ASMB Survivor, The First Challenge: The Strangest Bounty Yet…

[Game Master]

Teams are set; the Challenge commences!

I’d like to start by thanking our contestants for participating.  The team selections didn’t quite go off without a hitch:  depending on your take, that’s either a minor bump in the road or just a small taste of the chaos to come.  Naturally, I’m hoping for chaos and this just the bunch to make it happen.

As already stated, the rules for this round are relatively simple.  Each team will get one week to complete the challenge below and post it here in this thread, where all of you get to vote on the winning submission.  Everyone on the winning team moves on to the next round while the losing team will have two of its members go home.  Once submissions are final, a poll will be put up for everyone to vote (except for me and the judges, of course).  So without further ado, here’s the challenge…

-

Legendary bounty hunter Spike Spiegel has seen his fair share of unusual bounties.  Whether it be 60 year old in 12 year old’s body, a bomber in a teddy bear suit, or an inflatable super soldier with a penchant for amusement parks, there aren’t many oddities he hasn’t encountered.  This time, though, he may have met his match… or maybe this one is just too ridiculous to deal with.  With Edward’s help, Spike ventures into a place called the Adult Swim Message Board to gather intel on his next target.

-

The challenge is to write a short narrative of Spike’s encounter with a “villain” from the ASMB.  It can be anyone from the old boards or the UEMB, it just has to be someone most everybody would know for a particular idiosyncratic quirk or for an (in)famous event.  Please do not use any real villains, such as those who were banned for criminally abusive or threatening behavior (such as stalking).  We’re not asking for an entire episode, just make sure you include Spike discovering the bounty on the boards and then his first physical encounter with him or her.  Make it as ridiculously over-the-top as you can.

Submissions are due 12am EDT on Sunday, June 11, here in this thread.

Edited June 11, 2023 by Game Master

[André Toulon]

Gotcha

[discolé monade]

here

[André Toulon]

6 minutes ago, discolé monade said:

here

Did you join the team Hank thingy

[discolé monade]

1 minute ago, André Toulon said:

Did you join the team Hank thingy

i did not. and i turned on the notifications thing. 

 

[André Toulon]

@scoobdog did you invite disco to the team Hank camp. She's the only one I don't see

[scoobdog]

I did, but I will resend it.

[Game Master]

It’s just about time for submissions, so keep an eye on this thread.

In the meantime, here is a little more information:

Our two teams, Team Hank and Team Dean will be submitting right here in this thread.  You, the good people of the UEMB, will get to vote on the story you think is the funniest, most ridiculous, most offensive, most everything.  I’ll be posting a poll at the top of this thread where you can vote.  The winning team and all its members move on to the next round.  The losing team will have to say goodbye to one of its teammates.

Each team has been working all week to put these stories together, so we would really appreciate you taking the time to read, vote, and hopefully laugh until it hurts.

Edited June 10, 2023 by Game Master

[discolé monade]

squeeeee!!!!

[discolé monade]

TEAM HANK

*Spike flicks a half smoked, and somewhat crushed cigarette*
*It's raining. Not a good kind of rain. The kind of rain that desperately tries to wash away the smell of urine and vomit, but it can't.*
Spike looks ahead and sees Ed and Ein dart into a bar. He notices the sign “The Pod 6”.  Our hero makes his way in....

Spike strolls up to the bar. *A scholarly looking gent turns to him, wiping a tumbler with a bar rag. The neon light, reflecting off the barkeep's glasses, he nods towards Spike, gives him a quick once over, and just the slightest hint of the old world eastern Slavic, "Vat can I get you, Comrade?"
"Prairie Oyster, good sir"
Spike looks over the dimly lit bar, some light jazz, hums from an old vinyl record jukebox, "I know that ^gearhead work^ anywhere", Spike recalls while looking at the intricate machine. Slowly, he makes his scan, and sees a pair eyes staring at him, in the back, just barely visible. Thick smoke lingering around the hidden stare. He turns back, grabs his drinks, and  before he can finish and place the glass back down, the mysterious figure makes their way out the back. Just as Spike was set to spring into action, Ed jumps on the table, and Ein frantically scampers around spikes feet.
"Alright you two! What's going on?"
"Ed sees the person you look for" Ed proclaims, while looking at the tip of their finger, cross eyed, at the curious beetle they found, circling all about. "Ed sees this person" and points to the screen behind the bar:

