EmpressAngel

The first rule of Spine Magic is you don't ask questions about Spine Magic. Bleach- Man I can't believe he won't just die and let the entire universe be destroyed. He has a point, Ichigo sucks. Fuck off, Ishida. You don't stand a chance against that lady's balls. Fuck this arm in particular. We're gonna have to put Ishida down like a dog and I'm okay with that. Oh great, the annoying ones are back. Yeah I'm sure fucking Ganju of all people can handle this without a problem. In a surprise twist nobody could have seen coming, the gang sucks and fails. Meanwhile Ukitake's just sitting there like a bad Spirit Halloween prop keeping the universe together. Look guys, you can admit that the soul reapers are a dogshit organization that couldn't operate its way out of a paper bag AND that the quincies shouldn't murder the entire universe, both can be true. Oh come on Ishida has never been that fucking strong, Mayuri had to save his ass from an even shittier pervert murder clown that one time. Great job guys, Ukitake is dying for literally nothing. Not the fucking eyes again! Exorcist- Lightning Mcqueen sucks. The fuck is that, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come? Illuminati confirmed. Mephisto is a gift we don't deserve. He's not looking so good. Is the key your penis? I miss Priest Dad. Ah hell what kind of tragic family secret is this gonna be. Bro just quit, your boss sucks and he's not gonna fuck you. Oh hell I don't like what those bloody medical tables are implying. This shit ain't right. That's a whole lotta nasty clone tubes. Don't like how that one clone's still alive! At least Mephisto's having a good time. Yeah buddy how do you like being lectured with your dick out. I support Mephisto's eons spent in the throes of hedonism, he's earned it. Never trust a man in a Griffith helmet. Big deal we're all in physical agony all the time, that's just what it's like being in your 30s. And then Satan manifested in a human body and fucked those boys' mom. Are y'all gonna make out? I don't remember names but I'm gonna assume that's the one hideously ugly science creep. I can't believe we were almost on time for a Christmas episode. Mashle- Who's this asshole? Fucking stand users. Don't question the spine magic, that's how you get your spine broken. He's saving a cream puff for later. This announcer is 100% channeling that catgirl announcer from Yu Yu Hakusho and I'm here for it. Oh fuck his ears! Jesus buddy I think you're overdoing it. Mole Mash, go! That was actually brilliant. Ora ora ora ora ora ora ora! This is what republicans think happens if they respect someone's pronouns. Oh no they got prettier this is gonna be a brutal fight. Sorry show I've already forgotten what that is. Lemon's about to fight them herself. Joke's on you, Mash will give a child a concussion. That seems like you're out of bounds. Gee if only we heard a couple minutes ago that he could move faster than sound. Not today, child! The tartar sauce betrayed you. I feel like you get disqualified if you kill the entire stadium. That's one big fucking bell. Can't wait to see how our idiot good boy gets outta this one. That'll fucking do it! Don't say that, Lemon's gonna kill you. Oh fuck what now. Uhh I don't think that's supposed to happen. Oh, it's that asshole. You stay away from my son! One Piece- BEAR. I'd take a bullet for that bear. Luffy's having a good time and not fighting anybody, just be happy with that. If you weren't a furry when this arc started, don't worry they'll find you a furry waifu and/or husband before it's done. But then the fire nation attacked. These guys live on a fucking elephant and still manage a functional alarm, meanwhile Soul Society's alarm system is one schmuck in a tower smacking a block of wood. You're upsetting our elephant/house! Didn't expect a new, douchebag elephant. YEEHAW, MOTHERFUCKERS. Well this was a shitty day for everyone. I like how these idiots stopped to argue about samurai vs ninjas, it's very relatable. Not now, Luffy! I'm sure Kaido won't be important later. Ride the lightning, bitches! Being kicked to death by whatever vague mammal that lady is has got to be someone's fetish. We have a strict policy of "do no harm but take no shit" in this town. How dare you ask me to talk to someone. CRAB HANDS. Meanwhile Luffy, point-blank refusing to read a room. Goddammit Luffy!

