EmpressAngel

Dan the Dan- Guys you don't have to keep hanging out with her just because she died. Hey you leave my hot grandma wife out of this. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. You weren't chosen by shit, you found his wandering testicle! I love you, hot grandma. Okarun is a good boy. Oh my god what. Nut acquired but at what cost. Shut up kids you're married. HOMEWRECKER! Cut your losses kid, do you reall need two nuts? You're on the Saitama fitness plan now. You go away! Girl that was just porn. Quick can we find some other wholesome dumbass to pawn her off on? Goddammit just talk to each other. Fuck yeah, mantis shrimp! "Girlfriend's talking to the shrimp." He's gone full Deku. Yeah that's probably normal. Fuck off, girl. Is it a giant mantis shrimp? The fuck is that. Alright we wandered into Jurassic Park. Use that girl as a human shield. The FUCK is that. He's so cool in demon mode. OH NO NOT THESE GUYS AGAIN. Girl they are gonna steal your vagina. Everyone wants this poor boy's junk. I'm calling the cops. Well that's new. Oh hey, she gets powers too. Bleach- I'm gonna laugh really hard if we see Momo get stabbed again. I can respect the flair for dramatic irony of killing these idiots with their own powers. Dimestore Wolverine is on the job. Urahara doing a surprising amount of work while Mayuri was busy turning himself into a giant Light Bright. The power bill this month is gonna be off the fucking chart. Jesus look at those things I'd rather just die. I just assumed you took an edible and had a nap. Everybody take these random pills I handed out, it'll be fun. This is what anti-vaxxers think will happen if you get a flu shot. She brought a gun to a sword fight. Oh guy you missed that filler arc where all the swords came to life. Matsumoto's fine she's just sleeping off a hangover. I'm rooting for Fire Dipshit here. God Shinji your hair is just so bad. Oh right, he's a really annoying video game mechanic. I don't remember why he has a 69 tattoo and by god do not explain it to me. I'm sure this will get unbearably obnoxious soon but the luchador shit gave me a genuine laugh there. Meanwhile that girl came here to fuck a furry. For fuck's sake shut up. This is how I feel when I don't take my nausea meds in the morning. What the hell is this background music. Time for some bullshit. Y'know I completely forgot what Ichigo's even doing here. Exorcist- What's your deal, puppet kid? Illuminati confirmed. Great job you dumb bastards fucked it up. Shura's not drunk enough for this. Goddamn she is pulling off that dress. Alright kids combine all five of your brain cells and see what you can do. I'm sure there's a point to it but there's no possible way I could find this kid less threatening. Hey can you make my insanely overpriced boyfriend figures come to life, just curious. Hey look, Shima does something cool for once. Okay that's new. Control your boner, kiddo. Is his power just Toy Story? I respect that they go out of their way to animate Shura's boobs jiggling whenever they can find an excuse. She's terrible just let her get kidnapped. WHAT. How are you a spy, we just met your entire family are they all spies? You're all idiots I'm just here for Shura in that dress. Biblically accurate bullshit. Hey, Mephisto's here! Take off the mask are you hot. Yeah we'll experience true peace once everyone is murdered by demons. I'd follow Mephisto into hell. Yeah sure go ahead and take her but why. And then everyone died. Shit's on fire, yo. Good fucking luck, hundreds of random kids who just go here for school. I find puppet kid being useful to be the least plausible thing here. One Piece- Cheese it! If you told me I had to run three miles I'd tell you to just shoot me. Don't worry it doesn't count as running away if you're being carried via giant fist against your will. Oh that's a lotta debris about to kill everybody. We should take that announcer with us. Goddammit Fujitora I thought you were cool. Joke's on you, this lunatic fucking loves fighting. What the hell did you see, my dude? Sure we could have used some of that rubble as material to rebuild our destroyed country but you're right, it's better that you chuck it into the ocean to kill the one guy who helped. Remember, fuck the government. Operation "let's all be meat shields" is a go! Fujitora is so fucking confused. Shut up and let me date Kyros already. I hope somebody's got a hold of Zoro or he'll run right off that path. Might have blinded yourself a little too early, old man. Cool boat. GIANTS. Everyone is on the crew now, I guess. I can't do math but that's a lot of pirates. Sai objectivley won this arc. Barto is still having his best day ever. Give him a minute he can't count that high.

