mthor

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Tells people in elevators that it's turtles all the way down.

Unless it's urinary incontinence supplies.

Puts on a beret and a striped long sleeved t shirt, and orders "omelet du fromage" at Waffle House.

I've always avoided watching this; just the plot summary is enough to make my eyes prickle.

Ok, now everything is going to get all blurry and spinny because granny mthor is having a flashback... It's the summer of 1982. Ronald Reagan is in the White House, Dexy's Midnight Runners is on the radio, and I am in a theater with my two hometown besties. We plan on watching the early showing of ET, then perhaps heading out for a few cocktails. I have dressed accordingly, including putting on what my brothers used to refer to my "Bride of Dracula" eye makeup. Lots of shadow, lots of liner (inside the lash line, of course), lots of mascara... It gets to the point where ET and Eliot are both in the oxygen tents, and it looks like they're both going to die, and I start to sob. Not a little tearing up and a few discreet sniffles. Full on shuddering sobs. I know what's happening to my face and I dig around in my purse for a kleenex. None. I ask my friends, who are trying to pretend that they don't know me, and neither of them have any, either. Now the kid in front of us has turned around and is watching my face melt. Apparently, he finds it more engaging than the movie, because he turns fully around, kind of kneeling on his seat, and stares. I cried until the end of that goddamn movie, and when I got to the ladies room, most of my eyeshadow was around my jawline, mascara was trickling down my neck, and I couldn't even address it until I spent about ten minutes blowing my nose. I have not watched ET from that day to this. I don't not know if it would still make me cry, or just cringe with embarrassment at the memory, but either way, it's just not worth it.

Buy SPAM by the slice.

Sorry, I should have checked first - The Incredible Journey was the book, which I read in like 6th grade, and which did not make me cry. Homeward Bound was the movie, which does.

The end of The Incredible Journey, when the golden retriever finally comes running out of the woods. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Jurassic Bark. Not a movie, but can anybody watch that without at least sniffling a little?

Clips his nails with a hedge trimmer.

Sometimes, it's a state of knees.

Dude. Please. I'd give my senior discount at Dunkin' to be almost 50 again.

You're younger than both of my kids. I think I need a nap now.

It ain't the years, it's the mileage.