You can't catch me, furry thoughts! Bleach- Hey bro you what. Well, that's new. So he has tuberculosis because his parents sacrificed his lungs to the devil? Is it appropriate to fist bump that thing. Punch Granny for new ruler. Hey, it's that one vice captain guy that died. Captain Chesthair was way less attractive as a fresh-faced twink back in the day. And then they were boyfriends. The greatest villain of all, bureaucracy. Here, have a cookie. Shut up lady let the man get hammered. I'm just gonna keep making the LOOK WITH YOUR SPECIAL EYES joke until the show forces me to stop. Yeah sure I'm just gonna assume that makes some form of sense. Meanwhile, Ichigo accidentally killed god. Oh yeah, send fucking Ganju in that'll help. Orihime, once again fucking useless. He's here to give them a hand. Oh great, Aizen's here to talk shit. I'm sure Aizen planned this entire thing from the beginning. You dumb fucks. Random smash cut to credits, go. Exorcist- Way to fuck it up, kids. God I love my wife. Meanwhile what's Lightning Mcqueen up to? Yes we know Mephisto is shady as fuck but consider, he's really fun. Oh no my cheeseburgers. Fuck off, Shima. These kids is dumb. I am not immune to stupid poop jokes. In a shocking twist, Izumo isn't complete garbage for once. Sorry Rin the unlikable bitch just stole your girl. Alright these are some dumb shenanigans I can genuinely enjoy. Izumo's shriveled bitch heart grew three sizes that day. This isn't gonna end well is it. The kids is real dumb. The fuck are you doing here?! What is going on. Why aren't you a hamster anyore. I could go for some food. Oh hey, eyepatch Seitz. Eyepatch Seitz denied. Mashle- Thanks for the recap, narrator. Time for a stand battle. Oh you dumb bastards are gonna be in pain. WOLVES. Oh my god they use the Sound of Music lines I love it. Well that was quick. Give my son a cream puff. I'm glad Dimestore Dumbledore has our back here. I respect their commitment to a good fight. I love these idiots. Lemon is my spirit animal. They're all so, so wonderfully stupid. This is definitely not an obvious trap. This show is a gift. Oh that's some bullshit. We don't deserve this show. MY CREAM PUFF. Toooooournament arc! Ah fuck we're just going whole hog right off the bat here aren't we. Oh thank god he had an extra cream puff. They're both weird as shit I love it. Dot's right, we're screwed. Whelp we had a good run, show's over. Bah gawd that stand user had a family. Good luck kiddo you're gonna need it. One Piece- No seriously where the fuck is our cook? Derp cat still doing his best please let him die. RIP derp cat. Zoro's got his booze, all is right in the world. Zoro's not drunk enough yet to accept being aggressively glomped by furries. This got weird. Skeleton, ahoy! Hey Brook you okay there buddy. Zoro got lost on the way to the huddle. My dude you're gonna have to explain a lot more. Oh no, the dogs wanna eat him. Law did not want to join the cuddle party. I refuse to believe Sanji would willingly leave while Nami's in that outfit. What in the Peewee's Playhouse is that boat. I'm a simple woman, I hear a funny and inexplicable accent and I clap like a trained seal. Use Caesar as a meat shield! I enjoy seeing Caesar in pain. Hey great job Caesar, you helped! Now cheese it guys. Oh right, mysterious shit went down. Yay he's awake, wait who is that. Maybe keep Brook away from the giant dog. Day dog, fighter of the night cat.

Who among us hasn't had an emotional outburst with our tits flapping in the wind? Bleach- We all have daddy issues, cry harder. You lost, show's over. I thought all the sidekicks died. Hi Isshin! The wonky eyes still look goofy as shit. Hey look, Ichigo gets to do something in his own show. Death's not much of a deterrant, I swear this boy's died like six times already in this series. At least shit blowing up looks cool. Look with your special eyes (I'll stop making that joke when they stop setting me up for it)! "The three worlds" they say, like we're forgetting Hueco Mundo only exists because the soul reapers fucked up at their jobs so much that the hollows created their own form of government in Ghost Mexico. Meanwhile, everyone else. Anybody else just waiting to see if Momo gets stabbed again? Soul King sounds like a bag of dicks and maybe we should let him die. Man we're in dire straits when Renji is the voice of reason. Hey look, Yoruichi does a thing! How did y'all not notice the giant Fuck Off sword jutting out of that guy's chest? You're not supposed to pull a blade out of a wound, you dumbass! Goddamn Ichigo you're real bad at this. I like that Baha Blast here calls out how Ichigo's part of every single spirit being ever introduced. Tatsuki gets to exist again for a whole 30 seconds, enjoy it while it lasts. Well, we're fucked now. Exorcist- We're all depressed and wanna die, cry harder. Priest Dad was too cool for this show, yet again. I respect her decision to thirst after muscley large men. Good god I would not have that kinda willpower if you put a gun to my head. I also like to have emotional outbursts with my tits out. I enjoy Rin just going full brainless dipshit sometimes. So you can just swim away from the demon you promised to do a suicide pact with? Fucking hydras and their ever-generating heads. This was a dumb plan. On the bright side, the short hair is cute. Yeah yeah life is eternal suffering and you long for death with every fiber of your being, we've all been there. Bye snake. That sure was a thing that happened. Fuck off, Shima. I'm real uncomfortable with the weird quasi-horny dynamic with Shura and the literal child she works with. Release the hounds. You're fine you just broke half the bones in your body. Shima's the worst. Yukio broke. Mashle- Sweet wand lore. Creepy Nuts blesses us with a