Codename: Jackass

"I gotta have my coffee! Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee! XD" while drinking an extra large iced coffee beverage containing one shot of espresso, but plenty of sugar syrup, milk and whipped cream.

"Have you listened to Animal Collective?"

"I hate hipsters!" *is a hipster*

"Bernie would have won."

Start drinking on the job.

"I'm vegan"

"I love rap. Eminem and the Beastie Boys are my favorites."

"I drive a hybrid."

I'll have a Bud Light. My lady will have a Long Island Iced Tea.

You don't get paid to dick around on the internet.

"My very large diesel truck makes me feel better about having a small penis and cuckold fetish."

"I love all music except country and rap."

"I love spicy food" they say as they dig into some tex-mex from a chain restaurant. "I love spicy food" they say as they eat a two million Scoville Carolina Reaper.

Wanna see a picture of my cat?

Good

How do I pay off my $70,000 student debt with my visual arts degree?

Do you have any IPAs on tap?

TV

This is probably the worst one.

H-E-double hockey sticks

HIS NAME WAS GOOD HIS HANDS WERE CLEAN HE'D LAY DOWN AN ARCH IN HIS HEART A FRIEND YOU'D LOVE TO HAVE BUT OH WITH THIS POISON YOU COULD PUT HIM IN HIS BED YOU COULD MAKE HIS STOMACH BLEED BUT OH WITH THIS POISON YOU COULD KILL A MAN LIKE THAT YOU COULD SNAP HIM LIKE A REED

My calf locked up yesterday and woke me from a sound sleep and it's been sore ever since. Thanks Obama

NOT THE TITIS

COVERS THE BASEMENT AND THE ATTIC FLOOR KIDS ARE WITH HER MOTHER AND THERE ISN'T ANY OTHER SOUL TO SEE HER AS SHE'S COMING DOWN THE STAIRS