little_girl_lost

from here on out the days will get shorter and i'm perfectly fine with that

uses de-tangler on spaghetti

can unhinge his jaw like a snake

Can't help but wonder, if mark david chapman looked like luigi mangione, would we all think john lennon had it comin?

Lost a testicle in a whack a mole accident

His spirit animal is Jim from Friday Night Dinner.

literally no different from just eating hard candy

Left his underpants with people he didnt trust once, and the show 'Salute Your Shorts' was born

tried to make a deposit at the jos. a. bank

Got kicked out of the blue man group

pete hegseth v hunter biden

painstakingly puts condoms on...one penis at a time

mailed a single shoe to himself.............in another state

just ate a whole stick of deodorant, is now complaining about dry mouth

hear me out, upstairs thermostat

Nobody would know sharon tate's name today if she wasnt murdered.

can't finish unless his partner is wearing a plastic richard nixon mask

This fuckin city, they can't sink a dime into infrastructure but the trump-ass-kissing-politicians all make out like bandits. The transformers blow left and right in the summer, leaving us hours without power, and if we even have water in the winter, it's brown and/or under a boil order. We even got a letter last month that said the water in January wasn't safe to drink. Again, we only got that letter last month. And I was just in the middle of making dinner and the power went out, so now I'm left with barely fried bacon for BLTs. And the power isn't projected to come back on till 9:30 tonight

One art, please.

had the bf grill some burgers, its hard to fuck up burgers, and it makes him feel useful

is the one asshole on the block who hung up a bunch of wind chimes

chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream shouldn't also have chocolate chips in it. the chips should be confined to the cookie dough balls and not also in the ice cream, chocolate chips for ice cream have a very specific texture and i dont want that on top of the dough pieces. also, the he-man themed meals at dennys, the mint chocolate chip ice cream on top of pancakes. if mint chocolate chip ice cream even looks at my pancakes there's gonna be a fight.

Was a hall monitor when he was 36

Has to fight the urge to ask kids to name 3 songs when he sees them in an old band t shirt

tells people he had COPDeez nutz