If Kubo didn't want me to say his characters looked like they fucked a pig, then he shouldn't make characters who look like they fucked a pig. Dan the Dan- Oh no we're getting a tragic backstory for that ghost aren't we. Look guys maybe we should just give the bitch to that crazy ghost lady. I hope you take this opportunity to get your nuts back. MY LEG. Ah damn our boy can't fight. BEAT HER ASS. I love Turbo Granny so much. Nut acquired! I'm glad she's dead. I think that's how Jotaro brought Joseph back. Thanks, creepy ghost lady. Well that's horrifying. Oh no this is gonna get depressing isn't it. Hey it's the dress. Hey quick question why am I already crying. Oh goddammit we can't have nice things. Jesus fucking christ. Someone please hug creepy ghost lady. No seriously, can we keep creepy ghost lady on the team instead? Oh goddammit, it gets worse! Well instead, you grew up to be a total bitch that your mom would probably hate. Awww Okarun. OH GODDAMMIT, IT GETS WORSE. Shit hurts, guys. Oh hey, you might not be such a heinous bitch . Bleach- I hate all of you. The hell you mean without warning, there was a fucking poem telling you exactly when they'd show up! Maybe I'll get lucky and everyone will kill each other. The call was coming from inside the house. Dear god what is Mayuri wearing. Man, that sun baby from Teletubbies really went off the rails. Hey, this one's got Grimmjow vibes and that makes him almost sorta tolerable. Aaand there's the fire powers, I've already killed him. Show literally nobody gives a shit about that fat fuck. At least Matsumoto's drunk ass is having a good time. POCKET SAND. Welp, fire dipshit sure was a disappointment. I literally forgot Nanao existed for most of the series. You can go ahead and kill that fat fuck, in fact I'd prefer it. GUN. Stay out of this lesbian I want him to die. Seriously this asshole looks like Aizen if his parents were blood relatives and one of them was also a farm animal. I cannot take anything seriously while Mayuri's standing there in that outfit. Oh hey, fire dipshit's still kicking. Surprise, ice melts. Surprise, this jackass is an enemy stand! I'm not lucky enough for any of them to be dead. There are so many fingerbang jokes we could be making here. Urahara's just out here for shits and giggles. Oh good, for a second I was worried there'd be some actual real consequences to everybody charging in without a plan and getting their shit stolen. Meanwhile, Ichigo is subjected to amateur freeform poetry. Exorcist- Didn't expect a prom episode and yet here we are. Sorry kids no homos allowed. Wait what do you mean Shiemi's not a student, she goes to class and wears a uniform. Well one of you is gonna have to put on a dress. Oh hey, puppet kid. Come on girls you could do worse than these two. Bon's definitely not beating the gay allegations anytime soon. Nevermind, Shiemi was a moot point. Man who would have guessed these horny teenagers would act like horny teenagers. Oh good, an excuse for her to be even more of an unlikable bitch. Good job girl you've killed him. Great job boy you've killed her. Save me from this teenage bullshit, Shura's boobs. Mephisto's just out here having a good time and I'm happy for him. Boy howdy Shiemi is real fucking stupid. Shut up and put on the dress, Charlie Brown. Mephisto continues to be a delight. Why are you such an unlikeable bitch literally all the time? Just kiss already you idiots. It's a festival how dare you try to have fun with me. Oh hey, puppet kid again. The hell is this? One Piece- Man, Cora was hot. Man, Law is hot. I love that Sengoku just has a random gorilla and nobody questions it. Me and Cora could have been happy together but I'm not allowed to have nice things. We're never gonna learn the alphabet at this rate. Twist that knife a little harder, show. Meanwhile Barto's still out here living his best life. Yeah sure, go ahead and destroy more of the country while you're at it. Now's not the time, announcer man! For fuck's sake do not let Rebecca try and help. Oh sure, now the navy's gonna do its fucking job. Hey, Luffy's here. Barto is the best. And then Luffy attacked a defenseless blind man. I'd follow you into hell, you weird little gremlin. It's nice that he's yelling out his attacks to help out the blind guy. These fists are ADA-compliant. He's a good kid. Fujitora killed him, show's over.

Didn't expect tonight's theme to be slut shaming and yet here we are. Dan the Dan- We gotta find his family jewels. I love that Turbo Granny is just here as a sassy plushie. Back off dude they're married. BEAT HIS ASS, OKARUN. Do not trust that plushie. Just kiss each other already. Her friends are right, he's a good dude. Gee it sure would be unfortunate if this jackass got hit with a metal tub again. What a bitch. Ah damn of course she found his balls. Maybe we'll luck out and she'll get eaten by a ghost immediately. I don't think this is how he wanted his balls to be handled by a girl. I'm glad everyone thinks she's crazy. I love Turbo Granny so much. BEAT HER ASS, MOMO. Girl this ain't even the weirdest shit she's seen this week. Balls in your face. "That's a gold plated dude nut!" Just let the ghost eat her. Forget her, untie your girlfriend! Whelp he's eaten, show's over. Shut up. Give that girl back her phone! I'm glad she got eaten and I hope she's dead. There's at least one person out there begging this ghost mommy to step on them. It was a fucking lighter. Now for the ass beating! Bleach- SOMEONE LEFT A BABY, IGNORE ME. I always like how the show uses OPs as an excuse to put everybody in fun outfits. Yeah we know, everyone sucks. Meanwhile at Nazi headquarters, I already find most of you annoying. So I guess they're just cool with the fact that destroying the Soul Society will straight up end the world? Successor to what, this fight is gonna destroy the world! REACTION SHOTS. Hope that nut was worth it, rando. Gross! Why is there a luchador here. In a surprise twist no one saw coming, they're all annoying. Why does that one guy look like he's the result of Aizen fucking a pig. At least Epcar's having a good time here as Quincy Hitler. Yeah you're the only one who survived...except for your dad...and also Ichigo and his siblings if you wanna get technical. Tonight's episode is brought to you by the letter A. Guys, Urahara could not give a single whistling shit about you and neither did Kubo. I mean he's already some fucked up amalgamation of every supernatural creature, I'm guessing he surpassed basic Soul Reaper there. Oh hey, it's the rest of the Vizoreds. Oh hell don't open a box from Mayuri. Hey look, Rukia gets to be in the show! Yes I'm sure we were all very concerned that Byakuya wouldn't be back. Where the hell did you get a phone, did y'all always have phones? Oh hey, it's the other kids. As a special treat, Tatsuki's allowed to exist for a whole five minutes. Don't bother giving those guest passes to Ichigo's actual family or anything. Get ready, it's time for the real bullshit to start. There was literally a nursery rhyme about this with exact times and you dumb assholes were still caught offguard? Exorcist- Now that's an NDA. Dimestore Urahara wants the deets, kiddo. Could somebody please just kill that fucker already. Why is Abe Lincoln here? You're going through some kinda ominous demon puberty, kid. It's nice that Yukio gets to act like an actual normal teenager every now and then. Priest Dad was so cool. I enjoy Mephisto's pure lack of fucks to give. It seems weird that they're just scheduling demon exorcisms instead of dealing with them right away. Time to drag Moaning Myrtle out of the shitter. Oh good, Shiemi and the unlikable bitch are here to fuck it up. How many times is she gonna have to learn this "maybe I shouldn't be such a caustic bitch to this one specific girl" lesson again? This just reminds me that Mean Girls is such a good movie. Not even the fox minions give a crap. This is just gonna make her hate you more. Okay the surprise drag show got me. Fucking Russians, amirite. Dimestore Urahara's having a good time. I've seen shows that made a couple seconds feel like four or five months. The what now? WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE. One Piece- What do you mean your princess, you assholes hated her like a week ago! I'm always surprised when anyone's smart enough to use seastone on Luffy. It's really funny to me how little anyone cares that they might shoot the princess hostage. Good thing Luffy rubbed two braincells together here because Rebecca sure wasn't gonna help herself. Date me, Kyros. Oh my goooooooooood stop showing this same tragic goddamn flashback it's just annoying now. That man's balance skills are off the fucking charts. Literally nobody cares that you're her dad, dumbass. Yes this is very heartwarming now can we please just move on already. Viola is still invited to stab me any time she wants. Well we know where Luffy's been but what's Law up to? They're all dumb as hell but they're good dudes. Yay, the tontottas helped! Mansherry is so cute she can take all my blood. Oh hey, there's Law. I miss Cora he was hot. Oh, you two can bond over this. Snail fax. If you wanna get technical, I guess this is your adopted grandpa.

