Blackrose321

Today is my birthday. All I can seem to think about are the tremendous losses I've endured over the last 5 years. I was sitting in our spare room, surrounded by unpacked boxes, when something caught my eye - the last gift my little brother ever gave me, a Cozmo Robot. I'm charging it but I'm not sure what to do with it other than sit and cry.

I'm struggling to pick up the pieces after what happened. I know he was "just a dog" but he was my third loss since 2019, the first two being immediate family members. It's left me wondering what the point is when everything feels like it's actively slipping away from me. I feel deflated and my career status isn't helping. I tried to explain my feelings to my friend but she's dismissive. She tells me to "quit and get another job" as if I can just go down to the job store and pick one up. I feel frozen because I've always worked to improve my circumstances, I've always put in the time and effort, but after 12 years of this post-graduation, something clearly isn't working...so now I'm afraid to make another misstep that'll cost me even more time...

I had to put one of my dogs to sleep yesterday. It was so sudden. I don't know what to do with myself. He was only 10.

I can't tell if I'm overreacting to something that commonly happens to everyone or if I'm really experiencing this more than average, whatever the average even is. After years of isolation, I'm trying to be more social, so when I go to the gym, I talk with people. Yesterday, the conversation went something like this: Anne: *shows picture* This is my daughter. Look at her curly hair! Me: Aww, so cute! I wish my hair was a little more interesting— Beth: No, you don't. Me: —mine just falls flat. My mother-in-law tried to curl my hair once... By this point, both women had already turned to their phones and begun to ignore me. I was literally just talking to myself, so I stopped. I mentioned my husband later, and they were all like, "Oh my God, you have a husband? We didn't know that!" You didn't know because when one or two people insist on being the center of attention, everyone else gets left out... It happens at work, too. I'm a PM, so I try to hop in. I should be able to hop in, but sometimes it's just impossible. People talk over me, and I feel stupid. It used to happen at the library all the time. It was a 100% woman-run library, so cliques formed, and I, as per usual, got left out. I was targeted for three years, and one of their favorite pastimes was pretending I didn't exist. My mother-in-law is similar. When she does ask about me, she moves on quickly as if she's checked off a task, or she uses what I've just said to talk about herself. We somehow started talking about jaw pain—I think I wasn't feeling well—because my jaw has been in horrible condition for a long time now, at least since 2020. I clench all the time, even during the day. It's a long story... Anyway, she uses my pain to launch into a story about how she has jaw pain too. And I'm like, "Lady, I literally have a 24/7/365 disorder that my insurance won't cover. Your brand new, as-of-this-conversation problem doesn't compare to four years of being in so much pain you burst into tears." I'm invisible... Maybe I should just go back to keeping to myself.

I used to have terrible phone anxiety, and I still had it when I began working as a librarian. I worked more hours on reference than any of the other librarians because they were catty assholes so I had to get over that pretty fast. It was painful...I feel for you...

I want a fucking raise. I wasn't offered that high of an hourly rate to begin with, the fee for my services has just been raised by 22.22%, I haven't gotten a single penny more since 2022, and these people are driving me up a goddamn wall.

What weirdos. Did you know that the peace symbol is also offensive to them? Had no idea until my MiL was horrified at the idea of buying a mug with the "upside down broken cross" on it. I was like... I'm pretty sure that's the symbol for peace and it has its own history but sure, add that to the list of things you've stolen...

Yeah, I'm sure that was a typo. Can you report the listing? Not that I expect anyone to do anything but that shit is infuriating.

