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Chapter 1 - X-Men vs. Aliens vs. Preator: Starring covered_in_sponges; Act 1

It was a brisk day in late August; there was a slight chill in the breeze which rustled though the foliage around campus. The trees were still full and green from the lush summer which was now drawing to a close. Charles Xavier wheeled through the open courtyard of the academy, admiring the beautiful weather while it lasted. As he and his thoughts meandered, both were struck by a shaft of light which glowed through the boughs of the large white oak tree which stood before him. In the fire of the midafternoon sun, the jade-green opalescence which shown through the leaves revealed tinges of darker hues; a portent of the autumnal change to come.

 

With this thought, Xavier sighed and turned back towards his office. A new semester was about to begin, and with it came a host of new challenges. Poor bastard had no idea.

 

“Good afternoon Professor,” said Jean Grey as he wheeled past the room in which she was preparing her fist weeks’ worth of lectures.

 

“Good afternoon, Jean” he said as he stopped in the hallway. “I trust you’re doing well?”

 

“Of course Professor, just putting the final touches on my presentation on mutations throughout earth’s evolutionary history. There’s a good chance I’ll be putting a few students to sleep with this one.” She quipped as she added a piece of clip art to the power point she was working on.

 

Xavier chuckled as he quipped back, “I’ll have to make sure not to schedule your class after lunch then.”

 

“By the way,” remarked Jean, “On my way back from the teacher’s lounge I ran into a young man who was looking for your office, said he had an appointment with you. “

 

“I don’t remember making an appointment for today,” said Xavier as he shrugged and wheeled off towards his office.

 

=====

 

“Yeah… I kinda didn’t make an appointment.” I said as Xavier wheeled into the room. “I mean, I could have, that goes without saying… I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise, I guess? You want me to start over, I get an appointment, yeah, I could totally do that. But I mean that could kind of screw up the narrative flow, you know what I mean?”

 

Xavier stared back at me entirely unsure. “I’m sorry, can I have your name please?”

 

“Sponges,” I replied. “Just call me sponges.”

 

“Mr. Sponges then,” replied Xavier. “How is it that I can help you today?”

 

“Hmmm…” I replied. “I’m not sure how to put this delicately. You know, you practice it and you practice it and then when the time comes, the words just don’t come to you…”

 

“Oh god, I’m not your father am I?” gasped Xavier.

 

“What? No, hell no.” I replied quickly. “My father is in Wisconsin and works on a potato farm. You ain’t my daddy.”

 

“Well then who are you?” Xavier demanded. He attempted to probe me with his mind but I decided not to let him.

 

“You probably don’t want to do that man, just chill all right? This is why I’m trying to be delicate about the whole thing.” I said as he ramped up his psychic defenses. “Come on man, you’re going to give yourself an aneurysm, just relax.”

 

“Tell me who you are.” He said through gritted teeth.

 

“Promise you won’t freak out?” I said. “Ok, here goes. I’m kind of like… god? You know? Not the Jesus one or the Bhudda one, but like, the everything one?”

 

“What do you mean?” he said as he finally began to relax. Well, I made him relax. Seriously, dude’s eyeballs were popping out. Felt bad for him.

 

“Ok, listen,” I said. “Shit’s about to get heavy. How much do you know about quantum mechanics?”

 

“Well, I sent my consciousness back in time to talk to a younger version of myself for a short while, if that counts for anything. Logan went back for even longer.”

 

“Oh yeah, I saw that. Everybody did. Good movie. This is going a lot further than that though.” Xavier gave me a strange look as I leaned back in the chair and began my explanation.

 

“Ok, so… there are an infinite number of parallel universes out there. I don’t mean a bunch of them; I mean an infinite number of them. You see that window there?” I said as I pointed to the window which faced the open courtyard. “There is a universe where that window is two inches wider. Not only that,” I paused for dramatic effect, “there is a universe where that window is two and a half inches wider. And another universe for every single molecule in between. And that’s only one variable on one window. Infinity is truly infinite.”

 

Charles Xavier gave a slow nod. “Yes I’m familiar with that theory and those are all interesting implications…”

 

The space where I had been became a void; a black empty nothingness in the shape of me; my voice echoed out from the walls.

 

“I have the ability… to traverse… the multiverse. I am here… because I have chosen to be here. You are here… because I have chosen you to be here. Earth is here… because I have chosen it to be here. Do you see… this is all of my will.”

 

I faded back into our shared reality as Xavier stared intently at me from across the desk. “Again, those are amazing claims, but all I have seen thus far could be accomplished through far less astounding means…”

 

“Take my hand,” I said to the Professor as I reached out across the desk. “Humor me.” I said as he hesitantly put his hand in mine.

 

At once, the office we had been seated in was gone, replaced instead with the white sand and orange hues of a tropical beach at sunset I turned to see Xavier frowning as the wheels of his chair sunk into the loose sand.

 

“You could take us anywhere on earth, and you choose a beach.” He remarked angrily.

 

“Don’t worry,” I said, “the lobster will be along shortly.” As I spoke, a fifteen foot long lobster emerged from the surf and began to scuttle towards us. Using its massive pincers as gently as possible, it lifted Xavier from his chair and placed him atop its back. He was of course, quite unnerved by the experience.

 

“Come, there’s something I want you to see” I stated as I began walking towards the tree line, the massive lobster scuttling behind with a visibly perplexed Charles Xavier holding on to the top of its shell.

As we approached the forest the sounds of the Baja Men’s “Who let the dogs out” drifted down towards us through the trees. As we came to the foot of the first outcropping of palms, I stopped and instructed the professor to examine the tree. I followed his gaze up the long trunk to the fronds, where his view lingered, mouth agape.

 

Nestled among the fronds where coconuts should have been, were a tangle of what appeared to be blue plant-like tubes; and on the sides of these tubes at regular intervals were round white protrusions which seemed to stretch the skin around them. The tube ruptures as we watched and an egg the size of a fist fell to the beach below. We turned our attention to the little cream white spheroid as it began to rock. A small crack appeared at the top as the being inside attempted to break through.

 

“Sorry, I’m impatient.” I said as I picked the egg up and began removing the shell. I removed enough to reach my hand inside and pull out the newborn; it was a bundle of Mcdonalds French fries wrapped in barbed wire. “Be free, little one” I said as I placed the bundle on the ground and it began to burrow into the moist beach soil.

 

The wind picked up, and with it came the sound of the Baja Men. It was then that Xavier realized that the sound of the wind was the Baja Men. Thunder struck in the distance as a sudden monsoon came over the island; a dense rain of miniature ponies fell from the sky.

 

“I think I want to go home now.” As he said it, it became; the beach was once again replaced by the familiar sights and sounds of his office. We were once again sitting across the desk from each other. His face looked ashen. “I think I need some tea.” He said finally.

 

“I think you need something stronger than tea.” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out some illegal substances. I handed it to him across the table and he took a long drag. And then another two or three for good measure.

 

“What now?” he said.

 

“Well a little bit more mind blowing before we get to the real meat of the issue…” I began to say. He chortled and coughed up a bit of smoke as he cut me off:

 

“This… That? That wasn’t the meat of the issue? You mean there’s more?”

 

“Oh, there’s a lot more, hopefully. You see, I’ve got plans for this universe… Big plans.”

 

“Ooooh fvvvvck.” Xavier said slowly as he exhaled a large cloud of smoke. “That doesn’t sound good. Never does.”

 

“Yeah… shit’s about to hit the fan pretty soon here, sorry about that.” I shrugged. “If it makes you feel any better it’s going to be really exciting.”

 

“It kind of doesn’t.” said Xavier as he leaned back in his wheelchair. “So, a mutant uprising, another genocide attempt, robots taking over again… what’s it going to be this time?”

 

“Well, that would kind of ruin the surprise, I think. But shit’s going to get all kinds of fvcked up in here. We’re talking a strong R-rating; there’s gonna be death, dismemberment, probably a lot of swearing, just general all around adults only entertainment. I mean, I’m going to be honest, I’m going to be really disappointed if someone hasn’t had sex with a dinosaur by the time we’re all said and done here.” I was grinning from ear to ear as Professor Xavier stared back at me.

 

“Ah who am I kidding,” I continued. “Of course someone’s having sex with a dinosaur.”

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Chapter 2 - Act 2- The continuation of act 1

Charles Xavier continued to stare back at me with a look that can only be described as a mixture of profound disbelief, resigned anger, passive resistance, and some fairly dank illegal substances. It’s hard to describe, but this is Patrick Stewart we’re talking about here; he can pull it off. The sudden tremolo emitted by the phone on his desk cut into his concentration, but only momentarily. The phone rang again as he turned his attention back towards me.

 

“You uh… you gonna answer that phone there big guy? It’s probably important.” I said as I gestured towards it. Xavier however continued to stare me down.

 

“What happens if I don’t?” he asked me, his eyebrows raised.

 

“Well then I’ll have to find some other way to move this plot along.” I leaned over in my chair, “Or, if you feel like being a contradictory dick about it, they can just call back and we can argue philosophy for like half an hour. Your call, old man.”

 

“So I still have free will?” the Professor queried.

 

“God fvcking damnit, are we really going to do this?” The phone fell silent. “Listen- nothing against a good philosophical debate, but we’re dealing with some short attention spans here; my own included. Now, not to spoil anything for you, but I really hyped some stuff up in the opening parts and if I never get to it because I’m sitting here arguing philosophy with a stoned old man… Well that would just be a massive waste, don’t you think?”

 

“Humor me.” Xavier replied. “Do I have free will?”

 

“Godfvckingdamnit” I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. “No, your reality is a work of fiction created by people in my universe; first as a comic book, then as a series of movies, and currently as a shitty piece of fan fiction written by myself starring myself. Mostly… for myself… god damn that’s sad. ”

 

Charles Xavier stared back at me, his mouth wide open in disbelief.

 

“Oh for fvck’s sakes man, does it feel like you have free will? Well then as far as you’re concerned you have it, why do you have to make it so complicated? I mean yes, everything that’s going to happen is ‘going to happen,’ but you have to realize when I say ‘everything’ I mean literally ‘everything.’ You exist, this is real, as real as everything else, I assure you.” That answer seemed to calm him enough for him to regain his composure. “What else you got?” I asked.

 

He looked down in deep contemplation, choosing his words carefully. Finally he looked back to me.

 

“Schrödinger’s cat…” he began “Existed in a quantum state between life and nonlife because it was unobservable.” He looked down briefly before continuing. “The same could theoretically be said for that… place… you took me to; that it may not have existed until we were there to observe it.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “The same could theoretically be said of this place” he said as he gestured to the solid walls of his office. “You say I exist; but is that existence independent of your observation?”

 

“Wow professor, you’re really making me pull deep into my bag of tricks with this one. All right, let me answer your question with another question.” Taking the form of that cool black void thing that talks through walls, I continued: “I just spent five years in the universe where batman was real… Did you notice?”

 

He shook his head as I faded back into his reality.

 

“Well you’re going to poop yourself exactly five years from now when I fade in and ask you the same question. The answer is; it doesn’t matter. Ok, here’s another one for you to chew on Charles; think of it as a Charleston chew (I’m totally getting ad revenue you guys). Do you remember when we were sitting here talking before I took you to that crazy island? Do you think I brought you back to the same universe? Is the grass green here, or is it made of spiders? Oh god, did I bring you to the universe where the grass is made of spiders? I mean, it’s a possibility until you look out that window and confirm that it isn’t, right?”

 

Charles quickly wheeled over to the window and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the same courtyard in the late august afternoon that he had left only an hour before; entirely bereft of spiders on the lawn.

 

“You’re just paranoid man, seriously, calm down.” I said from my chair. “Although as long as you’re over there, you might want to measure that window- it could be 2.463 repeating inches wider. You never know. That’s the thing Charles, how many times do you think I’ve come and gone from this universe since the time our discussion began? Do you think I have to do that void thing every time I switch a universe? No, I just do it because it looks fvcking rad. Do you think you’re the same Charles Xavier I was talking to 30 seconds ago? You’re not- I switched universes just to prove a point. Do you think you’re the same Charles Xavier you were when I promised you had free will? You see where that got us? Yeah you lost that privilege, that’s for sure.”

 

Charles Xavier was currently sitting by the window hyperventilating.

 

“I’m just fvcking with you man, Jesus; take a goddamn chill pill or some shit. It’s all good; I promise.”

 

His breathing slowed as he regained composure He took a final deep breath and turned his attention back from the window to me.

 

“I have a final question,” he began. “Actually, it’s more of a request. “I’m reminded of the quote by the philosopher Epicurus: ‘Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?’” He took a breath before continuing. “If you can truly do anything, why don’t you? So many injustices occur daily, and you have the power to stop every single one. Shouldn’t it be your obligation to stop them? With that much power, surely there comes great-“

 

“Hey- hey now, we’ll have none of that here.” I interjected. “Spider man is not welcome until he proves to me he can clean up his act. I mean seriously, did you see Electro? All eels and dubstep. Anyways, as you were saying; as long windedly as possible, might I add, you want me to just snap my fingers and fix everything, right?”

 

“Well, it’d be nice of you,” said Charles with a slow nod. “I mean, if you can, then why not?”

 

“All right, fine then, whatever. Pow! The world is a paradise.  No more greed or hunger, all that John Lennon bullshit. Hooray. Satisfied?” I asked.

 

“Are you just fvcking with me again?” asked Charles Xavier.

 

I sighed and facepalmed.

 

“I’m as serious about this as I have been about everything thus far in our entire conversation. Now will you please answer that fvcking phone?”

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Chapter 3 - Act 3- Things finally start happening.

We both stared down at the phone on the desk, which presently sat silently.

 

“Hang on, sometimes it takes a bit,” I said as we waited for the ring. “Nah, I’m just messing with you again,” I said and the ringing began. “Put it on speaker.”

 

Charles hit a button on the telephone console. “Hello?” he began “To whom am I speaking?”

 

“Yeah hey this is Deadpool; I ah... heard someone over there was having sex with dinosaurs, and uh… well that’s the kind of thing you kind of have to see to believe. Like one of those Mexican donkey shows. Also, word of advice, never buy churros from an establishment that runs one of those things. I mean yeah, it’s convenient because they’re right there, but they seriously skimp on the cinnamon. Not worth the price.”

 

“Well Mr. Wilson I’m afraid you’ve been misinformed;” Charles began, “No one is having sex with a dinosaur-“

 

“Yet!” I interjected. “Hello Mr. Pool, would you like me to sign you up for the first round?”

 

“Tempting,” said Deadpool over the phone, “Unfortunately it looks like I’m going to be up to my nuts in a whole other form of bullshit for the foreseeable future. That’s actually kind of why I called”

 

“It’s starting!” I said under my breath to Charles as I sat up in my chair, “I’m so excited!”

 

“What is it Mr. Wilson?” asked Charles while eyeing me suspiciously “Have you reconsidered our offer to join?”

 

“Even better!” continued Wade “I’mma get straight-up paid!”

 

“A while back, a friend of a friend referred me to this really stand-up organization that’s launching a research expedition to Antarctica; see they’ve been looking for some hired muscle just to you know, keep the perimeter and all that, real easy work, you know? Only the thing is, they’re fvcking making it rain like P. Diddy in the Champaign room over here. I mean we’re talking a flat rate contract for the job, plus hourly, plus a sign on bonus- and here’s where you come in; a fvcking sweet referral bonus. Seriously, I just about double my earnings by signing you all up.”

 

“Wade, we’re not going to Antarctica,” began Charles, the frustration in his voice evident. “First off, a new semester is starting in a few days, and I’m not pulling out half my teachers for a trip around the world.”

 

“Oh come one,” pleaded Deadpool, “That’s what they make substitute teachers for! You’re friend Sponges there probably already has a bunch of them on the way!”

 

Xavier looked at me and I nodded. He sighed again.

 

“Listen Wade, I think there’s going to be a lot more to this than what it seems.” He cautioned.

 

“Oh come on Professor, it’s Antarctica. I saw it on the Discovery Channel, it’s mostly just penguins. Or wait, was that the Disney Channel?”

 

“Wade…” Professor X interjected.

 

“Ok, so when I said stand-up organization I kind of meant really shady corporate entity, and apart from the fluffy adorable penguins, there may be a few mercenaries from competing corporations and stuff like that we may need to take out, but I promise that’s mostly it. Mostly. But hey, that’s even more of a reason for you to be here, right? Keep an eye on things? Come on Chuck… what do you say?” Deadpool finished his pitch and fell silent for a moment.

 

“Does he know what’s going on here?” Xavier asked as he turned to me and pointed down towards the phone.

 

“Mostly.” I replied. Charles Xavier let out a long sigh.

 

“All right, we’re heading to the X-Jet now. Go ahead and send us the coordinates. Goodbye Mr. Wilson.” With that, Xavier hung up the phone and looked back at me.

 

“I think I’m going to need more illegal substances,” he said.

 

=====

 

The X-Jet cut silently through the night as we made our way towards the secret base camp on the coast of Antarctica. I was absolutely thrilled to be there, and grinning like a jackass. Across from me sat Wolverine, staring at me with a troubled expression on his face.

 

“What’s your story kid?” he asked me finally.

 

‘Well, I’m kind of like, an interdimensional entity that can pretty much do anything I want.” I said as I produced a plate of hot wings from the air and offered it to him. “There’s ranch, too.” I said as I pointed to a bottle of dressing I had materialized floating in the air next to him.

