Mix

I rushed over to delete this as soon as I remembered I posted it, but this actually isn't that bad. This is fine. 🔥 Just funny enough not to be pathetic. (Title of my autobiography?)

lmao, no but for real there is a point when you are comparing yourself to the next guy and he's legitimately better than you in every way and you're like, "did she leave me for the guy I wanted to be in life?"

No worries. She'll be back. There is no future with that guy. He has the life expectancy of a large dog. I can wait him ou...I mean you can wait him out.......you can............................ she's gone

Foreplay is a lost art

Squats will help with that.

lmao, yeah, but that's on us. We underestimated the Amish and overestimated the evangelicals.

Next time they tell you that, ask them what type.

"Written be evangelical christian women" "Amish are repulsed" I really wanted this to be something the Amish were getting into, but this is better.

I walked right into that one.

You should just be able to ask them for lawn grass. Instead, they look at you like an idiot if you do that, and as accustomed as I have become to that look, it still stings. What type of grass do you have?

This is why I've never been keen on the convertible time machines.

Are they written by the Amish?

Happy Birthday, Seight

...as it relates to fortune tellers. Is post-fiction a genre?

You used to be able to jump in a taxi and yell, "follow that car!" And they would do it. They would make sure your murder victim didn't get away.

Happy New Year! I know we're twelve days in. I've had a hell of a hang over.

One time is plenty. I'm going to get off the ride once it comes to a stop.

We need Ja to make sense of all this.

She's going to eat you.

I gotta drink to survive the holiday and I gotta overeat to survive the drinking. You're kinda messing with a tried and true system here. Have a happy Thanksgiving and go fuck yourself....respectfully

Writing all those heart felt goodbyes. Grammarly can help. Whether you're pouring your soul into an email for a loved one or crafting the ideal message to burn into your employer's lawn, Grammarly will be there for you. Grammarly, because your last words should be your best. #ad #grammarly

Yup, and he was generous enough to give us a peak. Mike knew this fight wasn't gonna be shit, so he made it up to his fans before the fact.

He wasn't gassed. He was 58.