"So-Bad-They're-Good" Movie Reviews

[GunStarHero]

I have a large collection of low budget/indie/B-movies. Several hundred and counting, in fact. It can be a slog to find truly entertaining bad films, and more often than not you find boring bad films instead. So I wanted to just make a thread where I review these kinds of films. A lot of them do suck, and some may suck so hard I won't even mention their titles, but I will post about ones of note. Everyone is free to leave reviews of their own, as well, for the same films or totally different ones. 

I'm going to use a grading scale I'll call "(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict" which is grading a movie for how entertainingly bad it is. In other words, 0/10 is the most boring piece of unwatchable ever, and 10/10 is a masterpiece crafted in the wrong direction and worthy of being seen. Additionally, I'll mention that some movies I rate highly ascend their budgets and restraints and become truly amazing films, like Riki-Oh, which I consider to be an amazing movie and not an awesomely bad one. 

 

Here are the ones I've most recently seen. Some real gems here, but also some absolute stinkers, too. 

Arena (2011) - Samuel L. Jackson and Kellan Lutz (of Generation Kill and Twilight fame) star in an inexplicably penned bro-fantasy revolving around a 1v1 deathmatch game show called...Deathgames. Nothing matters in this movie. Every character is so wishy washy you legitimately won't guess what they do next. Our protagonist, David Lord is a rugby player that also works as a firefighter and paramedic, I fucking guess. His wife is pregnant, and the two conversations they have before she dies sound like two robots programmed to mimic people with zero chemistry. Anyways, she dies in a car wreck and practically rolls out of the car and into her coffin cause David's still bleeding when he buries her. Not sure why he buried her in the first place because he literally goes to Mexico (???) and falls asleep in a bar, attacks a bouncer, and then accepts an offer for sex from a French woman who confessed he would be robbed before propositioning her sexy time adventure. David agrees because he's a fucking idiot, and we get to see the woman totally naked. I cannot stress this enough: I was so bored with seeing her nude body right away because she spends more time naked and doing fuck all than clothed and being an actual character. 

David gets kidnapped by Sam Jackson's people and he is dubbed "Deathdealer" in this most inane "say my name!" moment that the movie insists on repeating ad nasuseam. Daniel Dae Kim is also in this movie. His character is the White Samurai and he is supposed to be a Japanese man whose Japanese wife was kidnapped and he was forced to fight to save her. He and David fight and the movie thinks it's clever and I won't even tell you how it tries to be clever because it's the most predictable thing ever. This movie is fucking stupid when it comes to Asian characters. Every Asian character is Japanese, but only one of the actors is Japanese. Fuck's sake, they even have an office filled with Japanese salarymen watching the Deathgames, all complete with Japanese names, and Japanese text around them, but they all speak in Mandarin. The lone Japanese actor in the film is one of Sam Jackson's weird, fetish pets that scroll across his computer table like they're perpetually on ecstasy.  By the way, Sam Jackson's cartoony villain does actually call those women his pets and he regularly feasts on breakfast burritos while he watches them make-out on a giant swing. They also run his online show for him by cleaning the same table over and over with their hands. We see very few viewers and the ones we do see are fucking stupid. Our main audience is a group of three frat bros and two college girls that have some of the most confusing dialogue I've ever managed to comprehend in my life. Two of the guys think the show is fake, one knows it's real and they're all about as perceptive as the enema they use to squirt alcohol into their respective assholes. They inexplicably use the word "shit" openly, but refuse to use another other curse words, opting for "fricking" and "dang it" in lieu of "fuck" and "damn." Furthermore, the dude who knows it's all real has a weird shit fetish he casually mentions every time we see him and he gets off on seeing people die and no one around him seems to mind. The girls are disgusted and beg and plead for the show to be fake but once they find out it's real, they love it??? Then poopy bro is about to get a threesome but Deathgames comes on and he bids his pair of platinum pusses adieu. At this point, David is now head over heels in love with the free spirit of a nudist woman that kidnapped him because...movie. 

The actual plot is about as important to the film as it has been my review. That is to say, David agrees to fight and win 10 matches, and then face the Executioner in a fight for his freedom. The Executioner is not important. Ever. Of the 11 fights we see 2 in their entirety and the rest, including the final bout, in highlight clips. I personally thought this was a shame. As my girlfriend, who begrudgingly watched this with me, pointed out, this movie decides the training should be the focus of the film instead of the fights. So where you might see a training montage in another, competent film, and then see the full fights, this movie shows the all the training and barely any fights. And the clips were the best part, honestly! WWI America vs Germany. Construction workers with power tools. Chefs in a kitchen. DEA vs Gang members. Mad Max world. Creative stuff, shoved to the side so we could see that stupid woman's petite titties and Sam Jackson jerk off while munching on burritos again. 

 

 

Anyways, Sam Jackson tires to sabotage the final 2 matches but he fails and the Marines (???) bust his compound. But how did they find him? Oh, David Lord is a fake name. See he meant to get into a car wreck. He meant to start a family with a woman he planned to watch die. He's a secret agent Marine (???) who was sent to bust the Deathgames because their online security was "too stronk." So they sent David to kill everyone and stop the show. Which he doesn't really do in the end cause Sam Jackson escapes. David does confront Jackson and tells him it's over, to which Jackson brilliantly replies "I'll give you more money than you can ever spend! Here!" Then he throws David like $30,000. Beautiful. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 6/10 

It held my attention but the few entertaining parts were shafted by being highlights instead of the focus of the film. I want to see the fights, not him going to the hospital every 30 seconds after said fights. I couldn't look away from the bizarre character interactions and dialogue, but even if you love bad movies, skip this one. Unless you wanna see Sam Jackson giggle while eating a burrito on a silver platter while two Asian women tongue punch each other on a swing. In which case, skip to 00:47:29 and enjoy since you are obviously either Sam Jackson or Jonah Loop (the director). 