BIG SHOT is streaming, and the outlaw known as Pactard,  just posted again. wanted for stealing, and espionage from the Ministry of Science and Ministry of Defense $500,000 Woolongs.    

"WHERE?" shouts spike. Ed points in the direction of where the mysterious figure sat. 

"BARKEEP!!"

"tsar4, the there is no 4, the 4th", states tsar
"come again?" asks Spike

"It's tsar4, the...eh... everyone knows me as tsar", he states nonchalantly. 'This is my, there is no 4, 4th version of me, that I created. Now, what did you need?"
Spike looks down the bar to see a few very interested patrons, watch on. They all know everybody that comes to this bar is FULL of jerks. And they certainly don't know this one.
"Who was that in the corner?" Spike inquires
"I'm not entirely sure....." tsar trails off, making his way to the other patrons. "Hey TrigunB, you see anyone over there?"
With some comic difficulty, the patron known as TrigunB, turns, fully cloaked in multi color balloons, one pops,  an odd little 'squeeeeee' escapes from the patron. "You know me tsar, I only have eyes for my precious latex beauties!" At that moment, one pops, and the loudest 'squeeee' chokes out of TrigunB, who is just trying to adjust the balloon garb in such a way as to not ~ POP!!! ~ another balloon "SQUEEE" TrigunB FINALLY,  sits back down.

"How about you, Sawdy?" tsar asks a man a couple barstools down. 

A well groomed man turns to look at Spike, his hair perfectly coiffed, short haired beard tightly trimmed. The man was clothed in a thick collar, pea-coat, with deep, ebony buttons. Spike knew instantly who this man was; that is, his status on this planet, it was obvious. A New World Banker. They controlled the Ministry of Currency and Exchange. "Strange to see one here", noted Spike.
"Yeah, I know who that was, but I don't know you, guy" spoke the banker.
"Look I don't have time for this, do you know them, or not?"
"TAKE IT TO RANTS!!!" yelled a patron "What does this look like? A *burb* library? *burb* oh *burb*
"Oh *burb*!" yelled Sawdy, "that *burb* is messing with the *burp* AFD again!!"
"HE'S EDITING OUR *burb* REAL TIME SPEECH PATTERNS!!!" Sawdy shuffles for something inside his jacket. He fishes out tech that  instantly transforms into something that looks like a ball mouth gag, immediately straps it on. tsar and some of the other patrons, also grab this same tech, they know the drill.
"What the actual *burp*?" Spike states, more than inquires.
"Ed knows where he goes" and heads toward the back exit with Ein in tow.
"Where can I find Pactard?" Spike asks the banker.
"Head to the end of the alley. you'll know" Sawdy answers in a muffled irritation.
Slightly curious, Spike turns back to Sawdy, "You....don't think there was a better design for this tech? And does it even work?"
"YOU SHUT YOUR *burp* MOUTH",  although garbled, came at Spike by all the patrons wearing the tech.
 

Spike heads towards the back exit, remembering Ed and Ein, "Come on you two".

They make their way to the back alley, and at the end of the cobblestone street, all three see an unusual mass of smoke, where someone made sure they would notice. Ed cartwheels down the alley, towards the smoke spot. Ein begins to follow, but something has caught his attention. He heads towards Ed, but suddenly turns left, and down.
"EIN, COME BACK!" as Ed, also, disappears down the stairs.
"I  do not have time for this." sighs Spike. 

