jackiemarie90

2,653 miles to be exact, don't know if I'll complete it all, just happy to be gone for a couple of months

"Its magical and LIFE AFFIRMING" 😅 That's what it literally says on a successfully processed application for a permit. Apparently it was a really competitive since Covid lessen the amount of people years prior and the US is opening up to international guests. There were 3200 spots on select dates for people to sign up at 10:30, no queue, just random places given at the time for who could sign up for a spot. I had a friend use their laptop in addition to mine and had our phones open for a higher chance to have a smaller number in wait times. I was able to apply in an one hour wait while they sold out of spots by 12:20. My starting spot: the Mexican border ending at the Canadian border. Starting this spring. Do I have the permit? Not yet, I was just lucky enough to get an application, will find out within 3 weeks though. Um, I want my life affirmed, people were talking about how this hike helps process things effecting their lives. I really hope it makes me a stronger person at the end of my walk. I get to see some of the most beautiful national/state parks and hike up the tallest mountains in North America. This is an amazing opportunity that I hope will pull me out of my depression.

But why they don't do anything?

I mean, I would hope they would do some self reflecting about what they say and their actions from now on. A lot of those people were vaccinated, so it really doesn't make you invincible. But man, do I love me some irony. XD

True, but I'm also just gonna enjoy this irony as well. XD

I mean, that's your right. I think people were just trying to look out for my mental health, but they also did other mean things to me before, so I'm kinda reveling in this moment.

Me:

There is not much I can do about student housing, but they do comment how I hide in my own room all the time. Looks like my choices saved me in the end. XD

Those same people: *gets COVID* 😐

Happy birthday!!

Happy birthday!

DA weed! A singular weed! 🤣

I do need to get back on that, and I keep forgetting to sign up with a new psychiatrist this month. I was seeing a therapist regularly, until she left for a new job. Then when I left cal, I lost my student insurance, and it's been a journey to get my insurance to switch from my old hometown to here. I literally just got it approved this October, but forgot to sign up for it this week.

I mean, I have an AA in History, finishing my bachelors would finish my purpose here in Berkeley. And I reject taking classes online, that's what made things worst. lol But I really do just want to get out of the city, I really am tired of this hippie dippie shit and how the people here really do think they are better than anyone else without actually doing any activist work. Plus being surrounded by nature is suppose to be extremely healing for people with depression, and it's a unique opportunity to explore in our short lives. To be outdoors for 6 months all by myself sounds quite lovely to me.

The computer science portion was hard, but I'm going for the history degree which is normally not that bad, but it's hard to stay focused on even easy work. I'll be back in the fall, I actually plan on leaving my stuff here.

Yeah, it's hard when you see people cheating on their girlfriends, and I'm just constantly reminding myself, "It's none of your business, It's none of your business" To avoid getting reported by people here. XD

I also haven't been in school for a year. XD I'm complaining about the things that bother me, not necessarily talking about things I love. I also haven't watched an anime in a long time cause I just don't have to the same drive to watch it either. A lot of the people in the house make me feel worthless in different ways. I'm also very crazy admittedly, and have been acting out to certain people. >__> And with people reporting me in the house, it makes it really hard to focus on school.

No, haven't been since fall of last year. I couldn't even maintain a class at a local city college.

I'm feeling extremely old fashioned here. 😂 But I don't want to start shit. >__>

Depression doesn't necessarily mean idgaf about school. I care alot about the things I'm interested in. It's just hard to focus on it, when I constantly feel like shit here.

That's why I love backpacking, it gets me out of the city. lol

I'm not searching for love, I just feel defeated staying in a hard to live place. I recently tried to take classes at a local community college since being out of cal, and couldn't even finish those. Going back to school wouldn't be that good of idea if I can't finish the classes.

I currently am working part time, but rent is still high here in the bay area. And also in student housing debt, which is why I want to also remove myself from next semester. I'm not in danger of losing Cali resident status, but it might be harder to come back to find rent in the future.

Berkeley has a huge homeless population too. If fact my home is close by to a large homeless encampment. It's been on my mind because living here has destroyed my ability to work, and I cannot live in this housing for long without being a student. I have been receiving a ton of emails telling me about "grace semesters" and what not but have the constant reminder that I cannot stay here without being a student. I will effectively, have no home though once I move out. My mother recently disowned me. I feel like when I complete such a long backpacking trip, I will feel much stronger than I am right now, and will come back to be a student in the fall. Will I live in this same 50+? It's currently up for debate. I know there is another old person house with only 15 students in this housing system. But god, do I hate the concept of co-ops at the moment. What region are you currently staying if you don't mind me asking?

Which isn't sad for everyone else, but what I think is depressing, is that everyone is an open relationship. I'm pretty certain that this may sound like a paradise to some, but for me, it just makes me feel like love is dead. I know many people don't believe in the concept of love, as it may just be chemicals running through our mind but I also believe science can reduce things. I don't really believe in a greater purpose, or destiny, but I think relationships between humans can develop beautiful things between people, I suppose that can happen while being with different partners, but I also see many arguments fall out of it too. There is always drama in the house because of it. I don't have a problem with polyamory, or people who engage in open relationships, but it makes me feel sad that the only guys who are interested in being with me are the ones already in relationships. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would be constantly be thinking of someone else, or think of someone who is better. I don't know, it also feels like it's impossible for me to grow any attachment to any person at the moment as well. Not cause I'm afraid of commitment, but I'm afraid of the way in how humans lie to satisfy their own needs. I kind of have developed a wish to be a 3rd party entity in all this, without the ability to have human emotions, my depression has killed all drives that squash any possibility of urges. Yet I still hold these idealistic visions of what romantic love should be, this may be naivete to people who want to reduce things. I don't know, I've been so depressed living here for awhile now, that I have been dropped out of school for almost a year. I plan on leaving student housing in the spring, and being semi homeless, in the hopes of embarking on a 6 month backpacking trip, hopefully on the PCT. I've really gotten into backpacking, as I find it a solace from being trapped in the Berkeley bubble during the pandemic. It's almost comedic for me, that I can't help but think those dam shitty ass conservatives are right, Berkeley is a liberal hell hole. XD