ALL HAIL TURBO KITTY. Dan The Dan- I'm just now noticing them doing the Carlton dance in the OP and I'm here for it. These two are adorable together. Okarun is suffering. Momo is suffering. Like skeletons, I'm sure aliens poop somehow. Congrats kids you're married. Same brain cell between them. Oh my god just turn your heads. They're made for each other. Dick trouble again? I like her friends. Oh hey she's cute. A challenger appears! Ohhhh look who's jealous. False alarm, she's a bitch and we gotta kill her. Thank you, Momo! MY BALLS. I love you Grandma. Grandma's gonna beat your ass. Don't mind us we're just gonna rip apart your soul. The Hello Kitty is now possessed. We get to keep Turbo Granny as a sassy mascot. Can he get his balls back now. She's really holding his nuts hostage. I like that his super form is just emo. No let Granny beat her up some more. The fuck you mean you lost his nuts?! Bleach- Date me, Isshin. Oh goddammit the most annoying guy is back. Get in there and pick your weird sword mannequin. Who the hell are you? Oh right, all you idiots lost your bankais. What, is your plan to have too many bankais for the enemy to steal? I forgot Mashiro existed. My dude, Tosen was a traitor who wanted to kill you all. Mayuri's busy working on his next war crime. Does anyone actually care about this fat jackass? Good doggy. Oh this is gonna be some bullshit ain't it. The hell you mean decades, you were hiding two years ago! My dude if you want humans to accept you let me introduce you to the concept of furries. Beat me up next, hoes. Whatever you do, never fucking explain anything. You could just build a normal forge but fuck me for pointing that out. Oh my god, you can't just ask someone why they're white. Yeah sure let's go with that, why the fuck not. Sure, his soul reaper power manifested as a representation of his quincy ancestor from a thousand years ago, why the fuck wouldn't they. I don't think any of this makes sense but I'm not going to go back to 20-year old episodes to check. Fuck it, just enjoy the NUMBER ONE. Now take your two swords and go do something. Gee I wonder if Ishida's really turned evil and isn't just working against them from the inside. Exorcist- He looks different was there some kinda timeskip here. Hey kid guess what, the school's full of ghost and demons. So does nobody ask why this guy has a sword in his normal classes? Mephisto is a delight. That's one fucked up deer thing. Oh good, she's still an unlikeable bitch. Boobs. He's definitely not avoiding a checkup because he's going full demon. I like Mephisto's room. No shit he's a demon, just look at him! Oh hey, are we gonna get some info on Mephisto? He's just out here to have a good time and I respect that. I forgot about their little kitchen demon. He is the puppy you dumb bitch. Your target is this painting of Nico Robin. Rin, being a dumb bastard like always. Having dogshit vision finally saves the day. Oh hey, Charlie Brown grew a pair. That thing's got some massive honkers. Meanwhile in Bumfuck Yemen of all places. Fuck me, now there's a princess? The fuck are you doing here? Ah hell, the sword's a simp. And that's how everbody got demonic pinkeye. "So hey man, the hell's up with you?" Maybe y'all could wipe the demon guts off your face before you go out in public. At least Mephisto's gonna have a fun time. One Piece- Fuck off, come back with a warrant. Barto is our MVP. Hajrudin's doing a great job of hiding there. Good thinking, use Bellamy as a human shield. God I love Law. Luffy's gonna need like six more hams before he's ready to fight. Yes, use all your ammo shooting at the guy who's rubber. For the love of god don't let Zoro lead! Barto's still having the best day ever. Hey it's those guys whose names I definitely remember. They don't even remember their own names! Horse is okay! Hi there everybody. Good thing we can use the remains of Pica's enormous fake ass to rebuild the country. Clearly Luffy just didn't get his fill of punching before. Goddammit Rebecca could you be competent for once. Hey I'm on my way out, you got another lunchbox on you? Look girl I don't like you but your hot dad is a better person than I am. Exit, stage window. I love that announcer. Sure take the shot who cares if you shoot the princess. Maybe instead of chasing these guys around, you could work on rebuilding the entire damn country that's been destroyed. Don't worry, gorilla is here to help. It's okay buddy we've got crackers.