Spike makes his way to the stairs. They are steep, and at an almost impossible angle. the heel of his shoe almost gives way, and someone grabs his arm.  Spike turns to see someone he hasn't set eyes on in quite some time!
"Duzi, of course it's you" Spike grins.
"It's me, come on! I know why you're here!"
Duzi reaches into her pocket and pulls out a leather pouch, grabs a pre~rolled, lights it up, passes it to Spike. "Just down these ‘stone stairs of death’, you'll see my shop, can't miss it. I'll meet you there in 10. I gotta' go meet a man about a cow."

At the bottom of the landing, Spike turns to see Duzi's shop. the bright, neon, "DUZITICKLE?" bedazzling hot lights, pinks and blues,  expose the shine, on the wet cobblestone. An animatronic cat with a sledge hammer and a mouse  plays a game of 'chicken', while an animatronic chicken plays tic/tac/toe in the window's open space. The green neon "OPEN" sign welcomes Spike inside. A little bell at the top of the door  alerts someone in the back. Spike can hear what sounds like gears and cogs working together, along with the low whistling hum of steam. From behind the curtain to the back, a rolling trash can heads towards Spike, and behind the trash can is ein. "HEY, HERE WE ARE!!" yells Ed, from the back room.
 

Just then, Duzi makes her way into the shop, turns abruptly, closes the blind, and locks the door. "Quickly! To the back!", as she makes her way past the entourage. Ed makes their way around the shop, touching little gadgets, playing with the various animatronics, and the unusual tech. "Ed loves Duzi. Ed loves all the Duzi", as they grab something with a screen and antenna.

"Duzi, it's been a long time, and man if you're not a sight for sore eyes", Spiked stated as he slumped into one of the many comfy chairs in the back room.
"Indeed, my good friend, but you're not here for a reunion, you're here for pactard. and it's about time"

"You're right.but what do you mean, 'about time?" Spike inquired. Duzi went on to explain to Spike the constant robberies of various tech. and other ^sciences^, being used for older tech that she designed almost 20 years ago. and the problem, is one certain tech, is being used to destroy lives: the MODified Toaster Oven. Pacterd's fumbling adaptations of Old World Tech never really worked before. A mere toaster oven has  managed to wreak havoc on airway frequencies. He convinced his barfly buddy, Nabraniel P Buttsavvy, Jr., (or Nabs for short), to get a gig, manning the grill for the employee kitchen, at the Ministry of Science. While an employee, Nabs, ^somehow^ managed to get his hands on MoD (Ministry of Defence) tech. An Audio Frequency Disruptor. Well, Pacterd didn't KNOW he was creating an alternate frequency, that was both aligning with an alternate universe. See, Pacterd thought that he was only purposely burning pork products in this toaster oven, that he modified. The part that Pacterd placed on this toaster oven, was only supposed to be a "banGer of a blue tooth, surround sound, mini oven, and cigarette roller",or so he thought, or so thought Nabs, when he wrote "BTD" (blue tooth device), on his palm, but by the time he finished his shift, the ink bled in such a way, that it read "AFD", (you guessed it).  All he thought he was snagging, was some old tech. That's how the story goes.....

Spike turns to Duzi "Surely, you're mistaken?"
Duzi turns to Spike, and in true deadpan fashion,  "I'm never mistaken, and don't call me Shirley."

Duzi finishes by sending the coordinates to Spikes handheld. 

Our intrepid hero follows the cobblestone towards the end of the avenue. As he approaches a ram shackled building, three-story, googie style, mess of a building. The top two floors looked abandoned; broken windows that have been boarded up decades ago. Spike spots a light in a  downstairs window.

"You two, stay here" he tells Ed and Ein. "Ed stays here." looking at another bug, circling their finger, Ein drops to a rest position near Ed.

As he approaches the stoop, Spike gets a very distinct smell of cigarettes and some sort of burnt meat. He can't quite make it, "Is that a pork chop?" Spike ponders, while he tightens his jacket collar, and flicks the cigarette he was working on. He looks through the window, he sees a rather tall, lean, almost skeleton like figure, moving in jerk like motions. The man, or what once was a man, is balding, save the long braid hanging from the back of the neck of his bounty: Packard.