 

 

 

 

The Omega Code (1999) - A conspiracy that holy texts, such as The Bible and The Quran, contain secret codes that have shown to predict the entirety of humanity's timeline, from start to finish. Apparently so accurate, it predicted the death of Princess Diana down to the exact day and street. But how did they discover such a thing? Well some scientist in Jerusalem literally scanned in the Quran and made the text 3D. That's it. The he gets shot for his discovery by none other than Michael Ironside in a ridiculous Orthodox Jew disguise. 

Meanwhile, Johnny fuckin' Rico has dedicated his life to exposing the secret code while renouncing the holy texts themselves, all while leaping over every god damned couch he sees. Like it's fucking insane. Every time he's on screen with a sofa, he just vaults that bitch. He goes on TV to brag about how intelligent he is and how stupid The Bible, and by proxy, Christians are. 

Returning to our original plotline, Michael Orthoside brings the stolen 3D text (???) to his boss, Basil Exposition.

I guess he's the king of the UN or some bizarre shit. Whatever. Johnny Rico begs him to become the next International Man of Mystery, to which Basil declines and slinks back to his lair. Immediately after this, Basil is seen praising Rico  and asking Orthoside to invite him to the Roughnecks.

 

 

Basil welcomes Rico into his homes and begins showing Rico the code he has henceforth managed to decipher. Rico is all

 

 

And Basil is all we can discover what happens in the future with this code! To which Rico is like

 

 

And, I'll be honest here, this movie is super fucking boring. Casper Van Dien isn't trying at all here, except when it comes to yeeting over furniture with his signature flip-six-three-hole. It's a stupid movie, with a lame plot, and is so predictable you can literally see the ending coming from the beginning. Turns out the shite script was a code to decipher the future of its dumpster fire film, too! Absolutely skip this one. There's a sequel, too, but evidently it is even worse than the original Great Tribulation, indeed. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 1/10

Edited February 19, 2020 by GunStarHero

[GunStarHero]

 

The Jurassic Games (2018) - Hunger Games/Battle Royale set in a Paul Verhoeven film. That's what you can expect from Jurassic Games. A man wrongly accused of murdering his wife is forced to compete in the annual Jurassic Games, an international sensation that pits death row convicts against one another, while they fight to solve puzzles, complete challenges, and face off against prehistoric predators. Right off the bat, this movie knows what it's about. 

 

There's a bit of a slow start but once the games themselves begin, this movie is practically a masterclass in pacing. Never a dull moment while the games are on, which is almost the entire movie. The convicts are placed into a sort of VR arena and pain experienced in game is felt in real life. Death in the games results in lethal injection in real time, with the last convict standing winning their freedom. The cast was largely enjoyable, even the more bit characters like the bomber that awkwardly leaves his lunch box bomb at the park and sprints off like he has no arms and is immediately killed in the games by the first challenge, mere seconds into the event. We also have a YouTube streamer who murders men after she sleeps with them on camera, two rednecks that are so retarded one of them gets picked up by a pterodactyl and dropped onto his ass on a landmine and gets dunked out of existence, and my personal favorite: the guy who tried to fucking kung fu 3 raptors to death but dies instantly. 

 

Jurassic Games never takes itself too seriously and it works for the better. They even advertise action figures for all the murderers shown during the games, complete with a 90s-style commercial and kids playing with the toys. The plot makes zero sense and the ending is a glaring plothole, but you won't care if you enjoyed the madness leading up to it. This is honestly one of the best B-movies I have ever seen. Most of the cast seems to be having a blast, especially the games' host, who waltzes around in a 3D printed dinosaur skull helmet and taunts viewers and "terrorists" alike during the broadcast. 

We watched this one on Tubi, which is a free service and has quite the collection of trash movies. I highly recommend this one if you enjoyed movies like Robo Cop, Starship Troopers, and satire in general. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 9/10

 

 

 

 

Death Ship (1980) - In terms of poorly made films, this is one of the worst I've come across. The plot revolves around a modern day cruise ship being rammed by a German warship. Like 8 people survive the crash and discover the German ship anchored, unscathed, and unmanned. The crashing of the ships was so phoned in it never even happened. One scene we see the cruise ship drifting along in the dead of night and then we smash cut to the warship speeding along in mid-afternoon. Frantic edits and cuts hype the viewer up to see the crash that transcends timezones but ultimately we just see the inside of the cruise ship shake about and a few people scramble to their feet. Literally the next scene shows the survivors paddling along in open waters. The ships never touch. The cruise ship is never seen beyond the poorly lit footage shot at a distance because they quite clearly did some b-roll on a cruise liner from a port at night and never showed anyone on the ship outside of a ballroom, bedroom, and "wheelhouse" that is just the other side of the ballroom. 

