Codename: Jackass

LOL @ EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO BONE A CARTOON

You have to be a chinese cartoon or this doesn't work.

Your candor is appreciated.

This is assuming of course that you were also a chinese cartoon.

I have a .38 snub but I keep it locked away because sometimes I think about blowing my brains out when I get depressed. That's not a meme response either. If someone's going to bust in my house I have plenty of clubs and blunt objects around specifically for this purpose. Baseball bat, axe handle, some really big sticks my dad cut off bois d'arc trees, a hickory stick, dumbbell, a small piece of iron that I found in a field at college after they knocked an old building down... I'm ready to cave an intruder's skull in.

I was going to be an asshole and be like "None because I don't watch children's cartoons" but instead I'm just going to tell you I was thinking about saying it.

INTELLIFUCK mockup

INCREASES SEX DRIVE & IQ SIMULTANEOUSLY! INCREASES: -Spacial Awareness -Fuck Speed -Deductive Reasoning -Fuck Time REAL PROVEN RESULTS! NO HEADACHE! NO DIARRHEA! NO BONE ROT! [18 and Under: Ask Parents Before Consuming]

checkmate atheists

This is some really good ambient electronic music. Please validate my existence by listening to it and telling me what you think.

Post songs that elicit a visceral reaction of anger or annoyance. Off the top of my head:

I am a simple man, so Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Nothing comes close. I will also accept a Whataburger Monterey Melt. That thing is so goddamn tasty.

SET IT AND FORGET IT

1-877-KARS-4-KIDS K-A-R-S KARS-4-KIDS 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY When I hear that jingle start with the *TSS-TU-TU-TSS* cymbal sounds on the radio I think about swerving into oncoming traffic.

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR THAT OOH-AHH FEEL COME TO MATTRESS GIANT WHEN YOU WANT THAT OOH-AHH DEAL WE'VE GOT THE BEST PRICE FOR THAT OOH-AHH BED IT'S ONLY AT MATTRESS GIANT OOH-AHH ONLY AT MATTRESS GIANT OOH-AHH

The red and yellow M&M mascots are walking through a living room ornately decorated for yuletide ready to set a bowl of M&Ms out for Santa instead of traditional cookies and milk. Yellow: "Do you really think Santa will like these red and green M&Ms?" Red: "I don't know, I never met the guy!" Santa, startled: "WHA-HAA!" Red: He really does exist!" Santa: They do exist! Ohhhhh..." *Santa faints with a thud* Yellow: "Santa?" BLACKOUT

I remember wondering what the fuck I just watched when they had the spongmonkeys on the Quiznos commercials. AT QUIZNOS SUUUUUUBS THEY ARE GOOD TO US

I would have been Swimuminati if I'd let go of that custom rank I won. I had about 95,000 posts on my main and another 5000 or so on alts. Very sad to know how much time I wasted.

It helps if you have a new hip song and music video to go with it. When I hit the dance floor you know I'm doin' tha stanky leg. You can lean wit it, you can drop wit it, you can switch to the other leg and you can stop wit it.

Or if someone's trying to get into your phone to steal your info like banking or shopping credentials, you'd like to know who it is. Really it's nobody's damn business what you do with your phone as long as you're not distributing CP or teaching people how to make bombs.

Because if your phone gets stolen you'd like to have a picture of the thief.