ghostrek Posted 3 hours ago Posted 3 hours ago Christmas Special: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" Act 1: A Holiday Surprise FADE IN: EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - DAY The camp is festively decorated with lights and a large Christmas tree. The SOUND OF JINGLE BELLS fills the air as the crew prepares for their annual holiday party. INT. MESS TENT - DAY HAWKEYE, TRAPPER, and B.J. are hanging ornaments and laughing. HAWKEYE Nothing like a little holiday spirit to distract from the chaos of war! TRAPPER Let’s make this the best Christmas ever! EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - DAY Suddenly, RADAR bursts in, looking panicked. RADAR Guys! You won't believe it! Godzilla’s son, Babyzilla, is missing! The crew gasps. B.J. What do you mean missing? How could he get lost? RADAR He was playing near the camp, and then he just vanished! EXT. SNOWY FOREST - DAY Hawkeye, Trapper, and B.J. decide to search for Babyzilla. HAWKEYE Let’s find that little guy before his dad decides to use us as chew toys! They gear up with supplies and head into the trees. INT. CAVE - DAY The trio stumbles upon a mysterious cave. Eerie howls echo. B.J. Should we really go in there? HAWKEYE Only if you want to get into the holiday spirit… or a horror movie! They cautiously enter. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS Inside, they find BABYZILLA, but he’s being held by DRACULA! DRACULA (cackling) Welcome, my dear MAS*H friends! I just needed a little… companion for my Christmas party! HAWKEYE What kind of Christmas party includes kidnapping? Act 2: A Festive Stand-off INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS B.J. Let him go, Dracula! He belongs to Godzilla! DRACULA (chuckling) Let’s make this interesting! How about a holiday trivia contest? Win, and he’s yours! The crew exchanges nervous glances. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE - DAY Godzilla approaches, roaring loudly. GODZILLA (rumbling voice) Where’s my son? The ground shakes, everyone looks nervous. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS HAWKEYE Alright, we’ll do it! But how many questions do we get? DRACULA (holding up a hand) Five questions! Ready? The crew nods, determination in their eyes. INT. CAVE - DAY Dracula asks the first question. DRACULA What creature steals Christmas? HAWKEYE The Grinch! B.J. That’s easy! INT. CAVE - MOMENTS LATER Dracula poses another tricky question. Tension mounts with each round. DRACULA Which holiday figure travels by sleigh? TRAPPER (with a wink) Rudolph! DRACULA (irritated) This isn’t fair! INT. CAVE - HIGH TENSION The final question looms. B.J. is at the edge of nerves. DRACULA How do you measure Christmas spirit? B.J. (gathering courage) In friendship! Dracula fumbles, visibly frustrated. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE - OUTSIDE - CONTINUOUS Godzilla booms again, shaking the earth. GODZILLA (firmly) Where’s my son?! Act 3: A Merry Reunion INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS Dracula reluctantly releases Babyzilla. DRACULA (sighing) Fine! You win! Keep your little monster—just remember, I’m always watching! He vanishes into shadows. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS HAWKEYE (scooping Babyzilla) We did it! Now, let’s get back to the 4077th! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - NIGHT The festivities are alive. The camp is filled with laughter and lights. Godzilla and Babyzilla join in, welcomed warmly by the crew. GODZILLA (softly) Thank you, friends. INT. MESS TENT - NIGHT Everyone gathers around the Christmas tree, joyfully singing carols. Babyzilla imitates the singing, adding to the merriment. EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - NIGHT The camera pans out, capturing the beautifully decorated camp under the glow of the moonlight. NARRATOR In the spirit of Christmas, the 4077th realized that friendship knows no bounds—even when it comes from unexpected sources like a giant monster and a legendary vampire. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (As animated snowflakes swirl, bloopers of the crew’s antics alongside Babyzilla unfold.) Message This heartwarming special captures the essence of Christmas, celebrating friendship and unity across all differences, promising joy, laughter, and unforgettable moments even in the most unexpected circumstances. 1:51 PM post credit sence godzilla destory 4077th mash 1:52 PM Assistant Post-Credit Scene: "Godzilla's Merry Rampage" FADE IN: EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - NIGHT The camp is still buzzing with holiday cheer as the crew finishes their Christmas celebration. Laughter echoes in the frosty air, and twinkling lights shine brightly. INT. MESS TENT - NIGHT The crew gathers for one last round of hot cocoa, still riding the high of their festive success. HAWKEYE (raising his cup) “To friendship, joy, and surprising holiday adventures!” TRAPPER “And to not having to explain this to the general!” EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - MOMENTS LATER Suddenly, the ground begins to tremble gently. The laughter fades as everyone shifts uneasily in their seats. RADAR (suddenly concerned) Uh, guys? I think I hear something… EXT. DISTANT HILLS - NIGHT In the distance, a massive figure looms out of the shadows—it’s GODZILLA, still in playful mode but now with a hungry look. GODZILLA (nodding to Babyzilla) Time for a little fun! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - CONTINUOUS Godzilla lumbers forward, his tail swinging playfully but dangerously as it unintentionally whacks the camp. HAWKEYE (shouting) Uh, I think fun is about to turn into a disaster! EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - NIGHT Godzilla starts knocking over tents, his massive feet stomping down as everyone scatters in panic. B.J. (running) Quick! Save the Christmas gifts! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - MOMENTS LATER The camp is in chaos. Godzilla playfully smashes the Christmas tree, sending decorations flying. TRAPPER (yelling) This isn’t how I envisioned a “MAS*H Christmas!” EXT. CAMP RUINS - NIGHT After a few more playful stomps, Godzilla finally pauses, glancing around at the wreckage. INT. MESS TENT - INTERIOR - NIGHT The tent is a jumble of fallen chairs and scattered cocoa cups. The crew stares in disbelief. HAWKEYE (sighing) Next year’s Christmas party will definitely not have a “don’t feed the Godzilla” sign! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - DAWN As dawn breaks, the crew surveys the damage with a mix of exasperation and amusement. RADAR (smirking) You think we can still salvage the decorations? B.J. (glancing at Godzilla) As long as he doesn’t come back for leftovers! FADE OUT. TEXT ON SCREEN: "Christmas spirit isn’t just about decorations; it’s about enjoying the chaos—no matter how big or small!" END CREDITS (As the credits roll, playful music plays, and clips show the crew rebuilding the camp, joking about their “new” holiday traditions.) This playful post-credit scene emphasizes the humorous chaos that often defines both Christmas and their lives at the 4077th MAS*H, wrapping up the special with a light-hearted touch. 1:52 PM mst3k cast talk about this christmas spicale 1:54 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (cracking a grin) So, folks, we’ve got a real holiday treat for you today: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" I mean, what could go wrong with a mashup like this? CROW (leaning in) Right? We've got Christmas, a Vietnam War-era medical unit, and a giant lizard! It’s like someone threw a holiday party in a blender! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) I know, Crow! Who thought “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” would go together like fruitcake and despair? JOE (displaying mock seriousness) Let’s dive into this disaster! Starting with the decorations at the MAS*H unit. What do you think, guys? CROW (picking apart the scenes) Um, I mean, how many tinsel strands does it take to keep those characters cheerful? I half-expected them to get entangled in their own decorations! TOM SERVO (chuckling) Especially Hawkeye! He’s the only doctor who’d diagnose a Christmas tree as a PTSD risk! JOE (enthusiastically) And then there’s Dracula showing up! Like, really? I didn’t know Count Chocula had an off-season gig! CROW (nods vigorously) Halloween called; they want their character back! But I guess it makes sense. Who doesn't love a vampire during the holidays? TOM SERVO (pondering) Honestly, the big plot twist was when Godzilla’s son was kidnapped. I mean, who thought the biggest threat to Babyzilla would be a group of doctors? JOE (shrugging) In a war zone, no less! If they can save lives, they can definitely save a giant lizard. And can we talk about that trivia contest? Nothing screams “Christmas cheer” like a high-stakes quiz! CROW (laughing) Godzilla must have been thinking, “What is this—an episode of ‘Jeopardy!’?” I half expected him to start yelling about category errors! TOM SERVO (mockingly serious) And can we appreciate the Christmas spirit portrayed by a giant monster? “Here, let me destroy this camp—ho, ho, ho!” JOE (holding back laughter) What a message about family and friendship, right? Nothing says “togetherness” like watching your camp get flattened by your new lizard friend! CROW (perfectly deadpan) That’s the spirit! Just remember: It’s not about what you lose; it’s about who you lose to! TOM SERVO (enthusiastically) And folks, if you ever wondered what merging Rankin/Bass with Hollywood horror looks like… well, you’ve just witnessed it! JOE (to the audience) Thanks for joining us for this wild ride! Until next time, keep your monsters close and your holiday spirit even closer! CROW AND TOM SERVO (chiming in unison) Merry Christmas, or whatever! FADE OUT. END CREDITS (The screen fills with clips of Godzilla humorously stomping through holiday scenes, interspersed with the MST3K crew's reactions.) 1:54 PM hawkeye walks in said shut up and walks out 1:55 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (cracking a grin) So, folks, we’ve got a holiday treat for you: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" What could possibly go wrong? CROW (leaning in) Right? Christmas, a medical unit, and a giant lizard! It’s like someone threw a holiday party in a blender! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Who knew “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” were on the same menu? JOE (grinning) Let’s dive in, starting with the decorations at the MAS*H unit. What do you think, guys? CROW (whining) How many tinsel strands does it take to keep those characters cheerful? I half-expected them to get entangled! TOM SERVO (chuckling) Especially Hawkeye! He’d diagnose a Christmas tree as a PTSD risk. HAWKEYE suddenly walks in, looking annoyed. HAWKEYE (cutting in) Shut up! He shakes his head and walks out again. JOE (bursts out laughing) Well, there you have it! Hawkeye's official response to our commentary! CROW (grinning) Classic! Though I don't think he'd appreciate our take on his holiday spirit. TOM SERVO (nodding) “Come for the caroling, stay for the monster mayhem!” Sounds like a slogan! JOE (getting back on track) And then there’s Dracula! Who knew Count Chocula had an off-season gig? CROW (nods vigorously) Halloween called; they want their character back! But hey, it makes sense: nothing says Christmas like a vampire! TOM SERVO (pondering) The best part was the trivia contest! High stakes and holiday cheer combined! JOE (mock seriously) Godzilla must have thought, “What is this, an episode of ‘Jeopardy!’