 

“Hmh,” he grunted as helped himself to a wing or two “That sounds like a fun power to have” He sat back in his chair and began eating. I materialized some napkins for him as well.

 

“You see that Charles?” I shouted up to the Professor in the cockpit. “You see what happens when you’re cool about everything? You get hot wings.” Without turning around, he reached his hand up and extended his middle finger in my direction. “Aww don’t be like that man, come on. Yeah whatever.” I said as I returned the bird.

 

Apart from myself, Logan and Xavier, the cabin of the X-Jet was populated by a full squadron of X-Men. Rogue, who was sitting next to Logan was also enjoying the hot wings. Next to myself there sat Beast, who declined the offer. Next to him sat Jean and next to her was of course Cyclops; who was presently leaning over to whisper something in Jean’s ear.

 

“Talk about a Mary-Sue” he said with a soft chuckle.

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Summers, is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class?” I said to him as he blushed and shrunk back in his seat. “Yeah that’s what I thought.”

 

“No, you know what?” he said as he began to unbuckle his harness and stand, Jean Grey making a futile effort to restrain him as he did so. “No, I’m going to say something, Jean,” he said as he rose and pointed his finger at me. “You are a Mary Sue if I’ve ever seen one. You just show up out of nowhere one day, and say you can do everything. That’s not how it works. Some of us have spent our entire lives attempting to understand and control our powers…”

 

“Oh for the love of god Scott, get over yourself. Not everything is about how much you suck. Just calm down and lets all enjoy this little adventure, OK? That’s literally all I’m asking.” Scott started towards me but the jet hit some turbulence and he stumbled face first into Beast’s crotch. He stood up again angrier than before. “Ok, fine, be an asshole about it. You have the count of three to sit down, or I’ll shrink your manbits an inch.”

 

“Oh ho, you should do it,” said Wolverine grinning, wing sauce staining the corners of his mouth. Jean Grey looked horrified by the idea and had by this point unbuckled herself and was pulling Scott back to his chair.

 

“This isn’t over,” he said as Jean grey quickly buckled him in and made apologetic gestures towards me.

 

“Five minutes until we touch down” shouted Storm from the cockpit. 

 

“Oh no, Mr. Summers.” I said as I adjusted myself in the seat. “This is only just beginning”

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Chapter 4 - Act 5- The Condensation of Shorter Chapters

The X-Jet began to descent over the large, vaguely militaristic science compound which lay below. The entire facility was swarming with men in uniforms running about accomplishing the multitude of tasks required to maintaini such a structure in the extreme weather conditions found at their Antarctic location. We were directed to land in a large open hangar, once there we were greeted by a group of uniformed individuals who directed us quickly through the maze of a base, finally leading us into a large conference room. Deadpool was already there waiting when we arrived, paging through a Hustler magazine.

 

“Wow, these guys must really know how to stock a waiting room” I said to him.

 

“Hm? Oh no, I brought this one from home.” He replied, not really taking his eyes off the magazine. “It’s one of my personal favorite issues; I like to bring it with me whenever I’m on a long trip. The articles are just so… inspiring.”

 

As we all found our seats a pale, chubby gentleman in a business suit entered the room and the lights dimmed. A projector in the ceiling hummed to life and displayed the Weyland-Yutani logo on the screen which was set into the far wall. I could barely contain my excitement.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming here tonight on such short notice,” the pudgy man began “My name is Thomas Barth, and on behalf of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, I welcome you to the launch base. Now, your associate Mr. Wade Wilson has vouched for each one of you, however we do require that you sign an agreement of confidentiality before we can continue with this meeting.”

 

At once the glass surface of the tabletop in front of everyone lit up with images of pages upon pages of legal documentation.

 

“It’s all very standard, I assure you," he continued.  "Just place your thumbprint on the table top to sign and acknowledge.” Hesitantly, everyone agreed; and with all of their digital signatures in place the projector switched to a different image. A large satellite map of the continent appeared, covered in lines and false colors measuring everything from altitude to temperature.

 

“This map is a digital simulation comprised of hundreds of composite signatures from our recently launched satellite tasked with monitoring the condition of the Antarctic ice sheet,” Barth rattled out in one continuous spurt of language. “You may notice, if you examine the map, an irregularity,” He pointed to a large bright green blob in a sea of the purple of the false color map. “This area,” he began again, “was at first written off as a bug in the system; however the fact that it appeared with each subsequent pass of the satellite implies that it does represent a physical anomaly. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we may have stumbled on a geological formation that has thus far never been observed anywhere else on earth. I believe this area, roughly 500 square miles of land, is essentially a bubble buried deep beneath the ice.”

 

“So… you brought us here to protect… a bubble?” asked Wolverine, visibly skeptical of the whole venture.

 

“This bubble, sir,” began Barth “represents the possibility of a fully self-contained ecosystem which has been shut off from the world for millions of years. It represents an entirely new potential branch of the evolutionary tree. This bubble, sir, represents the greatest scientific find of the century. And as you may have noticed,” Barth gestured to the base and all its security guards “Scientific discoveries are quite competitive things these days.”

 

“He’s right, you know” echoed Deadpool from a chair near the back of the room. “These days you never know who’s going to shoot you in the back.” And with that, he pulled out a pistol and shot Barth between the eyes.

 

“What the fuck?!” shouted cyclops as fragments of Mr. Barth’s skull and brain matter dripped down the projector screen. Deadpool jumped up from his seat in the back of the room and ran up to the computer which had been running the projector. Moving Barth's slumping corpse aside, he plugged a USB device into the console and began downloading files as quickly as possible.

 

“Well it’s like he said,” replied Deadpool while typing furiously. “Science is a competitive field. One of his competitors paid me a lot of money to take him out and steal his secrets. Oh don’t get all judgmental you guys, look around you; we’re clearly in some kind of secret fortress. I’m sure they’re doing all kinds of bad shit here. It wouldn’t surprise me if that Barth guy has like… a closet full of tortured puppies somewhere; seriously, did anyone else get a weird vibe from him?” He paused briefly and looked up at us all: “I bet Barth wasn’t even his real name. Anyways, security should be here right about… now.”

 

As he spoke, he pulled the USB drive from its port and aimed his pistol towards the door. which presently burst open. Two armed security guards attempted to rush into the room but were killed before they could cross the threshold. Deadpool ran to the door and made sure the hallway was clear from both directions before turning back to the assembled team.

 

“All right,” he said as re reloaded his gun, “Now the tricky part will be making it back up to the X-Jet without anyone triggering the-“ He was cut off by a blaring siren as the room flashed black for a moment before the red iridescence of the emergency lighting system kicked on. “Ok, I have a backup plan” he said as he ran back over to the computer and started typing once again.

 

“Wait, why are you the one making plans here?” demanded Scott. You’re not our leader; you’re not even really an X-man!”

 

“All right Cyclops, you want to be the one who comes up with the getaway plan, I get that” said Deadpool, “But as far as I see it, we’ve only got about two options here; the first is we fight all the way back through this maze of a base to the X-Jet and hope we don’t get lost or cornered by an enemy with vastly superior numbers and quite a lot of firepower. The second option,” he said with a final click of the mouse as a false panel behind the projector screen opened into a dark passage, “Is we go through there about 45 feet and take the access tunnels out. Totally up to you.” Scott scowled at Deadpool as he motioned for everyone to go down into tunnel. In return, Deadpool gave him two middle fingers. Personally, I was thrilled. Things could not have been going much better, in my opinion. I insisted on going through the false panel last and sealing it shut behind us as the sound of another group of guards thundered through the hallway outside of the meeting room.

 

“All right, just like I said,” began Scott as we all hurried into the darkness, “Now that we’re in the access tunnel, we just need to follow it out to the surface and bring the X-Jet to us by remote.”

 

“Like you said, huh?” remarked Deadpool. “All right then smart guy, let’s just walk on over to the surface; only I have one question. Which way should we go?”

 

The hallway stretched out into darkness in both directions.

 

“Jean, Professor,” Scott turned to them, “can you feel anything?”

 

“No, Scott, there is only darkness ahead, I can feel nothing but miles of ice in every direction.” replied Xavier.

 

“It’s pretty much the opposite of that behind us, Scott.” Jean Grey stated with a worried expression on her face. “There are at least a hundred soldiers up there heading right for our position. I’ll try to hold them off, but that many… I won’t be able to do it for long.”

 

“Right, Professor, you help Jean in incapacitating the soldiers,” he pointed as he gave the orders. “Wolverine, can you smell anything?” he said as he pointed to Logan.

 

“What are you, stupid?” said Wolverine “And also, get that finger out of my face. Xavier just told you he couldn’t sense anything down there but ice. You want to know what I smell, Scott? I’ll give you three guesses.”

 

“If I may interject,” began Beast, “You may try apologizing to Mr. Wilson, and perhaps deferring to his leadership in this matter?” Scott turned to Deadpool, who was once again flipping him the double bird.

 

“All right, we’re splitting up,” said Cyclops as he turned back around. “Professor, Jean, Storm, you’re with me; we’re taking the passage ahead of us. Beast, you’re going with Wolverine, Rogue, Deadpool, and… Sponges, down that way.” He said as he pointed in the opposite direction. There was a cracking sound behind us as the seal I had placed on the false wall panel began to rupture; the armed guards continuing their pursuit. The teams separated and ran down their assigned stretch of tunnel in the darkness.

 

When we had gotten sufficiently far enough away from our pursuers to chance it, Wolverine asked Deadpool: “So which was the correct tunnel?”

 

Deadpool chuckled before he replied “What, you think I know? I’m pretty much just making this up as I go along.” Both of them turned to me.

 

“What, you guys think I know what’s going on here?” I said with a wide grin on my face.

 

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Chapter 5 - Act 6- I know exactly what’s going on here

“No good! It’s a dead end!” Scott shouted over the communicator. “We’re going to have to fight our way back, and we’re sitting ducks in this open hallway. Excellent plan Wade.” As he spoke, we too reached the end of the corridor.

 

I gestured to Wolverine and Deadpool before replying. “Now Scott, are you certain that’s a dead end?”

 

“Of course it’s a dead end,” he replied over the communicator, “I was running full speed through the darkness when I crashed into it.”

 

“Maybe you want to look more closely at it, you know, see if there’s any kind of hinge or lever?” As I spoke I motioned for Deadpool and Wolverine to do the same. They had the hatch open almost instantly.

 

“Of course there’s not anything like that,” argued Cyclops. “Just a solid concrete and steel…” The transmitter went silent for a few moments. “All right, we’ve got the hatch open. It seems to be, some kind of control room of a vehicle? Like a submarine frozen in ice?”

 

“Yeah something like that,” I said. “Listen, just get in and sit down for now, close the hatch behind you. I’ll take it from here.” As I spoke I gestured for the members of my own team to do the same. When we were safely sealed inside, I sat down at a console and began to type. As I typed I explained the situation for everyone. “This is the Ice Bullet Mk I. It is a forerunner to a Weyland Yutani satellite and lander module that will one day pierce the icy crust of Europa.” I pressed a final button and the console began flashing a pair of countdowns. I turned back to face the team before continuing. “The remaining members of our team are currently in the Ice Bullet Mk II, an identical craft currently under remote operation. Now, when these timers hit zero, both crafts will begin firing rockets from the back and lasers from the front. It’s going to be a very exciting time. I would recommend wearing a seatbelt for it.”

 

Everyone scrambled to fasten themselves into the mutli-buckled harnesses which held them in their seats. The last belt clicked as the timers hit zero. A siren blasted, and an automated voice advised that the launch process had started. The cabin shook as the rockets roared to life behind us, and in an instant gravity gave out as we were fell forward at incredible speed, the craft cutting effortlessly through the empty space where the ice had been laser melted only milliseconds before. The automated voice was now counting down the remaining distance until we would reach the outer edge of the bubble.

 

In an instant we had passed the horizon, the lasers and rockets died as we fell through the open hole and began to tumble downwards. Small explosions popped off on the hull of the craft, the emergency parachutes deploying.

 

“Somethings wrong!” shouted Scott over the communicators after hearing the explosions. He was clearly panicking.

 

“No Scott, nothing’s wrong” I replied.

 

“Warning, manual override in progress,” stated the automated voice of the craft’s computer.

 

“God damn it, who let him near the control console anyways?” I said over the communicator as I looked through the port hole to the other craft falling from the sky next to us. Scott was clearly just hitting random buttons. A bundle of parachutes detached from the craft and the whole thing went sideways. “Will you stop hitting buttons and go sit down Scott, please? We’re not out of the woods yet here.”

 

As I said it I knew it was too late. We began to shake as the landing boosters on both crafts began to fire. Mk II, now off balance due to the missing a parachute, veered away from our craft and began to tumble as the rockets pushed it off course. A proximity warning advised us we were nearing the end of our descent. We all braced for impact as the craft lurched to a sickeningly sudden halt.

 

Wolverine was the first out of the hatch behind me, followed by Deadpool, then Rogue and finally Beast. Each one stared up in turn at the bright sapphire blue crystalline skyline which stretched out in all directions; the interior edge of the bubble so large that it produced its own atmosphere, clouds formed near the edges of the ice, and condensation was constantly dripping down. The climate itself was warm, hot even; more than likely due to geothermal activity. A massive dragonfly with horns flew by and the group finally tore their attention from the solid sky to be refocused on the environment in which we now found ourselves. They were astounded to see the vista which lay before them. A great green sea of primordial jungle blanketed the floor of this massive expanse, being broken only by the occasional grassland, lake, or upthrust mountain. We had landed on a wide grassy plateau near the side of a fairly large peak; the altitude gave us a commanding view of the river valley before us. As they stared down in awe at the landscape, a movement in the branches on the other side of the river attracted their attention.

 

A large creature stepped out from the tree line; its dappled grey-green leathery hide reflecting the coloration of the foliage around it. The creature was approximately 20 feet long from the tip of its broad tale to the end of its beaked snout. It walked on all fours, but upon seeing the smoke rising from our landing site, it stood on its hind legs and gave a low moaning cry.

 

“Welcome,” I said to the group once they were certain they believed their eyes, “To Jurassic Park.”

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Chapter 6 - Act 8-“Whaaaat?”

“My god,” said Beast, the first to regain his composure, “Is that ah,” he felt ridiculous saying it out loud. “Is that a dinosaur?”

 

“Ehhh… I mean, there’s a long and a short answer to that question.” I began. “The short answer is yes, that is a dinosaur. The long answer is ‘what is a dinosaur.’ I mean birds are technically dinosaurs, just with millions of years of extra evolution. That’s pretty much what we’re dealing with here as well. Only, you know, not as much bird-like. Are they the dinosaurs that ran around 65 million years ago?” More of the creatures had begun to gather by the water’s edge, including a larger one with blotches of bright blue along his back and a pair of bony crests above his eyes which resembled the horns of a gazelle; a male and his harem of females. “No, they’re way more awesome.” I concluded as the herd ducked back into the forest.

 

“Hello, is there anyone there? Can anyone hear me?” the voice of Storm called out over the headset.

 

“This is Wolverine; I hear you loud and clear.” Logan replied. “We lost sight of you guys while we were coming down, what is your current location?”

 

“I have no idea,” said Storm. “We started to tumble midflight, and now we’re stuck in the branches of a tree in the middle of the jungle. Underneath Antarctica.”

 

“What’s the status of the team? Did everybody get through ok?” asked Logan

 

“Jean and I are fine, as is the professor,” Storm replied, “Cyclops has been knocked unconscious, however.”

 

“Yeah serves him right for messing up my cool freaking entrance. I was hoping everybody would get to hear my Jurassic Park line, but no, Scott’s gotta be a fvcking dick about shit again.” Everyone turned and stared at me, including Deadpool, who was secretly giving me a thumbs up. “Oh he’ll be fine you guys, come on. Just a little bump on the head, that’s all. And let’s not forget, he was the one who started freaking out and mashing the keyboard like some 14 year old hopped up on redbull throwing hate speech around a youtube comments section. Really, he brought this on himself. Anyways, on to the next plot point,” I said.  “If you would all direct your attention to the sky-er… bubble-perimeter? Up, just look up.”

 

Shots echoed across the open expanse as several new holes opened within the ice. From them  dropped  vessels identical  to the ones we had commandeered.

 

“What exactly are we seeing here?” asked Rogue.

 

“Those would be MkIII, MkIV, MkV, and MkVI.” I replied. “Man, they are really unloading both barrels on us.”

 

“How many?” asked Logan as one after another the parachutes deployed on each of the falling modules.

 

“About 20, maybe less if they brought advanced equipment.” I replied. “All heavily armed and extremely well trained. So, what’s our plan, party people?”

 

“Hey, don’t look at me, I’m the one who got us into this whole mess,” stated Deadpool. “I nominate Wolverine as leader.”

 

“Seconded.” I said.  “What’ve you got?”

 

“All right Storm, we need to regroup, and quickly,” said Wolverine over the transmitter while looking at the back at the holes in the ice. “Would you be able to fly everyone over here?” he continued.

 

“That’s not going to be an option,” she said regretfully. “My powers utilize the entirety of the earth’s atmosphere; there simply isn’t enough sky here for me to produce that much wind. I can barely lift myself ten, maybe fifteen feet at a time here.”

 

“Hmm…” Logan frowned as he began speaking again. “Professor, what is your status?”

 

“Quite alright,” replied Xavier. “Although the angle at which we landed has made it extremely difficult to move my chair,” he continued. “Not that it will be much use rolling over the jungle terrain I’m afraid.”

