Things Characters From Toonami Co-Pros Recently Declared As Tax Write-Offs Wouldn't Say

[PokeNirvash]

Everyone has their own way of coping with loss. For me, when the loss is that of a show's legal availability through the network that produced it, I cope through writing. My own writing. So, to help me get over this unfortunate time, here's a sequel to a thing I wrote eleven months ago to mark the conclusion of one of the aforementioned write-offs, this time crossed over with another.

 

FENA: PIRATE PRINCESS IN AN INNACURATE NUTSHELL 2: SHENMUE BOOGALOO

[Fena and the Goblin Knights are sitting together in a bedroom Yukimaru is using to rest and recover. Awkward silence abounds.]
Karin: [beat] Let’s go to China!
[Fena and Karin board a not-so-swanky yacht and disembark.]

[Fena OP theme plays]

Karin: Goin’ to Hong Kong!
Fena: Is that Hong Kong?
[It’s actually Eden.]
Karin: No.
Fena: Is that Hong Kong?
[It’s Los Angeles, 2032 A.D.]
Karin: No.
Fena: [exasperated] Is that Hong Kong?
[It is, in fact, Hong Kong.]
Karin: Boo yah!

[Fena and Karin get off at the port and look around.]
Fena: This place is boring.
Karin: [points off to side] Hey, isn’t that Abel’s ship?
[It is, in fact, Abel’s ship.]
Fena: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!1!!1!!1!one!!1!

Abel: I’m in Hong Kong now.
Chai: Hello, Abel.
Abel: Hi, Chai. [stabs Chai in gut] Bye, Chai.

[Meanwhile, at the Hazuki residence…]
Lan Di: Hello, I’m Chinese Bruce Lee Capone. Give me the thing.
Iwao: No.
Lan Di: Give me the thing.
Iwao: No.
Lan Di: I’ll kill your son.
[Lan Di scars Ryo’s face. Ryo grunts angstily.]
Iwao: Here. [hands over the Dragon Mirror]
Lan Di: Good. Time to die.
Iwao: But the thing!
[Lan Di kills Iwao with one strike.]
Lan Di: Now kill his kid.
Karin: Oh no you don’t! [shoots down Lan Di’s goons]
Fena: Quack!
[Karin and Fena grab Ryo and run off.]
Lan Di: What the Oriental fu-?

Fena: I think we’re in the clear!
[They aren’t. Dou Niu’s now chasing after them.]
Fena: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!1!1!1!1!one1!!!
Karin: Use your shotgun!
Fena: I do have that… Eat gunpowder!
[Fena shoots at Dou Niu and gets blown back as usual. Luckily, it hits Dou Niu in the arm.]
Dou Niu: Agh, bitch!
[And then Karin shoots him in the knee.]
Dou Niu: Agh, double bitch! [collapses]
Abel: [walks up to Dou Niu] Hello there, Chubs McKenzie. Any last words before I kill you?
Dou Niu: I have a thick… meaty… penis.
[Abel blankly stares at Dou Niu, then stabs him. Once he’s assured down, he starts retching.]

[Meanwhile, back in Hong Kong…]
Fena: We’re alive!
Karin: But they have the thing!
Fena: We have a thing!
Ryo: My name is…
Fena: Shenmue!
[Shenmue OP theme plays]
Ryo: My father is dead!

[Meanwhile, at Lan Di’s lair…]
Lan Di: Dou Niu’s dead?
Yuan: Hmm…
Lan Di: Abel Bluefield? Get him!
Yuan: Mmmm~!

[Meanwhile, at Wong’s houseboat…]
Karin: We’re staying here. Fena, look after Ryo.
Ryo: [gives Fena bedroom eyes] Hey.
Karin: Kaede and Enju, do not do anything for this entire trip.
[Kaede and Enju silently stare at Karin, then nod in unison.]
Karin: Good!

[Meanwhile, at the Yellowheads Building…]
Abel: Found me a thing… [holds up Phoenix Mirror, then stashes it in his coat] Time to get more things.
[Abel starts to head down the hall, only to bump shoulders with Yuan.]
Abel: Oh hey, it’s the gay one.
Yuan: Maybe I’m gay, or maybe you’re just a homophobe! [enters a flamboyant stance] MmmmmmBUSSY!
Abel: Oh no!
[Abel gets taken down by Yuan in one strike. Next thing he knows, he’s tied to a chair in a torture chamber. The sexy kind.]

[Meanwhile, at the Manmo Temple…]
Karin: So who are you?
Xiuying: I am Lishao Tao.
Karin: Oh, okay, well-
Xiuying: But you may also call me Xiuying Hong, Izumi Curtis, Ozen the Immovable, General Esdeath, Kekko Kamen…
Fangmei: Just take the thing, she’ll be at this for a while.
[Fangmei hands Karin an ancient scroll explaining how the Mirrors work.]
Karin: Woo-hoo!

