jackiemarie90

I moved in with my boyfriends family, but they gossip about me too, it isn't as bad as my own family, but sometimes it feels like no one accepts me. I dream that I will find friends in college one day, but I gotta first get the grades to get in a school.

To me, It isn't when you have a history of F's and I'm trying to get into a university, not a state college, it's literally my dream! I don't mind taking multiple medications but I really need the focus right now more than ever, if I fail school I would easily kill myself cause it's one of the few things keeping me alive.

I guess its just everyone throughout time. Boys in high school used to say I should just kill myself all the time, My favorite class was Band, and boys there would spit wads in my hair. Everybody laugh when my long hair got caught in things, I didn't even want long hair, but my mom told me it was the only thing she liked about me. I was always made fun of in all my schooling too. In elementary school kids would make fun of my overbite, calling me Jackie Canopener, or beaver, or even a radicate. It's kinda hard to have self esteem when everyone irl has called me worthless.

Jeff session is gonna die any day now with his anger at life itself. That keebler elf can't outrun me.

I've stopped talking to her 2 years ago, I kinda like the idea that she is starting to feel isolated like me. But when I finish my degree, I thinking I will give her a second chance. I think she will take me more seriously after years of silence, and definitely listen more. Then my little sister posted my phone number on instagram, telling her friends to call for sex and blowjobs. Gotta lot of messages and even voice messages, my older sister didn't support me. So I'm teaching them all a lesson, silence for years might change their perception. I just wanna be taken seriously sometimes, although my little sister did make fun that I was suicidal.

We should just focus on your depression and nothing else.

Really, my "threatening" side is my fear and anxiety, I'm like, here we go again, someone else's opinions are greater than mine. Blah blah I even had a panic attack waiting in school office. But I guess visually, I'm tall, I look mean, even though I just tired, and a raised voice might be scary for others, it's just how I grew up.

I guess I see myself as worthless, everybody eventually talks shit of me. And so many people gotta be right? I definitely don't belong in this world, sometimes I work thinking I can be better, but lately I'm so exhausted that I just want to quit it all.

The political side of me : OmG its the stupid capitalist system mang! Profit over people.

lol my boyfriend is shorter than me. He's 5'7 and I'm the Amazon.

At least cali made weed legal. #blazeit

I acknowledge that I do have depression, but I think there is more too it. I also have a great deal of anxiety at certain times. Some people can have multiple symptoms. I guess I do need a good doctor. Hard to find tho.

If I did see a new one, I might say, Hey Zoloft definitely doesn't freaking work, and tell her my other medications for sure. Oh even the psych was like, yeah she fucked you up good.

In the old days, I used to complain about my mom around here. I told her I had focusing problems when I was young, she just called me an idiot. She would always talk shit about how I was a bad kid, and didn't get good grades for her. She used to tell me I was ugly all time, most of my sisters and mom are really femme, when I am not. She would force me on diets, and when she was man would drag me up the stairs by my hair. She punched me a few times but I kinda enjoy the fact that I know I can take a punch. The only good family member in my family was my Grandma, she was kinda tom boy too, and she did alot of work no one payed attention too. My mom would talk mad shit about her, but I loved her.

Yeah this clinic is connected to bigger ones in my hometown, my considering seeing a doctor for a 45 minute drive now.

These are some good ideas, I just don't if I have to energy to do things, I might take alot of cannabis oil later, pass out.

This is very similar, except my rants went a little bit longer. >.> lol I wasn't even standing, I was sitting the whole time talking like him, but I'm so threatening you guiz.

I did tell her. I told her she was depressing more, that zoloft was a huge mistake. I showed her my scars, but thats when she started saying I was threat. Everybody, naturally gets upset when I tell them they are hurting me, and all they do is make excuses around me instead just acknowledging me at all.

I don't even enjoy playing video games anymore tbh. Even though I don't get a lot of sleep I enjoy laying in my bed and scrolling my phone. Its nice when I get the weekend with my boyfriend, but now he is working 10 hr shifts at Tesla. Hard to see him during the week, he gets home at 2:30 am. But I'm hoping he can save money so we can finally move out, that would make me happy.

I mean it's ideal. But I'm afraid she is going to write a report about and it will be on my record. And no psychiatrist will take me seriously. Tbh I have had a councilor and a nurse say it could be a major problem, but for those who make more money, tend to say no.

I've been on them for a month, just feel like killing myself sooner tbh, did some cuts today. But now I'm drinking so I'm more calm. Also it was a school councilor who suggest it. Also most studies focus on boys symptoms. http://www.apa.org/topics/adhd/gender.aspx

I believe it now, I was forced to see one in high school, just kinda ignored me, none really have an ounce of care, it's just easy to see you are this or that, and take this.

Yeah, they were the ones to suggest I have ADHD but they can't prescribe anything, that honor goes to the freaking psychiatrist.

Idk, I think there is high chance I qualify for a learning disability. Both my sisters have it, I know my older sister was dyslexic. I'm thinking I might have ADHD, as I tend to type fast and leave a ton of grammar mistakes behind. I reread the same sentence over 20 times because I can't focus, and I'm always daydreaming, during class, or even with my boyfriend, it's hard to focus on the now. Plus I think my psychiatrist was happy to get rid of me. She was like, please leave and all that shit.

I am, and my psychiatrist knew this as well, and threw it back at me. Too be honest I think there is more with me, I had alot of these issues in grade school, I told my mom, she said stop acting like a retard. So I guess it's hard to get people to believe me.