bop every week. Well gang, we're fucked now. Hope you're real good at running away, kiddo. That's one fucked up power. Be the best damn wall you can be. RUN. That boy has a fucking stand. Oh fuck that was quick. Kiddo I'm pretty sure that's a panic attack. Now would be a great time for one of our idiots to show up. Go, my idiot son! The secret Joestar magic. Oh hey, he has Law's power. MY LEG. Uh don't squeeze that crystal too hard you know it breaks easy. Jesus buddy just stay down. BEAT HIS ASS, MASH. Now get this boy to a hospital immediately. Fucking stand again! Ah shit his wand has cancer. Alright new plan, break his creepy wand. So do the wands get passed on to new people when the originals die or are there just 13 special wands ever? Now now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. Way to kick him while he's down. This is All Might vs Nomu all over again and I'm here for it. Uhhh is that supposed to happen. Well that's gonna haunt my nightmares. STICK. Mash what. This show is a gift. Eat shit, stand boy. Bah gawd I think you killed him. Awwwwww. "Oh shit, is that what I've been doing to people?" One Piece- Previously, welcome to Furry Island. I love that fat gator. Elephant no! Somebody grab Robin we need her. And then Luffy died. The hell did a shark come from!? That derp cat wants to die. RIP derp cat. I love this enormous elephant. BEAR. I love Robin's mind theater so much. I mean can you really call them cannibals when they're not humans in the first place. Those prison shackles look awfully fucked up. Well, at least that guy's dead now. Oh damn he was real stupid. Speed gator! Oh no, Zoro's lost and will never be seen again. Oh hey, Zoro. Usopp puppeting Zoro like a muppet killed me. I really love the character designs for the animal people. Sheep. NAMI. CHOPPER. Damn that's a good look for Nami. Oh hell yeah, arc party already. Just get Zoro some booze already. The furries are eating well this month. Me too when I see Nami. I like Chopper's fancy outfit. Well that's ominous. WHAT.

You can't catch me, furry thoughts! Bleach- I talk a lot of shit about Bleach and it's entirely fair, but this show always had unreasonably good music. Previously, everyone killed themselves. They do everything at a whole other level, including sucking and failing. I miss Joann Fabrics. I know I made the Chimera Ant joke last week but the extended recap ain't giving me much to work with. Wow what a shock, that ultimate attack from last season didn't work. Look with your special eyes! Alright so we just need to find someone invisible to stab him. Of course you can't defeat Ishida with fabric, he was in the sewing club and why do I remember that. Look out he's gonna give you another stupid nickname. The most feared attack of all, an impromptu poetry reading. Way to suck, fat man. How did you not notice that?! Nobody's gonna care that he straight up killed that lady when Ishida inevitably reveals that he's a double agent, are they. Outside of the extreme closeups, the multiple pupils thing just looks super goofy. Remember who you are, Simba. Oh what the fuck. Whelp we lost, show's over. Exorcist- RIP chickens. Priest Dad, still too cool for this show. It's anime, we're lucky he turned down the child bride marriage proposal. At least let the poor lady have shoes. Tonight's theme is LOOK WITH YOUR SPECIAL EYES. Get a hobby or something you weirdo. Oh this is gonna be gross. I need an adult. I've never been happier for Rin to be here and obnoxious. What the fuck. This is gross and weird and I don't like it! She's right there, fuckass! This is so fucking weird. Not now, Shura's giant boobs! I need an adult, again. Show this still doesn't make up for how weird and rapey you were five minutes ago. GODDAMMIT JUST DIE. This dumb bastard's gonna immediately look in his eyes. The fuck did you come from!? Are...are we supposed to feel bad for the creepy snake rapist? At least if you die you don't have to be part of whatever the fuck this is anymore. I hated all of this. Mashle- I believe in Creepy Nuts supremecy. TOURNAMENT AAAAAARC. I'm rooting for the minotaurs here mostly. Gee if only we had somebody here who doesn't fight with magic. Bah gawd that minotaur had a family. I love my idiot son. Thanks, random guy. I don't quite trust this random guy. They're all stupid in fun and different ways. HONK. This show is a gift. Mash had an idea, this is a big day for him. What. How the fuck did Dot of all people win. I'm sorry I doubted you, random guy. Good boys all around. OW fuck, eyes! Somebody get Dot a bandaid. Random good boy's not looking so good. Fuck you and the stupid name you rode in on. Punch him, Mash! Oh my god this is brilliant. Not a single damn braincell in that head of his. You've been summoned by Rainbow Bright. Mash broke. Mashle smashle crystal. Oh no, my idiots! We don't deserve these stupid, stupid good boys. One Piece- Who knew an elephant was such a nice place to build a house on? You can't catch me, furry thoughts! I like that the bunny is named Carrot. Fat gator, go! Man I hope she just means Brook. Nobody give that boy a meal, he'll destroy your local government. Robin asking the important, cannibal-based questions here. BEAR? Meanwhile Luffy's fighting at the zoo. Oh right duh, he's immune to electricity. BEAR. I'm a simple woman, you show me a giant adorable polar bear in a Naruto suit and I laugh and clap like a trained seal. The flag diversion. The banana diversion. I said you can't catch me furry thoughts! That's a lotta animals. Oh fuck, why would you let Zoro out of eyesight you'll never find him again. Well that's horrifying. That's one bigass footprint. I wanna go on the whale tree. There was some bad shit going down. An early and obligatory "fuck you" to that guy. Get on the gator!