There goes another "friend" over political bullshit. He constantly posts on Facebook because he retired early in life (insert snark about how "that must be nice"). He leans left and clearly enjoys political debate because, usually, he dominates. He's got a decent education, so he usually knows what he's saying, and I usually agree with him. He always seemed so level-headed, which I respected. Then today, he swung, and oh did he miss. He decided to lecture people on not severing ties over political opinion, apparently because he hangs out with a lot of Republicans. He feels defensive about it and protective of his friends. He wanted a pat on the back. Instead, I and several others pointed out that voting someone into office because of, or in spite of, their bigotry has the same impact in the end. His friends know that civil rights protections will get rolled back, that it's already started, and they're okay with it. They certainly aren't concerned enough to do something about it. As Dr. Kendi said, you can't be "neutral" on racism. I mean, how can you be "neutral" on whether all humans deserve to be free and treated with respect...what are you on the fence about? It's not going to matter to Trump's victims that you (claim you) aren't a racist. At the end of the day, those people are still being victimized by someone you put into power. Imagine voting for Hitler and then saying you didn't vote specifically for his race politics, you just thought he had leadership ability...a horrific number of people still died either fucking way! He didn't handle the criticism well. He isn't used to being stumped. He stewed for hours, I mean for a good 4+ hours. Then he logs back in, deletes everything he didn't like, thereby removing all context, and tells me that I seem to think I know his friends better—didn't say that, I merely pointed out the problematic nature of writing off your friends as "brainwashed" to absolve them of guilt and responsibility—and that since I think he's a Nazi (never said that either), am I going to kill him? You know, there are places...like Germany...where sharing overlapping beliefs with Nazis isn't just a "political opinion," it's basically a crime. We only validate this shit in the US because everyone's feelings are valid now, even if those feelings are "POC are criminals" or "trans people deserve to die." It didn't even hit me until afterward that of course it's a retired straight white American male who thinks his dinner parties are more important. Nothing about his life will change either way. He doesn't want people to point out the very real impact his friends have on the lives of others, he doesn't want to have to face what they've done and are planning on doing. He wanted us to assuage his guilt so he could go on enjoying dinner parties without complication, without the anxiety he obviously feels. Also, it's outrageous that I'm supposed to give a shit about his shitty friends. Yeah, shitty friends, I didn't say it before but now that I see the way he acts, I'll say it now—they're shitty rich white people who live in a shitty rich white bubble of a town. If you have to preemptively defend being BFFs with the local RNC chapter, you damn well know what they're doing is wrong, and you're just playing activist on Facebook. I'm not about that fake shit. Don't post if you can't handle the roast. (ETA: Be friends with whoever you want but don't expect anyone else to love them as much as you do. I have to cope with my bigoted in-laws every day but I'm sure as shit not going to go to bat for them on this, they're adults, they can speak for themselves and their own choices.)

I feel like I'm being left to carry a lot by myself and maybe I need to change jobs again. I'm so tired of this and I'm not sure what to do next. The job I have isn't awful, but I'm continually disappointed in my team. I work with my friend who assured me she'd be able to handle my being her "boss", but she's too comfortable with blowing me off. She doesn't read emails or reply to messages. She's late about half the time, and she doesn't look at the PM software to see what she has to do, how, or when. I'm continually saying, "That's in the PM software..." because she doesn't read anything. Meanwhile, the other teammate I manage turns his invoices in late. By design. I've never heard of someone billing for a project after it's 100% complete. How do you track the budget that way? How can I track the budget that way? I have no way of knowing when we're 50% through let alone over budget... Speaking of which, we're so far over budget on the Project From Hell that continuing to work on it makes me sick. When I bring up how out of scope we are (this project should have been done 3+ months ago), no one takes me seriously. My friend is even a bit dismissive. I've added tasks to my list that aren't expressly mine to do and haven't received a penny more for my effort since I started 2 years ago. Why did I think I could make any real changes here? This isn't the first time I've tried to utilize my skills and expertise to help people who can't be helped, I really need to cut that shit out.

I've been on psych meds for years, largely due to depression and anxiety, and then later PTSD. It's been so hard to get out of the hole I'd been shoved into. But I've done it, I'm finally actually getting better - I'm going to the gym, eating healthy, drinking water, and abstaining from alcohol. I'm now cleared to just...exist...without meds. I'm so happy I could burst.

I love that my neighbor is setting off progressively louder and bigger fireworks right underneath my window. What could go wrong setting off huge ass fireworks in the middle of a residential area packed tight af?

Flies, why are there so many flies, please someone tell me how to kill all the flies. Every time one blows past my head while I'm making dinner I want to rage out like I'm Rachael Leigh-Cook.

I'm not angry but I feel like, because I posted about this situation 3 weeks ago, I just have to continue the saga. After more feedback that our house requires "too much work", we got feedback from a local realtor who advised us to lower the price due to, as expected, the interior not being pretty enough. He felt that buyers wouldn't care about being able to do it on their own, their own way, within their set budget so we either do it, and adjust the price - leaving those buyers out anyways - or just lower the price. Whatever, lower the price, let's get this show on the road. So this guy I wrote about above reaches out again through his realtor today. The house is now priced for exactly what he asked for but he has his realtor reiterate that his client "really doesn't like the inspection" but he again refuses to elaborate. He adds that his client "doesn't like solar panels" and then asks if we will lower the price by an additional $40k! We just told our realtor to let his realtor know that we will not sell to him under any circumstances. We already have an offer - believe it or not, higher than listing, I'm so confused - and even if he countered with a higher offer, we'd still pass. There is no way a guy like that can close quickly or efficiently and any amount over would be pissed away in demands and lengthy proceedings. I'd rather he just like...stop calling us altogether...

