Poof Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 4 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: I understand both, I do, I'm smoking cigarettes, drinking green tea and carbs here and there for the past few days. I'm just as bad when it comes to be healthy, so it's kinda hypocritical to tell others to be healthy. But I just care, in my own way. Idk, I hope no matter what you put in your body, you feel good. Back when I liked food I ate lots of healthy fish. But now I want to punish my stupid physical body and make it suffer. I want to feel it start to die Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 2 minutes ago, Poof said: Back when I liked food I ate lots of healthy fish. But now I want to punish my stupid physical body and make it suffer. I want to feel it start to die I feel like I wanna die, not my body, just my mind most of time. I get tired of thinking, tired of not sleeping, but I have this weird urge to keep pushing through most days. Idk It might be rude to ask why you feel how you do, but I'd like it if you stuck around. You bring more lively conversation and fun to the boards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tsar4 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 32 minutes ago, Cancer said: You have always been an insufferable pill Stop bothering me - I'm consoling myself with Haagen-Dazs "Spirits Bourbon Vanilla Bean Truffle" ice cream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 42 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: I feel like I wanna die, not my body, just my mind most of time. I get tired of thinking, tired of not sleeping, but I have this weird urge to keep pushing through most days. Idk It might be rude to ask why you feel how you do, but I'd like it if you stuck around. You bring more lively conversation and fun to the boards. It's like 100 different reasons. Some obvious. Like how I am. I hate having a dick and looking like I do. I hate how expensive it is to fix everything. I hate how none of my family cares about me and won't do a thing to help me. I hate how I got punched and my jaw/teeth still hurt sometimes. I hate all the bad memories I have. And I hate how it's all politicized now so I can't even get thru the day without thinking about it and so many ppl are saying terrible things about trans ppl all the time now. I hate that the beautiful talented amazing rapper I met won't ever look at me as more than a fetish experience even tho we click so much and he admits it. That's probably the obvious stuff. Less obvious probably is how the world is now. I still hate how the dvd I made and had producer credit on didn't make like any money despite the scenes being viewed like millions of times now. I've never bothered with another. There's no point. Nobody respects pornstars. And I get that. But nowadays ppl respect people who do even less than us. Ppl who fucking play videogames all day or bitch about things on social media. Ppl are like "Oh we need to support these content creators" but then they're still like "lol don't pay for porn" and the sentiment carries over to my actual work. Like ppl are so fucking entitled. They want me to do so much for free and call me a bitch or worse if I don't send them free shit on snapchat. And I wish I liked taking selfies and having a following. I don't really like it. I wish I could be like the other girls who bask in it and just love it. I don't even know what it is. I like doing scenes. I like performing. I just haaaate fucking interacting and being all smiley on social media and shit. I wish I had a smaller dick honestly. It wasn't as bad before porn. I presented myself differently and I was in control of the shows so I'd do more bottoming stuff. After the porn, where they presented me as just like huge cock bitch, it's like at least 70% demand I do that shit on cam. Whereas before it was probably reversed. idk 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distortedreasoning Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 so many grievances my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted July 5, 2019 Share Posted July 5, 2019 5 minutes ago, Poof said: It's like 100 different reasons. Some obvious. Like how I am. I hate having a dick and looking like I do. I hate how expensive it is to fix everything. I hate how none of my family cares about me and won't do a thing to help me. I hate how I got punched and my jaw/teeth still hurt sometimes. I hate all the bad memories I have. And I hate how it's all politicized now so I can't even get thru the day without thinking about it and so many ppl are saying terrible things about trans ppl all the time now. I hate that the beautiful talented amazing rapper I met won't ever look at me as more than a fetish experience even tho we click so much and he admits it. That's probably the obvious stuff. Less obvious probably is how the world is now. I still hate how the dvd I made and had producer credit on didn't make like any money despite the scenes being viewed like millions of times now. I've never bothered with another. There's no point. Nobody respects pornstars. And I get that. But nowadays ppl respect people who do even less than us. Ppl who fucking play videogames all day or bitch about things on social media. Ppl are like "Oh we need to support these content creators" but then they're still like "lol don't pay for porn" and the sentiment carries over to my actual work. Like ppl are so fucking entitled. They want me to do so much for free and call me a bitch or worse if I don't send them free shit on snapchat. And I wish I liked taking selfies and having a following. I don't really like it. I wish I could be like the other girls who bask in it and just love it. I don't even know what it is. I like doing scenes. I like performing. I just haaaate fucking interacting and being all smiley on social media and shit. I wish I had a smaller dick honestly. It wasn't as bad before porn. I presented myself differently and I was in control of the shows so I'd do more bottoming stuff. After