Me, explaining to my confused dad yet again that "He's a character from a thing I watch. He turns into rubber."

Bleach- I read this whole manga and I still don't know what the hell the soul king is. I'll defeat you with the power of GUN. At least Mista's gun powers were fun. Just shut up and kill each other already. Meanwhile Hitler vs Name Wizard is one of the fights of all time. Bro I don't think he gives a shit about your fancy position. You could at least have a red door in this scene. This dialogue is ridiculous. Wasn't Kenpachi fighting with a namless sword until like ten minutes ago? At least cooking waifu gets to die in hot mode. Is Pigfuck Aizen the only quincy using a bow in this arc? Man who would have guessed that the power of names wasn't insurmountably strong here. Why the fuck weren't you fighting seriously before? Your grand plan here is a suicide pact!? Heyyy Isshin. Even Pigfuck Aizen knows this is bullshit. Does that guy have hands for wings? Don't worry this lady's powerless now that Joann Fabrics went out of business. They're literally already in the afterlife! I can't believe he trademarked the color black. Oh no you gave him a shitty nickname, how will he ever recover. We've seen Hunter x Hunter, don't fuck with ants. I forgot Kon existed and life was happier for it. Jojo Kon is my sleep paralysis demon. Exorcist- She escaped the frozen tundra and vowed to never wear a shirt again. Mephisto's run out of fucks to give. That motel's definitely haunted. Granny's cool with incest. Literally all you have to say is that you're siblings. So hey bro, tried to off yourself lately? Next time maybe wait to have your serious conversation when you don't have your balls out. Granny's really pushing that incest route. Meanwhile, snaaaaake. Is that snakeboss Crispin? What, do you owe these guys money or something? You want WHAT from her? Absolutely the fuck not, go steal a baby like a normal person. Yeah I'd also rather be stabbed than pregnant. I'd also choose death over childbirth, zero questions asked. Your hot ninja grandma can call me. Did you fuck her grandma, snakeboss Crispin? Oh yeah snakeboss Crispin fucked your grandma. I'm glad my wife Shura and I are on the same page about kids. Snakeboss apparently goes off of Dicaprio's girlfriend metrics. Just find a stronger demon to make a different pact, easy peasy lemon squeezy. Mashle- The dorms are led by puppet guy, Jojo villain, and whatshisface. Song still slaps. So we're setting up a macaron vs cream puff cooking battle here right? Sorry but the power to summon a piano for dramatic musical interludes isn't very cool. I do like that their magic lines are music notes. Are they playing Magic Life. This is incredible. Look if I don't have enough enrichment in my enclosure I'll go insane and commit several felonies. Dumbledore could not give less of a fuck. Neat, guess you can just summon an extra line when you level up. Mash is a good boy, someone please hug him. Of course it's about the cream puff. Mash is gonna fight the music isn't he. I'm not gonna question the Gone with the Wind reference I just clap my hands like a trained seal. Where the fuck did you get a trombone!? Okay that's really dang cool. Hey people live in that forest, put it back. Didn't expect it to turn into a wand-measuring contest. Good luck my idiot kids you're gonna need it. I love Mash and his dad. Oh, I forgot whatshisface is roommate's brother. The muscles. We could have just called it muscle magic and no one would question it. Tournament arc, go! Look out for the minotaurs, kids. One Piece- Hey, narrator gets a new intro. I love that derp dragon more than I could ever love a human child. Yes please pull Zoro's pants off. His name is Ryunosuke and I'd die for him. Stop bullying him he's trying his best! I completely forgot why the samurai are here. Hey you got Naruto in my One Piece. Monkey! Whelp, Kinemon's dead. Robin cracks me up. Don't make him work harder he's fighting for his life here. Never been more relieved to see an elephant's ass. Whelp, Luffy's dead. Ryunosuke no! Fuck everyone else, we gotta save that dragon. Look at him go I'm so proud of him. How dare you make me love that thing and then kill him off immediately. This is so ridiculous. Zoro and Law killed me. Don't fuck with stairs they killed Zoro's friend. Whale tree! Yeah this is probably normal. Was it a smaller giant elephant? Who's that. "I forgot the gas guy...who cares." Bad news guys, the elephant is full of poison. It's a bunny! FAT GATOR. Did...did Nami get turned into a furry waifu?