Spike squints, because he can't quite believe what he's seeing; tiny hands moving various strands of the thin braided 'rat tail', that are in turn, moving the ghost of a man. The voice, NOT coming from Pactard, but from behind the ^rat tail^, cackles ,"I am Jack's Fucking Problem Now"

*Coup D'Etat* by Circle Jerks,  plays somewhere in the background*

KNOCK KNOCK. *Spike's right eye....*adjusts* *

 

Edited June 10, 2023 by discolé monade
correct copy

[André Toulon]

Great Scott

.... readable font. 

Much easier on my fogie eyes

[discolé monade]

i had one hell of a time getting the actual final, final, FINAL draft. 
so...if there are any more typo's. oh fucking well. 

[discolé monade]

] :

[André Toulon]

Wassamatta

[Gemini]

Blarney Nabraniel shoots Sir Teddybar Gut Fullung in the chest, presumably killing him. Gut Fullung collapses in the alley.
"I've done it! I've vanquished my biggest foe!" Nabraniel said triumphantly, not realizing that he may have shot the wrong version of Gemini. Spike and Faye look on in horror.
"You idiot!" Faye shouts. "How could you?"
"It needed to be done," Nabraniel retorted. "Don't say you wouldn't have done the same."
"He was unarmed!" Faye screamed.
"So?" Nabraniel shot back. "He was a menace to society!"
"For building a time machine?" replied Spike. "Seems rather silly to me."
"No, for robbing a store he worked for then disappearing," Nabs answered back.
"Wait a second," Sir Teddybar said, standing up as he spoke. "I've never done that."
"Yes, you did!" Nabraniel shot back. "Yes, you damn well did! Candy told me so!"
"Candy?" Sir Teddybar asked. "Who's Candy? Oh. Did you mean my twin brother RPM Jr.?"
"It doesn't matter anymore anyway," the elderly Gemini strolled in. "I'm turning myself in."
They all gasp at each other.
"All I wanted to do was have fun and help people," Gemini said. "I created my time machine so I could go through time and change things for the better for people. I guess you should all be calling me Sam Beckett."
"Sam who?" Spike inquired.
"He's a character in a TV show I watched growing up," Gemini responded. "That doesn't matter. Anyway, I found three different versions of myself and brought them to this time so they can help others. The hacker known as DeadwingLazarus working for a software company as a cybersecurity analyst? That was my idea." Old man Gemini smiles.
"You're not supposed to mess with the laws of time!" shouted Nabraniel.
"Why? Because you said so?" Spike shot back.
"As for Kalgan, as in KalganBlowMeAway, over there, he's actually the manager of a cannibus farm managed by a hacker named 1pooh4u, even though there is no four," Gemini continued. "He's done a good job helping people manage various chronic and sometimes even terminal illnesses like M.S., M.D., and various cancers by providing medical marijuana to them."
"Yeah, but what about Sir Teddybar over here?" Faye asked Gemini. "Why is he here?"
"He's the me who built the time machine in the first place!" Gemini retorted. "I brought him here so he could show scientists how to use the technology our -- sorry, my assistant and I discovered during his time. I'm an old man. I know I don't have long left. So I wanted to pass on my knowledge the only way I knew how: by getting my younger self and bringing him to the present."
"That's still messing with time itself, old man!" Nabraniel exclaims, pointing his gun at Gemini. "I'm going to end you!"
"That's enough!" Spike says as he sweeps Nabraniel's leg, disarming him in the process.
"So that's really it. You can take me in now," Gemini says.
Faye puts the handcuffs on the old man and she and Spike take him to the ISSP.