[Abel’s still tied to the chair, his jacket discarded and flesh spongy and bruised. Yuan stares at him before leaving the room.]
Yuan: Mmm~.
[Yuan leaves, only for the Yellowheads Building to be rocked moments later by a loud crash from Lan Di’s lair.]
Yuan: Hnnng!
Abel: GRAB THE THING!
[Abel frisbees the Dragon Mirror off the lair balcony and over towards the port, maniacally laughing as he jumps out the window in the same direction.]

[Meanwhile, at Wong’s houseboat…]
Karin: I got a thing! [holds up scroll] Where’s Fena?
[Abel emerges from the water onto the deck. Kaede and Enju start screaming in fear.]
Yuan: Mmm~.
[Yuan starts strutting down the deck from the opposite end, entering his flamboyant stance from before. As he rushes in to strike, Abel stabs him in the gut then throws him off the deck and into the water. He then catches the Dragon Mirror as it frisbees in his direction, resumes his maniacal laugh, and starts running back towards the Yellowheads Building.
Kaede: AAAAAAaaaaa but seriously, where is Fena?
Enju: [shrugs]

[Fena’s over at the Yellowheads Building, holding Abel’s coat which he left behind earlier. She looks up to see him rushing at her.]
Fena: Oh hi Abel-hrrng!
[Abel bonks Fena in the head then steals his coat, running away while continuing to maniacally laugh.]
Fena: Still got his thing… [holds up the Phoenix Mirror]
[After running far enough that Fena’s out of sight, Abel stops in his tracks, his laugh dying down as he searches his coat pockets. The Phoenix Mirror isn’t in any of them.]
Abel: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!
[Luckily, Fena managed to escape the Yellowheads Building in the nick of time.]

[Meanwhile, in Lan Di’s ransacked lair…]
Lan Di: Yuan’s dead?
Lan Di’s Goon: Yuan’s dead.
Lan Di: Fuck. Call the Kunoichi.
Lan Di’s Goon: ‘Kay. [leaves room]
Lan Di: Seriously, though. What is today?

[Meanwhile, at the Manmo Temple…]
Xiuying: …Diana Kuroha Shiratori, Luxandra Frail, or simply Sakaki. [notices Fena standing in front of her] Oh, hello.
Fena: Why am I here?
Ryo: Why am I here!?
Xiuying: Power up!
[Xiuying spars with Fena, winning the move with a normally lethal strike paused in the nick of time.]
Fena: Will this actually matter?
Xiuying: Probably not.

[Just as Fena and Ryo are leaving, Abel shows up.]
Abel: Hey, guys, you remind me of some vermin I’m gonna kill!
[Fena whimpers, while Ryo enters a battle stance.]
Abel: But there’s no time for that, because the Kunoichi are coming!
Ryo: Wait what-?
Abel: Right now!
[The wind shifts, and the Kinky Kunoichi appear before the trio.]
Long-Haired Kunoichi: Nawa!
Ponytailed Kunoichi: Tazuna!
Twintailed Kunoichi: Fuji!
Nawa: And together we are…
All Three: The Kinky Kunoich-!
[Suddenly another not-so-swanky yacht flies through the walls of the Manmo Temple, landing on the Kunoichi. By the time it crashes, the trio are somehow bound and jam-gagged like their typical victims are. Oh, and also…]
Yukimaru: Hey guys, I made it…
Fena: Yukimaru’s ship took out the Kunoichi!
[Yukimaru then passes out.]
Fena: Aaaaaaand he’s out of commission, what are the odds?
Abel: Put him in… the bed.
[Dramatic sting.]

[Suddenly, Yukimaru’s lying on Xiuying’s couch, because the bed is off-limits.]
Yukimaru: I wonder if this will become a trend…
[Outside Xiuying’s room…]
Fena: Hey, where’s Lan Di?

[Lan Di is at Ren’s hideout. He has just kneed Ren in the stomach.]
Ren: Gah, my sexy abs!

[Meanwhile, Fena is passing the time singing karaoke in Xiuying’s living room. The current song is “Don’t Lose Your Way” from the Kill la Kill soundtrack.]
Fena: I GOTTA FIND OUT WHO KILLED MY DAD~!
Ryo: That’s not good! This song’s never been good! It’s always gonna be overrated garbage!
Abel: [hands Fena the Dragon and Phoenix Mirrors] Take these mirrors, I’m going to nap.

[Later on, Karin shows up. Fena and Ryo go out to greet her.]
Fena: Hey Karin, I’ve got the things, you wanna do the thing?
Karin: Sure, but when did Ryo get here?
Ryo: [bedroom eyes activate] Hey.