 

“Right,” said Logan. “Professor, I want you to stay there with Scott. Your landing was off course so they don’t know where to look for you. Can you set up some psychic defenses to hide your location?”

 

“Already done” replied the Professor.

 

“Good,” replied Logan. “Storm, Jean, I want you to scout out a perimeter,” he continued. “And if you see any dinosaurs-“

 

“Dinosaurs?!” replied Storm, Jean, and the Professor simultaneously.

 

“Yeah,” started Logan, as he gave a sidelong glance to me. “There are dinosaurs now I guess.”

 

“All right then, we’ll watch out for them.” Replied Jean Grey skeptically.

 

“One last thing before you go,” I chimed in. “In the cabinet to the rear of the cabin, you will find 5 large grey duffel bags. In each, you will find; a gasmask, which you don’t need right now but should probably keep handy just in case; a silenced MP5, complete with ammo; and a bullet proof vest with a tracker and body camera attached. Don’t worry, I’ve already hacked them so that they can’t be picked up by the WY mercs on their way.”

 

“All right, you guys grab that stuff and establish a perimeter.” Logan continued, “Beast, Rogue and I are going to suit up and head to your location; turn it into a base camp, dig in and make them come to us.”

 

“Understood,” said Storm and Jean in unison as they went to equip themselves.

 

“Wait, what about us?” said Deadpool. “Are you just going to leave us out here like sitting ducks for when the bad guys come?”

 

“Yeah, that was the plan,” replied Wolverine. “I want to know what we’re dealing with here, and I figure the best scouts we have are the bastard who can’t die and the bastard who is apparently controlling all of this.” He concluded as he crossed his arms.

 

“I fucking love your leadership skills man,” said Deadpool as he applauded. “Seriously,” he said as he elbowed me, “Why is he not the boss all the time?”

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Chapter 7 - Act 9- The one I get banned for

!!TRIGGER WARNING- HARDCORE NON-CONSENSUAL DINOSAUR FUCKING!!

 

The screen inside the cabin of the crashed lander glowed with information as I typed at the control console. In seconds I had a topographical map of the area and a HUD for every member of the team, complete with vital readings and video feed. Deadpool climbed back in through the hatch and sat down next to me.

 

“Hey, so remember earlier, when we were joking about having sex with a dinosaur?” he began. “I was only joking. Please don’t make me have sex with a dinosaur.” We sat in silence for a moment.

 

“Unless it’s like, a really fucking sexy dinosaur,” he continued. “Actually, no; I’ve heard of people getting diseases from handling their pet iguanas, I mean… that’s the kind of risk I don’t want to take, not even with my dick.” I nodded slowly as I kept my attention on the monitor.

 

“Again,” he said, “unless she was like dinosaur supermodel hot.”

 

“Ok, I get it Wade, Jesus. We’ll see what I can get away with in a post-credits scene, OK?” I said briefly turning my attention away. “Now go outside and wait for the enemy or something.”

 

“That’s all I’m asking for,” he said as he turned to leave.

 

“Emergency situation, I repeat, emergency situation!” the voice of Storm cracked out over the communicator.

 

“This is Sponges, what is your emergency?” I said as I brought her HUD and video stream into the main window on the display. To her left stood Jean Grey, crouched down and looking nervous, Storm turned and I was able to see they were surrounded.

 

“Dinosaurs,” replied Storm. The creatures were small and bipedal, slightly larger than wolves, with dark yellow hides interspersed with slashes of red down the flank. The beasts had large jaws filled with razor sharp teeth, including a pair of tusks which jutted out midway down the jawline. Long rows of bright blue quills ran down their backs. Roughly a dozen of them stood around the clearing with Jean and Storm in the center.

 

“I’ve got a really simple solution,” said Wade, who had never actually left. “Take your guns out, and shoot them. Bang bang bang, problem solved, right?”

 

“One problem,” remarked Jean. “We left the guns in the duffel bag.”

 

“You did WHAT?!” shouted Deadpool over the receiver. “Piece of advice, when someone says ‘there are dinosaurs out there, bring a gun,’ you should really bring the goddamn gun.”

 

“We don’t need weapons, we have our powers,” replied Jean. “Storm, is there any way you could attack them with wind or lightening? Maybe lift us out of here?”

“There isn't enough ambient electromagnetism in the atmosphere down here for lightening. I could toss one of them about twenty feet, but I don’t think that would be much help,” began Storm, “And the branches of the trees are all too high to reach. Try calming them with your telepathic posers.”

 

“I’ve been trying,” retorted Jean. “Their minds are like nothing I’ve felt before. “Be calm,” she whispered as she reached her hand out to the nearest animal in a gesture of peace. “We don’t wish to hurt you.”

 

The dinosaur snapped at her hand which she pulled away in shock.

 

“I don’t think they’re afraid of being hurt,” said Deadpool over the radio. “Maybe they’re just hungry? Try telling them you taste like a sack of moldy assholes.”

 

Jean closed her eyes and concentrated, reaching out to the animal again. It seemed to calm slightly as it approached her, head down.

 

“Oh god,” she said, her eyes now wide open, staring at the animal who stood before her panting heavily; a glazed over expression in its eyes as its jaw slowly widened.

 

“What is it Jean?” asked Storm, visibly alarmed.

 

“They’re not hungry,” said Jean, still staring. Storm followed her gaze as she noticed a growing red patch on the creature's otherwise pale throat. Veins withing the flush area pumped rapidly as the creature threw its head back in display; a trill of high-pitched coughing ululations issuing from its fanged jaws.

 

“Oh god,” echoed Storm as her gaze continued to follow Jean's downwards, from the bright red throat display down the corded primal musculature which rippled down the beast's chest. The dinosaur chortled again; his back arched as the ladies line of sight terminated on the large, glistening protrusion which had thrust its way from the beast's scaly cloaca.

 

“Awwww man,” said Deadpool.  “We’re about to see some freaky shit go down right here.” He edged closer to the monitor as the other creatures within the clearing began to mirror the behaviors of the first.

 

“Go outside Wade, keep watch.” I replied.  “Do it now.” I demanded, reaching for the zipper of my pants. “And don’t come back in until I say.”

 

“Whaaat? No man, I’ve got to see this” he said.

 

“I’ll tape it for you, now go outside.” I said as I turned my attention back to the monitor.

 

The lead creature let out a fearsome cry as the cacophony of excited chirps suddenly grew silent, the pent-up energy of the clearing now coalescing itself in an anxious silence as the creature lowered its head to look Jean Grey in the eye.

 

"Please," pleaded the visibly terrified redheaded woman as she tried in vain to activate some shred of sympathy within the creature's cold reptilian brain. A single tear rolled down her cheek as the dinosaur once again opened its chiseled jaw, baring its fangs as it took an awkward step towards her; its bulbous reptilian penis bouncing from side to side as it went about deciding the most practical way of mounting her.

 

"Jean!" cried Storm suddenly, her cry attracting the attention of the beast momentarily. Storm summoned the wind to toss the dinosaur roughly into the trunk of a nearby tree as Jean made a break for it. With terrified, ragged gasps Jean dashed towards the underbrush; but her futile attempt at an escape was cut off by a pair of the hissing monsters which rushed forth from the periphery of the clearing. Behind her, Storm cried as one of the smaller beasts leapt onto her back, her hand held firmly in its jaw a it pulled her to the forest floor, effectively preventing her from further interference. Another of the creatures stalked up behind, sniffing at her raised hindquarters.

 

Jean stood, frozen with fear, staring at the two monsters which blocked her egress. She whimpered pitifully, her gaze fixed straight ahead as the her attacker stood and shook himself off. She could feel its hot breath on the back of her neck as its jaws closed down around her shoulder. Boiling hot pricks drove unto her back as the creature pressed its clawed foot into her back, causing her to cry out in pain as the beast slashed downwards, rivulets of blood forming in the shallow cuts left in her skin and clothing from shoulder-blade to mid-thigh. The torn fabric fell from her body in ribbons as the pressure of the creature's scaly foot again returned to her back, forcing her downwards. The pressure of the fangs around her shoulder increased, puncturing her flesh as she was forced to submit to its primal demands. Her whimpering had broken now, into uncontrolled sobs as she felt the sticky red rocket of the creature rubbing hotly against the sweat-moistened skin of her lower back, her buttocks, her inner thighs. The beast on top of her explored her body with its engorged phallus, its instinctual thrusts running along the seam of her shapely ass. The narrow tip of the creature's genitalia pressed up against the puckered ring of Jean's anus; the beast, having found a means of ingress into her body hissed excited and attempted to thrust forwards against the impossibly tight opening. Jean gasped as the thing found its way inside of her; eyes wide in her head as it wormed its way roughly a few centimeters into her most forbidden orifice. Frustrated by its inaccurate copulation attempt, the creature pulled himself out of her anus and again attempted coitus. Storm cried out once again; out of the corner of her eye Jean could see that she was in a similar position; clothing torn to shreds as one of the beasts thrusted against her ebony folds. As Jean watched, the monster above Storm pulled back its hips and thrust forwards; its penis finding its mark as it sunk deep withing her. Storm gasped as the beast inserted itself as deep inside her womb as it possibly could before pulling halfway out for another tremendous thrust. And another. The beast's fangs clamped down around Storms throat, which issued a pained gasp with every intermission of the creature's genitals. Jean turned back, unable to watch any more as her attention again focused on the beast which was presently attempting to penetrate her. Overcome by terror; she felt her bladder involuntarily begin to drain; a steady stream of fear urine issuing out from between the lips of her vagina, splattering in the dirt between her knees. As she knelt crying, the pulsating red member of the creature followed the stream to its source; the delicate pink curtains beneath Jean Grey's fiery red pubic mound parting as the monster found its way inside of her.

 

The pressure of the creatures throbbing cock inside of her was immense; she could feel the ridges and bumps as they slid in and out of her body with forceful thrusts. She and Storm cried out in vain as the beasts had their way with them. For a time, the space around them faded away; no trees, no sky, no world above. Just the constant pounding of the monsters inside; unending as waves crashing ashore. Jean felt a warmth begin to spread; a tingling sensation she could not control. Across the clearing, Storms cries had changed; from whimpers to breathless grunts, now the slight edge of a moan lie underneath. Jean could feel the blood pounding through her veins, her body trembling as her loins grew hotter with every thrust. From beneath she lifted her hand to her crotch, careful to not upset the fearsome beast which still held her down. She ran her fingers across the outside of her labia as the monster thrusted, and was astonished by how wet she had become. She looked back over to Storm, who appeared to be losing the fight against her own body as well. She winced and inhaled sharply as the beast began to become irregular with its thrusts, the ragged breath which escaped her mouth signifying the eruption to come. As Jean watched, the creature atop Storm issued a loud coughing cry as its thrusts reached a fever pitch; arching its back as it made a final push; pearly white seamen spraying out from the over-filled mocha lips which wrapped tightly against its cock; contracting to extract every drop of the liquid as Storm cried out from the orgasm which had forced it way out of her. The creature pulled out, a stream of sticky white beads waterfalling from Storm's gaping hole. She lay there, ass in the sky, gasping and catching her breath, as a second beast stepped up to mount her.

 

Jean could feel the rhythmic pulsations of the beast inside of her begin to grow irregular, as its penis swelled in preparation of orgasm. The heat which spread through her body was now uncontrollable; she could fight her bodily sensations no longer. Reaching back up to her impossibly wet snatch, she began rubbing her clitoris as the beast unloaded its sticky white cum deep inside her throbbing pussy. She cried out as the orgasm filled her, bringing her hand back up to her face she found her fingers were sticky with both her own vaginal fluids and the musky white nectar of the beast. Her head swam as the strong pheromone odor hit her, she felt intoxicated by the experience.  Bringing her fingers to her lips, she tasted the substance which covered them before reaching her hand back down to guide the next dinosaur penis into her.

 

“Wow…”  I began. “That was…”

 

“Graphic,” continued Deadpool, who must have snuck back in at some point.  “It’s kind of, burned into my mind now, you know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah, there’s no way to unsee that.” I agreed. “I didn’t expect them to be so… bitey.”

 

“Yeah," said Deadpool "They should probably get some Neosporin." he continued, "And probably some penicillin, you know. I mean, if iguanas can give you the herp, well there's no telling what those guys were carrying...”  An awkward silence took over the cabin.

 

“I think I should probably go back and prevent that from happening.” I said finally, still staring at the screen.

 

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” replied Wade. “You still recorded it though, right?” he said turning it to me.

 

“Are you joking? Of course I did.”

 

“Make sure you give me a copy,” he said.

 

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Chapter 8 - Act 8- One step back, two steps forward

“Oh god,” said Jean as she stared at the dinosaur in front of her. “They’re not hungry.”

 

Thunder roared across the verdant valley as another hole tore into the ice ceiling; the small dinosaurs scattered as the large craft fell though the sky in a ball of fire, crashing into the jungle a few miles from where the other craft had landed.

 

“What’s that?” grunted Wolverine, his voice straining as he hacked through the dense underbrush. “Mk VII?”

 

“No, that, my friend, is something entirely different.” I replied. “Storm, Jean, get back to base camp now; Wolverine and his group have almost arrived.”

 

“I can’t help but feel like we’re missing out on something,” said Deadpool. “That was too easy.”

 

I reached into my pocket and handed him a usb device. “You can thank me later,” I said as I reached down to grab an MP5.

 

“Come on,” I said, “The real party is about to begin.”

 

A quiet hum echoed throughout the clearing as we stepped out of the lander.

 

“Sounds like they brought a drone,” I said frowning. That meant there would only be about 18 of them.

 

“All right,” I said to Deadpool. “So at the count of three we race to the tree line.”

 

“One,” I said as the lander burst into a fiery explosion behind us.

 

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Deadpool as he jumped away from the flaming wreck. “I think your count is a little bit off!”

 

“Two,” I continued. “Don’t worry; we’re outside of the blast radius. I just wanted to do one of those cool ‘walking slowly away from an explosion’ things.”

 

“Three.” I said as we broke into a run, tufts of grass and dirt flying up behind us as the drone began to fire on the positions we had been in only moments before we broke through the wall of foliage and ducked behind the trunks of the trees as the drone sped past above us.

 

“So do we get, like, bonus points if we shoot that thing out of the sky, or what?” began Deadpool, ducking as chips of wood flew from the trunk of the tree he was standing behind. “Or should we focus on these assholes instead?”

 

“I’ve got the drone,” I said watching through the branches as the machine turned around for a second pass. “It’s a two-man team,” I said, leaning out from my cover just enough to attract another round of fire. “Maybe a third hidden in the underbrush on the other side of the clearing,” I said as I bent down to grab a rock and toss it into the trees to my left. Another round of fire confirmed my suspicion. “Make that flanking us.” I said as I turned to Wade. “Feel like leading them on a chase?”

 

“Really?” replied Wade. “I’m not honestly a fan of playing hard to get. I prefer to be more direct with my affection… and bullets.”

 

“Well then you’re going to hate the next part,” I said as he turned to go. “Try not to take any kill shots; I’d like to keep as many alive as possible for now.”

 

“What the fuck?” he replied. “Where’s the fun in that?”

 

“Trust me,” I said while pointing off into the jungle. “I’ve got a plan.”

 

“Whatever.” He replied as he spun out from behind the tree, the MP5 in his hands spraying bullets into nothing in particular. “Hello, motherfvckers,” he shouted. Almost instantly he was hit in the chest and face by several rounds of incoming fire. “Fuckin’ A!” he said as he spun back behind the tree, his jaw pooping back into place. “Well trained sons of bitches, aren’t they? Goodbye motherfvckers!” he shouted as he took off into the trees, a line of fire following him until he disappeared from sight among the foliage. I too ducked and ran from my temporary cover as the drone completed its second pass and the trees we had been hiding behind exploded into flame.

 

Using the smoke of the smoldering trees as cover, I outflanked the advancing WY mercenaries and hid as they ran past in pursuit of Deadpool. Two of them followed the trail of his blood through the jungle. The buzzing of the drone grew louder as it circled around again; which meant there was a third mercenary out there operating it. That was my target.

 

The drone circled the clearing again, attempting to locate any trace of me. It was a relatively small drone, to have been packed along with a group of 3 mercenaries. The majority of its size was in the rockets and machine guns it carried. It was equipped with fairly rudimentary observation technology, most likely just a simple digital camera with a wireless feed; the battery was too small to carry much anything else, not for long at least. I leaned out from my cover and took a few pot shots at the aircraft which now circled aimlessly. In an instant it returned a barrage of fire and turned towards my location. I stealthily advanced through the underbrush at a 45 degree angle to its flight trajectory.  It hummed as it flew past me to investigate my previous location. From my vantage point in the underbrush of the high side of the clearing, I scanned the tree line for any hint of anything artificial in the expanse of greens and browns and bright colored flora. I saw it, not twenty yards ahead, the glint of steel.

 

I focused on the steel blade as the remaining form of the individual carrying it exposed itself through the dense layers of leaves which obstructed us. Down between the roots of a massive tree unlike any on the surface a mercenary decked out in a full suit of light assault gear crouched in front of a mobile control station operating the drone. I continued stalking through the underbrush, flanking around to the back side of the tree and silently climbing up into its tangle of roots. Like a black panther I circled back around the tree to the gap in the roots in which my prey awaited, still droning away.

