fuggnificent Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 http://unevenedge.imfapp.in/index.php?action=fanfics;sa=story;id=6;chapter=1 more stories for yo pleasure! trolls will be ignored. legitimate feedback, please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naraku360 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Hmmm, fine. I'll give actual feedb-- "Chapter 1 - Acts I-III. (Shit im not putting up every act individually.)" > Really? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ric Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Is that the whole story? Not up for anything long but if that's it I'll check out later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuggnificent Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Yah thats it. Not long at all. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quebecelegy Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 sorry, i can't agree that i'm willing to see adult content. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I'm going to refrain from the obvious criticism and let you know you should spell check this thing.......I'm pretty sure this isn't what you mean "I’m left their holding the doll." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuggnificent Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 spellcheck trolling will be ignored! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Fine, send that bullshit out then.....It's funnier to me that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ric Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 If this has been edited already, it could use some more tweaking for sure. Quite a few typos and some sentences really don't flow well, and the jumping from 1st and 3rd person so much(several times within the same act, with act 2). And if this is truly it, story feels a bit incomplete. I know the main point of the story is the doll possession but it ends abruptly and the whole revenge plot went nowhere, as did the possibility of the doll being supernatural beforehand. After seeing the other thread I'm not sure how much this guy is paying you or how specific with his ideas he was. It could be a decent if not wholly original story with a little tweaking though. The mood felt right for the 'horror scene' even it was kinda typical with the lightning strikes, lights going out, blood sacrifice sort of stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ric Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 sorry, i can't agree that i'm willing to see adult content. It's pretty PG-13 stuff, don't think the adult content warning was necessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 If this has been edited already, it could use some more tweaking for sure. Quite a few typos and some sentences really don't flow well, and the jumping from 1st and 3rd person so much(several times within the same act, with act 2). And if this is truly it, story feels a bit incomplete. I know the main point of the story is the doll possession but it ends abruptly and the whole revenge plot went nowhere, as did the possibility of the doll being supernatural beforehand. After seeing the other thread I'm not sure how much this guy is paying you or how specific with his ideas he was. It could be a decent if not wholly original story with a little tweaking though. The mood felt right for the 'horror scene' even it was kinda typical with the lightning strikes, lights going out, blood sacrifice sort of stuff. You didn't say it was awesome....IGNORED. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1pooh4u Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Muñeca, like a doll? Sounds scary ::spin:: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwimModSponges Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 It's pretty PG-13 stuff, don't think the adult content warning was necessary. I think you have to add the content warning, otherwise it won't let you post the story. It's a flaw in the system. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SwimModSponges Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Theme or message- 2.5 points. You stick to one idea fairly well- the doll being possessed. It gets muddled as to whether the doll was possessed in the beginning or not, but on the whole it doesn't really matter: very simple story structure- Abused kid dies, mom wants revenge, goes to voodoo lady who puts kid into doll, end. Revenge theme does not get explored at all Plot, setting, etc- 2 points. Plot goes nowhere, very few details, those that are there seem unnecessary. No real suspense or action, dialogue is mediocre at best. Organization- 2 points. No real closure to the story, Ric said it best: "I know the main point of the story is the doll possession but it ends abruptly and the whole revenge plot went nowhere, as did the possibility of the doll being supernatural beforehand." Language and style- 2 points. Vocabulary needs work, sentence structure is often confusing, random switches between past and present tenses, first and third person, tone needs a lot of work. Conventions- 1 point, but you specifically said to disregard this aspect of the story, so there we are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1pooh4u Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I read it and I agree it needs to be cleaned up a bit but I think the bones are there for a fantastic story. A boy with an abusive father wishes he can do something about it A doll that the boy loves A tragic accident that leaves the boy dead Possessed Doll Enraged and grieving mother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuggnificent Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 I wrote this as the first story in a series so i can get more money..i mean..because its meant for a graphic novel and i assumed itll be a series. If im commissioned for more ill post them. A lot of decisions have to be made. Like does the doll move while your looking at it..or does it move when no one is around..does it talk or is there just a voice thats embodied...is it the child or really a demon...blah blah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1pooh4u Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I wrote this as the first story in a series so i can get more money..i mean..because its meant for a graphic novel and i assumed itll be a series. If im commissioned for more ill post them. A lot of decisions have to be made. Like does the doll move while your looking at it..or does it move when no one is around..does it talk or is there just a voice thats embodied...is it the child or really a demon...blah blah If you want, take a page from The Twilight Zone, watch the episode "Talking Tina" in that episode the doll, Tina, only spoke to the father and only to tell him she didn't like him or to threaten him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuggnificent Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 If you want, take a page from The Twilight Zone, watch the episode "Talking Tina" in that episode the doll, Tina, only spoke to the father and only to tell him she didn't like him or to threaten him. Im leaning towards him trying to get revenge for the mother but actually frightening her instead...like a dark comedy. But its not up to me. Not really my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunStarHero Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I wrote this as the first story in a series so i can get more money..i mean..because its meant for a graphic novel and i assumed itll be a series. If im commissioned for more ill post them. A lot of decisions have to be made. Like does the doll move while your looking at it..or does it move when no one is around..does it talk or is there just a voice thats embodied...is it the child or really a demon...blah blah Don't know if this helps, but I once tried to a novelization of a story I had written with the intent of being animated. The change in script style alone threw me off quite badly because things like graphic novels and animation have very different styles when it comes to writing. I don't know if this guy wants you to write that kinda script for him or if he wants novel-style pieces, but look into it. Really helps the creative process and cuts back fluff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeNewBee Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Don't know if this helps, but I once tried to a novelization of a story I had written with the intent of being animated. The change in script style alone threw me off quite badly because things like graphic novels and animation have very different styles when it comes to writing. I don't know if this guy wants you to write that kinda script for him or if he wants novel-style pieces, but look into it. Really helps the creative process and cuts back fluff. I want to see your animation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1pooh4u Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Im leaning towards him trying to get revenge for the mother but actually frightening her instead...like a dark comedy. But its not up to me. Not really my story. You're so lucky, I have a story idea that I want to make into a graphic novel cuz it's got a lot of unbelievable action and story and not heavy on dialogue, only thing is I can't draw for shit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunStarHero Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 You're so lucky, I have a story idea that I want to make into a graphic novel cuz it's got a lot of unbelievable action and story and not heavy on dialogue, only thing is I can't draw for shit That didn't stop One Punch Man from being made. Look into it, seriously. Its crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunStarHero Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I want to see your animation Remind me later on tonight and I'll fish up some test animations from my super villain story. Will post them in my art thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeNewBee Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Remind me later on tonight and I'll fish up some test animations from my super villain story. Will post them in my art thread. You have a art thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1pooh4u Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 That didn't stop One Punch Man from being made. Look into it, seriously. Its crazy. Oh wow, but it looks like the webcomic creator had some abilities, I couldn't even do that. He also got seriously lucky when someone approached him to redraw everything for a manga ::spin:: You know what, some of the drawings, well most are really terrible, still I don't think I could pull it off > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
André Toulon Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Yeah, post some animation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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