Once the survivors board the warship, they discover no one is there. That's because it's manned by ghost Nazis. Ghost Nazis we literally never see ever. We hear disembodied voices and see random levers and doors move but that's it. Then the ghosts begin fucking with the survivors and killing them off. They drown the Jewish survivor first but don't feel too bad for him because that actor seems to be the only one that escaped this failure of film and have a successful movie career. George Kennedy plays the cruise ship's captain and he gets possessed at some point by the ship(???) or gets cabin fever? It's hard to care. He really phones it in here. I read that he made this movie right after he got flak for some racist behavior that landed him in hot water so he was struggling to find work and this is what he found. Dude does not give a fuck about this movie and it really shows. 

There's an older woman in the group and she randomly decides to eat the 40+ year old Nazi peppermint candy she finds. It melts her face and she is blessed by being allowed to exit the film. Next up, a young woman who was hired to show skin takes a shower and the water turns to blood. But like, it's just blood. She can't get the shower door open and is freaking out but is otherwise not in danger since the drain still works and the blood is flowing at a gentle rate. She passes out and ole Cap dumps her into the ocean to feed the ship blood(???) because it uses blood as fuel and it was getting low. You know, despite just pumping like 70 gallons of blood on that woman. 

The two other men in the group wander around the ship and discover a fucking Hitler fanboy club. I'm not kidding. They find a room that is painted Nazi red, and has these coy paintings of Hitler adorning the wall. It even has Nazi branded Chinese lamps in the corners and a mirrored portrait of Hitler you can gaze into, with candles flanking it. It's fuckin' wild. Our brave wanderers continue on to find a room filled with "Jew gold" in the form of teeth, which they have a hard time grasping the concept of teeth from(???) and question what they're looking at. This leads them to a projector room with propaganda films playing on repeat which drives the men insane like so fast, my guy. Like they see the film playing and they just go apeshit and attack the wall but not the projector (???). After that, one of these brave idiots bolts into the hall and runs topside and falls into a Nazi torture pool that's been built into the middle of the ship and he drowns beside dead Holocaust victims (???). Other guy gathers the other survivors, conveniently his entire family, and they try to boogie. Dude fights the mad captain and ole Cap's dumbass jams his arm into some gears and bleeds onto the ship which it accepts and drains his blood for fuel. Ok. Sure. 

Family Guy and his brood attempt to exit stage left and run into a fucking ice box filled with dead, but perfectly preserved US troops and Concentration Camp victims from WWII. They use a fucking boat that's in said room and then get saved. But then the ghosts decide to ram another ship and the movie ends.

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 2/10 

Yikes. This was pointlessly offensive and ultimately quite boring. Hated it. Nothing of merit here. They spent more time on the cover art to lure in suckers at the video rental shops than they did the movie itself. Also the Nazi ghost ship is from, like, the 70s, it's clearly a more modern ship than it wants to be. 

[GunStarHero]

 

Titanic II (2010) - Sporting some of the most hilarious cover art ever, Titanic II comes from the wonderful minds at The Asylum, famous for their Sharknado films. It was written by, directed by, and stars Shane Van Dyke, Dick Van Dyke's grandson. Surprisingly, this is not intended to be a sequel to the 1997 film, and instead focuses on the maiden voyage of the Titanic II cruise ship. 

 

 

Shortly before the ship sets its nonexistent sails, a huge chunk of ice breaks off near Greenland and creates a massive wave which kills some rando surfer dude who was there. The resulting tsunami beelines it for the Titanic II which is following the same path as the original Titanic, but in reverse. The Coast Guard sends someone to save a scientist that is stationed like 3ft away from the site of the ice breaking because a second break is happening. They save her but none of the other scientists or equipment and just shrug it off and fly their helicopter from Greenland to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean because fuck yea. The tsunami hits the ship but it acts like an iceberg hit it and begins to go down in the exact same manner the original Titanic went down. Shane Van Broheim decides to stay on board with his ex-girlfriend who is also there, I guess. Her dad, who happens to be the Coast Guard guy, calls her and tells her to stay on the ship because the second break formed a second, stronger tsunami that is moving at like 1,000 mph and is gaining power and force. Shane Van Broseidon decides they should hide in a closet and they do that because they're both fucking stupid.

The second tsunami hits, flips the ship, kills everyone that went overboard, everyone that was still on the ship, and destroys all the piss yellow, turd shaped escape pods, leaving only Shane and his favorite puss alive. Only now, they are upside down, stuck in a metal closet (???) and the doors is jammed. But it's all good cause ex-girlfriend's dad is coming and he has GPS on that ho so he's heading down to save her. Conveniently, the closet has one wetsuit and airtank on hand and the water has yet to penetrate the mighty door so there's time for the girl to put on all the gear and save herself. Shane then makes a speech about always loving her and not to worry because, and I shit you not, he tells her if he "dies fast enough" then they can "revive (him)." Then he dies.

Ex girlfriend brings his body with her and surprise surprise he's still dead and can't be revived. Also the helicopter pilot keeps saying they don't have any fuel and he flies from Greenland to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and then back to New York no problem. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 5/10

They tried to combine the Poseidon Adventures with the Titanic and disaster movies, and while it was better than I expected it to be, it was still fucking stupid. However, it is so god damned stupid and scientifically inaccurate, it almost makes it worth a watch. Almost. Every cliche in the book is on full display here, but I think it's fun enough to get some laughs here and there. At least they built a few different sets unlike Death Ship. You can do a lot better and worse than this, so unfortunately it's a pass. 

