SwimModSponges

"My main talents pretty much come from living off the land." I began, as I pulled the tater eggs from the fire and plated everyone's breakfast. "Scout, tracker, forager, hunter... i move quick and quiet, i know when to hide and where to strike- i'm pretty great with a crossbow," i looked over at the barkeep who was setting up a line of apples as targets at the end of the bar in preparation to test out the weapon i surrendered to him in lieu of a handy. "I'm not terrible with a regular bow either, but this bow is terrible and far from regular." I pointed at my primitive branch bow. "Still, whipping shit together out of stuff i find laying around is another skill of mine. Same with herbcraft, i can usually find the things i need for healing potions and the like somewhere in the woods." I started to dig into my breakfast. "That an my trusty halberd. Oh, and i'm usually pretty decent at talking my way out of things..." i looked back at the barkeep. "Present company excluded, i suppose."

As someone who once ate like 2lbs of almonds, your asshole is going to hate you.

Hey we could definitely use some more players, just the three of us playing so far. We've got a good quest hook started, but we're pretty well still in the "get to know your character" bit and there shouldn't be any problem jumping in at any point down the line, so lang as it makes sense with what we're doing. Come on over we've got dwarven pirates and centaurs.

"Mornin' y'all!" I said as I stepped back into the tavern. "Man you look a bit worse-for-the-wear there little buddy. Here, put these nuts in your mouth." I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of small black spheroids. "Chew em on up; packed full of stimulants, orcs fuckin' love 'em when they're on a warmarch. Freshly picked this morning while I was out gathering supplies. And check this thing out-" I say as I pull out a crudely made branch-bow which I whipped together in like half an hour. "Imagine I could get about three shots outa it before it goes to shit on me, if I'm lucky." I shouldered the bow and pulled out my pack "Otherwise I got all the stuff to make a traditional orc breakfast..." I was met by looks of disgust. "The stereotype that orc cuisine is unpalatable is nothing more than prejudice. Look here- this mountain potato? Hollow it out, crack an egg in there, and roast it on an open fire. Top it with yak milk cream and peppercorns, serve it with seasoned rabbit. Breakfast of goddamn champions right there." "Kitchen's closed." said the barkeep. "That's all right, I haven't had a kitchen to work with in a year," I said as I walked over to the tavern's fireplace and began to cook everyone breakfast. "So what's the plan, stan?"

I figured thatd be about the best way to do this online. I'd avoid taking multiple turns by yourself without someone jumping in between, but otherwise no real "turns". So long as we shy away from taking other characters agency (saying *i slap chief*, rolling dice and and giving chief a relistic reply to your action and roll, that's cool. Saying *chief slaps my character* without impetus/dice roll is a no-go.) If a character doesn't respond for a bit assume they're still there they just don't have anything important to say at the moment.

"Whelp," i said, standing up and stretching. "I got a raven to send and a bed to get to. Assuming nobody else is planning on busting through the tavern doors i suggest y'all do the same. It's a a rough hike out thataway and im about to pass out." END OF SESSION 0. (@Distinct Lunatic since you set up the quest you'll be the main person running session 1)

"Oh sure, white night the horse lady but ignore this asshole calling me a ruffian." I said. "Ruffian up your mama." I said to the new warrior. "How many tanks does this party need, anyway? Maybe a mage can roll up next?"

Yeah, and as such they are amazing in the wild but terrible as pets. All pet birds hate everything. That's a fact.

Fuck no. Got a friend with a bird. Fuck no.

"I think I've passed by that fortress while I was sneaking between this place and the Orc stronghold right over here," I said while pointing at the dwarf's map. "Here, look, um... give me one of those-" I began, acting as if I was going to use the dwarf's cigars to represent something on the parchment *I try to bum a smoke off the dwarf* D20 roll: 5 "Why?" asked the dwarf, crossing his arms. "Well, I was planning on smoking it." I said, my plan clearly foiled.. "What do ya... what do you got in them bad boys anyways?" "Fuck off, ya ginger minge." said the dwarf as he flicked ashes at me. "Barkeep that 50% of his take you were getting just got a lot smaller." "Well, we know how he can make it up." said the barkeep. "Listen, I'm not giving you a hand-" "You listen!" interjected the barkeep. My roof is leaking and I need the help of a handy!" "Oh, you mean like, a handyman?" I asked, relieved. "I don't care who does it, so long as someone jacks me off while I fix the roof!" "Son of a bitch. All right, listen..." I began, trying to bargain my way out of a terrible roll."Keep the crossbow. I can probably find another in a pawn shop next time I hit the city. Deal?" The barman stroked his chin, considering it for a moment, before finally nodding and going back to his mug cleaning. "Anyways," I continued, "I know that area well. It should be an easy expedition to get there at least- though I never set foot in the fort myself.

My next mead. Is going to be peach, honeydew, and watermelon. Gonna call it "two huge melons and a juicy peach".

Best kind.

Wasn't hungry enough to make a meal for dinner last night, decided i'd just have chips. Apparently i was hungry enough to eat half the bag. Half a bag of nachos is not a good meal.