[The trio enter an underground corridor, where they place the Mirrors in the appropriate locations and, through the power of ritual, summon an ancient Chinese genie… or something.]
Fena: So what are we supposed to-
Karin: Cure Shitan’s sexism!
Shitan: Yeah!
Karin: And bring him to Hong Kong!
Shitan: NOOOOOOO- [poof!]

Shitan: [poof!]-OOOOOOOO!
[Shitan finds himself on a CGI character-populated sidewalk somewhere in Hong Kong. Within his immediate sights, he sees Joy, standing by her parked motorcycle.]
Joy: Hi~.
Shitan: Hello?
Joy: You wanna see something cool?
Shitan: Eh, why not?
[They go to a hotel and bang. Shitan moans in ecstasy.]

[Meanwhile, in the underground corridor…]
Karin: And for our last wish…!
Abel: You’ll bring by beloved Helena back from the grave… [grabs Ryo by the collar] …or I’ll murder his father!
Ryo: Joke’s on you…
[Suddenly, the genie freezes in midair, then disappears all of a sudden. The lights go out in the corridor and the mirrors fall out of their holding places.]
Abel: …Wait, am I a simp again?
Lan Di: I dunno, let’s see.
Karin: Hoo-hoo, he’s pissed!

[The fight moves outside.]
Abel: I’m not afraid of you!
[Lan Di takes off part of his robes and is now shirtless.]
Lan Di: How about now?
Karin: Heh. I’m horny.
[Lan Di rushes over to Karin and ora ora’s her with his martial arts skills. He finishes off by kicking her aside, then flipping off the others.]
Lan Di: All right, who’s next?
[Not a second after finishing his question, an arrow comes straight at Lan Di. He dodges at the last second, but only serious injury; the arrow still grazes his arm, drawing blood.]
Shitan: [lowers reject bow] I’m a boyfriend now.
Joy: ‘Sup.
Fena: Karin, no!
Karin: I’m okay!
Fena: What? How?
Ryo: [holds up first aid kit, bedroom eyes included] Hey.
[Lan Di suddenly strikes Ryo down with the same move that killed his father. Lan Di is also now completely naked.]
Lan Di: And this is my fourth and final stance.
Karin: [blushing] W-What happened to the third stance?
Abel: I don’t care what happens, because I have the Shari-hnng!
[Lan Di strikes down Abel in two blows, then holds him up in a standing submission hold.]
Abel: No, Lan Di-dono, yamete…
Lan Di: I’m sorry, what were you on about before?
Abel: I have the Sharing-guh!
[Lan Di punches him with his free hand.]
Lan Di: Apologies, still can’t make it out.
Abel: I’ve got the Sharingahhhh…
[Lan Di throws him into the wall and grabs him, preparing a finishing strike.]
Lan Di: And now to finish the-
Yukimaru: Hey! [steps forward] Let that Abel alone!
Lan Di: And what the hell is he?
Abel: He’s a Goblin Knighhhh…Hnn!
[Lan Di strikes Abel in the chest, killing him instantly.]
Yukimaru: Oh no, you ki-
Abel: [coughs up blood]
[Almost instantly.]
Yukimaru: …killed Abel! You are so decked!
[Yukimaru rushes Lan Di, engaging him in battle.]

[Meanwhile, at Ren’s hideout…]
Wong: Hey Ren, can you teach me how to-
Ren: No. [rubs his injured sexy abs]

[Meanwhile, outside the Manmo Temple, Lan Di, knocks Yukimaru to the ground after yet another failed sword swing.]
Yukimaru: [stands up] Dammit, nothing’s worked. Better use that thing that always works. [readies his Bankai]
Lan Di: Stop it.
Yukimaru: No.
Lan Di: Stop it.
Yukimaru: No!
Lan Di: Stop. It!
Yukimaru: [blows raspberry]
Lan Di: That’s it, stopping it myself.
[Lan Di prepares his killing move, but just as he thrusts forward to use it, Yukimaru rushes ahead as well.]
Lan Di: What the!?
Yukimaru: BANKAI!!
Lan Di: Eep.
[Yukimaru then slices off Lan Di’s dick in an epic finisher.]

