Virtual Satyr

At Walmart I: Do my own checkout and bagging. Have helped numerous people get stuff of the top shelves. Have more than once helped somebody make a decision on what to buy. Have been compelled by my mild OCD to put misplaced items back to their right spot. I really do deserve an employee discount there.

Slow dances to speed metal.

Has a YouTube Playlist titled "ASMR." It has nothing but car crash videos.

I've been walking a bunch and going to the gym too. I've also really cut back on fast food. I'm still a cynical, pessimistic, judgy person, but I've gotten better at hiding it when it helps me.

Goes shopping and tightens every lid on the pickle jars. Doesn’t even buy pickles.

Indulges in the Ultimate Fast Food Meal every Friday night by going to Wendy's for a Dave's Double, McDonald's for the fries, Taco Bell for a Baja Blast, and finally to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard, a different flavor every time "just to mix things up."

Buys movie tickets, popcorn, drinks, and Skittles, only to go in the theater to make a huge freaking mess for some poor Joe to clean up.

When the 20 something year old cute skinny blonde is following you around the gym, you shouldn't think the universe is testing you. It's rewarding you.

Helen Keller. That whole deal is a bunch of BS.

She's my cat. And I don't know if she's a flerkin or not, but she is definitely something more than a regular cat.

Is the emu trainer for the Liberty Mutual Insurance commercials.

Eats avocado ice cream on French toast.