My grandmother is dying

[jackiemarie90]

She is in her late 60s, she is suffering from diabetes. My family has a very unhealthy relationship food, they give into all their vices, gleefully eating sugar knowing it has killed their relatives and will work against their body. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when my grandmother had to get her leg removed due to diabetes. I didn't expect what would happen next though.

CW: I haven't been in contact with my family for around 3 years, after I've had it with their abuse, especially from my mother and little sister. But I've been checking in on how they've been doing. And when I found out that my grandmother had a surgery that doctors wanted to pull the plug, I had to see her. After her leg was removed, she was staying in an unknown rehab center that "looked pretty" on the outside my family said. They had apparently left my grandmother in dirty conditions, and barely cared for her. She developed a bed sore as large as a hand. She also grew a fear of the male caretakers there. They said she was be panicking around them. There was even a recorded incident where a man was supposed to help her stretch with straps. And when she got tangled, the man yelled at her and told her to "FIGURE IT OUT!" Her experience was stressful that it caused her to have a stroke, and when that happened, the rehab facility kept trying to convince my family to pull the plug on her. She is home now, and that's when I saw her. My house still looks like an episode of hoarders, but at least she has my older sister taking care of her. The nurses told my sister that she only has 3 to 6 months left.

Not only am I distraught, I have a lot of rage about how they treated my grandmother. I can't even concentrate on school work, I want to sue the people who did this to her. My friends who were nice to me in the co-ops are not being understanding now. I feel like I have no one to go about this, no one who cares, people always expect me to be this cheerful happy person, that when they saw me have a "pretend fit" where I pretended to break my laptop, they said I reminded them of an abuser. Honestly really sick how people of color automatically get judged when they get angry. Like we can't be anything else, I have to put my sorrows aside for their comfort. I feel even more alienated than before. Honestly feel like no one will ever get me. I let people walk over ALL THE FUCKING TIME but I can not even be mad at my laptop? Like seriously!?!

My grandmother was one of the few people who was nice to me growing up. My mother would constantly tell me to "make myself look pretty" and that I was a disappointment because I was more interested in nerd things than girly things. And later just beat me when she was angry at life and wanted someone to blame for her problems. While my grandmother believed in physical punishment, at least her logic made sense. She didn't hurt because she was mad at her life. And she always made me feel better after my mother would insult me, saying that we were both tomboys who didn't always fit the societal role of what a woman should be. My grandmother no longer remembers my name, but she knows who I am. She would say, "I remember you, you always liked to play video games, and you always be who you are." She said she always loved me no matter what. I never got a chance to tell my grandmother that I got into Berkeley. She can't understand it as a concept now, she is really one of the few people I would want to be proud of that achievement. She can barely speak, her speech is slurred and she mixes up words, I can barely understand her when she speaks now.  I don't know how I'm supposed to act with this going on, but I don't give a shit for people's comfort when they don't care about mine. 

[RainyDayJizz#35]

Good luck, this isn't going to be easy.

[jackiemarie90]

3 minutes ago, RainyDayJizz#35 said:

Good luck, this isn't going to be easy.

I'm seriously debating if I should take the semester off. I know if I can handle people's bullshit along with this.

[RainyDayJizz#35]

3 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said:

I'm seriously debating if I should take the semester off. I know if I can handle people's bullshit along with this.

You might need to, my grandmother died of a stroke before I started school. Had a similar relationship too, my grandparents were my role models for how to be a good person. This was something that kinda stuck with me and made me want to make sure everyone around me that deserves my appreciation gets it. My grandfather died slower, and he was really happy to have me as a grandson while he was dying.

[resurrected]

Sorry to hear this. I wish I could to just become the primary care giver for your grandmother and control what she eats and drinks, but as a care giver, I wouldn't wish that job on anyone. It comes with tons of stress and grief. Although it could get easier in your case. If diabetes is the only, or main problem, you could potentially get it under control. Trust me, I know how getting a grandparent pawned off on you feels, while the children of the sick do little to nothing to help. It really sucks. You do all you can to make them live longer, and even still, some days the thought creeps in where you don't really care if they wake up the next day or not. But it's just a passing thought because stress has overcome you. You get over it and do what's gotta be done. It's a very hard thing to deal with, Jackie. And I'm not making suggestions, I'm speaking from personal experience, from the life I live every single day. My grandfather is a terrible diabetic, but along with that, he has Alzheimer's and dementia as well. But when one of his daughters couldn't do the job anymore, and his other daughter simply won't do the job, it fell in my lap. So, here I am, living the life. 

[Distinct Lunatic]

I've never been through anything that messed up. I have two dads (real and step) and neither one of them were worth shit for most of my life, and I have absolutely zero interaction with my real one. There was like 5 years I was forced to go to his house for visitation, and not once did he make any real attempt to make me like him or respect him, especially when it's like he lived to embarrass me at any and all opportunity like the fucking moron he was. My gramps (mom's adoptive father) was the best male figure I had in my life, and even though he died 10 years ago I still think of him always and will never allow myself to forget him. Even now I'll have random little moments where I think on it and mourn him no longer being here. Usually a couple times a month I'll have dreams with him in it as someone in the background. But I'd say every other month or so I'll have some form of lucid dream where it'd feel like he was really there, I usually tear up a lot when I wake up from those kind of dreams. I do think there's something to life, and we're not just a bunch of monkeys floating through space by sheer coincidence. Back when my gramps died in 2010 he was 69, and for over a year before he died he was having a lot of medical issues and it seemed like every other month he was back in the hospital for something. Finally things took a really bad turn and he was put in the hospital for something, where they found out he had cancer (don't know what kind, nobody told me anything about that) I was so used to him always getting through it and being sent home I didn't handle it like I should have. Fathers day 2010 was the last time I saw him, us all visiting his room in the hospital. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to go home and do shit online. I wasn't rude to him or anything, but I just wanted to get out of there. If I had known that'd be the last time I'd see him I wish I spent more time. Apparently it was a case where he needed surgery for something, after that my grandma would have been faced with the choice of putting him in hospice, or deciding for him to do chemo, and at his age and in the condition he was in there'd be no way he could have handled that, and he'd be spending whatever time he had left in pain and discomfort. But what happened instead was he ended up going during that surgery he needed to have before that choice, my grandma not having to make that decision because of it.