[Later…]
Fena: Yukimaru, you won!!
Yukimaru: And we didn’t even lose Kari-
[Karin gets one-shotted suddenly, down and out.]
Fena: Ah, swizzlesticks.
Lan Di: [wickedly grinning] JK, not dead, LOL.
[Lan Di then one-shots Joy.]
Joy: Gah, right in the tit! [collapses]
Shitan: J-Joy… Why… didn’t… you… DOOOOOOOOOODGE!? [screams towards sky]
Yukimaru: [grits teeth] This… rustles my… jimmies…
[Yukimaru then screams towards the sky. But unlike Shitan, his hair turns blonde as a result. All Fena can do now is stare in shock.]
Yukimaru: Take Shitan and Joy and leave.
Fena: ‘Kay…
Lan Di: Okay, so what’s going on here?
Yukimaru: I AM THE SUPER SANADA!!!
[Yukimaru slices Lan Di in the face, giving him a similar scar to what he gave Ryo.]
Lan Di: Gah! Prick…!
[Lan Di rushes towards Yukimaru with a punch to the stomach. Not a martial arts move this time, just a straight-up knuckle sandwich.]
Yukimaru: Uh… whoops?
[Yukimaru gets punches, sending him flying towards the Yellowheads Building.]

[Meanwhile, back on Goblin Island…]
Yukihisa: Well, Yukimaru’s dead.
Kei: Really?
Yukihisa: Probably not.
Makuba: Master Yukihisa, we have the thing. [presents him with the Eden stone]
Yukihisa: Do the thing!

[Lan Di arrives at the Yellowheads Building rooftop, to find Yukimaru still standing.]
Lan Di: Well, that didn’t quite work like I… wait, is that a genie?
[The genie from earlier has reformed.]
Yukimaru: Yeah.
Lan Di: …Bye.
Yukimaru: Wait!
[Lan Di approaches the genie, pointing at him.]
Lan Di: Hand over the Mirrors right this instant!
[The genie is actually Fena’s dad.]
Franz: FUCK YOU, I’M FROM EDEN!
[Just then, everyone relevant starts disappearing across Hong Kong. Fena, Shitan, Joy, Ren, Wong, Xiuying, Fangmei…]
Abel: [draws sword] And I’m here to- [poof!]
Lan Di: What the goddamn shit just happened?
Ryo: [smugly grins, eyes no longer bedroom] Hey.
[Ryo strokes his scar, because that’s what Ryo does, then poofs away like the rest.]
Lan Di: You fucked me! You fucked me, you monkey fuck!!
Yukimaru: Well I’ll be an IGPX scriptwriter’s uncle.
[Lan Di grits his teeth, then bear hugs Yukimaru from behind with intent to kill.]
Yukimaru: No, Lan Di-dono, yamete!

[Meanwhile, on Eden…]
Joy: Welp, I’m confused.
Fena: It looks like my dad brought every person in Hong Kong to Eden!
Cody: All of them?
Yu Suzuki: Hey, guys. Shenmue season 2 is cancelled forever.
Wong: Do you have any last words, sir?
Yu Suzuki: Only three… Fuck… David… Zaslav…
[Suzuki vanishes into thin air, leaving almost everyone even more confused than they already were.]
Ren: Heh. We’ll be missed.

[Meanwhile, in Hong Kong, Yukimaru and Lan Di trade one last set of blows. Lan Di catches his breath upon pulling back, while Yukimaru has hardly broken a sweat.]
Yukimaru: I’m bored. See ya.
Lan Di: What!? Get back here! [enters familiar stance] Dragon of the Darkness Flame!!
[Yukimaru draws his sword one last time and, without looking behind him, slices Lan Di in two.]
Lan Di: How…!?I
[Lan Di’s upper half falls to the ground. Only then does Yukimaru look back.]
Yukimaru: So… which way’s your helicopter?
Lan Di: [weakly points forward] That way…

[Yukimaru boards Lan Di’s escape chopper and flies away from the Yellowheads Building. About a minute into flight, a look of realization comes upon his face.]
Yukimaru: Wait… I don’t actually know how to fly this thing, do I?
[The escape chopper then falters in its flight path, hits a nearby building, and explodes]

[Shenmue ED theme plays. As it does, the O’Malley Pirates, all eight of them, watch the credits from inside their swanky pirate ship. Their expressions are a mix of disbelief and dissatisfaction. O’Malley herself is the most dissatisfied of all, pointing her remote at the TV and moving it in the direction of an onscreen button below the video player…]
O’Malley: Aaaaaaaaaand unsubscribed.

 

 

[with apologies to team four star]

Edited September 29, 2022 by PokeNirvash

[PokeNirvash]

And here's a link to the original.

https://unevenedge.com/topic/57250-fena-pirate-princess-marathon-discussion/

 

Edited September 29, 2022 by PokeNirvash

[Chapinator_X]

Ryo: Hey Toonami-san.

Toonami: Hiiiii Ryooooo!

Ryo: Where can I find Season 2 of Shenmue?

Toonami: Season 2!? I’m sorry, Ryo. We tossed it out! Something about some Zaslav guy writing off the show for tax reasons.

Ryo: I see…

Toonami: He gave your Shenmue money to another season of Fixer Upper.

Ryo: Do you know where can I find this man?