Edited February 19, 2020 by GunStarHero

[Lytbryt]

Neil Breen plz

[GunStarHero]

 

Oblivion (1994) - Set 1,000 years in the future where we literally just reverted to an 1800s, Western American cowboy civilization with laser guns, our story begins in the humble town of Oblivion. Some weird scaly motherfucker on some Ben Stein shit, named Red Eye, invokes a duel with the town's sheriff. Red Eye cheats, using a rare substance that disables technology, and kills the sheriff and takes over the town.

Red Eye brings with him a bizarre posse:

-Sindel from Mortal Kombat Annihilation

-A square-faced simpleton in a Davy Crockett hat named fucking Bork

-Spanner, a bandito with an interest in voyeurism

-The flamboyant matador, Wormhole, who, instead of calling people "bitches" or "gay" he opts to call them Nebula Boys 

Together they take over the town, I fucking guess, and terrorize the inhabitants. Elsewhere an Indian with a scorpion sting fetish patiently waits for his next hit when the deceased sheriff's estranged son appears and "saves" him. They bicker and then instantly become BFFs and make a campfire to wait for more giant scorpions to come sting them.  Out of literally nowhere, Lurch from The Addams Family appears and says "s'up dudes? Sheriff's dead" and they travel back to Oblivion to fight Red Eye's gang. And fail because the sheriff's son, Zack Stone, is a super saiyan bitch and feels pain. Then the Indian guy buys a space frog and uses it to kill the voyeur bandito over a game of arm wrestling. 

Uh, George Takei is in this movie, too. He just kinda gets drunk and blurts out Star Trek quotes. It's kinda cringey. But that's ok because Lurch is hilarious and literally the best part of the movie.

 

Also George wants to fuck this robot cop, like so bad.

 

Anyways, Wormhole is all like, that bitch Zack Stone won't hurt anyone! He feels pain! Then Wormhole gets shot to death by Zack. This prompts Sindel and Bork to boogie on out of town and Red Eye is like fuck let's 1v1 in the scorpion pit. 

 

So Zack and Red Eye 1v1 in the scorpion pit and the movie ends on a cliffhanger and Oblivion 2 is so fucking bad and I hate every part of it's weird, Willy Wonka the majestic assassin bullshit.

 

Isaac Hayes is in this movie, too. He runs like a bar that a gang of midgets and some guy with no legs frequent. His character stutters a lot and counts hub caps. Fuckin' stupid. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict:

Oblivion - 6/10 

Worth a watch for Lurch alone. A bizarre fever pitch dream of a movie that kinda works? 

Oblivion 2: Backlash - 2/10 

Absolute dumpster fire. Boring as fuck. Decides to drop the action and plot from the first film and focus on characters sitting around various tables talking about what they should be doing and never shows them doing any of it.  

Edited February 20, 2020 by GunStarHero

[GunStarHero]

18 minutes ago, Lytbryt said:

Neil Breen plz

Working my way towards him. He lives in the same area as me, so I'll be happy to review his stuff. 

[Seight]

If you're taking requests, I kind of like Rollerball (2002) in a way.*

*That way being "what if Raul Julia but it was Paul Heyman instead?"

[GunStarHero]

12 minutes ago, Seight said:

If you're taking requests, I kind of like Rollerball (2002) in a way.*

*That way being "what if Raul Julia but it was Paul Heyman instead?"

I'll look into it. 

[Mix]

That Kellan Lutz guy has become my canary in the coal mine for terrible movies. Which is really messing with me now 'cause Sam Jackson, y'know. 

I may given Arena a shot

[GunStarHero]

4 minutes ago, Mix said:

That Kellan Lutz guy has become my canary in the coal mine for terrible movies. Which is really messing with me now 'cause Sam Jackson, y'know. 

I may given Arena a shot

It's a bizarre movie, man. A little above average for bad movies so its watchable, but the whole thing is so fucking oddly assembled. 

[Mix]

5 minutes ago, GunStarHero said:

It's a bizarre movie, man. A little above average for bad movies so its watchable, but the whole thing is so fucking oddly assembled. 

Have you seen Idle Hands?

I don't even consider it a bad movie tbh, but people often disagree 

[GunStarHero]

1 minute ago, Mix said:

Have you seen Idle Hands?

I don't even consider it a bad movie tbh, but people often disagree 

Saw it when it was new, but not since. Would need to watch it again for a fresh perspective. If you dont think it's bad, what would you consider it? 

[Mix]

10 minutes ago, GunStarHero said:

Saw it when it was new, but not since. Would need to watch it again for a fresh perspective. If you dont think it's bad, what would you consider it? 

I mean I thought it was good. I re-watched it as an adult and it was less good, but still decent. Then I re-watched it high and it really came together.

averaging these scores I'd give it a....Pretty Chill......on the Mix scale 

[Lytbryt]

3 hours ago, Mix said:

That Kellan Lutz guy has become my canary in the coal mine for terrible movies. Which is really messing with me now 'cause Sam Jackson, y'know. 