I also drop after one good shot to the tits. Dan Squared- Beat that old hag's ass, kids! Oh that's a big ol' bitch ain't she. Lots and lots of grannies! On the bright side at least he got his dick back. Momo's outfit is really cute. CHEESE IT. In a surprise twist, she's a cheating old bitch. Boy you better fucking run. I was not expecting that. Turbo titty twister is unbeatable. Oh hey, did we win? Crab time. This is ridiculous and I love it. And then they died. Pay no attention to this giant monster crab. Mmmm, crab boil. Ah crap they're all possessed aren't they. I'm a terrible person and would 100% leave her to the mob. Oh this is gonna be magical. That was tits. Whelp, you're dead. Turbo Granny is not down with the Gen Z slang. There's a real art to train hopping you know. You better hope that train doesn't have to stop. Hiiiiiiiiii Grandma. She exploded into schoolgirls. That boy needs a break. Well that's depressing. I love these idiots. Whip it out, kiddo. Oh no, you're married now. Bleach- It's weird seeing Isshin look so young. Just fuck already. Wait so have Ichigo and Ishida been cousins this whole time? Oh hey, Urahara. Oh great now here's this bitch. Whole lotta eugenics going on here. Little early in the day to be showing hole, ain't it? Urahara, giving zero fucks. Girl I'm pretty sure you're seeing hell right now. Sorry buddy, there goes your family's eugenics plan. You gotta dick her down to save her, Isshin. So did he make that gigai to have functional nuts or was that an upgrade they got later to have the kids? Oh hey that's a familiar move. Congratulations you're married now. And Ishida's dad married that maid as his silver medal. And then he grew into the hot middle aged dilf we all know and love. Isshin I feel like some of this information might have been relevant to your kid when you noticed he became a soul reaper. Oh man, season 1 art style. And then she died. That day, the Germans attacked. This is gonna get ridiculous and not in the fun way. MILF BOSS MILF BOSS MILF BOSS MILF BOSS- Exorcist- Get that old man some booze immediately. Fuck off snake bitch this is your fault. Get that cat some booze immediately. Great job Shiemi I'm sure nobody needed those supplies you were supposed to be looking for. Hide your boner, kiddo. Friendzoned, bummer. Where the hell has puppet kid been this whole time? Boobs. Hey btw if the Vatican tries to kill this kid could you ask them not to? Get that woman some booze immediately. God I wish that were me. Puppet kid has a name? Well that's ominous. Oh right, Yukio's been through some shit today. Shouldn't you be in the hospital? Oh they fuckin. I agree, don't marry a bony-ass snake chick. Your punishment is having to marry this dumbass. "Dude my daughter sucks you sure you wanna saddle yourself with that?" You're all obnoxious. Puppet kid talks? At least somebody's having fun. Shut up, kids. Yukio you have zero room to talk, you also got squeezed out of Satan's cumdump like five minutes later. Kid, Priest Dad would have shotgunned a beer and told him to go for it. One Piece- You sure we don't need to see Rebecca's tragic flashback one more time? Where do I sign up for the all-girls marine squad. Hey, Sengoku. Fujitora, still being one of like five genuinely good marines. Fujitora you have gotta get a grip on your crippling gambling problem. SHE'S SO CUTE! Thank god, Rebecca finally gets some real clothes. He's got a point, these people suck. Where's your hot dad. Derpbird! Hell of a story y'all have going here. I love the tontottas they're so precious. Everyone loves Mansherry. Eat all you want, you can use Bellamy as a human shield. Y'all better eat fast if you wanna get any before Luffy hoovers it up. Someone hug that dilf. My dude literally nobody cares about your baggage, go see your kid. Barto continues to be the most relatable character in thie series. Everybody, cheese it!

Me whenever I have a bad day: GODDAMMIT IT'S AIZEN AGAIN Dan Squared- Plot twist she got it all right. Meanwhile the kids are dying. HELLOOOOO GRANDMA. Grandma fight, go! Whelp, he's dead. Momo I'm gonna fuck your grandma. Grandma please don't kill my dickless boyfriend. But did he get his dick back? I love these idiots. Well you did want a Ken Takakura. God I love Hot Grandma. That can't be good. WWKTD? If the plan depended on me having to run, we'd be fucked. You're on the Saitama fitness plan now. They're dumb as hell but they're good kids. BUSTED. How's he gonna pee without a dong? Good lord Grandma in that outfit. Well the important thing is you tried. This is ridiculous. Turbo Granny's kind of a bitch. Nice outfits. Awww Grandma. So does Okarin not have parents? Your grandma's gonna beat your ass for changing clothes. Bleach- Kenny got his zanpakuto by looting some random corpse. Ah hell is it time for an extended flashback. Hiiiii Isshin! MILF BOSS MILF BOSS MILF BOSS MILF BOSS- DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF- Hey kid you left your weird ugly keychain. Crazy how never telling your kid anything ended up with him not knowing anything. You're not a soul reaper, you're a soul reaper-quincy-hollow-visored-arrancar-fullbring hybrid. Of course Isshin was the one who hired the drunk with massive cans. Isshin got way hotter when he hit middle age. I think Hitsugaya got shorter over the years. Wait, somebody actually did their jobs 20-something years ago? Oh hey, these guys. Cue my complete and utter shock that Aizen was behind all of this. Ishida's hot dad also got way hotter when he got old. Man the nazi-themed group are really playing into the whole eugenics thing, who'd have guessed. RIP these random schmucks, I'm sure they'll be dearly missed. The fuck are you? Silly girl, you can't go out and risk that pure-blooded womb we're trying to harness for our eugenics plan! SURPRISE, IT'S STILL AIZEN. Could Isshin use fire this whole time because damn how you doin. Oh dang, Ichigo's mom was legitimately cool. And then they fucked. Isshin there's a reason they're endangered! No, Isshin's one of like ten decent soul reapers. Exorcist- Hey is Rin finally gonna do something in his own series? Whelp, Bon's dead. Mephisto's still just out here having a great time. Chicken is disappointed in you all. Meanwhile WHY WON'T THIS GUY JUST DIE. Hey you don't have to be a monster to hate yourself! Summon the water hoes again. Spear to the head! For the love of fuck please tell me that guy's finally dead. What barrier? ARISE CHICKEN. Thank god Chicken's here to take over because Rin sure as hell wasn't gonna do it. I'm with Chicken, just burn it all down. Is Rin actually gonna be competent? No, of course not. Meanwhile Shiemi, still failing at everything. She's right, she sucks and you should let her die. Y'know, this would be improved if they were lesbians. Girls that guy died while you were stuck in the mold. Saved by the power of his boner. I'm just glad Mephisto's having fun. HE SAID THE THING. Bye, Chicken. Alright kid you can be proud of yourself this time, you earned it. And now Yukio's here to be a wet blanket. Priest Dad was still too cool for us. One Piece- Me too, Franky. DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF- Zoro needs his booze. I hope Franky makes Kyros a cool new leg before they leave. He's willing to share his booze exactly once, don't turn down this offer. Uh show I don't think we need an extended recap of Rebecca's tragic backstory again. Meanwhile, oh hey the rest of the crew. You can just throw Caesar overboard. Fuck off, clown boy. I don't know what's going on here but I love random Football Chopper. God I love Brook. FAT GATOR (sung to the Hot Pocket jingle). Boobs. Howdy y'all! The hell is up with this island. I'm sure this rando's not about to get his ass beat. Good news gang, lambchops are on the menu. I'm glad Sanji gets to be cool agai-well that was quick. No really, what's up with this place. Hiiii Kid! The fuck was that? Wow, what a hole. Ah hell we wandered into the opening scene from Up. Man, what a mood. I also long for the sweet release of death regularly. Ohhhh he's a big ol' bastard ain't he. That sound you hear is everyone pissing their pants. This is fine.