the porn, where they presented me as just like huge cock bitch, it's like at least 70% demand I do that shit on cam. Whereas before it was probably reversed. idk The world we are in, is incredibly toxic place. It seems redundant to say it, but also reminding ourselves once in awhile helps to, because there isn't anything that makes you less of a woman. You are feeling immense pressure from the world. Even if you have the wrong body, that doesn't make you less, it means you have a longer, challenging journey ahead. Politics are always decades behind, but at least there are more voices speaking up. There is a movement seeking to change civils rights for trans people that hopefully will work faster than dismantling the capitalist system. I've separated myself from my family, my psychiatrist recommended it. Bad family members tend to take out their own insecurities in you. It's more about them and there small mind. Your families thoughts about you, don't define you. I know being isolated can really fuck with depression. I lost my friends irl recently, and since I don't have a family either I can somewhat sympathize. I don't know what to say with that, because I'm horrible about keeping people close to me. I will just hope good people start entering your life. Because I think you are a great person. There are those on the far left that are fighting for sex worker rights. It is definitely something that needs to be adressed. And hopefully if a progressive agenda starts it's way through government, they will start working on it too. The world is shit, we do it too each other. We are all frustrated in a capitalist system that treats it's people like capital. But society doesn't get to define you, even if you have made a million mistakes, even if you were born in horrendous circumstances, you are a constantly, evolving human. You can analyze the world around you, and I believe you can choose to rise above it better the others. Well those are my hopes. ❤️ 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juice McKenzie Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 10 hours ago, Poof said: Burn all the food until i stop waking up or become a cyborg, i still need it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonSinger Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 4 hours ago, Poof said: No! The food is a lie. This time I mean it. I'm going to will myself to live off sunlight air and water. Like a plant Poof, go eat a Snickers. You sound like Gwyneth Paltrow when you're hungry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 3 hours ago, Distortedreasoning said: so many grievances my friend. It's like there's nothing inside me but hate sadness and anger 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonSinger Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 2 hours ago, Poof said: It's like 100 different reasons. Some obvious. Like how I am. I hate having a dick and looking like I do. I hate how expensive it is to fix everything. I hate how none of my family cares about me and won't do a thing to help me. I hate how I got punched and my jaw/teeth still hurt sometimes. I hate all the bad memories I have. And I hate how it's all politicized now so I can't even get thru the day without thinking about it and so many ppl are saying terrible things about trans ppl all the time now. I hate that the beautiful talented amazing rapper I met won't ever look at me as more than a fetish experience even tho we click so much and he admits it. That's probably the obvious stuff. Less obvious probably is how the world is now. I still hate how the dvd I made and had producer credit on didn't make like any money despite the scenes being viewed like millions of times now. I've never bothered with another. There's no point. Nobody respects pornstars. And I get that. But nowadays ppl respect people who do even less than us. Ppl who fucking play videogames all day or bitch about things on social media. Ppl are like "Oh we need to support these content creators" but then they're still like "lol don't pay for porn" and the sentiment carries over to my actual work. Like ppl are so fucking entitled. They want me to do so much for free and call me a bitch or worse if I don't send them free shit on snapchat. And I wish I liked taking selfies and having a following. I don't really like it. I wish I could be like the other girls who bask in it and just love it. I don't even know what it is. I like doing scenes. I like performing. I just haaaate fucking interacting and being all smiley on social media and shit. I wish I had a smaller dick honestly. It wasn't as bad before porn. I presented myself differently and I was in control of the shows so I'd do more bottoming stuff. After the porn, where they presented me as just like huge cock bitch, it's like at least 70% demand I do that shit on cam. Whereas before it was probably reversed. idk I know how dismal things look in our country right now, but I do see more people getting it when it comes to trans issues and sex workers, and how intolerance of both hurts many demographics simply because of the mentality associated with that hatred. There are more people calling out TERFS and fighting these bathroom bills however they can. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cyberbully Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 *eats* What? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 3 hours ago, jackiemarie90 said: The world we are in, is incredibly toxic place. It seems redundant to say it, but also reminding ourselves once in awhile helps to, because there isn't anything that makes you less of a woman. You are feeling immense pressure from the world. Even if you have the wrong body, that doesn't make you less, it means you have a longer, challenging journey ahead. Politics are always decades behind, but at least there are more voices speaking up. There is a movement seeking to change civils rights for trans people that hopefully will work faster than dismantling the capitalist system. I've separated myself from my family, my psychiatrist recommended it. Bad family members tend to take out their own insecurities in you. It's more about them and there small mind. Your families thoughts about you, don't define you. I know being isolated can really fuck with depression. I lost my friends irl recently, and since I don't have a family either I can somewhat sympathize. I don't know what to say with that, because I'm horrible about keeping people close to me. I will just hope good people start entering your life. Because I think you are a great person. There are those on the far left that are fighting for sex worker rights. It is definitely something that needs to be adressed. And hopefully if a progressive agenda starts it's way through government, they will start working on it too. The world is shit, we do it too each other. We are all frustrated in a capitalist system that treats it's people like capital. But society doesn't get to define you, even if you have made a million mistakes, even if you were born in horrendous circumstances, you are a constantly, evolving human. You can analyze the world around you, and I believe you can choose to rise above it better the others. Well those are my hopes. ❤️ Thank you Jackie. I'm sure those things for sex workers and trans will happen someday. Idk if I can rise above anything anymore tho. Honestly, maybe if I had the right drugs but I'm simply not keeping up w/my shit. Then it's like a snowball effect. Like I can't afford my drugs and I don't work to be able to get them. Then I don't want to do anything even fun things. And I start hurting myself as a substitute bc it stops me from crying. I have to leave here in 2 months too and idk where I'm going yet. Thats another thing I hate. I hate moving so much. I have options but it's not going to be easy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CutieQuesadilla Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 I’m fasting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackiemarie90 Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 11 minutes ago, Poof said: Thank you Jackie. I'm sure those things for sex workers and trans will happen someday. Idk if I can rise above anything anymore tho. Honestly, maybe if I had the right drugs but I'm simply not keeping up w/my shit. Then it's like a snowball effect. Like I can't afford my drugs and I don't work to be able to get them. Then I don't want to do anything even fun things. And I start hurting myself as a substitute bc it stops me from crying. I have to leave here in 2 months too and idk where I'm going yet. Thats another thing I hate. I hate moving so much. I have options but it's not going to be easy. It’s hard to get out of our heads. Im also no professional, just a friend that cares. Tears aren’t bad, there just body reactions to our environment or circumstances. They usually come when we are overwhelmed and can help release some of the crap that is bottle inside us. ❤️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 (edited) 3 hours ago, Juice McKenzie said: until i stop waking up or become a cyborg, i still need it No more food now Edited July 6, 2019 by Poof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 2 hours ago, SorceressPol said: Poof, go eat a Snickers. You sound like Gwyneth Paltrow when you're hungry. I had some frozen berries but only as a coolant. No more food Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 1 hour ago, SorceressPol said: I know how dismal things look in our country right now, but I do see more people getting it when it comes to trans issues and sex workers, and how intolerance of both hurts many demographics simply because of the mentality associated with that hatred. There are more people calling out TERFS and fighting these bathroom bills however they can. I know it will happen someday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 1 hour ago, cyberbully said: *eats* What? Nothin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 58 minutes ago, CutieQuesadilla said: I’m fasting. Yes fuck food Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 42 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said: It’s hard to get out of our heads. Im also no professional, just a friend that cares. Tears aren’t bad, there just body reactions to our environment or circumstances. They usually come when we are overwhelmed and can help release some of the crap that is bottle inside us. ❤️ Even if I'm not morose like this, I cry so much. It's a never ending cycle I can do nothing about. I get so tired of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
That_One_Guy Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 1 minute ago, Poof said: Even if I'm not morose like this, I cry so much. It's a never ending cycle I can do nothing about. I get so tired of it. Hey dont be sad. You ever need to vent, I'm here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 22 minutes ago, That_One_Guy said: Hey dont be sad. You ever need to vent, I'm here. I am venting. It's been vented. I could get even more in detail I suppose but it's pretty much here in this thread now. I don't think venting really helps anyway. I don't even know why I did it tonight. If there's anything anyone can say to me to magically make me feel better I've never heard it really. I want some dissociative drugs. Like cough syrup k or pcp. Something to make everything go away for awhile. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distortedreasoning Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 4 hours ago, Poof said: It's like there's nothing inside me but hate sadness and anger i hate seeing you like this but theres not much i can do to change it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poof Posted July 6, 2019 Author Share Posted July 6, 2019 6 hours ago, Distortedreasoning said: i hate seeing you like this but theres not much i can do to change it. I know. Just hit the bank w/me 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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