also
"until gwen" by dennis lehane
one of the best uses of 2nd person pov i've seen.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2004/06/until-gwen/302966/
one of my faves.
margaret atwood, "happy endings"
http://www.napavalley.edu/people/LYanover/Documents/English 123/English 123 Margaret Atwood's HappyEndings.pdf
well, my cat is an indoor cat and i don't generally invite people over.
so for that to happen, they would have had to have broken in.
i'm thinking a run them through with my sword...
based on your thorough description and my complete lack of expertise, i'm gonna say you definitely have ass cancer.
...or are developing some kind of ass-based superpower...