Didn't expect we'd keep Dan's full OP but I'm not complaining. Dan the Dan- Turbo Granny screeching for dick is the ghost I'll become one day when I'm finally allowed to die. I already love these idiots. And then he was on fire. Boy's really going through it today. You should probably get that boy some pants. He's gone full Ken doll. Awww he's adorable. They're good kids. How evil can the spirit be if it bothers to ring the bell? Oh that's not good. That is one evil puppet. CHEESE IT. You're too late he already lost that dick. Well shit if he's an alien I don't think the paper's gonna work. Your grandma's gonna be pissed about the house. Let Turbo Granny out to play. Hey he gets to look cool now. I'm bummed AF. BEAT HIS ASS, TURBO NERD. Okay the barfing up blood thing's probably not good. I don't know enough about sumo to tell if this is a good plan. Damn that's cool. She's trying. Whelp, she's dead. Kiddo you should probably just tap out. Oh hey, the thing worked afterall. And it fixed your house! This was going too well. Bleach- It seems like a bad plan to pit your two strongest fighters in a fight to the death, with a 50/50 chance of taking out your best healer. Kenny's not having a good time here. Sorry lady we can't find enough people for you to murder. Tiny Kenny could have used some therapy. Remember that time Kenny's training arc was just swinging with two hands. You're fine, hearts grow back. Her bankai is BLOOD ORGY. Kenny's dick has never been harder. Alright cool so we're playing off Highlander rules now I guess. Was it good for you too, baby? I sure hope nobody's gonna need to be healed the next time they fight the nazi ghost wizards. Oh hey, his sword talks now. Oh, this guy's extra annoying. Thank god for the hoes. Yes please I would like to leave immediately. Out of all these schmucks I think I hate him most of all. I'd fuck those swords. Wasn't the entire point that you can't fix zanpakutos, oh who gives a fuck. They're what now? Yes I totally remember what these are. I hope this guy dies. Does that mean the show's over now? Good news, Renji's our best hope for survival. Hey it's not his fault he was homeschooled and nobody explained shit. Exorcist- And then everyone died. Wow that thing's ugly, it's like a waddling kaiju made of fat. At least Mephisto's having a good time. I'm glad even in an intense moment like this, the animators still go out of their way to make Shura's titties jiggle. Oh right, Yukio is here. This guy is the worst teacher. Does nobody here know how to use water magic? Nope just all fire all the time, got it. Okay maybe that mini-sun will work. Damn y'all really suck at this. New plan, burn this guy to death along with half the forest. Your hyper chicken died. Are you allowed to bless the rain as holy water? WHY WON'T YOU DIE. Every time I hear the word "miasma" I think of Naraku like a Pavlovian response. I like when Shura gets to do things. Oh right, the girls are still dying. Meanwhile Rin, continuing to suck. Super not a fan of that thing having an entire row of giant teets on it. Get your shit together, Rin. Yes it woud suck if everyone died and the whole city was destroyed now shut the fuck up and stop it. Have your gay awakening when the entire damn town's on in mortal peril, you idiots. One Piece- Oh no this is gonna hurt me personally. Koala's so cute. Fuuuuuuck. I like that we've got three dudes named Monkey D Garp, Monkey D Dragon, and Monkey D Luffy, and nobody ever connected that they're related. Hell of a way to get your memory back. Fun story I didn't always get boyfriends killed until Ace happened. Sabo needs a hug. Props to JYB for really pulling off that panic attack. These two are definitely banging. Don't worry, he already hated his birth family and the rich. I'm surprised Zoro's still awake. Goddammit we're out of booze. Just go ahead and twist that knife, show. I love Barto so much. I'm glad Sabo just showed up looking like Blonde Ace to fill this very specific hole left by Original Ace. Give him a second, he doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. Me too, Luffy. Why are you asking, y'all know he's dreaming about meat. Hiiii Ace. Meanwhile Fujitora continues to be the only good marine in a 100-mile radius. Cabbage is in murder mode. Finally Rebecca gets some real clothes. Sabo flying out on a flock of crows like some shit outta Little Nemo.

