InsaneFox

Little old lady: I need a switchblade. Me (confused and shocked): *looks over at Jeff M.* Jeff: Right this way. Me: *confusion intensifies* [Quietly to self]: We sell switchblades? Jeff: Just a single switch? Or do you have a few lights? Me: Oh! SwitchPLATES. Much less interesting.

Me: That’s why god invented dollies. Right? Isn’t that in the Bible? “Thou shalt not lift... uh...” Will: “Thou shalt not lift outside your power zone.” Yeah it’s in there.

*in unisex bathroom, because the public bathroom is for peasants* Angry random lady: *knocks on door* Me: Come back with a warrant! *finishes business and leaves room* Lady *standing sassily in the hall*: What reason would you have to use that bathroom? Why can’t you use the normal bathroom? Me: Oh, there are plenty of reasons. *walks away without explaining any of them* Glad I wasn’t on the clock. 😂😂😂

A slightly shadier Beech Grove Lowe’s story: Lady: I need you to point me in the direction of the Lye. Me: Sure, right this way. *tries to keep a straight face as I walk her to the product* Lady: That sounded wrong, I’m not using it for anything bad, I’m making soap for my mother’s birthday present. Me: I wasn’t going to say anything, I don’t wanna get Epstein’d. Lady: *laughs* That was pretty good, though I really am making soap! Me: I’m honestly cool with it either way.

Lowe’s Beech Grove mini story: Customer: I need a flush valve and a handle for a Mansfield toilet. Me: Okay, the valve is 10 dollars and the handle is 6. Customer: Well I ain’t getting it if it’s two separate things. Me: Well, it’s two separate things. Customer: *scoffs* Ridiculous.

Will (talking to the dog, putting in her caged off area because she’s been peeing on the floor): *snap snap* Freya, go home! Freya: *reluctantly takes a step towards her bed and looks back* Will: *snap snap* Freya... go home. Freya: *sadly walks into her bed, where she is shut in by a baby gate* Will (turning to look at me): *snap snap* Mike, go home! Me: *reluctantly takes a step towards my room before looking back* Will: *snap snap* Mike... go home. Me: *sadly walks into my bedroom, shutting the door for the night*

Beech Grove Lowes mini-story. Customer on phone: How much are your wax rings? Me: The basic wax rings are 2.18.... *lists the rest of the prices* Customer: Wax rings used to be one dollar!!! Me: Unfortunately things must have gotten more expensive. Customer: Well that is just total bullshit. Me: Okay. Customer: You mean to tell me I have to pay 2 dollars? Me: Yes. Customer: That is robbery! Me: Okay. Customer: I hope you’re satisfied working for thieves. Me: Yes.

Me: Rockford’s been cracking down on human trafficking lately. Will: Good maybe we won’t get kidnapped. Me: We wouldn’t anyway, we don’t fit the criteria: Young girls. Will: Speak for yourself. Me: Young girls on the OUTSIDE.

Beech Grove Lowe’s story: Customer: *angrily throws box full of pipe fittings on the ground* Me: Something the matter, sir? Customer: There was a 1/2” fitting mixed in the with this box! *stares at me with an accusatory glare like I manage the location of the literal thousands of plumbing fittings in my department* Me: *looks down at the scattered fittings on the floor* Well, not anymore.

Conversation at work. Me: Soon they’re gonna replace all of our jobs with robots, then what are we gonna do? Bobbie: Duh, prostitution. Me: Japan’s already got sex robots, Bobbie! We’re fucked!

Another Lowes of Beech Grove skit. Customer *shopping for bathtubs *: I need something really durable. Have you ever fucked your girlfriend in the shower so hard you broke the tub? Me: Only on occasion. So I take it you’re looking for a steel tub? Customer: You think it’ll hold up? Me: They work for me.

At AMC theatre... Greeter, talking to Will and Jessica: “Enjoy the movie!” *greeter looks at me* “The bar’s open.” Just because you’re right about me doesn’t mean you know me...

Customer: Where’s your electrical stuff? Me: Aisle 12 or 13. Customer: Well which is it? Me: What are you looking for specifically? Customer (rudely): Electrical. Stuff. Me: Well it’s going to be on Aisle 12. And if it’s not there it’ll probably be on Aisle 13.

Me (talking to a customer about bath tub drains): The pop up drain will be easier to replace if your tenants break it. Customer: What’s gonna happen with that is the kid is gonna get his toes stuck and then they’re gonna call and ask me for my insurance number and then the dad is going to take a screwdriver and pop it out and fuck up the pipes and I’ll be screwed. Me (internally): Well that’s an oddly fuckin specific prediction of events. Me: Okay, try the lever type then. It’s been a day.

Aww, that’s the most romantic thing that’s been said to me all year.

Since @RogueAlphonse likes the Lowe’s retail stories I post on Facebook, I figured I’d share some with the class. Post your own stories, let the fucked up times roll! Beech Grove Lowe’s story: At work: *some 10ish year old looking kid walks up to the toilet displays* Kid: Hey, what would you do if I pooped in this? Me (internally): Teach your parents what a late-late-term abortion looks like. Me: I dunno, kid. Let’s not find out.

Look at all the ladies swoon... 54ED51D8-E7B6-44CD-874F-6941F947D2D4.MOV

What is boneitis? It sounds hot.

Oh, that’s a good one. Pop that shit like they’re fuckin’ skittles.

You’re overestimating my tiny, tiny penis.

Listen, Naruko, that’s taking the super long route to suicide. Becoming a sex offender and being brutally raped to death in prison. And they’ll probably like that shit. So it doesn’t meet my initial requirement.

That would just injure me, get me arrested, and give them all a hilarious story to tell their piece of shit spawn that they will eventually shit out of their incompetent buttholes if they haven’t already.

How should I kill myself to maximize the psychological damage inflicted upon the staff?

McSkillet Burritos from McDonalds.