 

“Kids these days,” I thought to myself. “So involved in their electronics, never paying attention to what’s going on around them.”

 

I had just cleared the final root and was about to drop down behind my unsuspecting prey when my communicator crackled to life and the voice of Deadpool spilled out.

 

“You remember how you said to try to keep them alive?” he said as the Weyland Yutani mercenary below me turned and began to fire in my general direction. I flung myself from the root onto the soldier and knocked back their gun with my landing, although their sleek assault helmet remained. “Well I tried.”

 

“Damnit Wade.” I shot back at him as I struggled with the mercenary below me. “This is not a good time, and also I really needed those guys.” The mercenary managed to wrestled and arm free and was attempting to choke me with it. I readjusted my grip and grabbed their arm back before continuing. “Listen, where are you right now?”

 

“Yeah that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about,” Deadpool began. “It looks like, some sort of stone temple.”

 

“Do you think there’s a pilot in there?” I said as the mercenary again broke free and punched me. “Yeah, I had that one coming. But seriously Wade, go on inside and start poking around. If you see anything that looks fleshy, don’t be afraid to just stick your face right in it. This is a science expedition, after all.”

 

“I don’t know man,” Deadpool began again. “There are a lot of bones laying around out here. The whole thing is giving off a really bad vibe.”

 

“Come on man,” I coaxed, “Take a few for the team.”

 

“You owe me man, you owe me big time,” replied Deadpool over the radio. “I mean, we’re talking like... a threesome with a pair of supermodel-hot dinosaurs here-“

 

“For fucks sakes Wade, just go in the dark tunnel of doom, we’ll talk about your reward later.”

 

He grumbled as his voice fade from the communicator.

 

“That man is going to die,” said the Weyland Yutani mercenary from behind the smoke black glossy mask.

 

“No, that’s unlikely.” I said.  “But he’s going to be pissed at me when we pull him out.”

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Chapter 9 - Act 11- Reunification

“Anyways, sorry about all that,” I said to the Weyland Yutani soldier. “Where were we again?”

 

“I’ve known exactly where you were since before you shot the drone.” said the mercenary.

 

“Funny,” I replied as I reached for the helmet of the now subdued mercenary, “I’ve known exactly where you were and where you were going to be since before you came through the hole in the ice.” I unhooked and lifted the assault mask. “I’m glad you could join us, Mystique (as played by Rebecca Romijn), although I wish it could have been under better circumstances.” I stood and helped her to her feet as well. “Seriously though,” I continued. “Welcome to the party. I’ll take it Weyland Yutani has paid you handsomely for your services? Whatever it is, I’ll double it, triple it even.” I removed a stack of hundred dollar bills from my pocket and began to make it rain.

 

“Ok, but who the hell are you?” she replied.

 

“You know what? I really should have had like, a presentation at the beginning of this whole thing explaining who I am and what I’m doing here to all of you.” I said as I exhausted the stack. “It would have made this whole adventure go so much more smoothly. Just call me Sponges.”

 

“All right then, Sponges,” she stated defiantly. “I’m not here for the money. I’m here because I want to put a stop to Weyland Yutani.  I’ve seen some of their experiments on mutants and I know that if they’re involved in something it’s going to be dangerous for everyone involved.”

 

“Boy howdy,” I replied. “You can say that again. Anyways, you’re in good company, I’ve got a tree full of X-Men who would be thrilled to hear you’re playing on the side of the protagonists again this time.”

 

“Sponges,” crackled the voice of Xavier through the communicator “Jean and Storm have reached us safely, as has Logan’s team. It appears, however, that they have been followed. Did you and Deadpool complete your reconnaissance? ”

 

“Affirmative,” I said as I decided my body was made of robots and plugged a flash drive into my wrist. “You’ve got a squad of five coming from the north. An additional squad of five is approaching from the north east.” Cries of horror met me as the images popped up onto the screen of the lander. “Come on you guys, it’s only ten of them.” I looked down and realized I had uploaded the wrong USB drive. “Ah, sorry about that,” I said as I quickly switched them out. “Come on, you guys, it was only twelve of them.” The sounds of disgust and anger continued. “Yeah never mind, I’m just going to make you all forget about that.”

 

“We’re dug in quite well here, and safely hidden behind the Professor’s telekinetic shield,” stated Beast. “However they may have sensory capabilities we have not taken into account.”

 

“What’s more,” began the Professor, “I some other presences converging on our location. Something entirely unlike a man, mutant, or even a dinosaur; something not of this earth.” He concluded.

 

“These guys don’t look that tough,” said Wolverine as he examined the documentation on the monitor. “Although I’d rather not get caught between them,” he continued. “I say we send out a strike team and cut off one of the groups before they reach us.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds all right.” I said after chewing the idea over for a moment. Ideally I’d keep them all there, but what are you gonna do? That pesky free will and all. “Let’s see then, Logan… I want you, Rogue, and Storm to head out and take the guys to the north. Everybody else, stick in the lander for now. The northeast team doesn’t know where you are yet, and they’re stumbling right into a trap. Somebody wake Scott up, it’s about to get really exciting over there and he’s just been napping for the past twenty minutes anyways. I’ll see you all soon, we’re headed right over.”

 

Mystique looked quizzically at me. “How much do you know about what’s going on here?” she asked.

 

“Only the important stuff,” I said with a smile as I grabbed her about the waist and prepared to teleport. “By the way, have you seen the dinosaurs yet? Pretty frickin’ brutal, amirite?”

 

“Yeah,” she said with a far off look in her eye. “I’ve seen the dinosaurs. I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Fair enough.” I said as the jungle roots faded into the cabin of the landing craft.

 

“Ah, Sponges, Deadpool-“ began Beast, who stopped mid-sentence. “Mystique?” he stammered. “Wait, were you Deadpool the whole time?” he looked at me, a bewildered look in his eyes. “What’s going on here?”

 

“I actually sent Deadpool out on a secret mission; Mystique came here to take down Weyland Yutani. So we’re pretty much on the same side. Don’t worry; everything is still going mostly according to plan.”

 

“Did your plan involve me getting knocked out for the past few hours?” said Cyclops as he stalked up to me, pointing his finger in my chest.

 

“No, you were the dumbass who undid his seatbelt in the middle of freefall and decided to start hitting buttons. Although it was extremely convenient for the rest of us, so hey; thanks for that.” I leaned past him. “Jean, can you try to keep your bitch on a leash in the future? Please?” He took a swing at me and I sidestepped as his hand punched into the steel inner hull. “Go sit down,” I said as I walked over to the monitor and pulled up Logan’s video feed.

 

“I don’t get it,” he said, scanning the dense underbrush. “We should be right on top of them.” He sniffed the air as he looked around. “Right on top of them.” He felt the drop on his shoulder, then another. He wiped the drops off, and was shocked to see red on his hand. He looked up, and saw them. “Holy shit,” he said as he stared up at the five flayed bodies hanging from the branches of the trees towering above him. “Sponges…” he began, “What are we looking at right now?”

 

“Do you remember that alien consciousness Xavier was talking about earlier?” I replied while grinning.

 

“The other group of mercenaries has just about reached us,” alarmed Jean.

 

“Shouldn’t we spring the trap now?” asked Cyclops as her prepared to disembark from the tree.

 

“Spring the trap?” I questioned. “Oh, no we aren’t the trap,” I replied without removing my attention from the monitor. “We’re the bait.”

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Chapter 10 - Act 12- Hey, we’ve finally got predators.

Wolverine froze in place beneath the hanging skinned bodies, his adamantium claws slowly extending.

 

“Logan?” said Storm as she turned towards him. “What’s wrong?”

 

A dense sweat condensed on Wolverine’s brow. “We’re not alone in this jungle.” Slowly he scanned through the branches of the trees as he spoke. “I know this feeling.” He continued. “We’re being hunted…”

 

“Logan?” Rogue stepped towards him.

 

“Run,” he said, suddenly switching his gaze to the two of them, fear on his face. “Run now.”

 

He dodged to the side as a bolt of blue-white hot energy tore through the air from the treetops, just barely missing him. Another blast came and he dodged it more narrowly than the first, the plasma bolt leaving a bright red singe across the front of his left arm up to the shoulder. He snarled as he returned fire with his MP5 in the general direction the shots had come from. As he pulled the trigger, he detected a faint shimmer moving through the trees.

 

“What, you’re too scared to show yourself?” he shouted as he adjusted his aim. The shimmer again tried to move, but Wolverine was able to track it with his heightened senses. “Fight me like a man!” he taunted. In an instant, the cloaked figure dropped down before him. With a clicking laugh that reverberated from the trees around them, the predator stood and uncloaked.

 

“What the hell do you mean ‘we’re the bait?’” said Scott, rudely interrupting me as I ate popcorn and watched Logan’s monitor. “All right, Mr. Sponges, if that even is your real name, you need to explain everything right now.”

 

“You know what, Mr. Summers,” I began. “There is a universe in which I explain everything to you, and your brain explodes because you can’t handle it all. So, you know, try not to steer us towards that universe, ok?”

 

“You know what I mean, you smartass.” Cyclops shot back at me. “What is going on here?”

 

“Hey, don’t get mad at me because you can’t phrase a question correctly.” I replied. “All right, fine. That fellow right there,” I said, pointing towards the fight on the monitor that I would have much rather have had my attention on, “is known as a Predator. They’re a species of interplanetary big game hunters who come to earth on occasion to do what they do best. You could say that I’ve come to hunt the ultimate hunter.”

 

“If you’re here to hunt them, then why aren’t you out there helping Wolverine?” said Scott, pointing to the screen angrily.

 

“Because Wolverine’s got it handled.” I said nonchalantly. “Also, I’m after the big one.” I stood and extended my hand. Within it formed the haft of a halberd-like spear, black as a void, and burning with a black flame. “And he’ll be here any second.”

 

Logan coughed blood as he was flung into the trunk of a tree, his breath escaping him for a moment.

 

“Logan, what’s wrong?” the voice of Storm, unnaturally amplified and modulated, emanated from the hidden speakers within the hunter’s masks. It unleashed another round of clicking laughter.

 

Logan stood, and wiped the blood from his lips. “Nothing a few beers won’t fix.” He leaned his head to both sides, cracking it loudly, and assumed a fighting stance. The monster in front of him did the same. For a moment, neither of them moved, each combatant sizing up his considerable opponent.  Logan’s eyes darted from the intricate bright silver mask to the Massive plasma rifle attached to the armor over the creature’s right arm.  As he watched, the predator slowly reached up and unhooked this assembly and threw it on the ground. The predator again assumed his fighting stance as a pair of foot long blades ejected from his silver gauntlets. This time it was Wolverine who laughed.

 

“I like your style, bub,” said Logan ad he raised his fists and charged at his target. The predator charged towards him as well. The alien hunter managed to dodge his first blow, but a second solid punch hit squarely in the bottom of its mask and tore it free.

 

The monster turned its head towards wolverine and spread its spiked mandibles, its vag-like mouth uttering that clicking laughter once again.

 

“Logan, tell him he’s an ugly motherfvcker!” I shouted at him through the communicator. “They love it when you do that.”

 

“Sponges, the mercenaries are right on top of us!” shouted Scott, the static of the communicator making his voice even more annoying than it usually was. “We need to do something, now!”

 

“Scott, they’re not on top of you. You are on top of them. They are below you; you’re in a tree, remember?” I said to him. “And you don’t need to do anything. Seriously, mercenaries are the least of your worries in this jungle. If you enjoy having your spine attached to your body, you’re going to stay in that tree.”

 

I myself had left the tree only moments ago, and now sat stealthed on a branch in the upper canopy, overlooking the crashed landing craft and the soldiers milling about below it, completely oblivious due to the combined psychic shielding of Professor Xavier and Jean Grey. In the branches below me, the pattern of light on the leaves shifted, as the invisible hunter made its way towards its quarry.

 

“Havin’ me some fun tonight,” I said as I prepared for the battle to come. “Havin’ me some fun tonight.”

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Chapter 11 - Act 13- More violence in today’s entertainment

Logan leapt onto the enormous body of the predator fists first as he sunk his blades deep into the monster’s vaguely reptilian hide. In response, the predator brought both arm blades into Logan’s chest, creating large tears in his flesh but stopping upon hitting his adamantium ribcage. Logan pulled back a fist and sunk another clawed punch into the predator, which grabbed him and threw him across the clearing.

 

“I can do this all day,” Logan snarled as he scrambled to his feet and back into a fighting posture, the wounds on his chest quickly healing. Across from him, the predator stood and retracted its wristblades. Reaching to its belt, it pulled out a contraption resembling a pointed cylinder comprised of many smaller rods. With a motion, the barbed metal rods extended to reveal a spear six feet in length. The predator slowly pointed the tip of the spear at Logan, and then began to twirl the weapon around itself in an astounding display of martial arts talent. The alien hunter completed its display and assumed a defensive position. The two warriors froze on the field of battle as the ground began to shake.

 

A deafening roar echoed through the jungle as the forest behind the predator began to heave. Trees cracked and were torn away by the massive creature which broke through the foliage and issued another earsplitting challenge two the two warriors who had trespassed onto its territory. Logan’s attention was instantly drawn from the predator before him to the tyrannosaurus-like beast which stood beyond. The monstrosity was an estimated fifty feet from the tip of its tail to the end of its narrow snout, which bulged with a row of massive serrated teeth. Along its back, the mottled red and ochre hide was studded with large kernels of dense spiked body armor resembling the plates of an ankylosaur. 

 

Logan’s attention distracted, the predator took the opportunity to strike. Wolverine barely had time to bring his arms up to block the fearsome blow, the force of which would have broken both arms of a lesser man and drove him back several inches in the soil of the forest floor. The combistick spun lightning fast in the predator’s expert grasp and landed a resounding blow across Wolverine’s midsection which tore a gash an inch deep in his chest and sent him flying. He came to a rest at the base of a tree with a thud. Only now did the predator turn his attention to the massive beast which stood behind him. The enormous dinosaur issued another deafening roar, which was echoed by the predator as it raised its spear and prepared to leap. With the sound of a freight train, the two monsters collided as Logan slowly lost consciousness.

 

=====

 

The mercenary screamed as a bolt of white hot plasma ripped through his chest. Another bolt flashed as the man beside him suffered the same fate. The remaining three mercenaries which stood beneath the downed lander began to fire on the section of the tree tops from which the bolts had come, but the predator had long since abandoned this locale and presently snuck along behind them at ground level.

 

“What’s going on out there?” Cyclops shouted over the communicator. “I heard shooting, is everything ok? Do we need to be out there?”

 

“No, Cyclops,” I said calmly as I watched the cloaked predator run down one of the men and drag him into the jungle beyond. “You guys should all just stay in the lander until I give the all-clear.”  I shut off my radio so the noise would not give away my position as I watched the two mercenaries tracked off into the jungle in the direction the predator had dragged the third. The predator was, by this point of course, high above them in the branches again, preparing to hang its latest victim among the corpses of the others. It echoed out a trill of laughter as it prepared its skinning equipment.

 

I was on it in an instant, the black voidspear in my grasp swinging a wide arc towards the hunter’s exposed midsection. Decades of fighting experience allowed the beast to block what would have been a debilitating blow, but the force of the sudden impact was enough to knock him from his branch. He twisted in the air as he fell, and landed in a crouching position between the two mercenaries. With a single stroke, the monster decapitated both men, and turned its attention back to me. I had become fully visible by this point, and still stood high in the branches I had just knocked the predator down from. I raised my spear, and pointed it directly at the beast before me. With a swipe of its hand across the wrist computer on its imposing gauntlet, the monster uncloaked; revealing its true form to me. This creature was indeed the larger of the two, its pitted ebony armor a stark contrast to the radiant silver worn by his hunting companion.

 

A three-pointed laser target appeared on my chest as the predator’s shoulder cannon whirred to life. I flash-stepped down towards my opponent in a zig-zagging motion as I dodged plasma blast after plasma blast. As I reached the predator he brought his wristblades up to meet my oncoming blow.  He pushed back against the spear, and I used the momentum to backflip gracefully into the air where I now stood. I again raised my spear, and waved it around the top of my head before whipping its focus back on the predator which stood below me. As I did so, the haft of the spear grew in length, firing the blade of the weapon down across the distance which separated us with the speed of a gunshot. Instinct once again prevailed as the predator narrowly blocked what would have otherwise been a killing blow. I pulled back and the blade retracted, only to be fired twice more; the first blow being once again blocked, the second leaving a deep slash across the monster’s arm. Neon green blood dripped to the ground as I pulled the blade back.

 

The predator roared as it raised its gauntlet to me. From behind the already impressive blade assembly emerged another pair of blades, thicker and longer than the first. The beast then raked these new blades along the flesh of the arm I had not damaged, leaving a pair of deep cuts to mirror the single one I had inflicted on it. The predator again raised its wristblades as his neon blood dripped down from them.

 

With surprising speed and agility for its size, the beast leapt from branch to branch and finally launched itself through the air towards me blades first. I swung my spear into a blocking position as we collided, the massive weight of the alien monster wearing down on me as its metallic claws locked against the void of my spear. I examined the monster’s mask closely as it stared back at me through the dark lenses of his environmental helmet. It was made of the same pitted ebony as the rest of his armor, fashioned to resemble the shape of a dinosaur skull while still maintaining that classic predator charm. As I admired what would be my trophy, the predator’s shoulder cannon came to life and issued a single shot at point-blank range.