We'll be going to a big family gathering. We haven't gone in a long time, probably at least 5 years. I'm trying to prep myself for ignoring the inevitable political commentary because I know it's going to be bad...but I think I can disassociate my way out of it. Yay for unhealthy coping mechanisms! My husband, on the other hand, is normal so he'll have to keep his BP down...

I have a badass wine-colored Christmas tree that someone bought from a display at Macy's 30 years ago. I like it so I leave it up however long I feel like...no shame!

Snapdragon Beef Pho That's about all my energy level could handle "cooking" this evening by the time I was done making dinner for my husband. He's been so incredible through everything that I didn't want to punk out and not make him something. But now I think I am ready for bed...

I'm watching my friend's cats while she's away. I've got a lot going on so it's been a little stressful since they need to be fed twice a day and they're picky eaters. The oldest cat also poops on the bathroom floor when he's in a bad mood... The thing is, I think he does it because her newest adoptee has what can be best described as radioactive bowel movements. She's so tiny, the teeniest little thing, but she shits like a grown man. Stank me right out of the room. I don't blame the old fella for refusing to use the litter box after she's dropped a nuke in it. I think she's got some kind of gastrointestinal thing - big belly, picky eater, gassy, and those bowel movements - so my friend asked me to call the vet to set up an appointment, especially since it's been such a challenge to feed her. She's out in the wilderness so texting is fine but sustained phone calls can be iffy. Get this - the vet has a policy that they referred to as "HIPAA for cats". They wouldn't let me bring her in, they wouldn't even let me schedule an appointment for when my friend is back. They told me to either take her to the emergency vet or have my friend call back on Monday. Admittedly, I got a bit bitchy. I said, "So there's no concern that she hasn't been eating consistently for 2-3 days, we can wait until Monday?" She snapped, "I didn't say that." My point in phrasing it that way was to walk her through the practical implications of such a shithead policy. Calling it "HIPAA for cats" doesn't mean it makes sense. She never did explain what the reason for the policy is, she just said I couldn't have anything to do with her records. I never asked for her records, all I needed was an appointment on the calendar...and wtf kind of "records" could a kitten have? Jfc she doesn't have an SSN, I'm not trying to open a credit card! I got the feeling they were busy and just saw an opportunity to get rid of me and move on to the next caller. So I just hung up. My friend had to call later and she apologized, so there's that at least.

Fuck PTSD, honestly fuck it. After losing two brothers less then three years apart I am so scared of losing anyone else that it hurts. I'm staying at a friend's place to watch her pets, I tried to call and text my husband a dozen+ times, but he didn't answer. I tried everything. I called him on FB, I called him on Discord, I even sent food to the apartment in the hopes that something would get his attention, wake him up, whatever. Nothing did. As it turns out he was fine, he was just sleeping in. Until 1pm. 12 hours of sleep. I don't care how long he sleeps but holy shit not knowing nearly had me doubled over the toilet puking in fear. He dropped me off at my friend's place so I had no way to drive over myself, I had to get my MiL involved. I feel like such a broken person today.

The first offer to come in was for $30k under asking and we listed well below everyone around us to start with. We are literally the cheapest house on the market at this size, in this area. Now, there are two houses listed within his budget, also in the same area. They just have 600 less square footage and 1 less bedroom. I'd rather wait, that kind of lowball offer is actually kind of offensive in how stupid it is. ETA: They're also on half of the land, wtf?... 2 more days and then I won't have to come and go for showings.

I just got billed $400 (out of $1800) for an ER visit in which no service was rendered. Not a single test, not a single medication. No one came to check on me, not once. They dumped me on a cold, damp bed and ignored me while I had a seizure. They even laughed in my face. And you want $1800 for that? They told me to contact my insurance. For the first time like...ever...my insurance is not the problem. And I'm not calling to ask them to pay for a service that no one received. Get fucked, my doctor already told me not to pay and that what happened was illegal. Don't wanna wipe the fee? Fine. I'll contact the Department of Health. What I won't do is write you assholes a check.

Why are people coming to see my house if they can't afford it? Two have come to see it only to say it's too expensive for the repairs it needs. What repairs? The roof? 2 years old. The solar panels? 2 years old. The HVAC? 4 years old. The water heater? 2 years old. If they're talking about the kitchen not being sexxxy enough I'll give you that but it's not broken, it doesn't need to be "repaired". And if we do that "repair" ourselves, we're only going to increase the price anyways. Why schedule a showing of a house you would be stretching to afford as it is? Do what you want for yourself, but please stop wasting my time. I have to leash three dogs and cage two cats every time someone wants to see the house, and I'm pretty sure one of my cats is plotting parenticide.

Why bother to create a wireframe if you are going to disregard it 97% of the time? I'm about to tear my hair out.