jackiemarie90

lol everyone here does. XD I just think it's funny hearing people talk about how much they hate tinder but keep using it. The quarantine killed any active "searching" on my part, so I"m not bumble anymore. lol

That makes sense. I kinda mostly want the relationship. But I also know I can be a very overwhelming person for a lot of people. lol

maybe someone should start putting up reviews on tinder. XD

I mean the way the students talk about it here, yeah. lol

I have a couple theories why this is happening, but that fact that it is happening makes me really think lately. Just cause I don't really have a problem with sex, it doesn't necessarily phase me when I see it on tv. I'm more conscious of how other people around me will act around sex scenes than myself. And I've had it several times before in the past. But these days, I just kinda get scared when people start talking about it, or uncomfortable. I thought college would be this place to let loose but finding that I don't want to be a part of that culture. I think one of the first major players is just that depression can really kill your sex drive, and I almost never look at porn, again, I don't have anything against it, it's just something that I rarely do. Like maybe I look at porn 1 to every month to 3 months. Even then, I kinda get spend more time looking at the overwhelming amount of categories. When I used to fap more often, it was to thoughts in my imagination, cause I always thought the scenarios that I could imagine were better. Now I kinda fap maybe 2 times a month. Another thing is, I almost never develop crushes, it's extremely rare. And I'm rarely attracted to "typically hot" guys or just most people. Like I think it's hilarious when men are treated as sex objects just because of the reverse of expectations, but I'm never really "turned on" by it. To be honest, I'm just a really over emotional girl who is more swooned by romantic gestures, and if guy just really wanted to care for me. I'm also very scared socially, and know myself well, and I know I'm the type of girl that will start developing feelings over small things. And sex isn't a small thing to me. I'm afraid of getting attached to another person without fully knowing them. I just really don't want to have a broken heart over a one night thing, that kinda seems dumb. lol But the more and more students talk about their sex lives constantly, I'm just finding myself thinking, man I really don't want that. Idk, I guess I am surprised at myself the past year, and how many guys have come up to me, but my first reaction is to run. lol I mean, I started crying this week cause they only thing I miss is watching geeking shows and movies with someone. And no one here really wants to do that, at least that I have met. I think quarantine has made things difficult, in that I'm limited with the students I interact with. I don't, they will talk to me about dating, and I just kinda shrug and say "the guys here my age are jerks."

Thank you guys!! I love you all so much!!! Yesh I'm a 30 yr old nao. lol But after my project I'll spend the day watching scifi and smoking weed. 😁

Hope it's a great one! =^__^=

Oh my god yes you need a new laptop. XD

I hope it goes great!

Sending them positive waves your way

Ahh the constant need of money.

Sometimes I just don't think I have anything useful to provide, or it's hard to just to roll to one side of the bed. I just want to sit and smoke all day. But I know it's not viable.

I don't think people think the same as everyone else. Morally, the way they absorb data, really it becomes unfair at a certain point to say people handle things differently. I think it's like comparing 1 person getting rich versus another person not. There are several environmental factors that change things in a similar system. Doesn't mean they should be compared as exactly the same. idk

*kicks you kindly to get your work done*

But what if you aren't those people? No matter how hard you contemplate or try, you are just a different type of person. Like your thoughts just consume your head in a ptsd like manner?

Like mind gets flooded with a thousand of thoughts of worthlessness. And I know that this is not my present reality, it's all in my mind. But I can't shut up my mind. I've been smoking for the past few days, but my tolerance only gets higher. I can't afford to be numb all the time. I want to be drunk all day but then it's too embarrassing talking to others once I'm sloshed. Too embarrassing to even walk in the kitchen. *this is what led to the infamous midnight uber eats donut run* I really can't handle being normal. I'm talking to myself more openly lately, saying things like "It's all cool" or "it doesn't matter". But that's me trying to fight my own thoughts. I also feel myself wanting to seek revenge, even though I know it will only cause more harm then good for everyone. Idk, I hate being trapped in my head.

It was a paid internship

I'm so stupid guys, I'm just so fucking stupid. I really am so fucking stupid.

I feel overcommitted to things as is already.

That's dope as hell!

I hope so, I really need to work out how I talk to people. How I deal with my emotions and such.

o hai

What were you expecting? O__O

I think it was a moment I was powerless and that when we were training. I've already fell behind training and felt like it was a reprimand type of meeting. I don't know, I feel ridiculous now. I'm just waiting on my supervisor, I feel embarrassed.

They might kick me out of the program now. lol