RedemptionZeni

I see all my faults and flaws for what they were. It does seem superficial because if I hadn't gotten liver cirrhosis and alcoholic hepatitis and found myself on the verge of death nobody in the world believes I would have wanted to change, but I really don't ever wanna be the old Zeni who was so problematic and the ultimate narcissist.

I can't eat Subway until I get a new liver. The sodium content is INSANE, even for the sandwiches that are supposedly heart healthy. I think they did away with the carved turkey sub they would have around Thanksgiving time, but I LOVED getting a 12" carved turkey sub with shredded white and yellow (cheddar?) cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, oil and vinegar, and oregano. 🥺

All right I feel much better than I did earlier. Still not completely right Wait so I read this over and I'm genuinely confused. I didn't realize that most people here thought I was "crying wolf" for years. Uhhh.. I hate to break it to you, but almost all of my girl problem stories from the past fifteen years actually happened. 🙄 Well except for that one I posted a little over a decade ago about confronting that Turkish girl who was blowing me off in the parking garage outside of my school. That was just what I wanted to do because I was mad that she wouldn't reply to my texts and I wanted to see how the ASMB would react if I were to do that. Anyway, that's all in the past, guys. I'm not like that anymore. This whole liver situation has really mellowed me out and I'm so happy to be part of this community again, but a totally changed guy. 👍

Do I have to file again on February 12th? I e-filed through Turbo Tax last year because I had all my tax forms. I don't get how this works.

I don't even know how anyone can think I'm making this up. I really feel like I'm gonna die soon. If I took a picture of myself right now, you'd see how skinny my arms have gotten, they're like pencils, and I can feel my ribs on both sides. I'll touch my sides and I can legit feel the bones. How am I gonna possibly recover from this?

Ugh. I lost a lot of blood passing stools last night, but I had to do it. I was backed up. My hands and legs have been feeling numb since this morning. Not cold, just numb. Like my hands are slippery even though they're dry. And I've been nauseous and weak. I really hope this isn't the end. I'm so scared right now. I keep moaning and I can't control it. Ugh... How am I gonna make it to March 24th?

This is awful. I wish I had known this is what liver failure is like. 🤢

If they're already convinced that I have an addiction, why do they need an admission? That doesn't make any sense lol. If you believe that A is the first letter of the alphabet, why do you need someone to tell you that A is the first letter of the alphabet?

If I tell the AA psychologists that the sky is blue, they'll just say, "You're wrong. Admit that you're an addict and a degenerate who needs help."

There's nothing I can say in my defense lol. How ridiculous is that?

Why would I drink again? I know it's an instant death wish and I don't ever wanna go through this again. I have a special disdain for alcohol now. It was my arrogance and lack of restraint that caused this, but that poison wronged me worse than any false friend ever has. Tried to kill me

I don't wanna die. I'm so scared, guys.

September 24th, 2020

I got out of the hospital a few days ago and have a follow-up appointment in a few weeks with a specialist from the liver clinic. The center I went to is one of the best in the country for one-year survival outcomes post-transplant, so I really hope I can make the list because it's extremely annoying to have so much that I want to read, write, and enjoy every day only to be bogged down by feelings of nausea and fatigue. My MELD score is consistently in the 30-33 range, which isn't particularly great because it gives me a slightly less than 50% chance of survival for the next three months, but it also doesn't account for the fact that I am 30 and a probable outlier on a predictive table which surely includes mostly older people with higher risks of acute failure. I would love nothing more than to get busy and be able to nail the GRE and craft some really passionate writing samples to get into the English master's program at Seton Hall when I apply this fall, but the liver cirrhosis is really becoming a serious impediment toward my daily progress. I have to struggle and fight through the want of sleep to get things done on a daily basis and part of me thinks that I should just take it easy and accept that I need to rest longer than a completely healthy person does on a daily basis. All in all, I think I can get through this, but what scares me the most is that even if I get on the transplant list, I don't know when a liver will become available. I would think it could come very quickly since my clinic does 7-8k transplants per year and I'd be a very good candidate for a transplant. We'll see. Glad to see this community still going strong 🤠

It's mostly because they speak in a grandiloquent, philosophical, academic voice in order to get students to think in abstract ways. They can talk like "normal people", but they feel they'd be doing a disservice to students if they imparted lessons in didacticism to them in much simpler terms. I still don't know whether it's an effective method and really achieves its purpose of getting a select few students to break through and come up with novel approaches to things that have been known and taught for centuries.

2020 was all right except for contracting alcoholic hepatitis and liver cirrhosis. Still alive 🦅

*watches video* It really is. 🥺

I misread the title.

I think it's Belmont.

I had it briefly, but I was asymptomatic. I would have never even known that I had it if not for my last hospital stay for my liver problems.

infants? They're out there learning calculus and reading Machiavelli and Shakespeare in 7th grade, but when adults talk to them it's like "Goo! Goo! Gah! Gah!" Back in my heyday, I was always talked to like a young man lol.

What are those? Isn't PT that acidity scale from HS chemistry? Right now I'm re-reading The Odyssey for the first time in years. That Odysseus sure does go places.

Rorschach

How creepy did I used to be?

🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️