Bleach- Who the hell are you? You should have shown up sooner if you wanted to go. Oh, Yoruichi has a little twink brother. All of you are annoying. Big guy's gonna get clapped immediately isn't he. Yeah I'm real scared of your stupid giant paint brush. Look with your special eyes! I hope I luck out and at least some of them will kill each other. Since when could Ishida do this shit, he needed Mayuri to bail him out last time he got a fight! Oh fuck me this guy can't even die. Oh this is some bullshit alright. No seriously we've known that boy since season one he has never been this competent. Fuck it, who needs blood. Well I'll be damned, the blood lake thing paid off. Oh we're getting real stupid now. I'll defeat you with the power of the name game! Meanwhile, what and why the fuck. Yes he may be evil ghost Hitler but damn it the man's got pizazz. RIP fire dipshit you were fun. What the fuck is that. Exorcist- Hey, Shura got a new bra. I know I already used the "look with your special eyes" joke tonight but the block just keeps setting me up for it. I'm here for the water waifus. I'd let them kill me. Your first mistake was trying to pussy out of a near-death experience. I could go for some pork. Charlie Brown's invented the Pokedex. Shut up traitor. The fuck happened to your hair. Oh he's real gay. Sometimes you just wanna be the little spoon, guys. And then Yukio offed himself. Oh honey, you were never supposed to have a career. Well I've lived in worse places I guess. You dumb kids are gonna get yourselves killed. MY LEG. Owww god don't yank that out! Your adorable little pokemon has failed us. Hide your boner, kiddo. Hey, actual development here. You stupid kids. Shit's on fire. Meanwhile, other shit's on fire. Yer a wizard, Yuki. GUN. Jesus kid calm down. Hey look, the plot. Mashle- I don't know what kinda blood contract Creepy Nuts signed to get their full OPs played every week but I'm here for it. Dumbledore's got your back. Yes he has no magic but consider, he's a very good boy and we love him. No not because of that. We'll make an exception because he is in fact a very good boy. Cool that was already his plan to be wizard hokage. This boy's fists are gonna do more good than all their magic combined. Oh my god the outfits. Let's play Koala Darts! Not a single brain cell among them. The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Mashle. I hope his wand is just a stick. Even better, unmoveable object! Lemon's design is so cute. Hey, quidditch bro is here too. Awwww I love these kids. Go see your dad, kiddo. Who the fuck are you. This is a Jojo villain. And now we pause for a musical interlude. We'll deal with the insideous plot later, let's just enjoy this heartwarming moment for a second. Not a single brain cell among them, again. Oh no don't you dare ruin this wholesome family reunion. Oh hey thanks buddy. One Piece- Last time, that's one big elephant. Hey look it's our boat. This is like a holy pilgrimage for Barto. I forgot Caesar existed and that was a good time. Elephant's moving, hold on. Meanwhile Luffy's dad is busy. Koala! I forgot about the fake Straw Hats. Hi boyfriend! Hey look, plot. I'm glad Jesus is suffering. Oh fuck you go away. Good lord how many times did Whitebeard drop that kid on his head. Well this lady's definitely lying because no way could she bang Whitebeard and survive. Yes good let these ugly bastards fight. Meanwhile meanwhile, clown shenanigans. I genuinely cannot wait to see Buggy trip ass-first into finding the One Piece. I hope him and Alvida and Mr. 3 are happy in their weird little threeway marriage. Barto that's nice of you but that's like twenty minutes worth of food for Luffy. Oh my god look at that thing it's majestic. I've only known that derp dragon for thirty seconds but I'd die for him. I'm with Robin here, he's precious. Barto can die happy now. Derp dragon is trying his best.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard Aleks Le as a good boy in magic school who loves his dad I'd have exactly two nickels, which isn't much but it's weird that it's happened twice. (Watch Twisted Wonderland available on Disney+ and pirate sites everywhere) Bleach- Hey guys sorry we genocided you, how about we call a truce? In a surprise twist, the Soul Reapers have always sucked. Look with your special eyes! Release the goo. HOG. Shut up Ganju bring back your hot sister. Looks like Team Dipshit's blasting off agaaaaain. Redshirts, go! What the fuck are you. Why does this guy sound exactly like the goblin prince from the 90's Disney ripoff The Princess and the Goblin? She's right, sewing's a bitch. Y'all really should have updated the security in that place after Aizen almost broke in. Remember when Yoruichi was a cat and a boy? Goddammit it's Pigfuck Aizen again. And then Dimestore Thor was here. This guy looks like a revolutionary war-era stripper. Thanks lady you were completely useless. What a twist, I guess. Fucking trees. I will never remember any of your names. I forgot about the most annoying guy. I hate him and I hope they kill him soon. Alright credit where it's due that actually looked pretty cool. That's just Law's power. Exorcist- How did y'all miss the giant zombie factory under the tourist trap where everyone goes missing? Mephisto is a gift we don't deserve. Gee I dunno kids maybe they're railroading it because of all the demons everywhere. Goddamn can't a guy just be moody for a week. I dunno maybe he's worried because you have less time to prepare for the demon SATs. Don't worry, Lightnight Mcqueen is on the scene. Using your Ponyta for these low-level pokemon seems