[Distinct Lunatic]

4 minutes ago, resurrected said:

Sorry to hear this. I wish I could to just become the primary care giver for your grandmother and control what she eats and drinks, but as a care giver, I wouldn't wish that job on anyone. It comes with tons of stress and grief. Although it could get easier in your case. If diabetes is the only, or main problem, you could potentially get it under control. Trust me, I know how getting a grandparent pawned off on you feels, while the children of the sick do little to nothing to help. It really sucks. You do all you can to make them live longer, and even still, some days the thought creeps in where you don't really care if they wake up the next day or not. But it's just a passing thought because stress has overcome you. You get over it and do what's gotta be done. It's a very hard thing to deal with, Jackie. And I'm not making suggestions, I'm speaking from personal experience, from the life I live every single day. My grandfather is a terrible diabetic, but along with that, he has Alzheimer's and dementia as well. But when one of his daughters couldn't do the job anymore, and his other daughter simply won't do the job, it fell in my lap. So, here I am, living the life. 

my other gramps (dad's dad) is still alive and in his early 70's, and he has it pretty bad. He has diabetes and Parkinson's. Over a decade ago we were told he also had Alzheimer's but we're not sure about that one. Alzheimer's is one of those things where it gets worse as time passes, but it's been over a decade and he's still able to drive, he also remembers me despite only seeing me at best once or twice a year, usually less than that. One thing we think is likely is it's just because his medication for diabetes and Parkinson's that he seems like he has Alzheimer's, since that stuff can affect your memory apparently. It doesn't help that the only source for all this is my grandma (his wife), her being the type of old lady that wants to guilt trip absolutely everyone, where any time you ask her she'll always claim that she's dying, kind of like Tony Soprano's mom back in season 1. I'm really hoping none of his problems are hereditary. I'm not so worried about getting diabetes but Parkinson's is the one I'm most worried is more likely to happen to me.

[jackiemarie90]

19 minutes ago, resurrected said:

Sorry to hear this. I wish I could to just become the primary care giver for your grandmother and control what she eats and drinks, but as a care giver, I wouldn't wish that job on anyone. It comes with tons of stress and grief. Although it could get easier in your case. If diabetes is the only, or main problem, you could potentially get it under control. Trust me, I know how getting a grandparent pawned off on you feels, while the children of the sick do little to nothing to help. It really sucks. You do all you can to make them live longer, and even still, some days the thought creeps in where you don't really care if they wake up the next day or not. But it's just a passing thought because stress has overcome you. You get over it and do what's gotta be done. It's a very hard thing to deal with, Jackie. And I'm not making suggestions, I'm speaking from personal experience, from the life I live every single day. My grandfather is a terrible diabetic, but along with that, he has Alzheimer's and dementia as well. But when one of his daughters couldn't do the job anymore, and his other daughter simply won't do the job, it fell in my lap. So, here I am, living the life. 

I know care giving is stressing out my mother and older sister. But my mother at times will leave it to my sister and disappear for a few hours. My family has been giving her sweets a lot lately, saying she might as well enjoy herself since she has months to live. I guess she wanted that, I don't think she wanted to have a stroke, what breaks my heart is that is she is still embarrassed of her condition. She doesn't want to go outside because she is afraid of how people will judge her.

[jackiemarie90]

26 minutes ago, RainyDayJizz#35 said:

You might need to, my grandmother died of a stroke before I started school. Had a similar relationship too, my grandparents were my role models for how to be a good person. This was something that kinda stuck with me and made me want to make sure everyone around me that deserves my appreciation gets it. My grandfather died slower, and he was really happy to have me as a grandson while he was dying.

I just hate that I have to face abusers in order to see her. And that it's so expensive to commute from Berkeley to my hometown. I can't concentrate on my schoolwork. 

[RainyDayJizz#35]

10 minutes ago, jackiemarie90 said:

I just hate that I have to face abusers in order to see her. And that it's so expensive to commute from Berkeley to my hometown. I can't concentrate on my schoolwork. 

What I learned in dealing with that upbringing as an adult is that there is no law that says you must speak to someone you are living with. You can be pleasant to deal with but when they knock on your door you can ask what they need through it, and if they start out annoying they can be made to go away with no. No, whatever you came to me with I want no part of. I mean my family is okay I guess. My parents just can't relate to us very well anymore because we were these things they had to keep alive out of biological obligation. 

No struggle is the same, good luck in figuring out yours. Sorry you're needing to contemplate a relocation in all this too, I have no idea if classes started but I'm certain Berkeley will accommodate even a year for a family death. Work at a pizza place, easy job, usually fun, tons of stoners, rush sucks but if it's a good team it's no big deal. 

At one place I worked if we had too many tickets we put all the lines on hold for like 15 minutes and rotated cigarette breaks while we cleared them all out, then we were all ready for the real rush.

[scoobdog]

1 hour ago, jackiemarie90 said:

I'm seriously debating if I should take the semester off. I know if I can handle people's bullshit along with this.

I think it might be a good idea to take the semester off given that school also stresses you out.  Is there an established time when you can visit when only your older sister is there and not you mom or younger sister?