 

The concussive force of the blast threw us both backwards; the predator landing back at ground level, myself landing once again in the air among the treetops. The Predator, his front charred by the sudden plasma explosion, looked up to me to examine the damage I had taken. I had, of course, brought up a voidshield in the split second before the bolt of energy erupted, and presently stood in the air doing my best Dragon Ball Z impression, a sphere of black energy forming around me as I increased my spiritual pressure.

 

“This isn’t even my final form!” I shouted down at the bewildered predator which stood before me not understanding my anime references. “KAGOME!!!!” I shouted again at the beast as I raised my spear and prepared another attack. “WINDSCAR!!!!”

 

Thunder echoed through the jungle as a deafening roar halted my attack mid-swing. Branches gave way as the giant dinosaur burst into our conflict, the second, smaller predator still clinging to the back of the beast, his spear jammed deep between the creature’s armored plates. The ebony predator looked back to me momentarily as it turned its camouflage back on and leaped onto the side of the raging beast which was tearing through the jungle. In an instant, they were gone; a trail of broken trees and destruction following behind them. 

 

I let out a sigh. The battle done for now, I reached up to my ear and turned the communicator back on.

 

“Do you hear me?” shouted the voice of Scott over the radio; no doubt he had continued his whining the entire time I had maintained radio silence. “I’m coming out there right now.”

 

“Fine, I’m done for now anyways.” I said; interrupting what was more than likely another stream of complaints from Cyclops. As I watched, a fully-healed Wolverine emerged from the same broken section of jungle the dinosaur had just passed through. “All right everybody, let’s regroup.” I said as I dropped down to the jungle floor beneath the open hatch of the lander and waved for Logan.

 

Storm burst suddenly through the jungle behind me, covered in scrapes and bruises. A fine sheen of sweat, dirt and blood covered her skin; a horrified expression on her face.

 

“They took her,” she cried, out of breath from running “They took Rogue.”

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Chapter 12 - Act 15- In which shit gets freaky

“Who took her?” demanded Scott. “Was it the last group of mercenaries?”

 

“I don’t know what they were,” replied Storm. “A swarm of them came through the trees at us after Logan told us to run. I was able to escape them by using the wind to help me leap from branch to branch, but Rogue was unable to escape.” Storm paused and looked down prior to continuing. “The last I saw of her, she was being dragged off by a pack of those things.” She took a deep, jagged breath. “I couldn’t stop running,” she concluded.

 

“It’s all right, Storm, nobody blames you,” stated Beast as he put a comforting arm around her.

 

“More hunters?” asked Cyclops, mostly to himself. “But why would there be so many of them? And why would they take prisoners? Bait maybe?”

 

“No, it’s worse than that, I’m afraid.” I said, interrupting Scott’s train of thought monologue. “Rogue has been taken by aliens.”

 

The group stared at me silently.

 

“I… thought we had already established that,” began Cyclops again. “She’s been taken by the alien hunters.”

 

“Nope, this is a different type of alien.” I began to explain. “These guys are like, massive insectoid parasites with razor sharp claws, tails, two sets of teeth, and acid for blood.” I looked around the cabin as I concluded my description of the xenomorph and was met with a sea of horrified faces.

 

“For Christ’s sakes,” shouted Charles after a few moments of silence. “How many different types of alien do you have us stuck down here with?”

 

“Just the two,” I replied. “You know, maybe a third, if I’m feeling ambitious.” I shrugged innocently.

 

“Listen, none of that is important right now,” interjected Wolverine.  “We need to start working on a rescue plan.”

 

“Storm, did you see where they took her?” questioned Cyclops.

 

“South?” she said while shaking her head. “I don’t know; it all just happened so fast.”

 

“I know where she is.” I stated as I pulled the map back up onto the monitor. “There is an ancient temple, built by the predators when they first visited our world in the late cretaceous.  I sent Deadpool in to scout it while we were engaging the first wave of mercenaries.” I pointed at the location on the map. “Soon after I lost contact with him. The hive is located in the temple. I’m certain of it.”

 

“So how do we get there?” asked Cyclops. In response, I pointed at the path of destruction the massive dinosaur had left in its wake as it passed through our location.

 

“All right then, Professor,” I began. “I want you, Beast, and Mystique to remain at base camp to monitor our situation. The away team will consist of me, Logan, Cyclops, Storm, and Jean. And you two,” I said, turning to them. “Bring a weapon this time.”

 

The members of the away team gathered their gear and one by one we left the cabin and headed out into the jungle foliage beyond. After a few moments of silence, Charles Xavier let out a sigh and shook his head.

 

“What have we gotten ourselves into this time?” he asked the remaining members of the team.

 

“Everything certainly seemed much simpler, back in the old days,” commented Beast.

 

“Do you remember Aruba?” asked Mystique. “1973, I think it was, the three of us were stuck in that tiny hotel room with only one bed after that monsoon hit?”

 

Charles chuckled. “That was quite the evening, if I remember correctly.”

 

“I’m surprised you remember much of that night at all, after we had so much to drink,” interjected Beast.

 

Charles chuckled again, ending in a slight sigh as he looked over at Mystique. “I remember how beautiful you were that night, sandwiched between us on that tiny mattress.” Mystique blushed as she transformed into Jennifer Lawrence wearing a sheer nightgown.

 

“Something like this?” she replied.

 

“Ah,” began Beast. “But if memory serves me correctly, you weren’t wearing that for long.” He reached up a furry blue finger and gently began undoing the lace holding the garment to her. Loosened, the sheer fabric now clung to her skin only by the force of attraction from a thin layer of sweat across her skin. The peaks of her nipple were clearly visible beneath. She bit her lip as she ran her fingers through Beast’s thick hair and looked down to Charles, who was presently unbuckling his pants. As she knelt before him, the fabric of the nightgown gave way, exposing her gently heaving chest as she brought her mouth down onto his limp paralyzed manhood.

 

"Mmm... Yes, just like that," said Patrick Stewart commandingly as she ran her tongue along the folds of his sagging old testicles, stopping to circle around the base of his flaccid shaft before placing the entirety of the wet noodle inside of her mouth. Though he could not feel her lips around him; the nerve endings in his lower half having long since been severed, the mental stimulation within his advanced mind as he watched her perform was beyond compare. She maintained eye contact with him as her head bobbed up and down and Beast's blue furry hands wrapped around her breasts from behind. Mystique ground her bare ass against the growing erection in his corduroy pants; the ridges in the beige material rustling against her moistening folds.

 

Standing and placing a foot on the arm rest of Xavier's wheelchair, Mystique reached down and spread her large meaty labia wide before his face. Charles surveyed the sight momentarily as she worked her hands around her pubic area, spreading the glistening moisture which dripped down her inner walls. A thrust from behind pushed her spread genitalia into his face; his tongue penetrating inside of her until his jaw could stretch no more. She moaned with desire as she reached down to stroke the deep red phallus which had emerged from between Beast's legs.

Mystique turned again and took Beast's throbbing red rocket in her mouth; Charles's tongue now pounding into her as his hands clenched her shapely ass. She moaned as she fondled Beast's furry blue balls, her tongue slapping against the underside of his shaft as she took the beastial dick as deep as she could.

 

"Fuck me!" she gasped as she pulled her mouth from him. Turning with her vagina once again in full display towards Charles, she grabbed Beast's member and thrusted it deep within herself. She gasped as Beast continued the thrust after she could take no more; the strength of his loins bring her to tip-toe above Charles keenly observant face. Beast relented and she was able to stand on the balls of her feet for a moment before another mighty thrust threatened to take her off her feet once again. Below her, Charles groped at her rhythmically swinging breasts as he watched Beast pound in and out of her. Charles placed a nipple in his mouth, playing with the mound of raised flesh with his tongue as Mystique's cries of orgasm filled the lander.

 

"Shit, I'm close!" gasped Beast as the convulsing walls of her vagina threatened to milk the seed from him. Pulling himself from her at the last moment, Beats reached a blue furry palm down to his swollen and bulbous animal penis as Mystique knelt down before him and opened her mouth. She slid her tongue around the underside of Beast's throbbing red erection; the taste of her moisture saturated the cock. With a primal roar, Beast unloaded onto her face and into her open mouth in great strings of white sticky jizzum. To the side, Charles moaned loudly as his mind resounded with the feelings of an intense orgasm.

All three of them now exhausted; the interior of the landing craft faded into a breathless silence.

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Chapter 13 - Act 16- Double Penetration

The temple came into view as we reached the crest of a hill, still following the path of destruction left by the armored tyrannosaurid. We stopped here to reconnoiter the location from a distance.

 

“It’s massive,” said Storm as she observed the great stone pyramid through a pair of binoculars. The structure sat in the middle of a large clearing, its facade resembled an Aztec or Mayan design; several plateaus of diminishing size leading up to the central peak. Along one side, a carved staircase extended between the levels; at the top of which was a great stone door. “You’re certain Rogue and Deadpool are in there?”

 

“I feel them,” replied Jean Grey as she raised a finger to her temple and closed her eyes. “They’re very faint, but they’re inside the pyramid.”

 

“Can you feel where exactly inside the structure they are?” asked Scott.

 

“No,” she replied. “There’s some kind of strange interference, I can’t explain it.”

 

“So what, should we just walk up and knock on the front door?” asked Wolverine, extending his claws.

 

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy” replied Scott, who then turned to me. “It’s not going to be that easy, is it?”

 

I chucked and gave a slight sigh. “All right, here’s the plan” I said while examining the temple closely. “That door up top is sealed shut; only the predators can get in or out, which means there must be some other entrance the aliens are using to collect hosts.” I scanned the base and sides of the pyramid looking for any cracks or structural damage. Finding none, I turned back to the group. “So a couple of us are going to have to be decoys. Logan, Scott, I’m going to have to ask that you both get captured. Storm, Jean, and I will follow closely behind, cloaked by Jean’s psychic shield. Hopefully they will take you to the same location as Rogue and Deadpool, and once we’re all together, we can work out an escape from there. Sound good?”

 

“What if they take us somewhere else; or they don’t take the bait?” questioned Logan.

“A temple this size will only have one, maybe two egg chambers at the most,” I began. “And I know they’re going to take the bait because this hive is still becoming established; they need as many hosts as they can get. Also,” I concluded, “You’re going to appear unarmed and not fight back.”

 

“So essentially it’s a suicide mission,” replied Cyclops.

 

“Oh you’ll be fine, you big baby.” I chided him. He flipped me off as he followed a chuckling Wolverine through the destroyed underbrush.

 

“There sure are a lot of bones here,” Scott’s voice crackled through the communicator as the pair stepped from the foliage into the clearing of the temple. I watched them closely through the binoculars as Storm and Jean scanned the area for any sign of movement.

 

“There, to their 10 o’clock,” said Storm, pointing at a rustling at the edge of the jungle. I focused my binoculars on the patch of forest and waited.

 

“I’m going to investigate it,” replied Scott as he walked towards the edge of the clearing. Picking up a stick, he probed the foliage Storm had directed his attention to. “There’s nothing there,” he said finally.

They struck from the side. With lightning speed the xenomorph pack was on Scott and Logan. There were four of them, each slightly shorter than a full grown man, with elongated jaws and sloping postures. These aliens had obviously been bred from the dinosaurs which inhabited the area. As soon as they had erupted onto the scene the xenomorphs disappeared, dragging their new hosts back to their hive. We chased after them through the jungle, Jean’s psychic shielding abilities occluding their awareness of us.

 

“Where’d they go?” asked Jean as we came to a silent section of jungle. “We must have lost them.”

 

“No, look at this,” said Storm as she pointed out a trench-like depression in the jungle floor beneath us. “It’s a dry river bed. There has to be a cave opening somewhere.”

 

“Over here,” I said as I shone a flashlight into the inky black depths of a small crevice in the earth, roughly three feet wide.

 

“They’ve definitely been through here,” said Jean, pointing to the deep scratches and grooves in the earth around the gaping maw, signs of multiple struggles.

 

“Right then,” I said, handing out flashlights. “In we go.”

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Chapter 14 - Act 17- The daring rescue

The narrow fissure between rocks we had entered quickly opened up into a large chamber, replete with hanging stalactites, sparse formations of stalagmites outcropping from the cave floor, and a few large columns where the two met. Beyond the glow of our flashlights, the inky blackness stretched on. The sounds of dripping water were everywhere, and heat emanated from further within the cave. The situation was akin to being in the salivating jaws of a hungry carnivore.

 

“There’s so much humidity here,” stated Storm as we moved further into the darkness. “The heat must be geothermal, since we’re so far underground, and I imagine there’s an underground reservoir of melted ice water here to supply all the moisture… If I concentrate…” she continued as she reached out her hands. Water began to concentrate in the sky around them, first as a fine swirling mist, then as thin rivulets of liquid which swirled around her wrists before hardening into short blades of ice. With a flick of her wrist she sent a handful into the nearest column, and morphed the water in her other hand back into ethereal form to create a small bolt of lightning which struck  the column next to that.

 

A crack of thunder resounded through the chamber as the columns fractured and gave way, the cave ceiling they had been connected to giving way behind them, sealing our entrance.

 

“Yeah, I think those might have been load bearing structures,” I said as the dust settled. “Ah well,” I continued as we pushed forwards. “Only way out is through, makes it easier that way.”

 

We ducked behind a stone monolith as a trio of the aliens skittered past on the ceiling and walls to investigate the disturbance; Jean’s cloaking ability shielding us from all forms of detection.

As we continued through the darkness, the heat and humidity grew. The walls of this place had also taken on a more geometrical form; straight carved angles as opposed to the liquid forms of the cave thus far. I shone my flashlight on the flat face of the fossilized stone wall before me and saw deep weathered runes etched into its eldritch surface. We had reached the tomb beneath the pyramid.

 

“They should be just ahead,” said Jean, leading us through an endless corridor of maze-like passageways beneath the enormous structure. As we approached, the walls around us again began to change; slowly at first, the ancient stone blocks of a forgotten era of earth’s past being slowly encroached upon by a fungus-like ichor. Black and twisted in the form of organic- or rather, bio-mechanical structures, the rot seeped across the dilapidated masonry and soon overtook it completely.

 

“They should be just ahead,” said Jean once again; a strained, almost confused expressing crossing her face. “But there’s something else…” she continued. “Something… another presence in there with them…” she gasped suddenly and fell to her knees, Storm and I stopping to check on her.

 

“What is it?” questioned Storm. “What did you feel?”

 

“Something enormous,” replied Jean looking up, a migraine evident in her now bloodshot eyes. “And full of pain.” Tears streamed down her face as she looked up at us pleadingly. “I can’t go any further, I’m sorry.”

 

“That’s fine,” I said as I lay my hand on her shoulder to comfort her. “Concentrate the shield on yourself, and keep your gun handy just in case. Storm and I will take it from here.”

 

We pressed on into the hive, and emerged into a large chamber. The large fleshy oblongs of the aliens’ eggs lay in bundles across the floor of the room. The walls of the structure were coated with the same resinous ichor which made up the rest of the alien’s lair; in several places woven into the webbing were the bodies of several species of dinosaur, their chest cavities exploded outwards.

 

“My god,” gasped Storm as she surveyed the macabre scene. The beam of her flashlight passed across the dense mesh of corpses and rot; stopping suddenly on the faces of Logan and Scott, who both appeared to be unconscious.  “I found them,” she called out under her breath. A groan issued from Logan’s limp mouth.

 

As she spoke, the egg sitting before Logan on the wall began to open, the fleshy palps of its top separating as the beast within curled into a springing position ready to strike. Logan stirred and became conscious as he saw the massive spider like creature jumping out at his face. With a strained shout he ripped his arm free of the webbing and brought his claws slicing through the facehugger’s body. The acidic blood of the parasite did not harm the adamantium blades, but a large amount sprayed out onto his chest and face, which now began smoking as he shouted in agony. His cries of pain woke Scott, who now found himself staring into an opening egg sack.

Thinking quickly, Storm surrounded the alien arachnid with ice as it leapt out towards Scott’s screaming mouth. The nightmare creature fell to the cave floor before him and shattered.

 

“Get me the fvck out of here!” shouted Scott in full panic as he looked around at his surroundings. “Get me the fvck out of here!” he repeated; his voice a shrill cry in the darkness. Storm and I rushed to tear the resinous webbing holding Scott and Logan to the wall, all the while scanning across the room for our missing companions, as well as any xenomorphs coming to investigate our removal of their hosts.

 

“Over there,” I said as Wolverine broke free of the last of the hive material. I pointed my flashlight to the red and black costume of Deadpool, stuck to the opposite wall, a massive hole in his chest where a xenomorph larva chewed its way out.

 

“Oh god,” replied Storm. “They’ve killed him.”

 

His body twitched, then jolted to life in the light of my flashlight.

 

“Oh, hey you guys!” he said as his head rolled around to look at us all. “Did you miss me?” We all ran over and began to tear him free from the wall; the hole in his chest cavity stitching itself back together at a remarkable speed.  “This place is getting a terrible Yelp review,” he said when we had finally broken free.

 

“That just leaves Rogue,” I said as we all scanned the walls with our flashlights.

 

“There,” said Logan as the beam of his light crossed a human form among the black webbing. It was Rogue, and tightly wrapped around her face was one of the parasites. As we approached, the spider-like being detached and fell to the ground next to her as she coughed and gasped for breath.

 

“Rogue, are you ok?” asked Cyclops running up to her. “Did it hurt you?”

