one of my faves.
margaret atwood, "happy endings"
http://www.napavalley.edu/people/LYanover/Documents/English 123/English 123 Margaret Atwood's HappyEndings.pdf
well, my cat is an indoor cat and i don't generally invite people over.
so for that to happen, they would have had to have broken in.
i'm thinking a run them through with my sword...
based on your thorough description and my complete lack of expertise, i'm gonna say you definitely have ass cancer.
...or are developing some kind of ass-based superpower...
maybe i'm a cynic
but it just seems that if you just want to rack up karma points and make yourself feel good, that's an easy way to do it without actually having to do anything hard or useful.