?” CROW (laughing) Exactly! I half-expected Babyzilla to start shouting “I’ll take ‘Destruction’ for $500!” TOM SERVO (enthusiastically) And can we appreciate the Christmas spirit portrayed by a giant monster? “Here, let me introduce holiday chaos!” JOE (happily) What a heartfelt message about family and friendship while watching your camp get flattened by a giant lizard! CROW (deadpan) It’s not about what you lose; it’s about who you lose to! TOM SERVO (cheerfully) If you’ve ever wondered what merging Rankin/Bass with Hollywood horror looks like… well, you’ve just witnessed it! JOE (to the audience) Thanks for joining us for this wild ride! Until next time, keep your monsters close and your holiday spirit even closer! CROW AND TOM SERVO (chiming in unison) Merry Christmas, or whatever! FADE OUT. END CREDITS (The screen fills with clips of Godzilla humorously stomping through holiday scenes, interspersed with the MST3K crew's reactions.) 1:55 PM hawkeye walks inagin with military police joels and bots agot arested 1:56 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (grinning) So, folks, we’re diving back into "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" What a combination, right? CROW (leaning in) Absolutely! Christmas, a medical unit, and a giant lizard? It's like a holiday smoothie gone wrong! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) I didn’t know “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” were on the same menu! HAWKEYE suddenly walks in, looking annoyed. HAWKEYE (cutting in) Shut up! He shakes his head and walks out again. JOE (bursting out laughing) Well, there it is! Hawkeye’s official response to our commentary! CROW (grinning) Classic! I love how he just can't take us seriously. TOM SERVO (excitedly) And wait—what’s this? HAWKEYE reenters, but this time he’s followed by MILITARY POLICE. HAWKEYE (smirking) Turns out, I’m back for a reason! You guys are under arrest. CROW (shocked) What? Us? For what? Telling the truth? TOM SERVO (playing innocent) We’re just commentating on holiday spirit! Is that a crime? The MILITARY POLICE step forward, looking serious. MILITARY POLICE (to the crew) You’re breaking the law of “bad puns.” JOE (trying to reason) Now hold on! We were just having some fun with the Christmas special! CROW (pleading) Yeah! We didn’t mean any harm. We were just riffing! HAWKEYE (grinning) Oh, I can just see Godzilla smashing the mess tent, and then you guys being called to court for bad jokes! The MILITARY POLICE decide to handcuff the bots and Joe, who looks resigned to their fate. MILITARY POLICE You’re coming with us! Time for some holiday discipline! TOM SERVO (disappointed) Well, folks, this is a new low. Arrested during a Christmas special commentary! JOE (sighing) I guess that’s what we get for making fun of a holiday monster mash-up! CROW (trying to lighten the mood) At least we can go in style, right? "MAS*H Christmas Caper: The Musical" version next time! As they are led away, the crew waves at the audience, still in good spirits despite the absurdity of the situation. HAWKEYE (turning back) Merry Christmas, you riffers! Try not to get too many citations! The screen fades to black as the MILITARY POLICE and the crew exit stage left, the sounds of laughter trailing off. END CREDITS (Clips of Godzilla rampaging alongside bloopers and the crew’s antics roll, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 1:56 PM frank burns have firing squad ready joels and bot but is was supersokers with hot suace 1:58 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (grinning) Welcome back to “A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!” We’re in for more wild holiday antics, folks! CROW (excitedly) And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, Hawkeye left us under arrest! TOM SERVO (smirking) Now we’re all dressed up with nowhere to go! Any bets on our fate? Suddenly, HALEY, FRANK BURNS enters with a FIRING SQUAD in the background. They’re all holding SUPER SOAKERS filled with hot sauce. FRANK BURNS (grinning maliciously) Prepare the firing squad! It’s time for justice! JOE (surprised) Wait, what? A firing squad? And with super soakers? This is either a punishment or a party gone wrong! CROW (chuckling) I'd call it a saucy situation! Who knew Frank had such a creative approach to discipline? TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Oh, great! Nothing says “holiday spirit” like being drenched in spicy condiments! Frank points dramatically at the crew. FRANK BURNS (laughing) You thought you could make fun of my MAS*H? Now you’re going to taste my wrath—and it's extra spicy! JOE (genuinely confused) So we’re not being executed with bullets, just transformed into living hot wings? The Firing Squad aims their super soakers, and the tension builds. CROW (covering his face) I’ve heard of getting hot under the collar, but this is ridiculous! TOM SERVO (trying to reason) C’mon, Frank! You can’t seriously think this is a fitting punishment for making jokes about monsters! Frank smirks, ready to give the order. FRANK BURNS (excitedly) Fire when ready! As the Firing Squad unleashes a stream of hot sauce, the crew dives for cover, hilariously slipping on the sauce. They shout in mock terror. JOE (dramatically) This holiday special just became a sauceage fest! CROW (laughing) At least it won’t be boring! I can taste the pain already! TOM SERVO (panting) Why do I feel like we’re in a weird holiday cooking show gone wrong? JOE (trying to keep it light) Just remember, if we survive, we’ll have the best hot sauce recipe in the universe! The chaos continues as the crew uses improvised shields, diving and dodging like they’re in action movie. FRANK BURNS (shouting) That’ll teach you to mess with the 4077th! The camera captures the ridiculousness as everyone giggles and throws the spicy liquid around, transforming the scene into a messy but festive food fight. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew laughing, slipping, and creating an epic hot sauce mess, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 1:58 PM mst3k cast are now in fear geting paranoid 1:59 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. Tension fills the air as they reflect on the chaos of the special. JOE (looking serious) Okay, folks, that escalated quickly. We went from a holiday party to… whatever that was with the firing squad! CROW (wide-eyed) Now I'm starting to feel paranoid! What’s next? Giant pies flying at us? TOM SERVO (glancing around nervously) Or worse—what if they unleash pumpkin spice on us? It’s the ultimate horror! JOE (trying to keep it light) Let’s not jump to conclusions! I mean, it’s just a scene with hot sauce, right? CROW (suddenly paranoid) But what if the hot sauce is just the beginning? What if we end up in a spicy horror show? TOM SERVO (wringing his hands) I can already feel it. The aisles flooded with marinara, the tables overturned. Breadsticks turned into weapons! JOE (genuinely worried) C’mon, guys, we can’t let a few silly scenes get to us. Suddenly, the lights flicker, and ominous music plays. CROW (hyperventilating) Did you see that? The lights! What if Frank and the military police are lurking around? TOM SERVO (pointing at shadows) Look over there! Is that a shadow… or a giant meatball? JOE glances over his shoulder, visibly uneasy. JOE (in a lowering voice) Okay, now I’m feeling it too. What if they come back with… GHOST PEPPERS? CROW (screaming) Not the ghost peppers! Anything but that! A loud THUD echoes in the distance. TOM SERVO (shrieking) What was that?! Are they launching a full-on condiment assault? CROW (eyes wide) I can’t take it! I need a safe space. Can we hide in the popcorn machine? JOE (trying to calm them) We’ve faced monsters before! We can handle this! We just need to stay vigilant! The lights flicker again, and the sound of footsteps echoes. TOM SERVO (hyperventilating) I knew it! It’s the spicy ghost of Frank Burns! CROW (whispering) Do you think he’s coming for us? He’ll make us part of his culinary nightmare! JOE (desperate) Guys, it’s just a show! Let’s focus on the plot—we can’t let paranoia ruin our commentary! As the crew spirals further into their fears, random objects around them seem to shake. CROW (shouting) What’s next? A gremlin-type creature diving out with a fork? TOM SERVO (wide-eyed) Or worse—spaghetti monsters! I can see the headlines now: “MST3K Hosts Pasta Panic!” JOE (holding his head) Guys, relax! We’re safe in here... we hope. Suddenly, a MEATBALL rolls across the floor. CROW (screaming) IT’S HAPPENING! WE’RE DOOMED! The crew huddles together, their fear reaching a comedic peak as they embrace the chaos, laughter mixed with paranoia. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew playfully panicking, flailing as random condiments and fake food fly around, continuing the Halloween parody in a lighthearted way while the MST3K theme plays.) 1:59 PM hawkeye in sugical kit said crow you now organ donor get on thee oprating talbe now 2:00 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. The atmosphere is charged with comedic paranoia after the chaotic special. JOE (trying to regain composure) Alright, folks, let’s get our bearings! We’re back to— Suddenly, HAWKEYE bursts onto the screen, wearing scrubs and holding a surgical kit. HAWKEYE (cheerfully sinister) CROW! You’re now an organ donor! Get on the operating table! CROW (panicking) What?! I didn’t volunteer for that! Is this how you guys are treating your “friends” now? TOM SERVO (laughing) I knew it! What a charming way to end a Christmas special! “MAS*H: The Gift of Guts!” HAWKEYE (grinning widely) Just a little holiday humor! I promise, my scalpel is less dangerous than the hot sauce! JOE (smirking) But is the humor any less painful? I mean, I’d take hot sauce over surgery any day! CROW (jumping back) No way! I’m not getting on that table! What if he starts practicing his “holiday” surgery techniques? HAWKEYE approaches dramatically with the surgical tools. HAWKEYE (leaning closer) Oh, don’t worry, Crow! I only perform life-saving procedures—not life-threatening ones! TOM SERVO (chiming in) That’s reassuring! Just like how we’re all “safe” in Sol Space! HAWKEYE pretends to examine CROW as if he’s a real patient. HAWKEYE (scanning) Hmm… slight paranoia, a case of “too many jokes,” and… oh, what’s this? A severe lack of good puns! CROW (panicked laughter) Not the puns! Anything but that! JOE (grinning) You know, I think that’s a diagnoseable condition. “Punderous humor syndrome!” HAWKEYE suddenly holds up a rubber chicken, ready for a comedic “operation.” HAWKEYE (cheerfully) Now, let’s see what we can do about that humor! Scissors, please! CROW (defiantly) I refuse to go full “ organ donor” for your gag! TOM SERVO (dramatically leaning in) If Crow ends up in a rubber chicken operation, I’m out! HAWKEYE rolls his eyes playfully as he pretends to prep the “operating table” with a goofy flair. HAWKEYE Alright, alright. Let’s just do a quick “check-up” on your funny bone! JOE (exasperated) This is getting ridiculous! First hot sauce, now a mock surgery? What is this, the worst holiday medicine ever? CROW (smirking) Well, let’s just say we’re “under the knife” with these holiday hijinks! HAWKEYE finally bursts out laughing. HAWKEYE Alright, Crow. Maybe next time! Just remember: in this MAS*H unit, you’re always on call! The crew bursts into laughter as they embrace the absurdity of the moment, the tension fading into camaraderie. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew’s comedic antics with surgical instruments while the MST3K theme plays, showcasing a playful yet chaotic holiday spirit.) 