 

“No,” she said roughly, clearing her voice before continuing. “They jumped on me and tried to shove something down my throat, but I absorbed their life energy before they could succeed.” We looked down and saw a pile of the spider like monstrosities lying dead and dying next to her, an occasional post-mortem muscle spasm shaking through the mass.

 

“There’s a problem, though,” she said as we worked to free her. “I don’t just absorb life energy; my power absorbs thoughts, memories… instincts…”

 

“What are you saying, Rogue?” asked Logan as the final resinous chunk fell free. She looked at us with a deadly serious expression in her eyes.

 

“I need to sit on someone’s face.” She stated plainly, or perhaps demandingly, would be more appropriate.

 

“Hey hey, I’ll jump on that grenade!” remarked Deadpool with a wide grin.

 

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Chapter 15 - Act 18- Labyrinth

But there was unfortunately no time for oral sex. The walls around us began to twitch and quiver; the black abyssal spaces between the bodies implanted among the web work suddenly sprang to life as, hissing with malice from a hundred locations, the xenomorph swarm squirmed towards us.

 

“It’s a trap!” shouted Cyclops as he blasted away a contingent of the monsters who had rushed in through the corridor behind us. “I have to get back to Jean!”

 

With that, he ran back the way we had come; the sounds of automatic fire and eye lasers echoing back through the corridor behind him.

 

“Well that guy’s an asshole.” Remarked Deadpool as he unholstered a pair of pistols and went John-Woo on the xenomorphs which were rapidly bearing down on us. It was amazing, there were doves and everything.

 

“I always thought he was more of a dick,” replied Wolverine as he stabbed his claws through the carapace of an alien which had come within striking distance.

 

“There are too many of them!” shouted Storm, electricity flying from her outstretched hands, “We can’t hold them off for long. We need a plan.”

 

“There!” said Rogue, pointing to an angular portion of temple stone on the far side of the room which had remained relatively untouched by the rot of the alien hive. “It’s a staircase outta here!”

 

We moved through the egg chamber towards the decrepit stone ramp, fending off wave after wave of attacks from the ravenous things which struck out at us from the darkness.

 

“Jesus Deadpool,” I shouted over the ever present blare of gunfire, “How many of these guys did you hatch?”

 

“I lost track at around a hundred, and thanks for reminding me, by the way,” he said as he aimed one of the pistols at my head. “I got so used to sitting there without a chest cavity I almost forgot I owed you a bullet. He pulled the trigger and my head snapped back with the force of the concussive impact.

 

“Yeah I had that one coming.” I said with a chuckle as I leaned forward and the flattened bullet fell from my impeccable forehead. I thrust my voidspear towards him and impaled an alien which had snuck up and was about to take a bite out of his head like they love to do. “Listen, I’m sorry. I asked you to not kill the mercenaries because they were supposed to be the hosts. That didn’t work out, so we had to enact a contingency plan.” Deadpool continued to glare at me, anger evident in his hooded expression. “You’ll be well compensated, I promise.” I said, winking. 

 

By this point we had reached the sloping masonry and began to ascend into the chamber beyond, the alien horde swarming in behind us.

 

“It’s a dead-end!” shouted Logan as we hit the solid stone façade of the far end of the chamber. We put our backs to the wall as the encroaching mob of hissing black death made its way towards us.

 

“Shit, I’m out of ammo!” said Rogue, throwing down her gun and pulling of her gloves. “I don’t know if I wanna get close enough to these things to touch em though.”

 

“I’m empty too,” said Deadpool as he dropped his pistols and removed a katana from behind his back. With one swift motion, he brought the blade through the skull of an attacking xenomorph, cleaving it in two. The monster’s acid blood sprayed out at him; quickly eating through the blade, as well as a large portion of the flesh from his elbows down. “Well, now it looks like I’m totally unarmed.”

 

The alternating high and low tones of an alien claxon pealed out through the tomb. “What’s that?” asked Deadpool. “Did I just win some kind of terrible joke prize?” The alarm sounded again as the room began to tremble. With the sound of grinding stone, the entire chamber began to rotate; sealing off the aliens entrance and opening another on the wall to our right. We quickly dispatched the remaining aliens which had gotten into the chamber with us prior to its sealing and rushed into the darkness of the corridor beyond.

 

“Up ahead, I see another staircase!” shouted Deadpool as we stopped at a four-way intersection of ancient stone hallways. He pointed his arm stub out into the darkness. “Come on you guys, this way!”

 

A plasma bolt raced out from the darkness of the hallway to the left, incinerating the remainder of Deadpool’s arm to the shoulder.

 

“Mother fvcker!” he shouted as he turned and bolted back the way we had come. “Not that way!”

 

We turned and followed in an attempted escape back into the pitch black maze of the subterranean corridors. The clicking laughter of the predator gleefully stalking its prey echoed off the walls behind us as we ran blindly into the waiting darkness.

 

“HYEEEAAHH!!!” Logan cried as he was suddenly punctured through the shoulder by the razor sharp tail of a xenomorph which had been lying in wait on the ceiling. Using his one hand, he sliced the segmented tail of the creature off where it protruded from his chest. The other he brought up into the base of the elongated skull of the creature, puncturing its brain cavity. The lifeless husk of the alien fell from the ceiling, but a hellish chorus of hissing and rattling chitin rushing towards us in the darkness meant that more would soon take its place.

 

An electrical vibration filled the air as the blinding light of a plasma bolt arced just inches above our heads further into the darkness. The illumination of the bolt as it impacted on its target with explosive fury revealed blackened silhouettes of the writhing swarm of death rushing towards us.

 

“Through here!” shouted Storm as the shifting stones of the temple revealed a narrow passageway opening behind us. The five of us rushed through the massive twisting blocks of stone just as they ground shut behind us, crushing the limbs and torso of an alien who had almost managed to reach us before we escaped. We each collapsed against the solid stone behind us, our chests heaving with terror as we paused to catch our breath.

 

“Ammo count?” said Deadpool as he surveyed our group. Only Storm still carried a gun, the rest of the team having left theirs in the egg chamber after expending their limited supply.

 

“I’m empty too,” replied Storm as she ejected an empty cartridge and threw the now useless weapon down at her feet.

 

A bright red light shone out at us through the darkness ahead, the tri-laser target of the predator’s shoulder cannon lingering on each of our chests for a moment as it scanned through the available targets. It paused on Logan for a heartbeat before flicking off as quickly as it had arrived.  A shimmering figure emerged onto the periphery of our vision. As the hunter’s cloak dissolved around it, we were able to make out its ornate silver armor in the low light.

 

“Fight me like a man.” The distorted voice of Wolverine echoed out across the walls of the chamber as underneath his mask the predator chortled off a loud clicking laugh.

 

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Chapter 16 - Act 19- MORTAL KOMBAT!

Storm attacked first; a brace of ice flechettes materializing at the tips of her fingers before being flicked out at the predator with great speed. Just as quickly the hunter drew his spear weapon and, with reflexes trained by untold centuries of extra-terrestrial martial arts, deftly shattered each of the shafts of ice mere moments before they would have impacted. The dreadlocked beast returned to a defensive battle stance and beckoned for another round.

 

Storm summoned thunderclouds around herself and shout a massive bolt of lightning into the beast. Again, the predator intercepted the blast with his spear, the energy charging into his battery reserves. It snarled as its shoulder cannon glowed to life and issued a blast towards Storm. Summoning a massive gust of wind Storm leapt quickly out of the way of the blast, but the beast had anticipated her move. As she landed, the predator’s outstretched hand was there to greet her. She coughed and doubled over as the force of the impact sent her flying back.

 

The alien material of the predators spear glistened in the darkness as it spun around in an elaborate flourish before arcing down for the final kill stroke. The sound of metal scraping against metal pealed out as Wolverine’s adamantium blades intercepted the trajectory of the spear’s final descent.

 

“Come on you ugly son of a bitch!” said Logan as his interlocked claws held the monster’s spear in place. “I’m the one you want here.”

 

“I like your style, bub,” his own voice was reflected back at him in the distorted tone of the predators mimicry device.

 

The predator’s extending spear collapsed as he spun around for a high-velocity kick at Logan’s midsection. Bracing for the impact with his left arm he swung his right fist towards the face of the monster, utilizing the kinetic force of the beast’s attack against itself. It jerked back, Logan’s claws raking against the opulently carved silver of its mask. A pair of the creatures black corded dreadlocks fell to the ground, too slow to avoid the attack. Logan’s barrage continued with a low kick aimed at the monster’s knee. This blow was intercepted, however, as the clawed hand of the predator wrapped around Wolverine’s foot and threw him across the room easily. Wolverine’s head struck the stone masonry with a violent crack as he fell motionless.

 

“You know, y’all could be helping,” shouted Rogue as she stood alone to challenge the hunter next. Wade and I sat on the cold stone (creamery- $10 in ad revenue) floor of the tomb, enjoying the show.

 

“I am helping,” I said, pouring popcorn into Deadpool’s mouth, his arm stumps incapable of holding it himself.

 

“What do you want me to do, gnaw on him?” replied Deadpool through a mouthful of popcorn.

 

“Just believe in yourself, Rogue. You can do this.” I continued. “We believe in you.” Deadpool nodded as she rolled her eyes and turned back to face her opponent.

 

The predator placed its arms behind its back and stood, waiting for Rogue’s attack. Her first strike was an upwards jab of her palm aimed for the chin of the beast towering before her. She followed this swing with a low underhand punch to the creature’s midsection and finally a high spinning kick again aimed at the armored head of the monster. The samurai-like hunter effortlessly sidestepped each blow, and as Rogue concluded her combo he reached out a hand to push her roughly in the shoulder, sending her to the ground. Stepping back, the predator again assumed the pose with his hands behind him.

 

“Shit, I might have to gnaw on him if it keeps going like this,” remarked Wade. I smacked him sharply across the head. “We believe in you Rogue!” he shouted encouragingly. “Seriously though,” he said under his breath as he turned to me.

 

Rogue again stood and unleashed a barrage of attacks, the predator continuing to deftly outmaneuver each strike. Mid-swing, the monster reached out to grab her wrist.

 

“Wrong move,” she grinned as she extended her gloveless hand to grab the predator where it held her. The beast seized briefly upon contact with her skin, as a guttural roar issued deeply from within Rogue’s throat. Her mouth opened in a wide grin of bloodlust as the alien hunter’s life essence flowed in to her.

 

The creature pulled back and attempted a counterattack, but Rogue could see the movements to his form before they were happening, the full knowledge of his martial arts training now temporarily imbued to her. She effortlessly sidestepped the blow and spun around to deliver a devastating kick to the monster’s midsection, her force amplified by the alien power which now flowed through her. She continued her attack, reigning blow after blow down upon the beast who was now forced onto the defensive. With a final kick, the predator stammered backwards as his mask was torn from his face.

 

Rogue stood, panting heavily; the effects of her power draining her quickly. The predator turned back to face her, staring her down before drawing his spear for what would be his final attack.

 

“Uh, uh,” the strained voice of Storm creaked out as she regained her feet. “It’s my turn again.” The beast turned to her as Rogue collapsed from exhaustion behind it.

 

Storm crouched down into a battle stance; bringing her arms to one side, her hands together. Between them, a golden ball of lighting began to develop. “AHHHHHHHH!” she began to shout as she built up energy. A wind picked up around her and soon she was surrounded by a burning glow as she condensed the electricity in the air to her. The predator’s shoulder cannon began to glow blue as it too began to charge up for an attack. Storm thrust her arms forward, her palms extended as the blast of energy shot out toward the beast, who had also fired his plasma weapon. The two bolts of energy met in midair with blinding force as an explosion filled the corridor.

 

Storm stood panting as the dust settled, Wolverine, Rogue, Deadpool, and I rising to stand with her. The predator was nowhere to be seen. A crushing noise filled the chamber as a hidden passageway sealed shut.

 

“He must have gone through there,” I said as I reached down to pick up the predator’s abandoned environmental helmet. “Rogue, Storm, I believe you’ve earned this.” I said handing it to them. “Nice little conversation piece.”

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Chapter 17 - Act 20- Alien vs Predator

“This is Scott! Does anyone read me?” The voice of cyclops screeched out of our communicators. “I’ve found Jean,” he continued. “She’s safe, but she says there is some form of malevolent psychic energy beneath the temple unlike anything she’s ever felt. We’ve pulled back to the caves for now and it’s given her some relief. She can’t go back in there and I’m not leaving her, understand?”

 

“Loud and clear Cyclops,” I replied. “We’re doing all the heavy lifting while you chill out in a cave with your girlfriend. Oh, and fun fact, orgasms has been scientifically proven to sooth the pain of a headache. So… you know. Give the people what they want and all.”

 

“God damn it Sponges,” replied Scott with a sharp click as he turned his communicator off.

 

“Ah, but you forgot to turn your body camera off.” I said to myself under my breath. “That’ll be a fun little gift for all of my subscribers out there.”

 

“So, what’s our next move?” asked Wolverine. As he spoke the shifting stones of the tomb again began to groan as they rearranged themselves, again revealing the passageway taken by the predator. “Well all right then,” he said, taking that as an answer. We followed closely behind as the passage sealed shut behind us. We were once again lost in the mazelike barren stone corridors of the primeval structure, Logan tracking the scent of the monstrous hunter down endless dark intersections and switchbacks. Suddenly he froze, sniffing the air.

 

“What is it, Logan?” asked Rogue.

 

“There’s somebody else down here with us,” he said. “But there’s something else too. Something… mechanical.” As he spoke, the green pinpoint of a laser sight shone out form the darkness towards him.

 

“Shit, get back!” he shouted as a burst of heavy machinegun fire tore through the air, bullets embedding themselves deeply into the stone wall we had stood in front of a heartbeat before. Behind the deafening barrage of the gunfire, there was another sound; the heavy pounding of massive steel boots running in our direction.

 

“Oh, excellent,” I said as we ducked behind a section of masonry beneath a hail of gunfire. “They’ve brought exosuits.”

 

The mercenary reached the entrance to the chamber we were occupying and stepped inside; his entire body coated in an armored metallic exoskeleton that increased his size to slightly larger than the predator we had just faced. In each robotic hand, he carried a tri-barrel minigun with a grenade launcher attached beneath. He paused as he scanned the room with his fancy helmet.

 

“We should probably go now.” I said as the architecture again began to morph around us. An explosion rang out behind us as the armored mercenary launched a grenade into our previous position, the shifting stonework protecting us from the shrapnel.

 

“Fvck!” shouted Wolverine as he rushed into a small chamber, the open-tusked face of the predator appearing suddenly in the darkness mere inches in front of him. Instinctively he brought his claws out and thrust them deeply into the monster before him. He looked down and saw that his entire fist had entered into a cavernous hole in the predator’s chest, the neon-green blood and organs of the alien hunter still warm around his hand. He pulled out quickly in shock and looked down to see the twitching body of one of the crablike alien parasites next to the deceased predator.

 

“Well, that’s one problem solved, I guess,” remarked Deadpool. “Now what about them?” Looking around, we could see that we were now back inside of the hive. The festering walls of the egg filled chamber began to slither with the movements of an awakening alien horde.

 

“Through there,” said Storm as she pointed to the arch of what had been a great stone doorway, but was now infested with xenomorph webbing to the point of being almost unrecognizable. We ran through and down the hallway beyond, aliens pouring from crevices in the walls behind us, adding to an ever growing swarm of the insectoid hellbeasts who now stalked behind us in the darkness. 

 

A loud thump burst out through the tunnel as a detachment of the slithering nightmares was blow away in a cloud of flame and acid blood. We continued to dodge out of the way, narrowly avoiding the stream of bullets which flew from his dual miniguns, the hot lead slicing through the carapaces of the aliens around us like tissue paper. The majority of the creatures tuned to face the armored mercenary who now posed a greater threat to them than we did; moving as one biomechanical unit to defend against their new attacker. As we ascended a giant stone staircase that had risen suddenly from the floor we were followed by only a handful, which now followed far more cautiously. The aliens had all but disappeared as we reached the top, and as our line of sight crossed the zenith or the staircase we could see why.

 

Standing by a console in the chamber before us was the ebony armored predator. The alien hunter let out along clicking laugh as it activated the button.

 

“Oh God!” screamed out Jean in agony over the communicators as well as our very minds. “It’s coming!” she screamed. “It’s coming!”

The transmission fell silent as a deafening roar echoed out through the structure and the world around us shook.

 

“You guys get to Jean, now” I said as I stared down the beast in the raptor skull biomask. “This one is my fight.” I began walking towards the predator as the rest of my group went back the way they had come. When I was within 10 paces or so I reached out my hand and formed the voidspear within my palm. The ebony predator took a battle stance and extended his double sets of wristblades. At the periphery of our battleground the xenomorphs circled like hungry jackals; eager to pounce on and devour the loser of this contest, and the winner as well if they were able.

 

Chitin rustled above as a third combatant dropped down before us. It was much larger and bulkier than the other xenomorphs, and had a slightly more brownish green skin tone. Long spines of black tendrils shot down from the creature’s elongated skull. The four predator tusks which surrounded the monster’s already ferocious double jaw were flared out in rage.

 

The behemoth predalien issued a ferocious challenging roar and attacked.