Back on the Bebop:
"It was a case of mistaken identity this whole time," Jet sighed. "Who knew he had a degenerate twin brother?"
"Yeah, it's an honest mistake by the ISSP, but that money sure would've been nice," Fay responded. "Fifteen million woulongs up in smoke, just like that."
"And everyone we talked to seemed to corroborate everything," Spike said. "ITasteLiekSex, insipid, Zenigundam, Phillies, death_is_coming, and psycho_raven all seemed to be credible."
"Yeah, until they weren't." Jet shot back.
"Oh, well. Looks like they got that assistant of his, codenamed The_annoying_one, for the murder of RPM Jr., obstruction of justice, and aiding and abetting a known fugitive," Faye said.
Jets turns on the TV and it goes straight to the news.
Audio from the TV: "Hello, This is a news update. I'm Vela Dove. The man known as Gemini Shamrock was released today as the ISSP concluded that the man they were looking for was in fact his twin brother, RPM Jr. They were supposed to have been working on a time machine when RPM Jr. abandoned Gemini and robbed a grocery store, running off with the money. It wasn't until an undercover ISSP agent known simply as The_annoying_one was sent back in time to stop Gemini from working on the project. Over time, he and Gemini became friends, but RPM Jr. didn't share the same fate. Authorities say the_annoying_one tracked down RPM Jr. and killed him, thinking that he was Gemini. Before he could be booked, however, The_annoying_one escaped into a time machine, dematerializing as authorities rusned to recapture him. His whereabouts are unknown."

*roll end credits*

(Finished it literally at the deadline.)

[Game Master]

Alright, it’s time to see the submissions!  Voting ends Tuesday at Midnight.

[scoobdog]

Adding the poll.

[Gemini]

If you like all dialogue, vote for Team Dean! If you don't, fuck you! (lol j/k)

[The_annoying_one]

A vote for Team Dean is a vote for....something!

Seriously...vote for us, dammit.

[Gemini]

In all seriousness, Vela had a much better story, complete with sketches. I should've let her submit for us. Oh, well.

[The_annoying_one]

1 minute ago, Gemini said:

In all seriousness, Vela had a much better story, complete with sketches. I should've let her submit for us. Oh, well.

Your story was not bad at all. Not to be a broken record, but I should've helped way more than I actually did.

[Gemini]

2 minutes ago, The_annoying_one said:

Your story was not bad at all. Not to be a broken record, but I should've helped way more than I actually did.

No, hers was/is much better. Trust me.

[The_annoying_one]

2 minutes ago, Gemini said:

No, hers was/is much better. Trust me.

No offense, but I believe you. She might kick my ass for this, but she is a master storyteller.

[Gemini]

1 minute ago, The_annoying_one said:

No offense, but I believe you. She might kick my ass for this, but she is a master storyteller.

It's the sketches, I tell ya.

[André Toulon]

LOL, I knew it....I knew it.  Prediictable. 

Gotta get outside that box, guys. *struts around like president peter griffin despite doing absolutely nothing other than talk shit*

[Gemini]

Just now, André Toulon said:

LOL, I knew it....I knew it.  Prediictable. 

Gotta get outside that box, guys. *struts around like president peter griffin despite doing absolutely nothing other than talk shit*

The_annoying_one is the villain, not Nabs.

[discolé monade]

1 minute ago, André Toulon said:

LOL, I knew it....I knew it.  Prediictable. 

Gotta get outside that box, guys. *struts around like president peter griffin despite doing absolutely nothing other than talk shit* 

 

[The_annoying_one]

The people will decide, so kindly shut the fuck up, both of you. 

[Gemini]

[André Toulon]

2 minutes ago, Gemini said:

The_annoying_one is the villain, not Nabs.

I rwalize this now....but i stand by my shitty comment

[discolé monade]

whoa whoa whoa, there cowboy. no need for such hostile and obscene language in, this, profound setting of wits, and bravery. 

[Gemini]

1 minute ago, André Toulon said:

I rwalize this now....but i stand by my shitty comment

[The_annoying_one]

Just now, André Toulon said:

I rwalize this now....but i stand by my shitty comment

Ah...the smell of shit and defeat. I almost feel sorry for your team.