I may given Arena a shot

Check out Southland Tales its Richard Kellys sophmore effort and is pretty awful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VYrPBVxCNw

 

Edited February 20, 2020 by Lytbryt

[Mix]

27 minutes ago, Lytbryt said:

Check out Southland Tales its Richard Kellys sophmore effort and is pretty awful

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VYrPBVxCNw

 

If the Rock has hair, you can be sure it's a terrible movie

[Mix]

 

Apparently this movie is supposed to rival The Room 

[GunStarHero]

 

Gymkata (1985) - A gymnast is recruited by (absolutely not the CIA) SIA to travel to Parmesanstan to compete in THE GAME. We assume this is because his father was killed playing said THE GAME, but evidently the not CIA wants a gymnast to learn martial arts because that is how the 1980s worked. Get lit, get fit, son. 

It seems that THE GAME has not been won by an outsider in 900 years, and I kinda doubt that country has even existed for so long in the first place, but sure, whatever. The rules are simple! Somehow manage to enter the dangerous and isolated country, then tell the king you want to play THE GAME. If you lose or refuse to play, you die. If you win, you may leave with your life and get "one request." Not a wish. Not a guarantee. Just a request. Give something a shot, I fucking guess. 

To assist in the preparations for his mission, a random Asian sensei is brought in to help him learn how to climb stairs with only his hands, a gentle giant yeets him about, and the Parmesanstanianese princess attempts to stab him while he flips around like a fucking jackass and pretends to be both himself and her (it's fucking bizarre).

I guess that goes as planned so he is sent to some random Slavic nation that's main export is hairy, inept martial artists and Adidas knockoffs. Our hero, Jonathan, is joined in his journey by the Chicken Parm Princess and 2 SIA agents. As soon as they arrive in the nation of cyka bylat bois, they visit a marketplace and are attacked. A natural born hero, Jonathan fucking bolts and leaves everyone else behind. No shocker here, but the 2 agents are killed like instantly and the Princess leaves the movie for a moment. Also a cop shoots one of the attackers. I mention this because that never fucking happens, so kudos to those cops.

Oh jeez, looks like half the film has passed and fucking nothing is happening except some dudes in a warehouse pretending to mine giant mountains made of cyka salt. Good heavens, betrayal! Who gives a shit, time for a kayaking scene, since this is the only legally recognized method of entry into Parm Palace. 

Jonathan uses his new found martial arts training and his latent sexual prowess as a gymnast to fight like 10...sorta ninjas? They're liked dressed in ninja gi but are wearing fez caps. Anyways, Johnny boy loses but he was totes supposed to cause those were guardians of the lone creek in Parm Parking Lot. We smash cut to this haunting woman cleaning Jonathan's dick probably, which he allows, sure. Australian Conan the Swolebarian arrives to inform Jonathan the princess is safe and they will all meet the king tomorrow. 

Turns out the king is one of the apes from the old Planet of the Apes films, except slightly less hairy, and while he looks a bit Slavic, his daughter is clearly from the Philippines. That's fine, I guess. It's like an even tinier Mel Brooks snagged a Filipino child and convinced her he was her dad. Really fucking jarring. 

We sort of meet the other competitors in THE GAME, but that matters for fuck all. Some dude shows up late to compete in the coming THE GAME. He's a Chad Leviathan motherfucker named Thorg that wears a vest he bought on fucking Venus. 

We see 3 prisoners in chains presented to the crowd.

They will play THE GAME. 

The all lose THE GAME (and I suppose in a way, we all have, too).

By the way, they show the participants of the actual THE GAME this pathetic display in an effort to show them how to play. They also totally knock some poor dude's dick in the dirt with their horses, and I don't think that was in the script. 

Cool, now we can finally begin the fucking movie. 

THE GAME is a shitty obstacle course through rural Georgia (USA) with like 4 actual obstacles:

1.) A corn field you can run straight through.

2.) A sheer cliff side with ropes you can climb straight up

3.) A tiny canyon you can climb straight across

4.) A town full of insane motherfuckers that the government dumped to forget their failures

Other than that, you just need to run back afterwards. Worried about getting lost? Don't be! ISIS members dot the landscape with flags to show you the way! Literally the perfect plan! Getting lost means there is no way to find your way back in the harsh wilderness of Senoia, GA unless you randomly find a tree terrorist. Fuck yea! 

These guys are easily the best fucking parts of the entire experience, IMO. They take the job very seriously for about 5 seconds and then just listlessly drop their arms and shoulders and slump in place as people pass by. 

Pretty much everyone is dead by the time we hit Crazy Town except Thorg of house K-Mart and our feathered and lethal hero, Jonathan. The town is populated by the mentally deranged afterthoughts of Parmacandcheesestan, such a shame they all wound up like that after recording "Butterfly."

Probably the most interesting portion of the film, if only because of how stupid it all is. There's someone hissing like a cat. Another person charges Jonathan, misses, then screams and cuts off his own hand because he cray cray, see? Can't forget Serj Tankian's cameo as the priest who appears normal from the front but is riding bareass to the wind from the trunk.

Or this dude who put on a fake face on the back of his head and then got bitch kicked on his front and back jaws. Thorg also dies in a pig fuck shack. Press F to give a shit.

Meanwhile the king of baked, breaded chicken and marinara incites a riot alongside the princess. Guess that works out. 

Then we reach the pinnacle of cinema, and Jonathan finds himself surrounded by the insane members of Crazy Town, but luck is on his side! There's a fucking pommel horse right beside him! Perfect for the deadly fart of Gymkata! Enjoy this gif! Or don't! 