 

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Chapter 18 - Act 21- No new chapter today. April fools. (Original air date- April 1, 2016)

The three of us twirled around in a frenzy of blades and fangs as each of us vied for the upper hand against the other two. As I held off a blow from the predator’s elongated wristblades with the haft of my spear the predalien leapt back onto a column behind it to circle around above the fray and attack the predator from behind. The predator disengaged from me momentarily to grapple with the xenomorph born of his fallen brother; the monstrous hybrid’s teeth gnashing together centimeters from its bio-helmet, its razor sharp claws bearing down on his flesh. With great effort the ebony hunter threw the predalien beast off of itself just in time to parry a downwards slice from the blade of my spear. The predator stepped back and to the side, attempting to place me between itself and the xenomorph berserker that had quickly regained its footing and was now rushing towards us.

I smirked at the alien hunter before fading out of existence just as the barbed end of the creature’s segmented tail sliced through the air where my chest had been an instant before. The predator was caught off guard by my sudden absence and was only able to avoid being fatally impaled by opting to take the wound in his arm instead. The xenopred whipped its tail back from the predator’s shoulder, trailing a long stream of bright green bodily fluid behind it. It attempted to alter its attack mid lunge; it too having anticipated my defenses instead of those it was now faced with. The predator brought his undamaged arm up in a forwards jab at his temporarily flustered opponent, the blades affixed to his wrists piercing into the lower jaw of the now dodging predalien in front of him. As he pulled the blades back to block the incoming blow from the abomination’s fierce claws, a single tusk, cut off at the base of the monster’s jaw, came with them. I re-materialized in the air above my opponents and dropped down into the fray spear-tip first.

 

“*We’re* fucked now,” began Deadpool as the group reached Jean and Scott at the rubble which blocked the cave entrance. “*No* way out,” he continued. “This is why you shouldn’t talk to *strangers* who offer you candy.” He kicked at a rock and sent it flying out into the darkness. “Looks like we’re going to die by getting ripped to shreds at the end of a dead end. What’s not *to love* about that?”

 

“*You* need to relax,” said Rogue. “I *know* Sponges has a plan to get us all out of here.”

 

“To hell with his plan!” shouted Scott, still consoling Jean who had a look of terror and agony plastered across her face. “Do you see what happens when we follow *the rules*? His rules?” Scott was seething with rage. “I think we need a new plan.”

 

“*And so do I*.” said Logan, stepping forwards. “*A full* day has passed since we’ve come down here, maybe more. So far we’ve had zero input from him about how to escape.” A grim frown crossed his face. “The only thing he’s shown a *commitment* to so far is fighting that damn monster.”

 

“And the alternative *is what*?” asked Rogue. “Goin’ it alone against these things and god knows what else down here?”

 

“That’s exactly what *I’m thinking of* doing,” said Scott as he stared grimly at the caved in entrance. “Storm, *you wouldn’t* be able to freeze all the spaces between the chucks of rock, would you?”

 

“I could *get* most of them,” she replied. “How would *this* help us?”

 

“If we can use your ice to keep the rubble *from* collapsing,” Scott began, “I may be able to bore a hole out with my energy vision.”

 

“*Any other* day I’d say you were crazy,” said Logan crossing his arms. “But I don’t see any other choice right now. Get to it *guy*.”

 

“*I just wanna tell you*,” said Rogue as Storm and Cyclops began to prepare. “I think this is a bad idea.”

 

“You need to understand *how I’m feeling* right now, Rogue,” said Scott, pointing to Jean who was still in the midst of a psychic battle with the ever-encroaching malevolent darkness.

 

“No, I *gotta make you understand*,” began Rogue.

 

“*Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you*.” I crooned through my communicator while narrowly dodging a blast of energy from the predator’s shoulder cannon. The battle had become mobile now, myself and the predator exchanging ranges attacks from across the sides of a long passageway as the predalien ran along the ceiling of the corridor whipping its tail back and forth between the two of us whenever the opportunity presented itself.  “The party is headed towards you guys right now. So you can make an attempt at drilling through, but you’d be much better off hiding for the time being. There’s going to be a huge hole in the wall any minute now anyways.”

 

A massive bio-mechanical roar echoed out from the tombs below, loud enough to be deafening even through the tons of stone which made up the structure. The earth surrounding us trembled as something enormous moved just out of sight.

 

“It’s coming!” cried Jean again; her head shooting back suddenly, ashen-faced and bloodshot eyes wide with terror. She let out a plaintive cry as the trembling came again, closer this time. A massive chitinous hand, its razor sharp claws longer than a grown man, wrapped itself around the section of cave wall which separated the group from the tombs ahead.

 

“It’s here!” she cried a final time before passing out in Scott’s arms. The group quickly hid behind the various stone formations of the cave as the massive creature pulled the sheet of sediment back like a curtain and revealed its full and terrifying form for a brief instant before effortlessly breaking though the pile of rubble  and stepping out into the jungle beyond.

 

“What the fvck was that thing?” asked Deadpool, dumbfounded.

 

“That’s what you get when you breed a xenomorph queen from a t-rex.” I said over the communicator. “God damn, I’m so hard right now, you have no idea.”

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Chapter 19 - Act 22- Red Queen

“Scott, what is the situation?” the professor’s voice called out over the communicator.

 

“Honestly?” began Scott as he carried the limp body of Jean Grey out over the rubble of the newly expanded cave entrance and laid her down in the grass beyond. “I have no idea. Every time I think I’ve seen the worst thing down here… it just,” he trailed off while wiping a stray lock of red hair from her brow.

 

“It’s like Alice, when she came down the rabbit hole,” remarked Beast. “The Red Queen told her to run as fast as she could; but the world beneath her ran just as fast, holding her in place.”

 

Jean’s body began to tremble beneath Scott’s grasp, the placid expression of unconsciousness replaced again with strain and fear.

 

“You have to get her back here now, Scott,” said the professor over the communicator.

 

“Understood,” Cyclops replied as he lifted her. “We’re coming back to the lander.” With that, the group moved out into the jungle, the flayed corpses of innumerable beasts hanging from the trees around them.

 

A grenade went off against the stone wall of the chamber the combat had moved to; the large cracks in the masonry spread by the concussive force of the blast shown in light from the outside. Our battle had reached the top of the pyramid and also gained a new combatant; the spinning barrels of his dual miniguns unleashing a torrent of hot lead into the stonework around us as we dodged about the chamber. Another errant grenade blasted a large hole in the ceiling, through which the predator jumped out; myself in close pursuit. The predalien leapt after us; however its escape was blocked by another hail of gunfire. The beast leapt behind a massive stone pillar as the bullets followed. The predalien climbed to the ceiling of the chamber and jumped between the backs of the pillars in an attempt to outflank the mercenary, whose stream of bullets followed the creature’s movements closely.

But he was not fast enough; in an instant the predalien lunged from behind a pillar, wrapping itself around the exosuited mercenary, holding his arms back and leaving him defenseless as it brought its secondary mouth down into the man’s skull. The abomination leapt off the armored steel battle frame as it fell to the floor with a loud clatter. It lunged towards the hole in the ceiling; and as its horrid fanged visage crossed the plane of the stone roof, it was instantly incinerated by a blast by the predator’s shoulder cannon. The headless and twitching corpse of the creature fell back into the chamber with a spray of acid blood.

 

“It’s the circle of life,” I said to the ebony armored warrior in the raptor skull helmet as we stared each other down at the top of the pyramid, the massive severed head of the giant armored tyrannosaurid lying beside us on the ceremonial alter. I took a battle stance with my voidspear as the alien hunter readied his own blades for a final attack.

 

The group ran through the jungle towards the lander as fast as they were able, the beating of their footsteps on the damp soul and the jagged gasps of their breath echoing through an eerily silent wilderness. Besides those, the only sounds which reached their ears were the thunderous steps and eldritch cries of the massive primeval nightmare which now stalked through the forest around them.

 

“The lander!” shouted Logan. “It’s just ahead. Storm, get us up there!” Instantly they were lifted into the air as Storm manipulated the wind around them and set them all in the lander. Jean, who had been passing in and out of consciousness during the escape, began to tremble once again as Scott set her down on the floor of the lander.

 

“Jean, it’s me, Charles,” Xavier thought into her as he began to reach his mind out to hers. “Jean if you can hear me right now you really need to-” He shot back in his chair as a sudden flame of psychic energy filled his mind. “Oh my god,” He said aloud.

 

“What’s wrong, professor?” asked Scott as Jean Grey began to shake violently.

 

“It’s here,” replied Xavier. “Everyone out of the lander, now!” he shouted as he unlocked his wheelchair and rolled toward the exit. The ceiling of the craft burst into flame as Jean ceased to shake, seemingly regaining control over her body as she rose into the fire which now spread from treetop to treetop. Soon they were surrounded by an inferno.

 

“What the hell is going on with her?” asked Deadpool as he stared at the blaze, Jean Grey levitating above it, seemingly reveling in the destruction it was causing.

 

“That’s not Jean,” replied Xavier. “That’s the Phoenix.”

 

The earth trembled beneath their feet as the screeching cry of the behemoth queen rang out, the flaming trunk of a fully engulfed tree behind them being torn away as the massive Lovecraftian horror lurking behind stepped out to reveal itself. The fire around them roared with renewed vigor as it slapped at the flanks of the alien monstrosity which now challenged it. A line of small explosions ran down the line of the enormous beast’s back, each impact sending out a spirt of acid blood. The bullet holes were only pinpricks in the massive creature’s thick exoskeleton, but they were enough to draw the creature’s attention. I flew by for another pass, the dual miniguns of the exosuit whirling again into action. Using the targeting system of the ebony helmet, I blasted a bolt of plasma into the xenomorph queen’s face with my next pass; her skeletal cable tail whipping past me as I flew by, missing my armored skull by inches. I twisted in the air and flew up to meet the Phoenix where she levitated.

 

“Time for the final battle,” I said grinning. “Honestly though,” I said, motioning down to my armored crotch. “I’m surprised you can’t see my erection through all this steel plating. Because this is going to be orgasmnic.”

 

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Chapter 20 - Act 23- Extinction event

The Phoenix wrapped herself in flame and dove towards the xenomorph queen screeching below us; the heat of her fire pitting the carapace of the immense monster. Cyclops issued a massive blast of energy from his eyes into the creature’s chest, forcing it to step back into the jungle in hesitation. Wolverine charged; his adamantium blades extended. He leapt onto the gargantuan creature among the flames and began to climb up the beast with his claws; leaping from leg to chest, the needlepoint teeth and scythe-like claws of the beast slashing out at him as fire licked it sides. Logan leapt from the chest of the beast out onto one of its arms, racking his claw through the creature’s appendage as he ran down its length before jumping off to attack again. The screaming monster clutched at its new crippled arm as continue laser blasts from Cyclops’s energy vision pushed it back into the all-consuming fire sparked by the Phoenix. Twin explosions went off on both sides of the xenomorph queen’s massive cowl as I came to hover before it; the laser light of my shoulder cannon pointed directly at the creature’s snarling face.

 

With a whip like crack the creature’s bladed tail shot out towards me as I summoned my voidspear to parry the blow. Swinging the blade around in a tight arc I pierced the segmented tail of the monster; severing it a foot from the chitinous spear tip end. The gigantic beast reached out in an attempt to snatch me from the sky and drag me into the consuming flames with it, but its grasp was halted by an energy blast from Scott which pierced through the monsters hand. Wounded and on the verge of defeat, the giant creature stepped back further into the fire, a dissatisfied hissing shriek issuing from its razor sharp maw.

 

“It’s time I showed you all my final form,” I said as the voidspear in my palm began to pulse. Its surface, appearing like a hole in the very fabric of reality, began to leak out. Cracks began to spread in the air surrounding it; the reality chipping away like flecks of old paint, revealing the nothing beneath. I swung the weapon around my head, leaving nothing but a black and empty void as it continued to tear through existence. In a final act of defiance, the xenomorph queen crouched and lunged at me, jaws wide. I stepped past her attack in the blink of an eye, a long tear in the fabric of reality through which my spear had passed stretched out behind me. The creature’s gargantuan body fell to the scorched earth below it, having been separated at the neck by the infinite chasm of the void. Its immense skull fell to the ground next to it.

 

Jean Grey screamed as the fire surrounding her extinguished itself and she fell from the sky. Cyclops caught her as she fell, asking her if she was all right.

 

“Just confused,” she replied. “The last thing I remember was being in the caves. That and the immense terror. But it’s gone now,” she concluded. “Everything is going to be okay.”

 

“I don’t know about that.” Said Logan as he looked around at the massive blaze that had quickly enveloped the forests as far as the eye could see. Thunder rolled across the expanse as massive cracks began to appear in the solid blue ice sheet above us. Small sections began to break free and fall to the earth below; their size seemingly growing as they hurtled closer to the ground. As they landed with a crash it was apparent that the smallest of these falling chunks of ice were the size of tanks.

 

“Does anyone have a plan here?” asked Scott. “Professor?” The professor was silent.

 

“I might have an idea.” I said. “But you probably won’t like it.”

 

“We’ll take anything at this point” replied Logan.

 

“All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. What I need you all to do,” I began. “Is tap your heels together three times and say ‘there’s no place like home.’”

 

“Are- are you fvcking with us right now?” asked Scott, his eye twitching. “I swear to god-”

 

“There’s only one way to find out, Cyclops,” I said with a grin. Deadpool instantly attempted it, and upon completion he disappeared completely from the ash and smoke filled jungle.

 

“See?” I said. “You had all you needed inside yourselves the whole time. That’s a good moral for a story, right?”

 

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” shouted Xavier as the other X-men began to disappear as well.

 

“What do you mean?” I said.

 

“My legs are paralyzed, you asshole.” He snapped at me

 

“Right, right, sorry about that.” I said. “Jean, you want to help him out with that? Thanks.”

 

“There’s no place like home,” he said with a glare at me as Jean Grey bent to tap his heels together. In an instant the smoldering fires of the primordial jungle beneath Antarctica faded into the mahogany trim of his study. He looked around at his papers, his books, all exactly as he had left them. Deadpool waved from the far side of the room then resumed pouring himself a glass of scotch from Charles’s personal collection. The remaining members of the team all stood around the space.

 

“God damn,” I said, fading back into their reality; still wearing my exosuit and awesome biohelmet. “Was that intense or what? You guys were excellent; that was a blast.”

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” demanded Xavier. “Look around,” he continued. “My team has been bitten, stabbed, and shot with projectile, incendiary, and plasma-based weaponry. We’ve been tracked by mercenaries, attacked by dinosaurs, hunted by predators, and abducted by aliens. We were responsible for the destruction of a million year old ecosystem, We have suffered damages physically, mentally, psychically, emotionally…” he trailed off, his rising anger blocking his train of thought.

 

“Financially!” shouted Deadpool from across the room, having by this point abandoned the glass of ice in favor of drinking directly from the bottle. “I was getting paid to deliver the scientific breakthrough of the century. My buyer isn’t interested in a bunch of data from a smoldering crater.” He paused to take another long pull. “And another one,” he began, his speech slurring slightly. “That time I got cockblocked by those aliens. Rogue was totally going to sit on my face.”

 

“My power would drain your life force; you’d pass out in like, five seconds, tops,” interjected Rogue. “It wouldn’t even be worth it.”

 

“Believe me babe, it would be worth it,” he replied as all the men in the audience nodded in agreement.  “So come on, you said I’d be compensated. Pay up.”

 

“Of course, mister Wilson, of course.” I said as I walked over to a doorway which had just appeared. “I am a man of my word. Welcome to the Champaign Room.” I opened the door to reveal five anthropomorphic dinosaur women of extreme beauty, all scantily clad in caveman-themed lingerie.

 

“Please tell me I get to touch the dancers,” he asked, looking over to me excitedly.

 

“They would be disappointed if you didn’t,” I replied grinning. Could you do me a quick favor, and turn on that boombox as you leave? It’s time for the final credits.” Deadpool smashed his finger into the button as he ran through the door which closed and disappeared behind him. The screeching beat of Front 242’s Headhunter blaring through the speakers as a list of names began to scroll in front of us.

 

“Stop this, stop it right now,” demanded Charles Xavier. “And who the hell is Patrick Stewart?” he said as he saw his own name scroll past. “Answer me!”

 

“He was that guy who played Picard on Star Trek.” I replied.

 

“Not that,” he replied angrily. “Did any of this mean anything? What was this all for?”

 

“My own amusement, Charles,” I replied as Shadowcat, Jubilee, Psylocke, Scarlet Witch, and X-23 stepped into the room, wearing very little clothing. Jean, Storm, and Mystique joined them and they all began kissing each other intimately.  “My own amusement,” I concluded as the scene before me devolved into a lesbian orgy, the industrial beat fading away as the boom box switched to the next song; Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley.

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Chapter 21 - Uneven Edge Exclusive Post Credits Orgy Spectacular!

The constant pounding of the bass which echoed through velveteen walls of the Champagne Room was like a heartbeat; the regularly pulsating thump throbbing through the muffled walls of the chamber spoke to the mind at its most primal level, the instinctual evocations drowning out any hope of rational thought coalescing within the more advanced parts of the brain. The lighting within the small octagonal room was equally obscuring; the amber glow of the dim moodlight above barely reaching the dark red and black leopard print which adorned the walls. Within that darkness, silent shapes moved, circling around their prey. In the middle of this primal pit of passion, Deadpool sat up in a large round bed, watching as the shadows danced erotically in the darkness; the momentary flash of bare scaled skin visible as for an instant as the hunters moved too closely into the light.