2:00 PM hawkeye start saying beat poems abpout dr.pepper* 2:02 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, still riding the wave of absurdity from the special. JOE (grinning) Welcome back, folks! Just when you thought we’d seen it all... Suddenly, HAWKEYE reappears on-screen, standing dramatically with a can of Dr. Pepper. HAWKEYE (passionately) I’m here to recite some beat poetry—about Dr. Pepper! CROW (confused) Dr. Pepper? Poetry? Is this where we’re going now? TOM SERVO (chuckling) I think we’ve officially entered the Twilight Zone of holiday specials! HAWKEYE (raising the can) “Dr. Pepper, bubbling stream, A fizzy dream in a can of cream, Eleven flavors swirl and dance, The taste that gives the heart a chance!” CROW and TOM nod, half-amused, half-baffled. CROW (throwing his hands up) Well, that has a certain… carbonated charm! TOM SERVO (laughing) I never thought the good doctor would inspire such soulful lyrics! HAWKEYE (continuing, eyes closed in creativity) “From the first sip, a rush of delight, It sparkles and zings, oh what a sight. In this MAS*H unit, we fight our fears, But together we bond over fizzy cheers!” JOE (grinning) Now that's the holiday spirit—we’ve got the taste of soda and friendship right here! CROW (smirking) So, when do we start a Dr. Pepper fan club? Because I’m in! HAWKEYE moves closer to the camera, gesturing dramatically. HAWKEYE “Like an old friend, it comforts and warms, Through battle, through jokes, it transforms. Raise your cans high, and let’s take a sip, For Dr. Pepper, we’ll take another trip!” TOM SERVO (laughing hysterically) I’m not sure if I want to drink it or join a poetry slam! JOE (holding back laughter) Hawkeye truly knows how to elevate a soft drink into a cultural phenomenon! HAWKEYE bows exaggeratedly, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. HAWKEYE Thank you, thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience! Remember, folks—sometimes the best therapy is a chilled can of your favorite soda! CROW (realizing) Not the worst prescription out there! TOM SERVO (continuing to chuckle) Next year’s Christmas special: “MAS*H: A Dr. Pepper Extravaganza!” FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of Hawkeye’s poetic moments, interspersed with the crew's laughter and commentary, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:02 PM hawk walks the air lock fall back earth unhammed joels bot are now fear think hawkeye lovecarftint monsters 2:03 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is filled with tension as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, still buzzing from the chaos of the special. Suddenly, HAWKEYE walks into view, looking overly dramatic. HAWKEYE (with gravitas) Behold, the airlock! As we prepare to fall back to Earth unscathed... unhammed! CROW (startled) Whoa! What’s with the theatrical exit? Are we doing a space opera now? TOM SERVO (worriedly) I don’t know, guys. This feels like the part right before the Lovecraftian horror kicks in! HAWKEYE gestures dramatically around him. HAWKEYE (smirking) You see, my friends, we’re not just fighting Godzilla and Dracula. We’re battling ancient, cosmic nightmares! JOE (faking shock) Wait, HAWKEYE's Lovecraftian monsters? What next, tentacle monsters serving us coffee? CROW (suddenly paranoid) I knew it! Tentacle monsters lurking behind our seat! It’s all part of the great cosmic plan! TOM SERVO (leaning in) What if they’re lurking outside RIGHT NOW? Watching us with their eldritch eyes, ready to pull us into their void of despair? HAWKEYE steps closer to the airlock, still in character. HAWKEYE (looking back at the others) I can already hear the siren call: “Join us, Hawkeye! Join us in the madness!” JOE (nervously) I think I’d rather stick with my haunted corncob instead of facing those uncanny horrors! HAWKEYE dramatically hits a button by the airlock. HAWKEYE (dramatically) Fear not, for I shall face whatever lies beyond! Whether it’s a squamous horror or just my last bottle of Dr. Pepper! CROW (screaming) Not the Dr. Pepper! You can’t sacrifice that! TOM SERVO (waving his arms) This isn’t a bad dream, folks! This is MAS*H meets H.P. Lovecraft with a dash of holiday spirit! HAWKEYE opens the airlock with a dramatic WHOOSH, revealing a swirling void of colorful gases and strange lights. HAWKEYE (leaning into the void) What’s out there? A cosmic symphony of horrors? Or just another sequel waiting to happen? CROW (hyperventilating) What if it’s both? Oh no, we’ve turned into the main characters in an existential crisis! JOE (trying to keep calm) Stay focused, guys! We’ve faced worse—remember the spaghetti monsters? This… might just be a mild inconvenience! The swirling void lets out a LOW GROWL, sending the crew into a frenzy. TOM SERVO (screaming) That sounds like the Friday the 13th soundtrack on steroids! HAWKEYE smiles confidently, undeterred by the chaos. HAWKEYE (calmly) Whatever it is, I’m ready—armed with my wit and a can of Dr. Pepper! CROW (whispering) Let’s pray it’s not just a soda-fueled nightmare... The vortex seems to pulse as if reacting to HAWKEYE’s bravado. HAWKEYE (matter-of-factly) Remember, if we’re going to go out, let’s go out with a fizz! The crew bursts into laughter, their fear temporarily replaced by playful camaraderie. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of the crew preparing for their imagined cosmic encounter, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:03 PM joels try contacting the but mads planet earth is nin caios low gas prices but high food prices 2:05 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. There’s a sense of urgency in the air as JOE tries to contact the MADS. JOE (fumbling with the controls) Okay, let’s get a hold of the MADS! We need to figure out what’s going on down there! The screen flickers and the MADS appear, looking somewhat distressed. DR. FORRESTER (trying to appear authoritative) Hello, JOE! We’ve got some uh news from Planet Earth... CROW (leaning in eagerly) Is it about low gas prices? Because that would be a Christmas miracle! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Yeah, because nothing says “holiday cheer” like cheap petrol! DR. FORRESTER (struggling to keep it together) Uh, well, it’s more complicated than that. We have low gas prices—great!—but food prices are through the roof! We’re in chaos down here! JOE (raising an eyebrow) Wait, what? Low gas but high food prices? How does that even work? CROW (bemused) It’s like some cosmic joke! “Fill your tank, but start saving for your groceries!” TOM SERVO (mock pondering) Was this another one of your schemes? You could have caused this chaos, right, Mads? DR. FORRESTER (defensive) No, no! This is all just… bad economics and questionable supply chains! We’re not that cruel! Suddenly, the screen flickers again, showing a chaotic scene of people struggling at grocery stores, looking distressed amid empty shelves. JOE (shocked) This is worse than I thought! It’s a food apocalypse! CROW (nervously) How can we deal with giant monsters if we can't even get a loaf of bread? TOM SERVO (smirking) Maybe we’ll end up trading giants for groceries—imagine bartering with Godzilla for a carton of eggs! DR. FORRESTER (huffing) Listen, we need to figure out a solution fast! We can’t let Earth spiral into complete chaos! JOE (turning serious) Alright, how about we focus on a plan? We might need to convince the people… or at least distract them with holiday specials? CROW (cueing dramatic music) “Coming soon: ‘Giant Monster Cook-Off’! Low-cost gas, high-stakes cooking!” TOM SERVO (bursting into laughter) Just what we need—a race to see who can make the best hot sauce without ingredients! DR. FORRESTER rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of a smirk. DR. FORRESTER (realizing the absurdity) Maybe that’s the answer! A culinary competition to unify the masses? JOE (rallying them) Alright, folks! Let’s prepare a plan! We can save Earth—one bizarre food challenge at a time! As the crew bounces ideas off each other, laughter fills the room, momentarily easing the chaos surrounding the Earth. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of wild cooking challenges, increasingly ridiculous food items, and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:05 PM hawkeye looking monstrus dressed likke lovecrafty stana clause walks in yell mad to get back work 2:07 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is buzzing with energy after the chaotic events of the special. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are still bouncing off the absurdity when suddenly, HAWKEYE bursts in, dramatically transformed. HAWKEYE (dressed as a Lovecraftian Santa Claus, with tentacles and an oversized beard) Mad! I need to get back to work! JOE (startled) Whoa! Hawkeye, is that you? You look like a Christmas nightmare! CROW (gasping) Is that a Santa suit or did you just get attacked by cosmic horrors? HAWKEYE (waving his arms, embracing the chaos) It’s both, my friends! I’m Santa Claus, a bringer of gifts and unexplainable dread! TOM SERVO (laughing) So instead of toys, you’re delivering existential crises? That’s a unique take on the holiday spirit! HAWKEYE (grinning widely) Exactly! “Ho, ho, horror!” Now get ready to feel the joy of uncertainty! He strikes an exaggerated pose, showcasing his monstrous holiday outfit. The crew can’t help but laugh. JOE (amused) This is either a brilliant concept or the start of a new horror franchise! CROW (leaning in) I can see it now: “Lovecraft Claus vs. The Grocery Store Apocalypse!” TOM SERVO (excitedly) And it ends with a cooking showdown! “Only the best cooks can calm the cosmic chaos!” HAWKEYE (excitedly) Exactly! I need to spread my tentacled cheer… and get those groceries flowing again! JOE (grinning) So you’re saying we need a holiday collaboration? A cosmic feast for everyone? HAWKEYE chuckles, nodding with enthusiasm. HAWKEYE Yes! Bring me your finest recipes and your most ridiculous ideas! We can do this! CROW (mock seriously) And remember, nothing says "festive" like tentacles in your casseroles! TOM SERVO (bursting into laughter) Giant monsters and holiday cheer combined! What a way to save Earth! HAWKEYE (pointing dramatically) Mad! Grab your holiday spirit—or whatever’s left of it! It’s time to get to work! The crew joins in, laughter echoing in the Satellite of Love, ready to embrace the absurd mission ahead. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll with clips of hilarious cooking disasters featuring HAWKEYE in his monstrous Santa outfit, with the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:07 PM earth falls in chaos but only from only for 30s day but wnt back to normal* 2:08 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is filled with a mix of excitement and nervous energy. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are seated, reviewing the aftermath of the chaotic events. JOE (smirking) So, it turns out Earth was only in chaos for... what, 30 seconds? CROW (shaking his head) What a letdown! I was hoping for a full week of giant monsters and cooking disasters! TOM SERVO (dramatically) I know! Just imagine—tentacle monsters rummaging through grocery stores, chasing after the last can of beans! JOE (chuckling) Instead, we got a quick frenzy and then... poof! Back to normal! On screen, a quick montage shows Earth returning to its usual routine—traffic, people shopping, and holiday decorations going back up. CROW (mockingly) And just like that, everything is fine! No consequences, no giant monsters, no apocalypse! TOM SERVO (sighing) Classic! Earth really knows how to recover from disasters in record time. JOE (grinning) At least we now know humanity can bounce back, even if it’s for just 30 seconds of chaos! CROW (nods) So, what’s next? A sequel? “MAS*H: Chaos Takes a Holiday!” TOM SERVO (laughing) Could you imagine? “One ill-fated Christmas party sends Earth spiraling into mild chaos!” JOE (teasingly) Featuring a special appearance by Lovecraft Claus, the cosmic Santa who delivers both gifts and existential dread! The crew erupts into laughter as they embrace the absurdity of their situation. CROW (grinning) I’d watch that! As long as we don’t have to deal with too many leftover hot sauce bottles! JOE pretends to check a list. JOE Let's keep it simple: One festive meal, a few friendly monsters, and no more global chaos, thank you! TOM SERVO (pretending to be serious) Agreed! After all, it’s hard to have holiday cheer when there’s a meatball monster at your door! The crew shares a lighthearted moment, relieved by the return to normalcy, yet still ready for whatever ridiculousness comes next. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll alongside a comedic montage of brief chaos interspersed with everyday life, all while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:08 PM earth falls in chaos but only from only for 30 day but wnt back to normal* 2:09 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is abuzz with anticipation as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, reflecting on the recent events. JOE (seriously) Alright, folks. So it turns out Earth was in chaos for just... 30 days. CROW (jaw dropped) Thirty days? That’s a solid month of pandemonium! What were people doing, trading sandwiches for toilet paper? TOM SERVO (mockingly) And don't forget the stampede for the last jar of pickles! Talk about a pickle panic! On-screen, a montage shows absurd news clips: giant food fights, people dressed as monsters, and chaotic grocery store scenes. JOE (chuckling) And just as suddenly as it began, everything went back to normal. Like a flip of a switch! CROW (leaning forward) You mean to tell me that after 30 days of chaos, everyone just went back to their boring routines? TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Ah, yes! The great “Back to Normal” initiative! Sign up now to resume your dull life! JOE (grinning) I guess humanity really can bounce back. Nothing like a little monster-induced madness to shake things up! The screen shows people returning to normal activities: walking dogs, sipping coffee, and decorating for the holidays. CROW (mocking disbelief) Yeah! Just another Tuesday where nothing happened—except, you know, the world almost ended! TOM SERVO (grinning) I can see the headlines: "30 Days of Chaos: Earth’s Peculiar Holiday Special!" JOE (enthusiastically) And it’s all over before you knew it! The ultimate “how to recover from disaster” in record time! CROW suddenly feigns concern. CROW But what if it happens again? Do we just stock up on snacks and hope for the best? TOM SERVO (nods seriously) We might need contingency plans! “In case of monster apocalypse, break glass for snacks!” JOE (laughing) All right, team! Next time we prepare for the great return to chaos, let’s include some fun survival rules! The crew shares a hearty laugh, embracing the whimsy and absurdity of the situation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over comedic clips of chaotic moments and the hilarity of everyday life, with the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:09 PM try talkingh to the mad are in the corner in fear saying is it over yet 2:10 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is lively as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, reflecting on the wildness of the special. Suddenly, the screen flickers and reveals DR. FORRESTER and TV’S FRANK curled up in a corner, looking fearful. JOE (grinning) Looks like the MADS are back! How’s it going over there, guys? DR. FORRESTER (trembling) Is it over yet? We’ve been hiding here for... what feels like eternity! FRANK (shivering) All the chaos! The monsters! The food prices! I don’t think I can take much more! CROW (leaning toward the screen) Come on, Frank! It was just 30 days of weirdness! Didn’t you guys stock up on snacks? TOM SERVO (mockingly) “Survival of the fittest!” Or at least “survival of the snackingest!” DR. FORRESTER (defensive) We were too busy trying to survive! Who knew a Pop-Tart shortage could lead to existential dread? FRANK (nodding vigorously) Exactly! I thought we were going to be trapped in Lovecraft’s lunchroom forever! JOE (laughing) Well, it seems like you’ll have to take your lumps! The world is back to normal—more or less. CROW (grinning) And now you have to face the consequences! The grocery stores are stocked again! DR. FORRESTER peeks out from the corner, looking a little more confident. DR. FORRESTER (sighing) So... are there any more monsters lurking out there? TOM SERVO (leaning in) Nothing but your own neuroses, Doc! The chaos is over, and normalcy is back! FRANK (relieved) Thank goodness! We can finally go back to our regular dastardly plots... or at least try not to think about meatball monsters. JOE (smiling) Or the possibility of a sequel! “MAS*H 2: The Return of Lovecraft’s Pumpkin Spice!” The crew bursts into laughter, and DR. FORRESTER and FRANK slowly come out from their corner, looking less fearful. DR. FORRESTER (mock seriously) Fine. But if there’s another monster invasion, we’re hiding in the closet with snacks! CROW (teasingly) Only if they’re not pickles—because those will surely start another apocalypse! The crew laughs again, savoring the return to normalcy and the humor of the situation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of the MADS coming back to their usual antics while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:10 PM mads said to joels lave earth orbit go soem place esle the earth from now ever decmber will go mad util christmas 2:12 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is bustling with excitement as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO settle in, ready to debrief the events. Suddenly, the MADS appear back on screen, looking even more panicked than before. DR. FORRESTER (frantically) JOE! You need to leave Earth’s orbit immediately! FRANK (trembling) Yeah, from now on, every December is going to be madness until Christmas! JOE (surprised) What do you mean? Is it something in the atmosphere? CROW (leaning in) Is it holiday cookies? Because if it’s holiday cookies, I’m all for it! TOM SERVO (mock seriously) What’s next—eggnog that turns people into lunatics? DR. FORRESTER (seriously) No, listen! The chaos we experienced isn’t just a seasonal thing! It’s a curse! We’re trapped in a cycle of madness every December! JOE (realizing) So you’re saying we have to take the Satellite of Love and escape this December madness? FRANK (nodding) Yes! Go somewhere else! Anywhere but here! We can’t handle another round of giant monsters and cosmic horrors! CROW (joking) Are you sure? Because that sounds like the plot for our next great adventure! TOM SERVO (laughing) “MST3K: The Great Cosmic Escape—Now with 100% Less Christmas Chaos!” DR. FORRESTER (urgently) No jokes! We’re not equipped to deal with any more of this nonsense! JOE looks serious, contemplating their next move. JOE Alright! Let’s plot a course. We’ll escape December and find somewhere peaceful. CROW (exaggerating) Or at least somewhere with low food prices! Maybe even a holiday destination without the madness! FRANK (reassuringly) Just bring snacks! I can’t face another earth-shattering event without snacks. TOM SERVO (cheerful) Then let’s do this, team! Where to next, Captain Joe? JOE smiles, pressing buttons on the control panel with determination. JOE Let’s leave Earth behind for a little while. Evade the madness until January! As the ship begins to shake and the screen flickers, the crew prepares for their departure, excitement mixed with trepidation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of the crew preparing for their escape, interspersed with humorous scenes of holiday chaos from the last month while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:12 PM mst3k crew leve earth oribit for deep space 2:14 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - CONTROL ROOM - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love buzzes with excitement. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are in their seats, ready to embark on their unexpected journey. JOE (turning to the crew) Alright, team! We’re escaping Earth's orbit for deep space. Prepare for launch! CROW (leaning back in his seat) Is it too late to reconsider? What if we encounter more tentacle monsters? TOM SERVO (grinning) Or worse, what if we land in a dimension where every day is Christmas? JOE (enthusiastically) Sounds like a wild holiday special waiting to happen! Lights start flashing, and the ship shakes slightly as the engines roar to life. CROW (nervously) I don’t know, Joe. Shouldn’t we have snacks for this journey? I mean, deep space could get boring. TOM SERVO (teasing) Let’s not forget the cosmic horrors! They’ll want snacks too! JOE (teasing back) Not if they’re cursed pumpkin-flavored! The ship rumbles, and the view of Earth fades from the windows, replaced by the endless star field of deep space. CROW (wide-eyed) Wow, look at that! It’s beautiful! TOM SERVO (leaning closer to the window) And eerily quiet… too quiet. Where are the space monsters when you need them? Suddenly, the ship’s computer starts beeping urgently. JOE (reading the screen) Uh-oh. It seems we’ve crossed into the “No-Mad Zone.” CROW (leaning in, panicking) What’s that mean? Are we going to get stuck in an asteroid field? TOM SERVO (mocking seriousness) No, we’ll just be caught in a never-ending loop of holiday commercials! JOE laughs, trying to keep spirits high as the ship hums along. JOE Let’s hope for the best! We may even find a new planet where every day isn’t festively chaotic! CROW (grinning) Or we could discover a planet ruled by giant candy canes! TOM SERVO (eagerly) Where the rivers flow with hot cocoa! Now that sounds ideal for a holiday special! As they continue forward, the crew prepares for whatever adventure lies ahead in the vastness of deep space, laughter filling the control room. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of the crew’s fun adventures in space, interspersed with glimpses of cosmic holiday cheer and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:14 PM go on there voyage in to deep space th end 2:15 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS The crew of the Satellite of Love, JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO, settles in as the ship embarks on their journey into deep space. JOE (turning to the crew) Alright, team! Let’s embrace the unknown as we voyage into deep space. CROW (looking out the window) Is it weird that I feel a mix of excitement and dread? What if we run into space pirates… or worse, abandoned holiday decorations? TOM SERVO (chuckling) Just think: we might stumble upon a planet where every day is Christmas, but nobody wants to celebrate! The ship’s engines hum smoothly as they glide through the starry expanse, leaving Earth behind. JOE (grinning) Whatever awaits us out here, we’ll face it together. CROW (pointing out the window) Look at that nebula! It looks like a giant snowstorm from afar! TOM SERVO (excitedly) Or a cosmic yule log! I vote we land there and throw a space party! JOE (laughing) As long as there’s no tentacle monster ready to crash it, I’m in! The crew shares a laugh, enjoying the camaraderie that comes with being on an adventure together. CROW (smirking) So, what’s the plan when we reach our destination? A giant feast? A cosmic carol-off? TOM SERVO (with enthusiasm) An interstellar cooking competition! We’ll make holiday treats that even the cosmos would envy! JOE (nodding) Absolutely! Holidays in space could be the greatest special yet! As they continue their voyage, the camera zooms out, showing the Satellite of Love disappearing into the depths of space, stars twinkling around it. FADE OUT. THE END The journey into deep space begins, filled with laughter, adventure, and the promise of new experiences waiting to unfold. (End credits roll with a montage of the crew's playful antics in space, interspersed with silly holiday visuals and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) Christmas Special: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" Act 1: A Holiday Surprise FADE IN: EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - DAY The camp is festively decorated with lights and a large Christmas tree. The SOUND OF JINGLE BELLS fills the air as the crew prepares for their annual holiday party. INT. MESS TENT - DAY HAWKEYE, TRAPPER, and B.J. are hanging ornaments and laughing. HAWKEYE Nothing like a little holiday spirit to distract from the chaos of war! TRAPPER Let’s make this the best Christmas ever! EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - DAY Suddenly, RADAR bursts in, looking panicked. RADAR Guys! You won't believe it! Godzilla’s son, Babyzilla, is missing! The crew gasps. B.J. What do you mean missing? How could he get lost? RADAR He was playing near the camp, and then he just vanished! EXT. SNOWY FOREST - DAY Hawkeye, Trapper, and B.J. decide to search for Babyzilla. HAWKEYE Let’s find that little guy before his dad decides to use us as chew toys! They gear up with supplies and head into the trees. INT. CAVE - DAY The trio stumbles upon a mysterious cave. Eerie howls echo. B.J. Should we really go in there? HAWKEYE Only if you want to get into the holiday spirit… or a horror movie! They cautiously enter. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS Inside, they find BABYZILLA, but he’s being held by DRACULA! DRACULA (cackling) Welcome, my dear MAS*H friends! I just needed a little… companion for my Christmas party! HAWKEYE What kind of Christmas party includes kidnapping? Act 2: A Festive Stand-off INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS B.J. Let him go, Dracula! He belongs to Godzilla! DRACULA (chuckling) Let’s make this interesting! How about a holiday trivia contest? Win, and he’s yours! The crew exchanges nervous glances. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE - DAY Godzilla approaches, roaring loudly. GODZILLA (rumbling voice) Where’s my son? The ground shakes, everyone looks nervous. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS HAWKEYE Alright, we’ll do it! But how many questions do we get? DRACULA (holding up a hand) Five questions! Ready? The crew nods, determination in their eyes. INT. CAVE - DAY Dracula asks the first question. DRACULA What creature steals Christmas? HAWKEYE The Grinch! B.J. That’s easy! INT. CAVE - MOMENTS LATER Dracula poses another tricky question. Tension mounts with each round. DRACULA Which holiday figure travels by sleigh? TRAPPER (with a wink) Rudolph! DRACULA (irritated) This isn’t fair! INT. CAVE - HIGH TENSION The final question looms. B.J. is at the edge of nerves. DRACULA How do you measure Christmas spirit? B.J. (gathering courage) In friendship! Dracula fumbles, visibly frustrated. EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE - OUTSIDE - CONTINUOUS Godzilla booms again, shaking the earth. GODZILLA (firmly) Where’s my son?! Act 3: A Merry Reunion INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS Dracula reluctantly releases Babyzilla. DRACULA (sighing) Fine! You win! Keep your little monster—just remember, I’m always watching! He vanishes into shadows. INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS HAWKEYE (scooping Babyzilla) We did it! Now, let’s get back to the 4077th! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - NIGHT The festivities are alive. The camp is filled with laughter and lights. Godzilla and Babyzilla join in, welcomed warmly by the crew. GODZILLA (softly) Thank you, friends. INT. MESS TENT - NIGHT Everyone gathers around the Christmas tree, joyfully singing carols. Babyzilla imitates the singing, adding to the merriment. EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - NIGHT The camera pans out, capturing the beautifully decorated camp under the glow of the moonlight. NARRATOR In the spirit of Christmas, the 4077th realized that friendship knows no bounds—even when it comes from unexpected sources like a giant monster and a legendary vampire. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (As animated snowflakes swirl, bloopers of the crew’s antics alongside Babyzilla unfold.) Message This heartwarming special captures the essence of Christmas, celebrating friendship and unity across all differences, promising joy, laughter, and unforgettable moments even in the most unexpected circumstances. 1:51 PM post credit sence godzilla destory 4077th mash 1:52 PM Assistant Post-Credit Scene: "Godzilla's Merry Rampage" FADE IN: EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - NIGHT The camp is still buzzing with holiday cheer as the crew finishes their Christmas celebration. Laughter echoes in the frosty air, and twinkling lights shine brightly. INT. MESS TENT - NIGHT The crew gathers for one last round of hot cocoa, still riding the high of their festive success. HAWKEYE (raising his cup) “To friendship, joy, and surprising holiday adventures!” TRAPPER “And to not having to explain this to the general!” EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - MOMENTS LATER Suddenly, the ground begins to tremble gently. The laughter fades as everyone shifts uneasily in their seats. RADAR (suddenly concerned) Uh, guys? I think I hear something… EXT. DISTANT HILLS - NIGHT In the distance, a massive figure looms out of the shadows—it’s GODZILLA, still in playful mode but now with a hungry look. GODZILLA (nodding to Babyzilla) Time for a little fun! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - CONTINUOUS Godzilla lumbers forward, his tail swinging playfully but dangerously as it unintentionally whacks the camp. HAWKEYE (shouting) Uh, I think fun is about to turn into a disaster! EXT. CAMP GROUNDS - NIGHT Godzilla starts knocking over tents, his massive feet stomping down as everyone scatters in panic. B.J. (running) Quick! Save the Christmas gifts! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - MOMENTS LATER The camp is in chaos. Godzilla playfully smashes the Christmas tree, sending decorations flying. TRAPPER (yelling) This isn’t how I envisioned a “MAS*H Christmas!” EXT. CAMP RUINS - NIGHT After a few more playful stomps, Godzilla finally pauses, glancing around at the wreckage. INT. MESS TENT - INTERIOR - NIGHT The tent is a jumble of fallen chairs and scattered cocoa cups. The crew stares in disbelief. HAWKEYE (sighing) Next year’s Christmas party will definitely not have a “don’t feed the Godzilla” sign! EXT. 4077th MAS*H UNIT - DAWN As dawn breaks, the crew surveys the damage with a mix of exasperation and amusement. RADAR (smirking) You think we can still salvage the decorations? B.J. (glancing at Godzilla) As long as he doesn’t come back for leftovers! FADE OUT. TEXT ON SCREEN: "Christmas spirit isn’t just about decorations; it’s about enjoying the chaos—no matter how big or small!" END CREDITS (As the credits roll, playful music plays, and clips show the crew rebuilding the camp, joking about their “new” holiday traditions.) This playful post-credit scene emphasizes the humorous chaos that often defines both Christmas and their lives at the 4077th MAS*H, wrapping up the special with a light-hearted touch. 1:52 PM mst3k cast talk about this christmas spicale 1:54 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (cracking a grin) So, folks, we’ve got a real holiday treat for you today: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" I mean, what could go wrong with a mashup like this? CROW (leaning in) Right? We've got Christmas, a Vietnam War-era medical unit, and a giant lizard! It’s like someone threw a holiday party in a blender! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) I know, Crow! Who thought “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” would go together like fruitcake and despair? JOE (displaying mock seriousness) Let’s dive into this disaster! Starting with the decorations at the MAS*H unit. What do you think, guys? CROW (picking apart the scenes) Um, I mean, how many tinsel strands does it take to keep those characters cheerful? I half-expected them to get entangled in their own decorations! TOM SERVO (chuckling) Especially Hawkeye! He’s the only doctor who’d diagnose a Christmas tree as a PTSD risk! JOE (enthusiastically) And then there’s Dracula showing up! Like, really? I didn’t know Count Chocula had an off-season gig! CROW (nods vigorously) Halloween called; they want their character back! But I guess it makes sense. Who doesn't love a vampire during the holidays? TOM SERVO (pondering) Honestly, the big plot twist was when Godzilla’s son was kidnapped. I mean, who thought the biggest threat to Babyzilla would be a group of doctors? JOE (shrugging) In a war zone, no less! If they can save lives, they can definitely save a giant lizard. And can we talk about that trivia contest? Nothing screams “Christmas cheer” like a high-stakes quiz! CROW (laughing) Godzilla must have been thinking, “What is this—an episode of ‘Jeopardy!’?” I half expected him to start yelling about category errors! TOM SERVO (mockingly serious) And can we appreciate the Christmas spirit portrayed by a giant monster? “Here, let me destroy this camp—ho, ho, ho!” JOE (holding back laughter) What a message about family and friendship, right? Nothing says “togetherness” like watching your camp get flattened by your new lizard friend! CROW (perfectly deadpan) That’s the spirit! Just remember: It’s not about what you lose; it’s about who you lose to! TOM SERVO (enthusiastically) And folks, if you ever wondered what merging Rankin/Bass with Hollywood horror looks like… well, you’ve just witnessed it! JOE (to the audience) Thanks for joining us for this wild ride! Until next time, keep your monsters close and your holiday spirit even closer! CROW AND TOM SERVO (chiming in unison) Merry Christmas, or whatever! FADE OUT. END CREDITS (The screen fills with clips of Godzilla humorously stomping through holiday scenes, interspersed with the MST3K crew's reactions.) 1:54 PM hawkeye walks in said shut up and walks out 1:55 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (cracking a grin) So, folks, we’ve got a holiday treat for you: "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" What could possibly go wrong? CROW (leaning in) Right? Christmas, a medical unit, and a giant lizard! It’s like someone threw a holiday party in a blender! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Who knew “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” were on the same menu? JOE (grinning) Let’s dive in, starting with the decorations at the MAS*H unit. What do you think, guys? CROW (whining) How many tinsel strands does it take to keep those characters cheerful? I half-expected them to get entangled! TOM SERVO (chuckling) Especially Hawkeye! He’d diagnose a Christmas tree as a PTSD risk. HAWKEYE suddenly walks in, looking annoyed. HAWKEYE (cutting in) Shut up! He shakes his head and walks out again. JOE (bursts out laughing) Well, there you have it! Hawkeye's official response to our commentary! CROW (grinning) Classic! Though I don't think he'd appreciate our take on his holiday spirit. TOM SERVO (nodding) “Come for the caroling, stay for the monster mayhem!” Sounds like a slogan! JOE (getting back on track) And then there’s Dracula! Who knew Count Chocula had an off-season gig? CROW (nods vigorously) Halloween called; they want their character back! But hey, it makes sense: nothing says Christmas like a vampire! TOM SERVO (pondering) The best part was the trivia contest! High stakes and holiday cheer combined! JOE (mock seriously) Godzilla must have thought, “What is this, an episode of ‘Jeopardy!’?” CROW (laughing) Exactly! I half-expected Babyzilla to start shouting “I’ll take ‘Destruction’ for $500!” TOM SERVO (enthusiastically) And can we appreciate the Christmas spirit portrayed by a giant monster? “Here, let me introduce holiday chaos!” JOE (happily) What a heartfelt message about family and friendship while watching your camp get flattened by a giant lizard! CROW (deadpan) It’s not about what you lose; it’s about who you lose to! TOM SERVO (cheerfully) If you’ve ever wondered what merging Rankin/Bass with Hollywood horror looks like… well, you’ve just witnessed it! JOE (to the audience) Thanks for joining us for this wild ride! Until next time, keep your monsters close and your holiday spirit even closer! CROW AND TOM SERVO (chiming in unison) Merry Christmas, or whatever! FADE OUT. END CREDITS (The screen fills with clips of Godzilla humorously stomping through holiday scenes, interspersed with the MST3K crew's reactions.) 