Me reading this conversation: Dan the Dan- This OP slaps. BEAT HIS ASS, GIRL. I've only known her for two minutes but I love her. Anything's a UFO if your vision is bad enough. Damn girl that was brutal. Ha, they're both dorks. I like her friends. This turned into Buzzfeed Unsolved and I'm kinda here for it. Somewhere Reigen is wondering if he can swindle these kids for money. Your grandma sounds cool. Horny Granny Ghost fucking killed me. And then they got molested. I'm calling the cops on these aliens. Thank you, Horny Granny Ghost! What is going on. Aww nerd boy is a good boy. Thinking of your grandma is a great way to avoid getting horny. BEAT HIS ASS, MOMO. Oh no he's been possessed by the horny ghost. We gotta go save that boy's penis. They're good kids. Awwww she likes him. Bleach- Sorry bro you got promoted. Oh right, I hate everyone. Who the fuck are these guys? It is funny that he's got a little towel for his stupid hair. Oh good Renji's here, said no one. YEET. The worst villains of all, ghost beaurecrats. Oh right, Kenny literally has no fucking clue how to use his sword. Oh shit that's an actually cool bit of history we didn't know. Again I ask, why the fuck is Kon here. Sure, if you feed me I got time for your wacky bullshit. This is some kinda trap. Petty bickering is the same thing as comedy, right? Look if they wanted a spa day they shouldn't have sucked so bad. HELLO? Okay, big titty waifu that gets hotter the more she cooks is my dream woman. I can't stop staring at her massive knockers. Scratch what I said, it's her fault Kon exists and I can't forgive that. Hey, Kenny's awake. And then they fucked. Unohana finally gets to be awesome. Oh, that's why she wears that braid. She's gonna straight up kill him and he'll love it. Kenny's dick has never been harder. I'd say this one isn't my fault but honestly it's probably my fault. Something something scared and horny. Exorcist- Shoot that guy in the face some more. Look we all hate our siblings sometimes, it's fine. Awwww look, a puppy! Fuck you priest dad give us back the puppy. Kids suck. Surprise douche, it was a transmutation circle all along. Nice, he summoned the water hoes. I hope this is solved by Rin just eating that thing. I like that even in this serious moment, the show makes the effort to have Shura's boobs jiggle. Just make out already, kids. ARISE, CHICKEN. Noooo the water hoes! Giant cat's the real MVP here. Rin shut up until you can use your sword. Nothing can stop the smoooooze. Rare good move on Charlie Brown's part. Nut up pinkie you've got a job to do. How many brothers did you actually have? No you were right, he's a coward and should be ashamed. Oh my god the little fox babies are so cute. So why can't Shiemi just draw a new circle to summon her pokemon again? You could try being less of a bitch. Noooo the fox babies! So she really could have redrawn that fucking circle at any time and been useful? Noooo the giant cat! And then everyone died. Look with your special eyes! One Piece- Date me DILF. Fuck you, Bellamy. You're gonna wanna eat some of that meat before Luffy wakes up. Bad news guys, there's no booze. He brought Zoro some booze, we're good. JYB's really earning that paycheck tonight. Give us your tragic backstory, boyfriend. Oh this is gonna hurt me isn't it. It's very funny that all these bandits and villains were getting their shit kicked in by two third-graders without powers and one hyperactive kindergartner. Hi, Luffy's deadbeat dad. In theory, Sabo should be immune to my curse because he's already been inoculated by blowing up once. Ivankov! Look I love this show but I will absolutely call out the amnesia plot as some real bullshit. Once again, Sai objectively won this arc. Oh right if Cabbage falls asleep he might kill everyone. Give that kid a lead pipe and he'll show you some real skills. Ivankov's giant face is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh hey, Kuma. Tiny Ace, before he grew up to be hot and dead. Koala! PIPE EQUIPPED. I enjoy Sabo just going full Leeroy Jenkins at literally every opportunity. Dismantling the government with nothing but a lead pipe and iron-clad nuts. I'm sure that Ace guy doesn't mean anything here. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

We're back, gang. Bleach- Man that old bastard left a hell of a crater. Oh yeah, I know we were all really worried about Renji. Never go into a meeting with Mayuri, you're gonna lose some organs. Wow what a shock Byakuya miraculously survived. I hope they restrained Kenny because he's gonna be real fuckin mad when he wakes up. Gee I can't imagine why that guy would have a grudge against the guy who ordered him and his friends to be murdered after being used as Aizen's guinea pigs back in the day. Captain Chest Hair is right, stop bickering. Sorry kiddo we had to put your sword down like a horse with a broken leg. Why the hell is Kon here? Who the fuck are y'all? Oh no, they're annoying. Shut up Soi Fon nobody likes you. He's got a point, you do suck. Get in my weird magic balls, Ichigo. She's got a point, security in this place is dogshit. No seriously why the fuck is Kon here. Hey, Grimmjow's abs are here. Bye, Grimmjow's abs. Hey, Kukaku's boobs are here. Bye, Kukaku's boobs. Did we know Isshin was their uncle or is this new information? Hey look, my garbage fullbring boyfriend! The royal palace, which appropriately looks like a giant suppository. The what now? I have zero memory of any of this. What Aizen did is way worse than damn near every member of the Soul Society fucking up their jobs for a thousand years, trust us on that! Chungus Lady is the least annoying and the only one who bothers explaining anything, thus she is by default my favorite. YEET. Yeah sure, that's how healing works. Yeah sure, that sounds medically sound. That man has a Hank Hill ass. Exorcist- And then everyone got covid. I'm just here to watch that drunk lady jiggle. Fire is also my weakness for much different reasons. ARISE, CHICKEN-or moth, that works too. I'm rooting for the ones with the flamethrowers. Oh good, you got there just in time to watch your dad die. Yeah sure, we got time for a lengthy exposition dump. Demon demon demon demon MUSHROOM MUSHROOM. Man it must suck to know your dad likes some random classmate more than you. Rin continues to suck. Way to be as unhelpful as possible, Charlie Brown. Surprise, your dad is good and you've been a terrible son this whole time. Dang how funny would it be if that's how they found out his wife cheated and that's not his kid. That man needs a drink immediately. And girls, you stay here and don't fight at all while the menfolk do all the work. It's still really funny that Yukio uses a handgun to exorcise demons. Fuck you, guy! Oh hey it's the cat. At least Mephisto's having a good time. Shoot him in the face again. Your dad was a doctor, exorcist, and priest what was he a Barbie? He's got a point, Rin does fucking suck. One Piece- Fujitora's a good dude I wish he was my grandpa. Those boys deserve a nap. Oh hey, everybody. Awwwww Kyros and the little guys. Please date me I'll buy your fail daughter some pants. I hope you got a lotta room in that castle because there's no other buildings left on this island. Fuck you Akainu with your stupid Hawaiian shirt and your boyfriend-murdering lava fist. You really think the Five Old Bastards care about your reputation, that's hilarious. Oh right, the rest of the world has no clue what's going on. CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKER. And we would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids! Oh right, all these people. I could go for some pizza. I'm sure some of these people will be relevant in a couple hundred episodes. Uh hey who's that. I've missed Kid, he was hot and stupid. HI SHANKS! Hey there, dinosaur boyfriend. Oh right, we gotta fight an emperor next. Smoker, seen here in a rare moment not getting his ass beat. Smoker, seen here in a common moment after getting his ass beat. Oh right, the giant kids. I'm glad Akainu is having a bad day. Someone please feed Luffy it's been a long day.

They can go ahead and keep it.