So that doesn't really pan out and there are just too many members in Crazy Town, so ole Johnny boy bolts into an alley way. And deus ex papa saves him! Hooray! His father actually survived THE GAME but was being held as a political prisoner and made to be a member of Fozzie Bear ISIS. 

Then he dies. 

Australian Conan killed him with an arrow, so now Jonathan decides to run again, as is tradition. He jumps a "gorge" and only upside down Conan follows him. They kung fu fuck around and Conan winds up dying behind the vacant lot that was once a proud Radio Shack in bumfuck nowhere Georgia. 

Jonathan rides back into town, alongside his father who didn't actually die? The fuck? I don't care enough to care. 

Our hero is reunited with the princess of Olive Garden lunch specials and the movie decides now is a good time to tell us the government installed the first satellite monitoring station in 1985. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 7/10

This film is like watching a train wreck that, in some ways, you know you caused by proxy, and that fact rests easily in your very mortal coil. Definitely won't be bored watching this crowning achievement of Parmacandfriessupersizedstan's film industry. I would like to point out, though, that the cover art never happens. We are never in a giant red room nor do actual ninjas, with ninja weaponry nor MP40s left over from the Third Reich, appear anywhere in the movie. 

Edited March 13, 2020 by GunStarHero

[GunStarHero]

 

Orcs Wars/Dragonfyre (2013) - A former special forces member purchases a farm and the surrounding land only to find that it's actually the home of the sentinel that protects the world from the orc portal two blocks down. 

This film has multiple titles and was funded through a succesful Kickstarter campaign and I'd like to thank @Poof for showing this to me. 

You can 100% ignore all the boxart you see for this one because it was all done up to sell the movie, but honestly it doesn't need the help. The premise is absolutely enthralling. Shortly after buying his new ranch, the spec ops sexy man John Norton meets an elven princess while she is fleeing from orcs that chased her through the fucking orc portal down the road.

John ain't no punk bitch so he pulls out his gun and shoots them. Seeing a contemporary, rugged American soldier bro bust caps in armor-clad orcs is a thing of beauty. Speaking of the orcs, these motherfuckers look like someone raided Peter Jackson's garage and stole all of his prototype LotR orc costumes. 

 

Elsewhere, we are introduced to three good ole boys havin' a swampbilly festival in the local patch of trees. Two of them die, and the third, Scooter, escapes. He won't be important later. 

 

John doesn't want to be the hero, but we don't give a fuck what you want, John. Now the orcs, they want the princess as a sacrifice to their white witch of the Utah wasteland or some shit. They initially send over smaller scouting parties, including one with this uruk hai looking motherfucker that is clearly in charge. 

Uruk hai bro gets captured after he and his boys try and fail to raid ole stand-your-ground country boy's fuck cabin. 

 

Then, in a masterstroke by our hero, the captured orc is tied to a chair and interrogated via constant, perfectly timed tasers to the neck. 

More bullshit with the orcs and the patron saint of the coronavirus. Who cares. Uruk hai bro escapes.

There's a blind Indian swordsman named Whitefeather. He "guides" John by telling him to shoot the god damned orcs you dumb hillbilly buttfuck.

 

Now the orcs are furious and running out of time to complete the ritual, so they send one baby catapult and a small army of orcs to attack. Whitefeather, being blind, opts to drive the armored truck they found in one of the barns. This makes sense. Scooter is there, too, on the machine gun, and then dying. But John and spirit guide katana man are both fine.

There is also a weird bit where a random SUV pulls up and it turns out to be the real estate agent. Her cars gets destroyed by the orcs catapult so she gets mad and goes full FPS Doug of these fuckers with a .50 cal sniper rifle they had sitting around. Then she dies anyways and the elf is captured. Uruk hai bro tries to lead a revolt because now he has a gun, but is lightly shoved off of a small hill and gets big boo boos. 

Whitefeather charges through the portal after the orcs and holds them off until John arrives at the exact moment Whitefeather dies. 

In a particularly disjointed final fight scene, John and the mistress of the piss palace do battle, but John is losing, oh no! 

But never fear because Uruk hai bro emerges with his pistol and throws it to our heroes who then bust the bitch of the bowels in the face and she super dies and all is well. The surviving orcs and totally bros now and John probably fucked that elf but then goes back to his destroyed cabin instead of staying in her sweet ass castle. What a fucking tool. 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 7/10 It's painfully obvious the sheer scale this film's script begged for, but for such a tiny budget, it turned out fine. While it does feel quite empty because of budget constraints, I had fun with this one. The concept of medieval orcs versus machine guns and tanks by itself is incredible to behold. Great fun to be had. I guess there was a fucking dragon too but that didn't matter which is even better. 

[Mix]

your breakdown was so much more entertaining than the real thing....I wish I read it before I tried to watch it

All I read was "GYMKATA!" and I thought that sounded familiar (turns out it's Ken Block's drifting series), so I checked out the trailer....gymnastics and karate, what could go wrong....went right to the movie, couldn't even finish it....it was so bad, I watched Raging Bull as a palate cleanser

How do you get through these?

 

[GunStarHero]

18 hours ago, Mix said:

your breakdown was so much more entertaining than the real thing....I wish I read it before I tried to watch it

All I read was "GYMKATA!" and I thought that sounded familiar (turns out it's Ken Block's drifting series), so I checked out the trailer....gymnastics and karate, what could go wrong....went right to the movie, couldn't even finish it....it was so bad, I watched Raging Bull as a palate cleanser

How do you get through these?