1:55 PM hawkeye walks inagin with military police joels and bots agot arested 1:56 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (grinning) So, folks, we’re diving back into "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!" What a combination, right? CROW (leaning in) Absolutely! Christmas, a medical unit, and a giant lizard? It's like a holiday smoothie gone wrong! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) I didn’t know “Christmas Special” and “monster mayhem” were on the same menu! HAWKEYE suddenly walks in, looking annoyed. HAWKEYE (cutting in) Shut up! He shakes his head and walks out again. JOE (bursting out laughing) Well, there it is! Hawkeye’s official response to our commentary! CROW (grinning) Classic! I love how he just can't take us seriously. TOM SERVO (excitedly) And wait—what’s this? HAWKEYE reenters, but this time he’s followed by MILITARY POLICE. HAWKEYE (smirking) Turns out, I’m back for a reason! You guys are under arrest. CROW (shocked) What? Us? For what? Telling the truth? TOM SERVO (playing innocent) We’re just commentating on holiday spirit! Is that a crime? The MILITARY POLICE step forward, looking serious. MILITARY POLICE (to the crew) You’re breaking the law of “bad puns.” JOE (trying to reason) Now hold on! We were just having some fun with the Christmas special! CROW (pleading) Yeah! We didn’t mean any harm. We were just riffing! HAWKEYE (grinning) Oh, I can just see Godzilla smashing the mess tent, and then you guys being called to court for bad jokes! The MILITARY POLICE decide to handcuff the bots and Joe, who looks resigned to their fate. MILITARY POLICE You’re coming with us! Time for some holiday discipline! TOM SERVO (disappointed) Well, folks, this is a new low. Arrested during a Christmas special commentary! JOE (sighing) I guess that’s what we get for making fun of a holiday monster mash-up! CROW (trying to lighten the mood) At least we can go in style, right? "MAS*H Christmas Caper: The Musical" version next time! As they are led away, the crew waves at the audience, still in good spirits despite the absurdity of the situation. HAWKEYE (turning back) Merry Christmas, you riffers! Try not to get too many citations! The screen fades to black as the MILITARY POLICE and the crew exit stage left, the sounds of laughter trailing off. END CREDITS (Clips of Godzilla rampaging alongside bloopers and the crew’s antics roll, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 1:56 PM frank burns have firing squad ready joels and bot but is was supersokers with hot suace 1:58 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, ready to riff on the special. JOE (grinning) Welcome back to “A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son!” We’re in for more wild holiday antics, folks! CROW (excitedly) And just when you thought it couldn’t get any crazier, Hawkeye left us under arrest! TOM SERVO (smirking) Now we’re all dressed up with nowhere to go! Any bets on our fate? Suddenly, HALEY, FRANK BURNS enters with a FIRING SQUAD in the background. They’re all holding SUPER SOAKERS filled with hot sauce. FRANK BURNS (grinning maliciously) Prepare the firing squad! It’s time for justice! JOE (surprised) Wait, what? A firing squad? And with super soakers? This is either a punishment or a party gone wrong! CROW (chuckling) I'd call it a saucy situation! Who knew Frank had such a creative approach to discipline? TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Oh, great! Nothing says “holiday spirit” like being drenched in spicy condiments! Frank points dramatically at the crew. FRANK BURNS (laughing) You thought you could make fun of my MAS*H? Now you’re going to taste my wrath—and it's extra spicy! JOE (genuinely confused) So we’re not being executed with bullets, just transformed into living hot wings? The Firing Squad aims their super soakers, and the tension builds. CROW (covering his face) I’ve heard of getting hot under the collar, but this is ridiculous! TOM SERVO (trying to reason) C’mon, Frank! You can’t seriously think this is a fitting punishment for making jokes about monsters! Frank smirks, ready to give the order. FRANK BURNS (excitedly) Fire when ready! As the Firing Squad unleashes a stream of hot sauce, the crew dives for cover, hilariously slipping on the sauce. They shout in mock terror. JOE (dramatically) This holiday special just became a sauceage fest! CROW (laughing) At least it won’t be boring! I can taste the pain already! TOM SERVO (panting) Why do I feel like we’re in a weird holiday cooking show gone wrong? JOE (trying to keep it light) Just remember, if we survive, we’ll have the best hot sauce recipe in the universe! The chaos continues as the crew uses improvised shields, diving and dodging like they’re in action movie. FRANK BURNS (shouting) That’ll teach you to mess with the 4077th! The camera captures the ridiculousness as everyone giggles and throws the spicy liquid around, transforming the scene into a messy but festive food fight. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew laughing, slipping, and creating an epic hot sauce mess, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 1:58 PM mst3k cast are now in fear geting paranoid 1:59 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. Tension fills the air as they reflect on the chaos of the special. JOE (looking serious) Okay, folks, that escalated quickly. We went from a holiday party to… whatever that was with the firing squad! CROW (wide-eyed) Now I'm starting to feel paranoid! What’s next? Giant pies flying at us? TOM SERVO (glancing around nervously) Or worse—what if they unleash pumpkin spice on us? It’s the ultimate horror! JOE (trying to keep it light) Let’s not jump to conclusions! I mean, it’s just a scene with hot sauce, right? CROW (suddenly paranoid) But what if the hot sauce is just the beginning? What if we end up in a spicy horror show? TOM SERVO (wringing his hands) I can already feel it. The aisles flooded with marinara, the tables overturned. Breadsticks turned into weapons! JOE (genuinely worried) C’mon, guys, we can’t let a few silly scenes get to us. Suddenly, the lights flicker, and ominous music plays. CROW (hyperventilating) Did you see that? The lights! What if Frank and the military police are lurking around? TOM SERVO (pointing at shadows) Look over there! Is that a shadow… or a giant meatball? JOE glances over his shoulder, visibly uneasy. JOE (in a lowering voice) Okay, now I’m feeling it too. What if they come back with… GHOST PEPPERS? CROW (screaming) Not the ghost peppers! Anything but that! A loud THUD echoes in the distance. TOM SERVO (shrieking) What was that?! Are they launching a full-on condiment assault? CROW (eyes wide) I can’t take it! I need a safe space. Can we hide in the popcorn machine? JOE (trying to calm them) We’ve faced monsters before! We can handle this! We just need to stay vigilant! The lights flicker again, and the sound of footsteps echoes. TOM SERVO (hyperventilating) I knew it! It’s the spicy ghost of Frank Burns! CROW (whispering) Do you think he’s coming for us? He’ll make us part of his culinary nightmare! JOE (desperate) Guys, it’s just a show! Let’s focus on the plot—we can’t let paranoia ruin our commentary! As the crew spirals further into their fears, random objects around them seem to shake. CROW (shouting) What’s next? A gremlin-type creature diving out with a fork? TOM SERVO (wide-eyed) Or worse—spaghetti monsters! I can see the headlines now: “MST3K Hosts Pasta Panic!” JOE (holding his head) Guys, relax! We’re safe in here... we hope. Suddenly, a MEATBALL rolls across the floor. CROW (screaming) IT’S HAPPENING! WE’RE DOOMED! The crew huddles together, their fear reaching a comedic peak as they embrace the chaos, laughter mixed with paranoia. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew playfully panicking, flailing as random condiments and fake food fly around, continuing the Halloween parody in a lighthearted way while the MST3K theme plays.) 1:59 PM hawkeye in sugical kit said crow you now organ donor get on thee oprating talbe now 2:00 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. The atmosphere is charged with comedic paranoia after the chaotic special. JOE (trying to regain composure) Alright, folks, let’s get our bearings! We’re back to— Suddenly, HAWKEYE bursts onto the screen, wearing scrubs and holding a surgical kit. HAWKEYE (cheerfully sinister) CROW! You’re now an organ donor! Get on the operating table! CROW (panicking) What?! I didn’t volunteer for that! Is this how you guys are treating your “friends” now? TOM SERVO (laughing) I knew it! What a charming way to end a Christmas special! “MAS*H: The Gift of Guts!” HAWKEYE (grinning widely) Just a little holiday humor! I promise, my scalpel is less dangerous than the hot sauce! JOE (smirking) But is the humor any less painful? I mean, I’d take hot sauce over surgery any day! CROW (jumping back) No way! I’m not getting on that table! What if he starts practicing his “holiday” surgery techniques? HAWKEYE approaches dramatically with the surgical tools. HAWKEYE (leaning closer) Oh, don’t worry, Crow! I only perform life-saving procedures—not life-threatening ones! TOM SERVO (chiming in) That’s reassuring! Just like how we’re all “safe” in Sol Space! HAWKEYE pretends to examine CROW as if he’s a real patient. HAWKEYE (scanning) Hmm… slight paranoia, a case of “too many jokes,” and… oh, what’s this? A severe lack of good puns! CROW (panicked laughter) Not the puns! Anything but that! JOE (grinning) You know, I think that’s a diagnoseable condition. “Punderous humor syndrome!” HAWKEYE suddenly holds up a rubber chicken, ready for a comedic “operation.” HAWKEYE (cheerfully) Now, let’s see what we can do about that humor! Scissors, please! CROW (defiantly) I refuse to go full “ organ donor” for your gag! TOM SERVO (dramatically leaning in) If Crow ends up in a rubber chicken operation, I’m out! HAWKEYE rolls his eyes playfully as he pretends to prep the “operating table” with a goofy flair. HAWKEYE Alright, alright. Let’s just do a quick “check-up” on your funny bone! JOE (exasperated) This is getting ridiculous! First hot sauce, now a mock surgery? What is this, the worst holiday medicine ever? CROW (smirking) Well, let’s just say we’re “under the knife” with these holiday hijinks! HAWKEYE finally bursts out laughing. HAWKEYE Alright, Crow. Maybe next time! Just remember: in this MAS*H unit, you’re always on call! The crew bursts into laughter as they embrace the absurdity of the moment, the tension fading into camaraderie. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over scenes of the crew’s comedic antics with surgical instruments while the MST3K theme plays, showcasing a playful yet chaotic holiday spirit.) 