like overkill. Wait where's Boobs Mcgee here? Get good, losers. He seems pretty chill I don't trust him. Maybe your ambition could just be saving the world to help people. I do appreciate somebody just in it for sheer love of the game and not from some tragic backstory. You dumb bastards this is a trap. MIMIC. This is the worst game of Uno. I'll beat the demon with the power of GUN. This man's definitely fucked a demon multiple times. Mashle- FIGHT CLUB HOGWARTS GO. Fuck yeah, more cream puff OP. These kids are all so, so stupid and I love them. Our boy broke. Oh no it's siscon dude. Jesus, Dot literally fucking broke. Go away, creepy doll kid. Tonight's theme is, surprisingly, Uno. Oh god help me we got an incel on our hands. Why is worst girl here?! Go on Lemon shoot your shot. I hate it when they pull out before you finish, I mean what. Oh hey, plot. Awww the cream puff plushies. My dude, he has not listened to a single word you just said. Not now, Douchebag Josuke! HOOT HOOT. You're going to wizard jail, Mash. Oh great we're gonna get a religious sermon now. God I love our boy. Who's this jackass? Man, rough world to be a minority in. Who needs magic when you have the arm strength of a god? I love our boy so much. I don't know what that dog-pig thing is but I need a plushie of it. Pocket Sand! Oh my god it's a tiny derp dragon I need it. Free my boy he did nothing wrong. And then that dude got possessed. Well that's fucked up. Gee if only we had a guy without magic who could remove the magic-eating parasite. Weren't you listening to the narrator. I love this. Who ordered the Mexican Standoff. We're good, Dumbledore's here. One Piece- Previously 750 episodes ago. Man, Shanks is hot. That arc was just holding him back. Hey look, Usopp's shitty deadbeat dad. Oh my god he's telling this in-universe. Normally I'd whine about this whole episode just being an extended recap but the show's so long I'll allow it. 2/3 of this episode could be summarized by the absolute banger that is the 4kids rap. They conveniently skipped the part where Robin crushed Franky's nuts until he agreed to join. Hey we know that whale! Hey, Kizaru. He's what now. Oh hey Law. That's no island. That's one big fucking elephant. That is one old fucking elephant.

Bleach- Go ahead and kill the kid, Mayuri's not gonna care. Kenny would be so disappointed in both of you. The horrific ethical violations are Mayuri's favorite part. May we all be so lucky as to be dead and mindless when the war criminal science clown sets his eyes on us. Ain't that the thing from Parasyte? You idiot, killing him does nothing. Ah hell he's got us in a Groundhog Day loop. Why do we let the murder clown exist? BOOBS, NO! I forgot all of these schmucks existed when they weren't on screen. Yes we're all very scared of your tiny Nazi handgun. I hope all of them are dead. Great job you beat one guy, Byakuya beat like 20. I wouldn't have to have an excuse to attack most people in this show. Oh I already REALLY hate this guy. I imagine the casting call for this role was "Who can sound like Barry White?" What the fuck is going on. What is this background music. Who needs love when my soul is fueled 90% with unfathomable hate for fictional characters. I am nowhere near drunk enough for this. Thank you, zombie guys. Oh god help me, the fights have combined. I don't know enough about fake spirit science to call bullshit on this. At least this zombie bitch is dead now I hope. Stop making me look at that man! Maybe I'll luck out and they'll all just kill each other. Meanwhile, Ghost Hitler just Koolaid Man'd his way into the castle. Exorcist- Shima can go eat a bag of dicks. Wow what a shock he's been good this whole time, no one expected that. Remember kids, never trust a cult. Rare GLASSES MEPHISTO spotted. I'm just rooting for Mephisto to have a good time. Literally none of this is making me like Shima, show. Someone please just put that doctor out of my misery. I give zero shits about his personality but let's be real, Lucifer can get it. Insult him more, it's doing things for me. THANK YOU. Rin what the fuck are you doing. Okay the boobies line got me. What in god's green fuck are you doing here? I think I'm having a stroke. So the cult just lets you walk away back to your regular old life? Beat his ass, he deserves it. I know we've seen this guy before but I have no memory of who he is. Lightning Mcqueen is here. No, torture that dumbass child. He kidnapped one of you, don't trust his shit. Mephisto's just out here playing around for shits and giggles. Yes, drag these children for my amusement. No, you and your shitty hat get back here and torture that boy! Yukio it's not too late to drown him in the fountain. Yeah I'm sure you can trust the guy named fucking Lucifer. You should have just let him get tortured. I'm glad I'm gonna get that blood-coughing man killed soon enough. Look with your special eyes! Remember it's never too late to punch a guy. Sweet, free trash! I completely forgot Boobs got injured at all. Fuck it, we party. Gratuitous jiggle, go! You were in the hospital like two days ago, should you be swimming? These glasses boys can't see shit for this conversation. No brain cells at all in this building. Control your boner, kiddo. "I ain't your dude, dude!" got me. Those are some pokemon. No running at the pool! Mephisto's gonna kill you for all that property damage. Fuck's sake didn't we have this "Oh no I'm a demon" drama as filler last season? Oh, they were Mephisto's pokemon. Again, we didn't deserve Priest Dad. One Piece- I forgot we're still in filler and I'm still not here for it.

