Mix

That's why you get rid of the car and report it stolen.... -"Why no, officer, I was at home that night with my alibi boyfriend. A respectable and dependable nurse for old and or crazy people like myself would never run from the popo. Though my car was stolen around that time. I imagine car thieves aren't too keen to pull over in a stolen car. Maybe look into that 'cause southern methodist white Jesus knows you'll have a hard time trying to pin this on lil ol' me."

I mean when you saw the law in your rear view....you had two choices, pull over the car or bounce on the devil, put the pedal to the floor.... but I can understand if you weren't tryin' to see no highway chase with Jake 'cause you got a few dollars to fight the case

Should of made a run for it......no ticket, no points, no problem

An app that blends tinder with uber......I call it Under....wait.............Tuber.....yeah that's the one, Tuber

You're no where near that kewl

yeah right

It's been a while since I've seen this guy's youtube videos....his stand up has come a long way, but his videos are truly gems

This neighbor's dog I used to play with when I was a kid would go get anything you threw and bury it....nothin' ever came back.... Got rid of a whole lot of evidence that way >.>

we posting what we're eating in here?

I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess, if i'm being honest, I enjoy dimming the inner light in all those around me so my inner darkness isn't as stark by comparison.

I just saw this clip where a bear and some monkeys and maybe a bird were riding bikes in this live show. Everyone's happy and clapping. Then one of the monkeys falls off his bike and the bear crashes because of it. The bear immediately gets up and mauls the shit out of the monkey . It took the crowd like a good minute before they realize that it's not part of the show as the handlers begin to panic 'cause ol' smokey wasn't responding to commands. Almost like that muthafukka didn't want to get on the fuckin' bike and maybe, just maybe, somebody made him a promise that if he got on he wouldn't fall off....>.> at least that's what I think happened during the bike riding lesson I'm not posting it here because I don't think you good folks want to see a monkey turned into cutlets, but it's easy enough look up.... Now I didn't enjoy seeing the monkey suffer and I'm not promoting such entertainment. I just can't help but find it funny when something goes wrong after people take something scary and decide it should be in the entertainment business.... Like Chris Rock said after the Siegfried and Roy mauling, "...that tiger didn't go crazy, that tiger went tiger..."

It's not expensive if you're making it yourself....vegetables are dirt cheap and the only real cost is chicken how broke do you think I am?

yup, that's what I said....ain't no loyalties if you don't know that bitch....she should of kept a close eye on what was hers

I'm with all of this

a toddler out-ran you for half a mile I would have never admitted that.....that's something you take to the grave >.>

Me: That black baby is way faster than that white baby. It doesn't even look like he's trying, that's his cruising speed.

Is it because all the men you loved were married to your best friend? 'Cause Lois was married to his best friend....

yeah, 'cause that always stops people

Hey, you're my height....I don't know why I thought you were tiny >.> I pre-prep meals to keep track of caloric intake...regular shit like grilled chicken, beef, steamed vegetables....each container is labeled with the approximate nutrients of the food inside....makes things easy on the day to day.....I've got like six meals a day, but I can eat more if I feel I need it....