Is this where I post a sad rant?

[jackiemarie90]

I got a sad rant, just kinda like an incoherent babbling rant, not too much anger, but long and droning.

Was thinking of putting it in the thunderdome, but it really isn't angry, so I'm wondering if I should post here. Or is there somewhere else?

Edit: I'mma post it below, and I guest the post can move if it's in the wrong place. >__>

Edited October 6, 2022 by jackiemarie90

[jackiemarie90]

Awwww shit here we go again

I was kicked out almost a year ago, and still affects me deeply. It was so vicious, and no one wants to acknowledge how bad it was because they still have to live with the people as managers in their house. And don't want to see the people they live with as bad people. Ironically, I'm taking an American history class on Immigration law, and get to see the ins and outs of forceful removal and policies of exclusion. So also the laws that we deemed someone a "2nd class citizen" as a way to prevent them from interacting with society. And the parallels are incredibly triggering, but this is also the type of history I'm interested in. It makes me think how in history people cherish the rights gained of due process, where for 1000's of years humans came together as a collective, and realized the importance of someone being fairly heard and the ability to provide evidence was a sacred human right. And then reading about how quickly people created the process of "citizen" to deny people those rights to treat them harshly in their own social engineering. Or just how someone having mental illness was grounds to have someone forced out cities, and later nations. 

Many times, they blocked me out of discussions about me, prevented me from being present so lies could tell the story of me. I had to delete the people from social media who kicked me out. Because I knew they were not afraid of me, they were gathering "evidence" they could use on why I was a dangerous person. They were still holding meetings of the year, deciding if I could visit some friends there. The most recent, and final meeting was right when the semester started. Of course I was travelling during the year, and the people of the house grew closer, and when I came back, I lost a lot more friends. A lot of people telling me they were in the right, and my friends saying they don't trust me. You know what the last thing I want to hear from friends starting my new semester is? That they are afraid of me being too crazy, even though I never asked a single one to take me to the house. One friend who used to invite me, deadass said "I'm afraid you being around is going to mess with my popularity in the house". Again, I never asked them to invite me. I even told this friend early, do not advocate for me, because it is going where you down, and you are going to hate me for it. And here we are. 

People are just also assuming that I am trying to do anything to get into the house, and it's like, I could apply again if I wanted too, and haven't. Friends are literally telling me "FIND OTHER COMMUNITIES" and it's like, I'm not even trying to be apart of this one, I just wanted to go to a few dinners to see friends once in awhile, and I never even really asked that out of people. And the most triggering thing is, how much my friends don't believe in me. How much they are starting to believe that I am some kind of unstable threat, when I'm not even asking of things. How much they treat me like I am some kind of monster who has never even physically touched anyone. By degree certified therapists and psychiatrists, they only threat I am too, is myself. And it feels incredibly like shit starting a school semester not only knowing that you don't have a family, or strong social unit, but that no one really believes in you either. They don't think you are a capable person. And I am trying so fucking hard to put all my energy into school into school. The best thing that I read this week, from one of the my history readings, was an immigrant who became a citizen when there was an outright exclusion law against it, and he was "they don't want us here, but we are here living our lives in defiance". I like that my professors say I am good at finding the themes and being critical of historical biases. I want to put my energy into my academic career, where I can be in a stable situation where no one can decide my fate like that again. I just have to deal with people constantly doubting me, and forced isolation, when they are the ones projecting these things on me. /rant

[scoobdog]

People can't stop mind fucking you, can they?  Straight up bullshit.

[jackiemarie90]

On 10/6/2022 at 6:04 PM, scoobdog said:

People can't stop mind fucking you, can they?  Straight up bullshit.

I did mention to like 3 people that I feel like my whole experience is being gaslit on what was going on here. One dear friend took offense, then I framed the situation that I should be grateful for everything, and she realized that was the wrong mentality. Because I really have been harmed. It is so hard for people to acknowledge that they have immensely negatively affected someone, from housing, to their relationships, and people's way of just dealing with it is not acknowledging me at all. That would drive most insane. I'm isolating from my friends because of this behavior, but I am just getting so triggered the few times I do see them and their lack of empathy.

[NewBluntsworth]

On 10/6/2022 at 6:22 PM, jackiemarie90 said:

I just have to deal with people constantly doubting me, and forced isolation

I hope this isn't the case for too long. There's plenty of people around besides the jerks and people adjacent to the jerks in that house. It is sad and inconvenient that so many people who you can't be friends with because of cowardly human social dynamics are concentrated there, but there are many more out there who have nothing to do with those people. And they'd all be lucky to know you.

No reason you should be made to be in total isolation based on something that happened in one community almost a year ago, even if it is very close to home in every way. 

You're doing so great Jackie. I'm glad you're back from your world travels and doing what you originally set out to do before your life was sidetracked by those frightened, clueless and clumsy liberal college kids who don't know how to put any of their theories and ideals into action. 

Focusing on school is a good idea, you can rule at that and use it as a tool to get the material stability in your life that would be free and unconditional and not at the mercy of people such as them in a much less sick society than the one we unfortunately live in.

Remember that just because school is your focus, doesn't mean you have to do it in isolation. It's definitely good sometimes, but never good for a long time. You don't have to be alone, just because you're isolated from some. 

And when there's times no one else is around, you have a lot of people here who are always happy to see you posting.

[Vamped]

You're brown in the US, excel and fuck everybody else. In time, people worthy of being called friends will show up.