Fun story: After seeing the first episode of Uzumaki I thought "the rest of the series could look like shit and I'd still be satisfied." And the universe looked me directly in the eye and said "Wanna bet?" Bleach- I'd like to apologize to Orhime from last week since Chad doesn't get to have a shirt either. Yeah it's our friend Ishida, the guy who released a giant monster into a city full of innocent bystanders to have a shitty dick-measuring contest. I know we just left the royal palace but turn around we gotta go all the way back. Goddammit they're all still alive. I want to pet that fox. I do enjoy this dipshit. Renji is the last person who gets to talk about stupid character designs. Please for the love of god kill them all. Oh, did they cut out that bit from the manga where Yumichika says he knows that girl's a dude because she reeks of jizz? That lady's not looking too good. Urahara's just here for shits and giggles. Yoruichi gets to be in the show! Shit's exploding, yo. Appropriate time for a zombie apocalypse. Light Bright Mayuri is here to save the day but at what cost. Is...is she gonna fuck that corpse? On a scale of Senku to Mayuri, how evil do you like your mad scientists? Joke's on you, Mayuri doens't give a single yodeling fuck about his allies. Where the fuck did you guys come from!? Thank you Mayuri for killing them again. Again, you just need a biteproof shark suit and a large stupid man ready to show dong. I mean Mayuri has custody of you so there's definitely a lot worse that can happen to you. Have the gays fight each other. You suck, Hitsugaya.

I call that the Kenta Miyake Special and it's how I want to die. 👍 Bleach- Children are terrifying. The imagination brain thing was extremely stupid but at least it was fun. Where's my kid. LIGHTNING BOLT. I hate you all. Kenny, seen here giving a negative number of fucks. Rukia getting her contractually obligated five minutes of screen time ever other week. Oh hey, the main character exists. I'm a simple woman, I hear NUMBER ONE playing and I cheer and clap my hands like a trained seal. I hope the hoe squad dies painfully. What part of "main character" did you dumb bitches not understand? Remember folks, the hammer of justice is unisex. Credit where it's due, the shitty skeleton attack was pretty fun. Great job hoes you've killed each other. Hey look, he did a new thing. Thanks, fire dipshit! Oh no more new people I hate. Goddammit Ichigo you forgot to close the door. Lightbright Mayuri gets me every time. And then Renji was here to suck and fail. False alarm, there's some competent people here too. My blind ass would never have recognized anybody with that giant bugzapper light on. I mean, everybody's gonna die if he wins so might as well go out fighting. Oh shit, the show remembered Chad and Orihime exist. Did she borrow that shirt from a first grader? Exorcist- Eat a dick, Shima. Oh my god shut the fuck up nobody cares. So like, has nobody ever noticed that everyone who posts about going to this tourist trap is never seen again? Look I know humans suck in general but damn. I know this is gonna turn out to be some convoluted double-agent crap with Shima but we should just kill him. She's like 4'10 just pick her up like a sack of potatoes and go. Girl I don't know how well you're gonna pull off this Naruto cosplay. Fuck oooooff you pink sack of shit. And then he was eaten by the Smooze. Just wear the VR Furry helmet and you'll be fine. Why did her compatability even matter if you could brute force it like that? Whelp. she's dead. Priest dad, still too cool for us. It's beside the point, but her sister is adorable. And now the Rocky Horror lips are gonna shit-talk you. She died as she lived, being an unlikeable bitch to everyone. Izumo's heart grew three sizes that day. Fuuuuuuck oooooooooff. THANK YOU RIN, FINALLY. Oh god what the hell now. We got zombies falling outta the sky we gotta go now. CAT SUPPORT. Jesus christ quit being a bitch and get on the cat. Well that's not the worst Naruto cosplay I've ever seen. Hey, look whose shitty mom woke up. She'll save you through the power of interpretive dance. Charlie Brown weilding a goddamn lead pipe is unreasonably funny to me. Sorry kiddo your mom stole your cosplay. She died as she lived, dipping out on her family responsibilities. I'm sure this would be very moving if