[Gemini]

4 minutes ago, discolé monade said:

whoa whoa whoa, there cowboy. no need for such hostile and obscene language in, this, profound setting of wits, and bravery. 

I mean y'all did start the shit talking so...

Edited June 11, 2023 by Gemini

[The_annoying_one]

5 minutes ago, discolé monade said:

whoa whoa whoa, there cowboy. no need for such hostile and obscene language in, this, profound setting of wits, and bravery. 

 

[discolé monade]

5 minutes ago, The_annoying_one said:

Ah...the smell of shit and defeat. I almost feel sorry for your team.

you're sure that's not your upper lip?

[André Toulon]

Y'all just had to quote the typo, and I can no longer hide my shame.....Now it's fucking on.

[The_annoying_one]

Just now, discolé monade said:

you're sure that's not your upper lip?

Oh, I am very sure.

[Gemini]

Just now, discolé monade said:

you're sure that's not your upper lip?

[Gemini]

6 minutes ago, André Toulon said:

Y'all just had to quote the typo, and I can no longer hide my shame.....Now it's fucking on.

Oh, shut up and quit whining, you big baby. Even if I hadn't written our story, I had contributed plot ideas and such to the one Vela had come up with. Meanwhile, you didn't do shit!

So quit yer bitchin' and shut the hell up.

Edited June 11, 2023 by Gemini
I'm being sarcastic, for the record.

[André Toulon]

Just now, Gemini said:

Oh, shut up and quit whining, you big baby. Even if I hadn't written our story, I had contributed plot ideas and such to the one Vela had come up with.

.....I'm not sure how to respond to this....I didn't say you didn't or even take a shot at your story yet other than to be wrong about the nabs/villian thing.  I fell bullied. 

[The_annoying_one]

1 minute ago, André Toulon said:

.....I'm not sure how to respond to this....I didn't say you didn't or even take a shot at your story yet other than to be wrong about the nabs/villian thing.  I fell bullied. 

You fell bullied? Did you scrape your knee?

[Gemini]

Just now, André Toulon said:

.....I'm not sure how to respond to this....I didn't say you didn't or even take a shot at your story yet other than to be wrong about the nabs/villian thing.  I fell bullied. 

Strutting around like you're Mick Jagger doesn't count as instigating?

Buddy ten minutes ago:

I tell him to be quiet over whining about quoting his typo and suddenly:

Cry me a river, pal.

[André Toulon]

Just now, Gemini said:

Strutting around like you're Mick Jagger doesn't count as instigating?

Buddy ten minutes ago:

I tell him to be quiet over whining about quoting his typo and suddenly:

Cry me a river, pal.

Jesus chist, how many time are you assholes gonna call me Disco.  I may be thumb typing like shit tonight, but at least I know wtf is going on.

[André Toulon]

11 minutes ago, The_annoying_one said:

You fell bullied? Did you scrape your knee?

Took an arrow to it

[Gemini]

2 minutes ago, André Toulon said:

Jesus chist, how many time are you assholes gonna call me Disco.  I may be thumb typing like shit tonight, but at least I know wtf is going on.

I'm aware of the fact she posted the Mick Jagger gif. If you hadn't have said anything, it wouldn't have happened.

Own your shit, dude.

[Gemini]

1 minute ago, André Toulon said:

Took an arrow to it

Shoot that poison arrow through my kneeeeeee! Shoot that poison arrow!

[Gemini]

I'm clearly just talking shit here. Don't take me seriously.

[The_annoying_one]

2 minutes ago, André Toulon said:

Jesus chist, how many time are you assholes gonna call me Disco.  I may be thumb typing like shit tonight, but at least I know wtf is going on.

I can't type for crap on my tablet & the screen is huge. The struggle is real.

[discolé monade]

oh nothing. just team dean realizing that team hank just mopped the floor with them.