Bravo, sir. Lazarus- I've had a lot of complaints about the story but let's see if it can avoid shitting the bed at the end. Once again, fuck the government. Who gives a shit, the entire population is dying in like 45 minutes. Has he just been vibing at that homeless camp with Axel's friend this entire damn time? He took a pipe to the spleen, he's not gonna give you a good homoerotic fight. If I had a nickel for every time a Toonami original show involved a backstory where they were indoctrinated into a secret cult of emotionless assassins I'd have two nickels, which isn't much but it's weird that it's happened twice. I appreciate how his shirt somehow exploded halfway off of him. Now go eat some steak in his honor assuming you survive. Exposition dump time, go! What. That just raises further questions! Hey look Jill's back. He really was just vibing in the homeless camp this whole fucking time. I sure hope the FDA can crank out about ten billion pills in the next 20 minutes. Now shoot the old lady. Thanks for saving the world, we won't go Old Yeller on you. If I had the choice they'd never see my ass again. Now somebody get Axel back to the hospital. Can you at least send DJ Rapist to jail? Doug never did get a backstory. Whatever the John Wick guy got paid to make this show functional was not enough. Bleach- Who the hell are you people? Wait was that Unohana? All dunking aside, this is a jam. We get it, you desperately want us to care about that guy who died that we didn't care about. It took me way too long to realize that was Shunsui. Whelp, we're boned. Really shouldn't have used your bankai there, grandpa. He was smart enough not to rely on Orihime to do anything. "You really went soft after that first genocide you committed" is one hell of a take. Redshirts, assemble! Meanwhile, Ichigo's still stuck in a giant hamster ball. Nooo not one of like six people in this town who's not annoying! Oh hey, Ichigo got out of the hamster ball. Shut up Byakuya you're not lucky enough to die your way out of this. Dude if this 11th grader doesn't step in and save your shit then the entire universe implodes. I will literally eat a sock if Byakuya is dead for real. Oh he big mad now. Alright that scuffle was actually pretty good. Surprise bitch I can still move. What in the fresh bullshit is this now. This is gonna be real stupid ain't it. These sure are words you're saying. Yeah of course Ichigo's also a quincy, add that to the Human-Shinigami-Hollow-Arrancar-Visored-Fullbringer mashup he already is. Bleach genuinely has some great music and I'll give it that any day of the week. This is why you should have just killed Aizen right then. It would take all of five seconds to kill Ichigo here, but go ahead and spend 30 seconds talking before you make a dramatic exit. Oh no, now we have to get Bleach's version of the Swordsmith Village arc to repair it. Exorcist- Remember how shitty you were to your dad when he died. Now that's a boobspace I respect and admire. Here kid have this sword it'll be cool. Fun prank: superglue the sword shut before you give it to him. Oh hey, Mephisto's back! He's just here to dick around and live his best life. I'm also not a fan of mushrooms. Here, have these ugly shirts. Should have just let her die. Get your fucking vaccines, folks. She's right, forget about her and help someone who matters. Didn't we already do the whole "Rin's sentenced to death by the Vatican" thing? Here kids have this sword it'll be cool. It's the Vatican, are you even living if you're not pissing them off? His dipshit brother is a hoot. What in the Alice in Wonderland bullshit is this. This door's having a good time. That crackhead door is right, you do suck. Time for an existential crisis, kiddo. I hope she gets her little pokemon back and gets to do something. The real winner here is teenage horniness. That sure was a quick crisis. Maybe we can have this emotional friendship reuninon later when somebody's dad isn't bleeding out. Demon demon demon demon MUSHROOM MUSHROOM. One Piece- Fuck you, Jesus. Sabo no you kill that man right now. Ohhh them's fightin' words. BEAT HIS ASS TO DEATH. Tonight's theme is Johnny Yong Bosch being mad at people. Kiiiiiill hiiiiiiim. Sabo needs a hug. Koala's so cute I love her. Hey look, the marines actually do something useful for a change. Everyone else is going to jail and Baby 5's here to live her best life. You're a good dude, Fujitora. Where the hell is this? Hey buddy sorry about that decade of exile where we made your grandkid fight in boob armor for bloodsport. "We want to go back when times were calm" boy howdy do I feel that. Goddamn I also wish the country would calm the fuck down. Aww old man bros. I hope the navy pays for all those repairs. Again, props to Fujitora for being one of like five good marines.

Nope, this time my thirst curse bounced right off Kenpachi's tits and obliterated that old man.

Lazarus- Last time, pipe to the spleen. I hate you, popcorn bitch. Even worse than death, Doug's been captured by the feds. Somehow this bald guy's become the only hope of saving the world. Oh right, we're all gonna die in like two days. Fuck the government. Hey president could you tell your goons not kill the only people trying to stop the apocalypse? Is that the rapey DJ from that one episode? Yes it's very nice that you two get to have happy fun girl time together but there's shit to do. You dumb bitch I hope you fall off that cliff. Hey what about that nice lady who runs the homeless camp she's your friend. Lady your emergency contact lesbian blew up. The government fucked up, that's a real shocker there. He hasn't had a steak in days, he's really suffering. Again I ask, is this really what everyone should be focusing on right now? We all regret not being a bigger ho, you're right. Spoiler alert the government sucks. We have all the time in the world for whatever random bullshit but Doug still doesn't get a backstory. Maybe use his magic heart monitor that's already tracking him? I hate you, lesbian popcorn hacker. Guys you got like six hours to solve this shit, stop wasting time. Bleach- Everyone's fighting for their lives and meanwhile Ishida's just vibing by a river. I've aged up enough to appreciate Shunshi's chest hair. I completely forgot Yamamoto lost and arm and have zero memory of what happened. Oh hey, Ukitake. Shit's boiling, y'all. Yeah sure whip out your bankai immediately that's won't end badly at all. As much as I rag on Bleach, this old man fight is pretty cool. The quincies can't destroy the Soul Society if you burn it all the fuck down yourself. Man it sure is weird how the multiple genocides y'all tried on them didn't work out well in the end. Oh right, quincies got arrows and shit. And then skeletons, why not. Welcome to Thriller Bark. Oh, that's fucked up. That's why they can't steal Ichigo's bankai, because not even Kubo knows what the hell is up with it. Well that was easy, show's over. This is a trap. The names just get dumber. Of course it's fucking Aizen. Why on god's green fuck would you expect Aizen to work with you. Remember that time Aizen evolved into Butterfree? Ahahaha you dumb motherfucker there goes your power. Oh no, he's gonna bring back the guy who just died that we all totally cared about. He died as he lived, being an angry old bastard. Exorcist- You dumb bitch that guy's going to both figuratively and literally stab you in the back. It was all going fine until this one drunk guy showed up. Priest dad was so cool. Your dads fucked, boys. Crazy how they're not on board with you killing some random kid. Yeah your healing powers have worked so well up til now. In a surprise twist, medicine works. I'm glad this old man won't survive the flashback. You're a good dude, now take this sword and go kill that baby. Girl you're probably dying from that demon eye jammed into your skull. It looks like a giant shrimp. Congratulations you dumb bitch you got played. Monk dad is about to die. ARISE, CHICKEN. Y'all really should have just killed that thing like 100 years ago. Whelp, we're boned. You should have left her for dead. Surely this will go well. Aaaaand he's dead. RIP ultra chicken. That was some spicy wings. You probably should have written a shorter letter. One Piece- BEAT HIS ASS. If Doflamingo doesn't kill everyone, all the destroyed buildings will. Fight's over, now somebody get Rebecca some pants. God, I'd pay Viola to stab me. Luffy will demolish your local government in exchange for a box of nuggets and I respect that. Law's so cool. Y'all should probably slap some handcuffs on that flamingo while he's knocked out. I love that announcer. Hey look, the string's gone. I hope we keep derpbird around. We all need a hypeman like that announcer in our lives. Okay we get it, get on with it! Now finish the sentence for us! And everyone is bros now. Sai objectively won this arc. Awwww the tontottas. This recap is getting excessive. I hope Franky hooks Kyros up with a cool cyborg leg.

