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UnevenEdge

So I caught myself having a delusion.


fuggstop

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I think its a good thing because the very essence of delusions is that you have no idea whatever it is is not real.

Well i was writing in my diary about mh #1 and getting upset over him asking me if i had a boyfriend. I had a strong precise memory of him asking me more than once....my negative and obsessive reaction being wtf would he care? Like i felt as if he was accusing me of...well...several things.

Well i save all convos and can pull up all emails and decided to look at his questions again and how i answered them.

I dug though years and years of stuff. I could only find him saying it once and it WAS after i was dating this dude who moved away..so basically....a valid question would be if i was still with the dude.

I had false memories of it happening more than once. Couldn't find them at all so i had to have imagined it. This hasnt happened in years...not since 2007 when he pushed me into a mild psychotic break...but i never posted about any of that but i suspected i saw a lot of stuff that didnt actually happened then too. Like being on my computer for hours fighting with him. I had walked away and came back to my comp and a scary song by Michael Jackson called "You should feel threatened" was mysteriously pulled up on my comp. I asked my dad about it and he said he didnt do it..even tho he couldn't have cuz he was in his room the whole time. Yup yup. He'd had to be an incredible highly advanced hacker to do that and then i doubt he gave enough of a shit to use such talents on me so looking back yup yup it had to have been the crazy (as i was unmedicated and having an months long manic episode).

Its part of the reason i have a hard time letting him go cuz i went really really crazy on mh and he didnt run away and kept talking to me LOL no one has ever done that

 

So yah...i cant trust the memories of things that highly agitate me. Great being insane isnt it!

Edited by fuggstop
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