Mix

Omg, are you going to become a pirate? Are you going to sail the high seas causing mischief until the Royal Navy captures you and says something like "you've got to be the worst pirate I've ever heard of" and you reply "but you have heard of me?"

Around the world?

Is that why you keep asking to borrow my kite?

Luckily, that sort of environment only produces the most emotionally stable and mentally healthy children money could buy. Although, you pay for therapy, you don't buy it. But the line doesn't sound right if I say "money could pay for." Anyway, don't judge. My parents are good people (they're alright >.>). They don't hate each other (they sleep in separate rooms x_x).

I....don't know any of the commandments. Is there one that says anything about putting gods in your mouth? NOTE TO SELF: 1. Try pick up line, "I've got god in my pants," at church. 2. Also, start going to church.

This guy calls his dick "The Lord"!? That is next level cocky.

The hell is that? Are you building a Stargate?

what exercise helps you put on dick weight?

Everyone's been drunk and afraid to lose something of value. That's where duct tape comes in. Duct tape your wallet to your thigh. Duct tape your phone to your hand. Duct tape your keys to your penis.

The shadow government isn't even trying anymore. - "Let's call him Mike Johnson." - "That's not a real name. They'll see right through that." - "You said that about Barack Obama."

All this chaos is a smokescreen meant to obscure an intricately planned and deftly executed master stroke. Can't you all see. It's been him the whole time!

I'm going to put out an empty candy bowl with a sign that says, "please take one." I won't get to see the results, but i'll laugh and laugh.....and drink....and contemplate my life......and laugh and laugh

happy birthday, Poof

"The power slap league has seen a higher than normal rate of memory loss among it's participants." What's the normal rate?

"You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain" - Israel (maybe, idk)

one hundred percent for me Is this a competition? Did I win?

I hear that's how Bill Cosby got started.

Car fetish and a foot fetish. Are you single?

I always give them five stars, is that not enough

These Uber drivers are always so fidgety.

That has never seemed more like a slur for little people.

You think they'd use the clip in the movie? I feel like it would be disrespectful not to.

This isn't a thread about private schools. This is a thread about old movies, battle rap, and long held resentment against your family.

Who the hell is mitt romney?