I cared about these characters at all. Oh my goooooooood shut up. Yeah I'm sure this is gonna go just great for you. Oh christ I think that's what gluttony turned into in the shitty FMA movie. Yay your pets are back. In a surprise twist I'm sure nobody saw coming, Shima's been playing both sides. And then the pets turned into fursuit spirits. Y'all should probably kill the shit out of that guy while you have the chance. Eat a dick, Shima. Hey, Shima's dipshit brother! Bad news guys, your little brother's a festering bag of cocks. I forgot Puppet Kid existex again. A happy ending for the most unlikeable main character in the series. Y'know what it's probably a good thing the kid has no memory of her early childhood. Yeah yeah cry it out can we move on now. I hope Shima likes his new life of babysitting the creepy doctor monster thing. One Piece- Law and Zoro are hot but not hot enough to make me watch filler.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got Tatum.

If I had the power to manifest my imagination I'd [censored for unfathomably foul content] until I passed out. Dan the Dan- We gotta save the mannequin. I love these idiot kids. Fall alarm on the balls. Okarun is suffering. Oh god why are you singing. Meanwhile, never mess with the Luigi board. Oh no, the mannequin! Fuck everything else, these dummies are my OTP. Oh no what's wrong with the himbo. The FUCK is that. I could go for some candy. Nut nut nut nut nut nut nut! Unexpected DEEZ NUTS got me. Okarun is trying his best. Of course Nessie's real and you can hire her on Uber. Awww they can be friends now. Well that volcano's definitely gonna blow up. STAIRS. Oh that's ominous. You two are so married and our dumbass should be happy for you. Momo you're about to get murdered in the hot springs. He's got ya there. Zero brain cells between them. Okay I'd like to get off this ride now please. Guys not now, there's shenanigans happening. There is gonna be some dead ghost monster hiding in a secret room ain't there. Plot twist the house is just full of asbestos. I need an adult. Hell of a cliffhanger to leave off on. Bleach- That's not a real name. This is gonna get real dumb real fast. Lady why would your ally be hiding from you, just for funsies? I'm just happy Yachiru gets to have fun. That's just Cousin Itt. Why are you killing your own allies you dumb bastard. I want that twink obliterated immediately. Your bones are now cookies. IMAGINAAAAATION. Hiiii Kenny. It's not like we might have needed the strongest healer in the army for an allout war or anything. Kenny could not give less of a fuck, buddy. Why yes, your power DOES seem like a bad joke! "What the hell is a cookie?" actually made me burst out laughing. Kenpachi is a gift this show doesn't deserve. And then suddenly, GUN. This is dumb as all hell but I'm genuinely having fun with a Bleach fight for the first time in who knows how long. Imagine that, dipshit. His greatest power, becoming two boring twinks. Kenny and Zoro should hang out. SPACE. He was beaten by the sheer force of Kenpachi's big dick energy. You're already dead, stop talking. Sure, this might as well happen. Exorcist- Can we watch creep doctor die yet? This dude's cute, I have no memory of who he is. Fuck off dude nobody likes you. Eat a dick, Shima. Oh right, now I remember this guy. That's not gonna stop him for using her as a lab rat, amigo. JUST DIE ALREADY. The fuck kind of plan is this? Thanks I hate it. Happy Halloween! RIP Charlie Brown, eaten by a Titan. At least he knows his place in the story. Great job you gave it your only weapon. Cat gonna cat. Now somebody feed that cat. Meanwhile Shiemi failing at her job. Okay I'm here for the random fucking BAZOOKA. Surprise, the giant zombie monsters were once human and we should pity them. Water waifu, go! Great job you gave it debilitating trauma. Stop showing me that ugly fucker! Oh hey Rin. On that day, humanity received a grim reminder. Let's make like a tree and fuck off. I forgot Puppet Kid existed again. Someone please kill him already. One Piece- Show I already told you, I'll be back when you get to Furry Island!

Having watched UBW, my strongest opinion is that Lancer is my boyfriend and we didn't deserve him.

Not the Seitz character whose cock I wanted to see, but that's on me for not being more specific. This looks like a blast.