 

It's 100% an acquired taste. Something like Gymkata is a blessing for me because of the typical quality of its ilk. There are so many movies that are boring bad that you'll never hear about because anyone that ever saw them forgot about them while they were watching. 

I have around 300 of these kinds of movies in my personal collection and I can assure you most of them fall under "boring bad." Just aggravatingly slow paced films with a meandering plot and wooden or otherwise unlikable characters. 

As for my write ups, I want you to have fun reading them. Be it fun from my description of the movie or fun from my ripping it apart. Gymkata is fucking bizarre and its insanity kept me going, but it's no Jurassic Games or Riki O. 

Edited March 15, 2020 by GunStarHero

[Mix]

1 hour ago, GunStarHero said:

It's 100% an acquired taste. Something like Gymkata is a blessing for me because of the typical quality of its ilk. There are so many movies that are boring bad that you'll never hear about because anyone that ever saw them forgot about them while they were watching. 

I have around 300 of these kinds of movies in my personal collection and I can assure you most of them fall under "boring bad." Just aggravatingly slow paced films with a meandering plot and wooden or otherwise unlikable characters. 

As for my write ups, I want you to have fun reading them. Be it fun from my description of the movie or fun from my ripping it apart. Gymkata is fucking bizarre and its insanity kept me going, but it's no Jurassic Games or Riki O. 

I don't even know if i've ever seen someone intentionally make movies like Riki O or The Room....good bad movies are rare happy accidents 

 

[Seight]

I have to tell you A) This reads like if Seanbaby wrote movie reviews and B) That is the highest level of praise I can give.

Edited March 15, 2020 by Seight

[GunStarHero]

2 hours ago, Mix said:

I don't even know if i've ever seen someone intentionally make movies like Riki O or The Room....good bad movies are rare happy accidents 

 

Precious few exist. And most are the trash the sought to subvert. 

[GunStarHero]

1 hour ago, Seight said:

I have to tell you A) This reads like if Seanbaby wrote movie reviews and B) That is the highest level of praise I can give.

That is a mighty high compliment! I used to love reading his stuff in EGM and on 1up. 

[GunStarHero]

 

Starcrash (1978) - This is Absolutely not Star Wars: A New Hope (1977). 

 

Some ship full of stupid fucking idiots get too close to a planet that emits radio waves that turn you insane. That's important, I'm sure. A hot chick and her partner, that i swore was a fucking living, male real doll, are being chased by the Space Police. This was a high priority task so only the finest, aka '70s Lex Luthor and Foghorn Leghorn's soul trapped in a robot, were sent.

 

The vindictive spirits of Saturday Morning Cartoons captures their prey and send them to separate space prisons. Male Protagonist is not important, so we instead follow Hot Girl, whom is imprisoned on a mining planet. I think. The entire scene lasts about 1 minute and shows the prisoners dumping radioactive spheres into a hole, then a limp dick prison riot happens and we fuck off out of there. Pretty sure this scene was an excuse to get out leading lady into a skimpy outfit--er prison uniform. 

 

 

Literally right after escaping Space Pachinko, our bad bitch is confronted by the very Space Police that initially captured her. Turns out the Lizard Men that rule the galaxy "canceled" her prison sentence so she could help them find that spaceship of stupid fucking idiots from the beginning. Oh, I guess they go fetch Male Lead, who was imprisoned in a tube in the floor. Seemed bummed to be let go. Tough break, there's always FUBU. 

Now that our dream team has finally been assembled, we can progress to the fucking plot of Absolutely Not Star Wars: A New Hope. Turns out some hero that did nothing wrong is planning to blow up the galaxy with his Death...Hand? Death Hand. It's the fucking Death Star shaped like a robot hand. The heroes must find this deadly weapon and stop...Count Zarth. *sigh* Absolutely Not Star Wars: A New Hope. Zarth looks like he's a lot more entertaining than he actually is. 

 

The first location they search is the planet Jason and the Argonauts was filmed on. Robot Yeehaw Foghorn gets fuckin' blasted by Amazonians and Bad Bitch is taken to their leader, Badder Bitch. Turns out the feral lesbians are in cahoots with Zarth and also Android Leghorn survived! Thank fuck! And he saves the titties from the other titties! 

 

 

Queen ProtoDyke summons a mech to stop our heroes, but luckily the mechanical beast is bested by talks of feelings and nail painting.

Sadly, we leave the planet of the Celestialbians and land on Not Hoth. Another dead end! But oh, no, the first known robo-simp and Boss Babe are trapped in the snow! They'll never make it back to the ship in time! I fucking guess! So they do the reasonable thing and sleep out in the open during a snowstorm. The plan is that the battle bot will survive and take the probably dead chick back into the ship to be brought back to life. Okay. Sure. 

 

BUT OH NO WHAT'S THAT!? BETRAYAL!? Turns out Lex Lu-Thor works for Zarth and he just 86'd Interesting, Totally Developed, Male Lead. 

Somehow the snow angel plan works and also Male Lead not only survived but has decided he can now, Force-bly, wield light energy. They defeat Bad Traitor Man and fuck off to the third destination: the crazy radio wave planet. 