I love myself too much to sit through yet another DBZ show. Lazarus- Gonna be honest, I'll be pretty annoyed if Hot Doug is the only one who doesn't get a backstory. Ah hell she's dying like for real now. I hope that popcorn bitch dies painfully. You're all gonna die why the fuck is anybody keeping secrets at this point. Guys you forgot to put the subtitles on. I'm a simple woman, you show me a nice fight scene and I laugh and clap my hands like a trained seal. I'm waiting for some plot twist where the cat has the cure. Shit's blowing up, y'all. Stop interrupting the cool fight to make me watch the plot flail around. What a shock, the army is dicks. Hey guys, maybe you should have taken a less conspicuous car. I could go for some Whataburger right now. Well I declared he was hot and he just said he won't die, start writing out Doug's obituary now. Yeah sure go ahead and leave Boruto in charge that won't bite you in the ass. Yeah sure she can outrun an SUV on that dinky little scooter. Whatever they paid the John Wick guy, it wasn't enough. She's about to get hit by a truck. Now shoot that bitch in the face before that fever kills you. I'm sure that necklace isn't some plot-relevant surprise to be revealed. You ever go to kill a guy and have an existential breakdown instead? Ohhhh that's gotta hurt. I know what we're all thinking but Axel is not my fault. Bleach- I bet Kenpachi's just standing there wondering if he'll need to use two hands again. Meanwhile Ichigo, still stuck in the giant hamster ball. Tonight's episode is brought to you by the letter J. Why the fuck are you not dead yet. THANK YOU, WHOEVER THAT WAS. We're putting a lot of faith in the questionable idea of Renji being useful here. My fear arrows, or fearrows if you will. Well, that could have gone better. How long do you think he stood around practicing this monologue. Their grand plan was just a giant Uno reverse card this whole time. Who the fuck are you? And Renji is here to fail. HEY KOOLAID MAN. Oh thank god Kenny's here we can have fun now. My biggest personal growth over the years is embracing the fact that I wanna die climbing Kenpachi like a tree. I am not immune to bloodthirsty Seitz. Okay kinda rooting for this overkill guy I respect the trash talk. I like that they keep flashing to that dead guy who we all definitely remembered and loved. Was anyone really jonesing for a Yamamoto flashback. Is the point of this backstory that the guy was annoying as shit back in the day? See guys, he was totally cool and everybody thought he was awesome. Yamamoto is a shit person but damn that was a cool move. I'm gonna laugh so hard if Momo gets stabbed again. Old man fight, go! Exorcist- Have some control old man, we're all thinking about it. "Sorry, we sucked and failed." Snake girl's definitely fucked that teacher before. Whelp, we're boned. Anybody immediately flash back to Naraku's insects every time they hear the word "miasma" or just me here. Shura is the worst babysitter I love her. I miss you, priest dad. Give her a break she's been drinking for like the past eight hours. Oh my gooood I don't care about whatever stupid angst is going on with Shiemi. Control your boner, kiddo. Didn't we already do this "go to the office and save Rin" thing already? They're all illiterate. We're getting old man's tragic backstory, he's going to die. Remember, if you don't pray hard enough your entire family will catch demon fungus and die. The fuck is that?! Oh man I hope it's priest dad on a bender. Yessss. We didn't deserve priest dad. One Piece- LET'S FUCKIN GOOOOOO, again! Remember, Rebecca can be used as a convenient meatshield. Oh hey, Law's here too. That's a lotta string. Alright Luffy's dead, who wants to be the main character next. I hope everybody had time to make peace with their inevitable death. That is one angry puppet. I miss Rayleigh he was hot. In case anyone forgot, the world nobles are the absolute fucking worst. Fuck you, string! I hope your organs explode all over your ridiculous coat. I genuinely hope Bellamy is dead in the basement. Yes he's terrible but I know at least like six people who'd be 100% down for everything he just said. If fist doesn't work, use BIGGER FIST. Is it over did we win? The good news is we can blame this all on Doflamingo and ask the government to pay for all the repairs. I miss Cora he was hot. Eat shit, flamingo.

I remember Housing Complex C being pretty decent, if a little wonky at the end. You can only fumble so hard in four episodes, I guess- I literally remembered Uzumaki midway through writing that sentence. Scratch that, HCC was a 4-episode masterpiece of horror fiction in comparison.