"Barkeep," I began, "Barkeep... I mean, you're seeing them too, right?" "I'm not half convinced I ain't caught some huff of something or other from that goddamn cloud you've got going there," said the barman "but if you see them too... Strangest day o' my life. More outsiders than I e'er seen in this town, much less this tavern. Think it's got something to do with that raven you sent off to the university?" "I mean I figured they'd send a carriage..." I said, "and that horse lady doesn't seem to want to be ridden..." By this point I had come down quite a bit, the initial bad vibes subsiding now that I was once again aware of my surroundings and had the reality of them confirmed by an outside party. Assuming the barkeep was real. I started to touch his face. "Knock it the fuck off" said the bartender as he swat my hand away. "Hey, maybe you should listen to that goddamn dwarf and pay your tab and leave." I'mma try rolling dice here. *I try to bluff out of the bill* D20 roll: 10 "So hey, I mean, living out with orcs is more of a long-term investment..." I said to the barkeep, who I could tell was already in the early stages of rage. "I mean I figured I would go ahead and send you a raven with a check once I got back to the university?" "You mean to tell me you've spent an entire year guzzling my booze, thinking I'd settle for a GODDAMN RAVEN WITH A CHECK?!?" "Hang on man hang on..." I stammered. "That dwarf sounds like he's got a sure bet out there in them mountains..." "The only sure bet you've got here is that I'm gonna gut you." said the barman. "Wait wait!" I said flinching "Collateral- take my crossbow as collateral. then whenever we get back with this dwarven treasure, you get 20% of my share!" "40." said the barman. "And a handy." "50%, final offer." I said. The barman nodded. "All right," I said, turning to the dwarf. "Let me just send another raven to kill the first raven before he gets there and we can be off."

"I couldn't get on the computer last night but feel free to just run with what you got, so i can run with it too." I said, my head spinning as the bad batch of bark made me talk in gibberish that had nothing to do with anything currently happening, the hallucinogen putting me in a strange world where i sat tapping at a glowing tile.

He was talking to his children about how long its been since he ran a mile. 20 years. True story.

For real though y'all should get in on it. We just met a dwarf pirate.

"For sure, for sure," I said as I listened to Terrell describe his fighting style. "Yeah I was never much into magic, when I first got to the Northridge University I took a couple basic classes in some of the schools, but nothing really stuck." I scanned over the various herbs I had produced from my pouch, finally picking out a bit of bark and popping it in my mouth. "I mean I can do most of what I'd need with herbcraft anyways; poisons, healing poultices, that sort of thing. Like I said, I learn best hands on. Orcs taught me pretty good this last year, everything from the aforementioned herbology to advanced spear and crossbow combat, and how to move quick and quiet in heavier armors. Gotta say though my main talent has to be charisma. You know how tough it is to talk your way into spending a year with an orc tribe? About as hard as trying to talk your way into an orc woman's loincloth. Not as hard as trying to talk your way into her sister's loincloth directly afterwards though. They say I have a golden tongue, although I suppose they mean it in different ways depending on whether or not its been inside them..." I spat out the chunk of bark after sucking out all the juices and leaned back. "Luck- that's one of the magics I put my faith in. Luck and Spirit journeys." I closed my eyes for a moment as I could feel the walls around me begin to breath, the sap I ingested flooding my mind with a kaleidoscope of colors. Suddenly there was a large crash followed by several surprised gasps. I opened my eyes to see a dwarven pirate walk up to the bar. "Fuck I might have chewed on the wrong piece of bark... Terrell you seeing this shit?" (new rule- if you add an NPC that's your NPC to control- that way if somebody is trying to set up a story nobody can steer you off track. for instance I'm not going to name the dwarf or give him a backstory or reason for being here- that's on you.)

All text, no real rules other than "yes, and..." GM is sort of free form, ideally I want everybody to write the story.

Y'all should make up a character and join us on a series of wacky adventures. It would be great fun.

"Barkeep, you old goat, I thought I drank the last of the good booze months ago!" I shouted at the inkeeper who waved me off as I brought the pipe back to my lips with a grin. "I've been called a rogue before," I said throat a strained throat as I fought to keep the smoke down. "I've been called a warrior, I've been called a scholar. A prostitute once called me a wizard..." I exhaled a few rings of smoke before continuing "But I believe they get paid to say that. I suppose if you'd ask me my trade I'd have to say I'm a freelancer." I picked up my halberd which leaned on the bar next to me. "Get it? Free lancer?" I made poking motions with the hafted weapon to really drive my pun home. "But seriously. I do a little of this, a little bit of that, honestly I just go where Time takes me. For the last couple of years I've been working on field research projects for the Northrange University." I opened the pack which sat beside me, revealing that it was filled to the brim with scrolls. "About a day's hike west and hidden within some very steep mountains you'll find the Gnur-rusk orcs. For the past year I lived among them, learned their customs, their histories, their arts, their women... Most of all though; their warrior poetry. The Gnur-rusk oral tradition is legendary, but it has never been transcribed until now. Earlier today I sent out a raven to Northrange, and I expect a carriage for me to arrive by noon tomorrow at the latest. It is truly the blessing of the great dragon of Time that we met tonight, nomadic monk Terell. I'm certain the professors at the university would pay to hear about your experiences with the giants as well." I took another massive toke from my pipe. "We hittin' the big city. Bigger city, more people- more chances to find more interesting people to travel with. It's unlikely we'll meet anybody else cool in this establishment..." "Hey Fuck you!" shouted an elderly farmer seated near the fire at the rear if the inn. "Oh you think you got what it takes to fuck up a dragon old man?" I shouted at the decrepit bastard. "For real though dude you party?" I said as I reached into my herb pouch and displayed a large array of berries, mushrooms, herbs, chips of bark, insects, and things that defy categorization. "Gnur-rusk herbology is second to none bro."