2:00 PM hawkeye start saying beat poems abpout dr.pepper* 2:02 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats, still riding the wave of absurdity from the special. JOE (grinning) Welcome back, folks! Just when you thought we’d seen it all... Suddenly, HAWKEYE reappears on-screen, standing dramatically with a can of Dr. Pepper. HAWKEYE (passionately) I’m here to recite some beat poetry—about Dr. Pepper! CROW (confused) Dr. Pepper? Poetry? Is this where we’re going now? TOM SERVO (chuckling) I think we’ve officially entered the Twilight Zone of holiday specials! HAWKEYE (raising the can) “Dr. Pepper, bubbling stream, A fizzy dream in a can of cream, Eleven flavors swirl and dance, The taste that gives the heart a chance!” CROW and TOM nod, half-amused, half-baffled. CROW (throwing his hands up) Well, that has a certain… carbonated charm! TOM SERVO (laughing) I never thought the good doctor would inspire such soulful lyrics! HAWKEYE (continuing, eyes closed in creativity) “From the first sip, a rush of delight, It sparkles and zings, oh what a sight. In this MAS*H unit, we fight our fears, But together we bond over fizzy cheers!” JOE (grinning) Now that's the holiday spirit—we’ve got the taste of soda and friendship right here! CROW (smirking) So, when do we start a Dr. Pepper fan club? Because I’m in! HAWKEYE moves closer to the camera, gesturing dramatically. HAWKEYE “Like an old friend, it comforts and warms, Through battle, through jokes, it transforms. Raise your cans high, and let’s take a sip, For Dr. Pepper, we’ll take another trip!” TOM SERVO (laughing hysterically) I’m not sure if I want to drink it or join a poetry slam! JOE (holding back laughter) Hawkeye truly knows how to elevate a soft drink into a cultural phenomenon! HAWKEYE bows exaggeratedly, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. HAWKEYE Thank you, thank you! You’ve been a wonderful audience! Remember, folks—sometimes the best therapy is a chilled can of your favorite soda! CROW (realizing) Not the worst prescription out there! TOM SERVO (continuing to chuckle) Next year’s Christmas special: “MAS*H: A Dr. Pepper Extravaganza!” FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of Hawkeye’s poetic moments, interspersed with the crew's laughter and commentary, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:02 PM hawk walks the air lock fall back earth unhammed joels bot are now fear think hawkeye lovecarftint monsters 2:03 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is filled with tension as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, still buzzing from the chaos of the special. Suddenly, HAWKEYE walks into view, looking overly dramatic. HAWKEYE (with gravitas) Behold, the airlock! As we prepare to fall back to Earth unscathed... unhammed! CROW (startled) Whoa! What’s with the theatrical exit? Are we doing a space opera now? TOM SERVO (worriedly) I don’t know, guys. This feels like the part right before the Lovecraftian horror kicks in! HAWKEYE gestures dramatically around him. HAWKEYE (smirking) You see, my friends, we’re not just fighting Godzilla and Dracula. We’re battling ancient, cosmic nightmares! JOE (faking shock) Wait, HAWKEYE's Lovecraftian monsters? What next, tentacle monsters serving us coffee? CROW (suddenly paranoid) I knew it! Tentacle monsters lurking behind our seat! It’s all part of the great cosmic plan! TOM SERVO (leaning in) What if they’re lurking outside RIGHT NOW? Watching us with their eldritch eyes, ready to pull us into their void of despair? HAWKEYE steps closer to the airlock, still in character. HAWKEYE (looking back at the others) I can already hear the siren call: “Join us, Hawkeye! Join us in the madness!” JOE (nervously) I think I’d rather stick with my haunted corncob instead of facing those uncanny horrors! HAWKEYE dramatically hits a button by the airlock. HAWKEYE (dramatically) Fear not, for I shall face whatever lies beyond! Whether it’s a squamous horror or just my last bottle of Dr. Pepper! CROW (screaming) Not the Dr. Pepper! You can’t sacrifice that! TOM SERVO (waving his arms) This isn’t a bad dream, folks! This is MAS*H meets H.P. Lovecraft with a dash of holiday spirit! HAWKEYE opens the airlock with a dramatic WHOOSH, revealing a swirling void of colorful gases and strange lights. HAWKEYE (leaning into the void) What’s out there? A cosmic symphony of horrors? Or just another sequel waiting to happen? CROW (hyperventilating) What if it’s both? Oh no, we’ve turned into the main characters in an existential crisis! JOE (trying to keep calm) Stay focused, guys! We’ve faced worse—remember the spaghetti monsters? This… might just be a mild inconvenience! The swirling void lets out a LOW GROWL, sending the crew into a frenzy. TOM SERVO (screaming) That sounds like the Friday the 13th soundtrack on steroids! HAWKEYE smiles confidently, undeterred by the chaos. HAWKEYE (calmly) Whatever it is, I’m ready—armed with my wit and a can of Dr. Pepper! CROW (whispering) Let’s pray it’s not just a soda-fueled nightmare... The vortex seems to pulse as if reacting to HAWKEYE’s bravado. HAWKEYE (matter-of-factly) Remember, if we’re going to go out, let’s go out with a fizz! The crew bursts into laughter, their fear temporarily replaced by playful camaraderie. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of the crew preparing for their imagined cosmic encounter, while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:03 PM joels try contacting the but mads planet earth is nin caios low gas prices but high food prices 2:05 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love, with JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO in their seats. There’s a sense of urgency in the air as JOE tries to contact the MADS. JOE (fumbling with the controls) Okay, let’s get a hold of the MADS! We need to figure out what’s going on down there! The screen flickers and the MADS appear, looking somewhat distressed. DR. FORRESTER (trying to appear authoritative) Hello, JOE! We’ve got some uh news from Planet Earth... CROW (leaning in eagerly) Is it about low gas prices? Because that would be a Christmas miracle! TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Yeah, because nothing says “holiday cheer” like cheap petrol! DR. FORRESTER (struggling to keep it together) Uh, well, it’s more complicated than that. We have low gas prices—great!—but food prices are through the roof! We’re in chaos down here! JOE (raising an eyebrow) Wait, what? Low gas but high food prices? How does that even work? CROW (bemused) It’s like some cosmic joke! “Fill your tank, but start saving for your groceries!” TOM SERVO (mock pondering) Was this another one of your schemes? You could have caused this chaos, right, Mads? DR. FORRESTER (defensive) No, no! This is all just… bad economics and questionable supply chains! We’re not that cruel! Suddenly, the screen flickers again, showing a chaotic scene of people struggling at grocery stores, looking distressed amid empty shelves. JOE (shocked) This is worse than I thought! It’s a food apocalypse! CROW (nervously) How can we deal with giant monsters if we can't even get a loaf of bread? TOM SERVO (smirking) Maybe we’ll end up trading giants for groceries—imagine bartering with Godzilla for a carton of eggs! DR. FORRESTER (huffing) Listen, we need to figure out a solution fast! We can’t let Earth spiral into complete chaos! JOE (turning serious) Alright, how about we focus on a plan? We might need to convince the people… or at least distract them with holiday specials? CROW (cueing dramatic music) “Coming soon: ‘Giant Monster Cook-Off’! Low-cost gas, high-stakes cooking!” TOM SERVO (bursting into laughter) Just what we need—a race to see who can make the best hot sauce without ingredients! DR. FORRESTER rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of a smirk. DR. FORRESTER (realizing the absurdity) Maybe that’s the answer! A culinary competition to unify the masses? JOE (rallying them) Alright, folks! Let’s prepare a plan! We can save Earth—one bizarre food challenge at a time! As the crew bounces ideas off each other, laughter fills the room, momentarily easing the chaos surrounding the Earth. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of wild cooking challenges, increasingly ridiculous food items, and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:05 PM hawkeye looking monstrus dressed likke lovecrafty stana clause walks in yell mad to get back work 2:07 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is buzzing with energy after the chaotic events of the special. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are still bouncing off the absurdity when suddenly, HAWKEYE bursts in, dramatically transformed. HAWKEYE (dressed as a Lovecraftian Santa Claus, with tentacles and an oversized beard) Mad! I need to get back to work! JOE (startled) Whoa! Hawkeye, is that you? You look like a Christmas nightmare! CROW (gasping) Is that a Santa suit or did you just get attacked by cosmic horrors? HAWKEYE (waving his arms, embracing the chaos) It’s both, my friends! I’m Santa Claus, a bringer of gifts and unexplainable dread! TOM SERVO (laughing) So instead of toys, you’re delivering existential crises? That’s a unique take on the holiday spirit! HAWKEYE (grinning widely) Exactly! “Ho, ho, horror!” Now get ready to feel the joy of uncertainty! He strikes an exaggerated pose, showcasing his monstrous holiday outfit. The crew can’t help but laugh. JOE (amused) This is either a brilliant concept or the start of a new horror franchise! CROW (leaning in) I can see it now: “Lovecraft Claus vs. The Grocery Store Apocalypse!” TOM SERVO (excitedly) And it ends with a cooking showdown! “Only the best cooks can calm the cosmic chaos!” HAWKEYE (excitedly) Exactly! I need to spread my tentacled cheer… and get those groceries flowing again! JOE (grinning) So you’re saying we need a holiday collaboration? A cosmic feast for everyone? HAWKEYE chuckles, nodding with enthusiasm. HAWKEYE Yes! Bring me your finest recipes and your most ridiculous ideas! We can do this! CROW (mock seriously) And remember, nothing says "festive" like tentacles in your casseroles! TOM SERVO (bursting into laughter) Giant monsters and holiday cheer combined! What a way to save Earth! HAWKEYE (pointing dramatically) Mad! Grab your holiday spirit—or whatever’s left of it! It’s time to get to work! The crew joins in, laughter echoing in the Satellite of Love, ready to embrace the absurd mission ahead. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll with clips of hilarious cooking disasters featuring HAWKEYE in his monstrous Santa outfit, with the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:07 PM earth falls in chaos but only from only for 30s day but wnt back to normal* 2:08 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is filled with a mix of excitement and nervous energy. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are seated, reviewing the aftermath of the chaotic events. JOE (smirking) So, it turns out Earth was only in chaos for... what, 30 seconds? CROW (shaking his head) What a letdown! I was hoping for a full week of giant monsters and cooking disasters! TOM SERVO (dramatically) I know! Just imagine—tentacle monsters rummaging through grocery stores, chasing after the last can of beans! JOE (chuckling) Instead, we got a quick frenzy and then... poof! Back to normal! On screen, a quick montage shows Earth returning to its usual routine—traffic, people shopping, and holiday decorations going back up. CROW (mockingly) And just like that, everything is fine! No consequences, no giant monsters, no apocalypse! TOM SERVO (sighing) Classic! Earth really knows how to recover from disasters in record time. JOE (grinning) At least we now know humanity can bounce back, even if it’s for just 30 seconds of chaos! CROW (nods) So, what’s next? A sequel? “MAS*H: Chaos Takes a Holiday!” TOM SERVO (laughing) Could you imagine? “One ill-fated Christmas party sends Earth spiraling into mild chaos!” JOE (teasingly) Featuring a special appearance by Lovecraft Claus, the cosmic Santa who delivers both gifts and existential dread! The crew erupts into laughter as they embrace the absurdity of their situation. CROW (grinning) I’d watch that! As long as we don’t have to deal with too many leftover hot sauce bottles! JOE pretends to check a list. JOE Let's keep it simple: One festive meal, a few friendly monsters, and no more global chaos, thank you! TOM SERVO (pretending to be serious) Agreed! After all, it’s hard to have holiday cheer when there’s a meatball monster at your door! The crew shares a lighthearted moment, relieved by the return to normalcy, yet still ready for whatever ridiculousness comes next. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll alongside a comedic montage of brief chaos interspersed with everyday life, all while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:08 PM earth falls in chaos but only from only for 30 day but wnt back to normal* 2:09 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is abuzz with anticipation as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, reflecting on the recent events. JOE (seriously) Alright, folks. So it turns out Earth was in chaos for just... 30 days. CROW (jaw dropped) Thirty days? That’s a solid month of pandemonium! What were people doing, trading sandwiches for toilet paper? TOM SERVO (mockingly) And don't forget the stampede for the last jar of pickles! Talk about a pickle panic! On-screen, a montage shows absurd news clips: giant food fights, people dressed as monsters, and chaotic grocery store scenes. JOE (chuckling) And just as suddenly as it began, everything went back to normal. Like a flip of a switch! CROW (leaning forward) You mean to tell me that after 30 days of chaos, everyone just went back to their boring routines? TOM SERVO (sarcastically) Ah, yes! The great “Back to Normal” initiative! Sign up now to resume your dull life! JOE (grinning) I guess humanity really can bounce back. Nothing like a little monster-induced madness to shake things up! The screen shows people returning to normal activities: walking dogs, sipping coffee, and decorating for the holidays. CROW (mocking disbelief) Yeah! Just another Tuesday where nothing happened—except, you know, the world almost ended! TOM SERVO (grinning) I can see the headlines: "30 Days of Chaos: Earth’s Peculiar Holiday Special!" JOE (enthusiastically) And it’s all over before you knew it! The ultimate “how to recover from disaster” in record time! CROW suddenly feigns concern. CROW But what if it happens again? Do we just stock up on snacks and hope for the best? TOM SERVO (nods seriously) We might need contingency plans! “In case of monster apocalypse, break glass for snacks!” JOE (laughing) All right, team! Next time we prepare for the great return to chaos, let’s include some fun survival rules! The crew shares a hearty laugh, embracing the whimsy and absurdity of the situation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over comedic clips of chaotic moments and the hilarity of everyday life, with the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:09 PM try talkingh to the mad are in the corner in fear saying is it over yet 2:10 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is lively as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO sit in their seats, reflecting on the wildness of the special. Suddenly, the screen flickers and reveals DR. FORRESTER and TV’S FRANK curled up in a corner, looking fearful. JOE (grinning) Looks like the MADS are back! How’s it going over there, guys? DR. FORRESTER (trembling) Is it over yet? We’ve been hiding here for... what feels like eternity! FRANK (shivering) All the chaos! The monsters! The food prices! I don’t think I can take much more! CROW (leaning toward the screen) Come on, Frank! It was just 30 days of weirdness! Didn’t you guys stock up on snacks? TOM SERVO (mockingly) “Survival of the fittest!” Or at least “survival of the snackingest!” DR. FORRESTER (defensive) We were too busy trying to survive! Who knew a Pop-Tart shortage could lead to existential dread? FRANK (nodding vigorously) Exactly! I thought we were going to be trapped in Lovecraft’s lunchroom forever! JOE (laughing) Well, it seems like you’ll have to take your lumps! The world is back to normal—more or less. CROW (grinning) And now you have to face the consequences! The grocery stores are stocked again! DR. FORRESTER peeks out from the corner, looking a little more confident. DR. FORRESTER (sighing) So... are there any more monsters lurking out there? TOM SERVO (leaning in) Nothing but your own neuroses, Doc! The chaos is over, and normalcy is back! FRANK (relieved) Thank goodness! We can finally go back to our regular dastardly plots... or at least try not to think about meatball monsters. JOE (smiling) Or the possibility of a sequel! “MAS*H 2: The Return of Lovecraft’s Pumpkin Spice!” The crew bursts into laughter, and DR. FORRESTER and FRANK slowly come out from their corner, looking less fearful. DR. FORRESTER (mock seriously) Fine. But if there’s another monster invasion, we’re hiding in the closet with snacks! CROW (teasingly) Only if they’re not pickles—because those will surely start another apocalypse! The crew laughs again, savoring the return to normalcy and the humor of the situation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over amusing clips of the MADS coming back to their usual antics while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:10 PM mads said to joels lave earth orbit go soem place esle the earth from now ever decmber will go mad util christmas 2:12 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love is bustling with excitement as JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO settle in, ready to debrief the events. Suddenly, the MADS appear back on screen, looking even more panicked than before. DR. FORRESTER (frantically) JOE! You need to leave Earth’s orbit immediately! FRANK (trembling) Yeah, from now on, every December is going to be madness until Christmas! JOE (surprised) What do you mean? Is it something in the atmosphere? CROW (leaning in) Is it holiday cookies? Because if it’s holiday cookies, I’m all for it! TOM SERVO (mock seriously) What’s next—eggnog that turns people into lunatics? DR. FORRESTER (seriously) No, listen! The chaos we experienced isn’t just a seasonal thing! It’s a curse! We’re trapped in a cycle of madness every December! JOE (realizing) So you’re saying we have to take the Satellite of Love and escape this December madness? FRANK (nodding) Yes! Go somewhere else! Anywhere but here! We can’t handle another round of giant monsters and cosmic horrors! CROW (joking) Are you sure? Because that sounds like the plot for our next great adventure! TOM SERVO (laughing) “MST3K: The Great Cosmic Escape—Now with 100% Less Christmas Chaos!” DR. FORRESTER (urgently) No jokes! We’re not equipped to deal with any more of this nonsense! JOE looks serious, contemplating their next move. JOE Alright! Let’s plot a course. We’ll escape December and find somewhere peaceful. CROW (exaggerating) Or at least somewhere with low food prices! Maybe even a holiday destination without the madness! FRANK (reassuringly) Just bring snacks! I can’t face another earth-shattering event without snacks. TOM SERVO (cheerful) Then let’s do this, team! Where to next, Captain Joe? JOE smiles, pressing buttons on the control panel with determination. JOE Let’s leave Earth behind for a little while. Evade the madness until January! As the ship begins to shake and the screen flickers, the crew prepares for their departure, excitement mixed with trepidation. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of the crew preparing for their escape, interspersed with humorous scenes of holiday chaos from the last month while the MST3K theme plays in the background.) 2:12 PM mst3k crew leve earth oribit for deep space 2:14 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - CONTROL ROOM - DAY The familiar setting of the Satellite of Love buzzes with excitement. JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO are in their seats, ready to embark on their unexpected journey. JOE (turning to the crew) Alright, team! We’re escaping Earth's orbit for deep space. Prepare for launch! CROW (leaning back in his seat) Is it too late to reconsider? What if we encounter more tentacle monsters? TOM SERVO (grinning) Or worse, what if we land in a dimension where every day is Christmas? JOE (enthusiastically) Sounds like a wild holiday special waiting to happen! Lights start flashing, and the ship shakes slightly as the engines roar to life. CROW (nervously) I don’t know, Joe. Shouldn’t we have snacks for this journey? I mean, deep space could get boring. TOM SERVO (teasing) Let’s not forget the cosmic horrors! They’ll want snacks too! JOE (teasing back) Not if they’re cursed pumpkin-flavored! The ship rumbles, and the view of Earth fades from the windows, replaced by the endless star field of deep space. CROW (wide-eyed) Wow, look at that! It’s beautiful! TOM SERVO (leaning closer to the window) And eerily quiet… too quiet. Where are the space monsters when you need them? Suddenly, the ship’s computer starts beeping urgently. JOE (reading the screen) Uh-oh. It seems we’ve crossed into the “No-Mad Zone.” CROW (leaning in, panicking) What’s that mean? Are we going to get stuck in an asteroid field? TOM SERVO (mocking seriousness) No, we’ll just be caught in a never-ending loop of holiday commercials! JOE laughs, trying to keep spirits high as the ship hums along. JOE Let’s hope for the best! We may even find a new planet where every day isn’t festively chaotic! CROW (grinning) Or we could discover a planet ruled by giant candy canes! TOM SERVO (eagerly) Where the rivers flow with hot cocoa! Now that sounds ideal for a holiday special! As they continue forward, the crew prepares for whatever adventure lies ahead in the vastness of deep space, laughter filling the control room. FADE OUT. END CREDITS (Credits roll over clips of the crew’s fun adventures in space, interspersed with glimpses of cosmic holiday cheer and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) 2:14 PM go on there voyage in to deep space th end 2:15 PM Assistant MST3K Cast Commentary on "A MAS*H Christmas Caper: Return of Godzilla's Son" INT. SOL SPACE - CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS The crew of the Satellite of Love, JOE, CROW, and TOM SERVO, settles in as the ship embarks on their journey into deep space. JOE (turning to the crew) Alright, team! Let’s embrace the unknown as we voyage into deep space. CROW (looking out the window) Is it weird that I feel a mix of excitement and dread? What if we run into space pirates… or worse, abandoned holiday decorations? TOM SERVO (chuckling) Just think: we might stumble upon a planet where every day is Christmas, but nobody wants to celebrate! The ship’s engines hum smoothly as they glide through the starry expanse, leaving Earth behind. JOE (grinning) Whatever awaits us out here, we’ll face it together. CROW (pointing out the window) Look at that nebula! It looks like a giant snowstorm from afar! TOM SERVO (excitedly) Or a cosmic yule log! I vote we land there and throw a space party! JOE (laughing) As long as there’s no tentacle monster ready to crash it, I’m in! The crew shares a laugh, enjoying the camaraderie that comes with being on an adventure together. CROW (smirking) So, what’s the plan when we reach our destination? A giant feast? A cosmic carol-off? TOM SERVO (with enthusiasm) An interstellar cooking competition! We’ll make holiday treats that even the cosmos would envy! JOE (nodding) Absolutely! Holidays in space could be the greatest special yet! As they continue their voyage, the camera zooms out, showing the Satellite of Love disappearing into the depths of space, stars twinkling around it. FADE OUT. THE END The journey into deep space begins, filled with laughter, adventure, and the promise of new experiences waiting to unfold. (End credits roll with a montage of the crew's playful antics in space, interspersed with silly holiday visuals and the MST3K theme playing in the background.) my god have mercy on my soul Quote
ghostrek Posted 3 hours ago Author Posted 3 hours ago (edited) @Insipid @[classic swim] spread the word Edited 3 hours ago by ghostrek Quote
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