 

Though the radio waves initially disorient our heroes, Male Lead decides he can now navigate through them and safely lands on the planet's surface. What a fuckin'g hunk, bro. MLM Diamond Level Boss Bitch teams up yet again with Fogclog Legfuck Bot and they are immediately attacked by fucking cavemen. 

 

The cavemen go ape shit on the humble, plantation-owning robot and rip him to shreds. Those essential oils do nothing to quell the ambush, but luckily, uh, David-fucking-Hasselhoff shows up in a golden mask, shooting god damned lasers out of his eyes. 

 

He fends off the attack, but only for a moment because now the Deus Ex Mask is out of Convenient Savior Juice. Thank fuck they're saved at the last moment but Male Lead. All subtly is dead and he goes full on Jedi Master Aspergers, wielding a saber of light, not to be confused with a light of saber from a Star of Wars. Understandably, the cavemen deuce the fuck out cause Mary Sue is here. 

 

Apparently the crazy radio waves spouting Pro Lizard People propaganda that was turning everyone crazy was the secret weapon, and totally not the Death Hand...thing. Our band of fuckwits descend into the planet to destroy the weapon once and for all. Zarth has wisely left a whole two fucking erector set robot assassins to defend his literal god mode weapon. Master Asperger is literally using force powers now, and I'm not sure it fucking matters because he dies like right off the bat and Prince HasselMeinHoff picks up his...saber of light, and finished the job. 

 

Not to be outdone, Zarth tells everyone he will be blowing up his weapon to kill them all, instead of, you know, quietly just doing that. Lord Emperor Lizard man arrives with some troops only to learn that the whole planet is about to fuckin' bounce. So, and I am not making this part up, he calls his ship and tells them to stop time for 3 minutes so they can escape. And that works. Fuck me, it was so simple all along. 

NOW WE MUST RIDE TO WAR!
RIDE NOW, RIDE NOW, RIDE! RIDE FOR RUIN AND THE WORLD's ENDING!

 

But not really. 

 

 

They head off towards that suspiciously hand-shaped spaceship. 

 

There's a fight. I guess. It's fucking stupid. The good guys launch themselves inside these pods into the 36th chamber hand through the windows. You know, with open, exposed space behind them. No worries. They get shot to death anyways. Zarth is absofuckinglutely winning, but it turns out Dr. Gero's own Southern Bell FuckBot survived the cavemen(??) and was rebuilt to help a Boss Babe make some cash from home one last time. So the duo crashes a giant ship called "The City," which was there and empty apparently, into the Dim Mak hand, but not before yeeting out the window, into space, and SWIMMING THROUGH SPACE back into their ship before the explosion. 

 

(So-Bad-It's-Good) Reverse Verdict - 5/10 I mean, I was able to finish the movie. So it's got that going for it. It's a weird, low budget sci-fi film that clearly "borrows"/fucking steals from Star Wars and other films before it. But it's not so terrible. Hard to recommend, regardless. 

[CorbeauKarasu]

I was gonna say "Alien vs Predator", but it seems I'm out of my depth here

[HardcoreHunter]

Freaked 1993 

I actually thought this movie was amazing when I was little. Now I just like it in how fucking bizarre it was. I was like 5 years old when I first saw this, and I don't know how I saw it as many times as I did, because apparently it's hard as hell to find. It had a budget of 13 million and only made $29k. Unlike Freddy got Fingered which is a film that I think was ahead of it's time in humor. This film is just weird no matter what time you're in. The humor is just absurdist. Like one character played by Bobcat Goldthwait is a guy with a sock puppet for a head. Though during one of his acts his sock falls off and we find out the truth. That he has a hand for a head, and the audience just boos him off the stage and feel cheated. Like having a hand for a head isn't impressive but a sock is. The makeup and puppet fx are also great. Everyone seems to be giving it their all. Randy Quaid who plays the ring master especially goes full over the top in his performance. What really surprised me was that not many people knew about this movie, and those who did said it sucked. 

[Nytlyt]

11 hours ago, HardcoreHunter said:

Freaked 1993 

I actually thought this movie was amazing when I was little. Now I just like it in how fucking bizarre it was. I was like 5 years old when I first saw this, and I don't know how I saw it as many times as I did, because apparently it's hard as hell to find. It had a budget of 13 million and only made $29k. Unlike Freddy got Fingered which is a film that I think was ahead of it's time in humor. This film is just weird no matter what time you're in. The humor is just absurdist. Like one character played by Bobcat Goldthwait is a guy with a sock puppet for a head. Though during one of his acts his sock falls off and we find out the truth. That he has a hand for a head, and the audience just boos him off the stage and feel cheated. Like having a hand for a head isn't impressive but a sock is. The makeup and puppet fx are also great. Everyone seems to be giving it their all. Randy Quaid who plays the ring master especially goes full over the top in his performance. What really surprised me was that not many people knew about this movie, and those who did said it sucked. 

Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible, thirteen... is silly!

 

[HardcoreHunter]

3 hours ago, TrylSyz said:

Twelve milkmen is theoretically possible, thirteen... is silly!

I think this movie really formed a lot of my sense of humor as a child. Also something that they didn't bring up in that video. Is that the part where the one dwarf stunt man is busting through the glass on the doors. The last take they did he actually cut himself really bad and almost died. The fake glass cut his wrist hit an artery and he had to get rushed to the hospital.