 

The pulsations of the bass within the room began to die down as the far-off DJ began to spin the next track. Distracted for an instant by the change, Deadpool lost track of the darkened figures which hunted in the shadows. The room around him was still; the only heartbeat he could feel was his own, the pounding suddenly amplified within his chest as he sat for an unbearable moment in the empty darkness.

 

The darkness in front of him shifted as one of the figures stepped into the periphery of the light before him. Deep shadows still cast over her visage as she came forward just close enough that Deadpool had to squint his eyes shut (@Fuggiepoo) to be able to see her. The low light cast fierce shadows across her sharply contoured face, revealing a ferocious beauty. Her narrow birdlike jawline left no doubt that she was in fact a carnivore; and the yellow, slit-pupil eyes which set above high cheekbones held within them the piercing gaze of a beast mid hunt. Lower, the faint outline of her lithe frame was barely visible within the darkness; Deadpool could barely make out the curves of her small perky breasts as they gently rose with each of the creature’s quick breaths.  His eyes were once again drawn to hers; their glow in the darkness mesmerizing. She opened her mouth slightly; thin lips parting to reveal a row of razor sharp teeth within. As Deadpool continued to stare down the hunter in the shadows, a slash of movement to his left startled him. He turned his head just in time to see another one of the reptilian women leap from the shadows; landing on a standing position on the bed next to him, his face mere inches from the pink opening between her emerald and white scaled legs.

 

“Clever girl,” said Deadpool as a pair of clawed scaly hands wrapped around the back of his head, grinding his open mouth forcefully onto her wet cloaca.

 

Meanwhile, back in the foyer of Xavier’s mansion, the lesbian orgy had only just begun. Kitty, who had entered the room wearing a lacy pink lingerie top with matching panties, was the first to initiate contact; reaching beneath the strap of Jubilee’s bright yellow bikini top and playfully running her finger along the length of the fabric, her fingernails gently rubbing across the tanned flesh beneath.  Jubilee giggled nervously before biting her lip and leaning over to Kitty to steal a quick kiss; a kiss which was reciprocated as kitty’s lips followed Jubilee’s as they disengaged. Coming forward again more boldly, Jubilee’s open mouth once again clasped onto Kitty’s willing lips; her hands reaching downwards, gently caressing the sides of the lingerie-clad woman before her as her hands made her way to Kitty’s hips and the barrier of frilly pink fabric which sealed away her lustiest parts. Kitty’s attention shifted from the strap of Jubilee’s swimsuit as she moved her hand directly over the Asian woman’s small perky breasts, her stimulated nipples clearly visible through the yellow cloth. Kitty phased through the swimsuit top as she made contact with Jubilee’s waiting breasts, which heaved with nervous excitement as Kitty began to massage them.

 

Next to them, Wanda Maximoff and Psylocke were in a similar state of engagement, with Psylocke having just removed Wanda’s black and red lace top as Wanda grasped Psylocke’s firm buttocks. She leaned her head back in ecstasy as the other woman fondled her now exposed breasts; a quick gasp of surprised pleasure breaking free from her ruby-red lips as Psylocke’s tongue lashed out at her pert nipple.

X-23, wearing nothing more than a light silver chain which hung suspended between the piercings in her nipples, stalked over to the visibly shocked Jean Grey, forcefully grabbing her by the back of the head and pulling her into a deep kiss. Jean resisted at first, but the unabated passion with which X-23’s mouth consumed hers made her weak in the knees. After mere moments of resistance Jean folded to the temptation; her tense muscles began to relax as she gave into the seduction, her clenched hands loosening until finally opening and cupping X-23’s large breasts. Using her thumb to manipulate X-23’s nipple piercing, Jean pulled back and began kissing at her neck and collar bone as X-23 reached over and began to unzip Jean’s combat uniform.

 

Mystique leaned in closely to Storm as they watched the scene unfold around them. She brushed the dark-skinned woman’s white hair aside and bent down to gently caress the nape of her neck, eyes never leaving the action. She kissed again, lower and deeper as Storm let out a low moan and reached her hand back down between Mystique’s legs. Stepping forwards slightly Mystique continued her kissed down Storm ‘s ebony neck as she reached into her combat suit and began rubbing the large chocolate mound of breast within. Legs now slightly spread, Storm’s fingers more easily found there destination within Mystique’s crevice. She gasped slightly as the first digit found its way inside of her, biting her lip and wincing slightly as the second entered. As the fingers rhythmically pounded in and out of her, both Mystique and Storm struggled to maintain concentration on watching the other women before them, but the temptation was too great. Spinning around, Storm dropped to her knees to better administrate to Mystique’s hungry beaver. She paused for a moment; intimidated by the fearsome creature which now stared her down. Above the mound of dark blue flesh a fire red shock of pubic hair tufted out in a small downwards facing triangle. Beneath this bright red arrow, the blue flesh gave way to a recessed compartment of pure pink musculature; within which her fingers were now tightly bound. She withdrew her long brown phalanges to the last knuckle, to the white bases of her painted fingernails; the corded layers of flushed silk wrapping them tightly all the while. With a slight twitch, Storm’s fingers moved within the final centimeter of Mystique's love canal. Her outer labia, glistening now with her own juices, quivered along with the movement of Storm’s hesitant caress. Gathering her courage Storm spread her fingers wide, the lips parting easily; a gaping maw opening wide to devour any and all that enter. She swallowed once involuntarily before parting her own lips wide and inserting her tongue as deeply as possible within the eager opening. Her teeth ground into the peak of Mystique's most sensitive part as she reached her maximum depth. Like a Venus flytrap Mystique’s inner walls snapped closed around the deeply buried tongue within. There it stayed for a moment, before the strain on her mouth forced Storm to pull back her penetration. Slowly, as the suction of Mystique’s vestibule was reluctant to give way, Storms tongue withdrew from Mystique; the bumps of her taste buds pressed tightly against the now saturated cords of flesh which closed in around it. With a quick jab, Storms tongue entered her again; the arc higher than before, this volley strumming the hidden nerve bundle which lay there. A quivering contraction shook through the flesh surrounding Storm’s tongue as she withdrew once more; once again momentarily raking across Mystique’s g-spot with the dorsal side of her tongue. The tip of her tongue meandered upwards, now focused on the throbbing clitoris which had descended from its hood at the top of the vagina. Flicking her tongue ravenously against the small fleshy pearl, Storm once again inserted her fingers. Mystique inhaled sharply at the at the assault, closing her yellow eyes and tipping her head back as she bit her lower lip. To her side, the sound of rustling cloth attracted her attention.

 

Rogue, being unable to join in on the orgy due to her life-absorbing skin, had taken a place on the sidelines in order to observe the main event. Index finger raised to her supple crimson-purple painted lips, she bit down on her vinyl-gloved digit as her other hand worked one of the large breasts which remained hidden beneath the dark material of her combat uniform. She cupped the bottom of the large round mass of flesh and fabric in her palm, kneading the tissue roughly. Her thumb and forefinger latched onto her nipple as she began squeezing at the sensitive pebble of skin bound tightly beneath her restrictive clothing. She bit down harder on the glove, pinching and tugging at the nipple though the fabric. Mystique now stared her directly in the eye; her face intermittently contorted by small spasms of pleasure which rippled through her. Mystique adjusted her footing once again, now affording Rogue an unobstructed view of where she and Storm connected. Rogue’s teeth released their grip as a sudden twinge of pain cut through her entranced state; she was momentarily shocked by how forcefully she had been biting down. She slid her finger across her lips, streaking the lipstick in the corner of her mouth, before meandering downwards. In a single flawless motion the finger trailed down from her lips, past her exposed collarbone, down and around the other firmly bound breast and nipple, before finally finding its way down to the tight crotch of her combat-suit pants. She began to rub vigorously at the intersection of the seams; the friction caused by her gloved finger along the fabric between her legs creating a warming sensation which saturated through her clothing to the eager flesh beneath. She pressed her fingers as deeply into the flexible material as they could go, successfully parting her labia around them. A deluge of wetness quickly saturated the material which separated herself as she began to rock her fingers back and forth into the gap she had created.

 

The first screams of orgasm came from Jubilee; a series of quick high-pitched chirps escaped her lips as the electric edges of pleasure began pulse through her. The chirps evolved to a rapid repetition of the word “fuck” as she finished in a high pitched squeal; kicking her legs out wildly as she was driven over the edge and lost control. Sparks shot from her palms, scorching the lacquered wooden floor as she grasped desperately at the smooth surface in a vain attempt at grounding herself. She was unsuccessful as another powerful orgasm shook through her almost immediately after the first had passed. Unable to take anymore stimulation, she reached down to push Kitty away from her unceasingly powerful cunnilingus, however her hand passed directly through the other woman’s head. Kitty, her face phased through Jubilee’s crotch, left only her tongue tangible as it wriggled deeply through her most sensitive parts.

 

“No more, please,” she gasped as she reached down between her legs, cupping her hand around the thick puffy labia majora and the rapidly contracting vagina which lay within. She closed her legs around her hand, running an occasional finger through the sopping we gap as she attempted to catch her breath. Kitty watched her playfully for a moment before reaching for her chin and pulling her into a deep kiss. The taste of her own aphrodisiacal juices saturating the tongue which was now being thrust into her mouth was overpowering, and she soon found herself fighting Kitty’s tongue for dominance of the pink and ivory arena that was their combined mouths. Breaking free of the embrace, Kitty smiled mischievously as she pushed Jubilee back down. As she stood, the pink frilly lingerie faded though her, falling to the floor. She reached down with both hands; fingers raking through the wisps of sandy brunette hairs which adorned her mons pubis. Below them; the bright pink color contrasted sharply against her pale skin, hung Kitty Pryde’s large, meaty pussy lips. Grasping them with both hands, she stretched the wet membranes impressively wide as she descended onto Jubilee’s waiting face.

 

Near them, X-23 had just finished removing the last of Jean’s clothing; the white cotton panties coming free from her pelvis with a tearing sound as the feral woman ripped them off with her teeth. Jet black hair darkly framed her face as she stared up Jean, a ferocious grin crossing her lips with a snarl as she grabbed her pale legs and flipped her onto her back. Before she could react Jean found herself staring up at her own ankles, clutched in the hands of the impossibly strong X-23 who now stared down at her, having not broken eye contact for the duration of the maneuver. Her nostrils flared as she hovered over the bright ginger patch of pubic hair which haloed the small lips of her pale-pink genitalia. Opening her mouth slowly, she extended a pierced tongue which pressed gradually into the rapidly moistening crevasse. A quiver of anticipation ran through Jean as the small adamantium barbell which poked out from the center of X-23’s tongue made contact with her clitoris. With a purr of amusement, she pulled her tongue back before swinging her body around and positioning herself directly over Jean, with one leg on either side of her head. Jean stared up at the savage cunt of the woman who now squatted above her. Jean gasped as once again the cold metallic barbell made contact with her stimulation-hungry clit. A fierce snarl appeared on X-23’s wild face as she smashed herself down onto Jean’s open mouth. Shocked by the sudden assault, she gasped for air as she twisted her head about; attempting to escape. Above her, X-23 rode her face vigorously while pounding her tongue deep into Jean’s pale snatch. Desperate for air, Jean attempted to scream out in submission, but her voice was literally muff-led by the thick layers of flesh, hair, and fluids. X-23 relented momentarily, lifting herself from Jean’s face as she withdrew her tongue. Jean lay gasping for a moment, staring again at the dripping quim above. She could feel X-23’s hot breath on her own moist lips; twitching in anticipation. Taking another gasp of air, Jean reached up and pulled X-23’s hips back down onto her face. She forced her tongue deep into the angry pussy which ground roughly into her face; above her, X-23 inserting a finger into her ginger minge as she manipulated Jean’s clit with her tongue.

 

A crackle of energy hummed to life as Psylocke moaned and bit her lip, squeezing an erect nipple between her thumb and forefinger. Before her knelt the Scarlet Witch; who had momentarily paused in her cunnilingus. A red glow appeared around her hands, the energy coalescing into a bright neon phallus roughly nine inches in length. The beam of energy pulsed in her hands as she grabbed the ethereal wang. In a smooth motion, she ran her tongue from the base to the tip; her ruby red lips wrapping around the rounded end of the instrument, sucking like a lollypop before removing it from her mouth with a pop. The red energy beam crackled again with excitement as Wanda looked up at Psylocke lustily. Psylocke reached down; opening her moist, purple-tinged labial folds in anticipation. Both she and Wanda watched as the hot red shaft entered her with ease; the glow disappearing within her as Wanda pushed against Psylocke’s tight inner walls. Psylocke moaned as Wanda bottomed out within her, the fingers wrapped around the base of the psychic sex toy caressing her lower lips. Wanda lowered her head, again sliding her tongue along the vibrating beam of energy. As she reached the throbbing bead of Psylocke’s engorged clitoris, she wrapped her tongue around the small sensitive organ and, taking within her lips, began to suckle at it while sliding the glowing phallus in and out. Using her other hand, Wanda reached down to her own erogenous zone. Spreading her red lips apart with her thumb and middle finger, she inserted her index finger deeply into herself. Wetness dripped down her inner thigh as she worked both vaginas. Disengaging from Psylocke’s clit she stood; removing the finger from within her and placing it before the other woman, who eagerly wrapped her lips around the glistening digit. Reaching her hand out to her side, purple-pink psionic energy burst forth from her with a blinding flash. The energy phallus Psylocke now held was easily twice the size of the one created by Wanda, and her eyes went wide as she lay on her back; legs spread in preparation. Standing above her with a wicked grin, Psylocke sunk the psionic energy beam deep within her velveteen folds. Wanda gasped as the electric energy plunged into her; the tingling sensation within her unlike anything she had ever felt. Psylocke, now lying across from her, took the other end of the energy beam and pressed it into herself. She slid herself down its crackling length as far as she could, her nether lips brushing softly against Wanda’s as her thrust terminated. Their two genitalia sat kissing for a moment; their juices mingling as they enjoyed the electrical sensation which filled them both. Wanda pushed forwards first, shifting the beam inside them and rubbing their clits together momentarily before rocking back; this action was then mirrored by Psylocke, who reached a hand forwards to massage one of Wanda’s breasts. They moaned simultaneously as the scissoring action became more vigorous, the bolt of energy which connected them vibrating intensely as it pumped between their orifices. The moans evolved as the sensations became more intense; finally culminating in a shared scream of triumph as a simultaneous orgasm surged through them.

 

Mystique, who had been watching the exchange closely as Storm‘s tongue and fingers worked her snatch, was also on the verge of orgasm. With a final vigorous thrust, Storm took her over the edge; she cried out in exhilaration as Storm’s fingers raked across her g-spot, sending waves of orgasm coursing through her entire blue body. Rogue tore at her combat suit as she watched the convulsions of pleasure before her; a single breast popping free from the restrictive material as she reached down to unzip her pants. Pulling them down to her ankle and sitting up on the desk, she spread her legs wide and began to rub herself through her see-through black mesh panties, which by this point were dripping with her wetness. As she watched; Mystique, still weak in the knees, bent Storm over and ran her tongue along the crevice of her sculpted ebony buttocks. She paused, momentarily, flicking her tongue across the winking brown eye buried deep within. Running a finger down the moistened trail created by her tongue, Mystique pressed at the balloon knot until finally it relented; allowing her finger deep inside the impossibly tight ring of muscle. Once inside, Mystique turned her attention to the mocha-tinged lips below. Storm cried out in ecstasy as Mystique’s tongue morphed and contorted within her vagina; mercilessly hammering against her most sensitive parts. Rogue, eyes still transfixed by the erotic show before her, pulled her mesh panties aside, revealing a white-streaked carpet that did in fact match the curtains. Her still-gloved fingers pushed deeply into her virgin pussy; the impeccably shaped lips wrapping tightly around the black vinyl as she thrust into herself again and again. Warmth spread up from her pussy as her self-fucking reached a fever pitch. She screamed as the built-up pressure finally broke; her suppressed sexual energy gushing forth as a torrent of orgasmic liquids burst free around her fingers, splashing wetly to the floor in front of her.

 

X-23, still grinding against Jean’s face, came almost immediately afterwards in a shower of wetness that dripped down Jean’s face; the redheaded woman beneath her coming as well. Her shouts of ecstasy were muffled within X-23’s ferocious cunt, but the throbbing motions of her own ginger clit was unmistakable. Next to them, Kitty Pryde had grabbed onto the back of Jubilee’s head; phasing her hips through the Asian teen’s head as she roughly fucked the young girl’s tongue until she came. Storm screamed as Mystique inserted another finger into her anus; stretching the small hole impossibly wide as her tongue probed the black woman’s vagina to orgasm. All parties now satisfied to the point of exhaustion, the various X-women collapsed in a pile of sweat and orgasmic fluids.

 

Meanwhile, in the Champaign Room, the situation could not have been more chaotic. Fear and exhilaration filled the dark room; the sole amber light having long since been destroyed. Within the darkness, Deadpool was both the hunter and the prey in a deadly game. His ammunition long since expired, Wade now held onto a small knife, his only defense against the monsters which stalked the shadows. With a predatory cry, one of the raptor-women leapt onto him, her dark blue scales shimmering in the darkness. Knocking the small knife away with a flick of her clawed hands, she brought her cloaca roughly down onto his exposed pelvis; a look of ravenous hunger in her glowing yellow eyes as she rode his dick ferociously. A fierce snarl crossed her face as she lifted her hand up to comb through her long hair-like quills. He stared up at the perfectly shaped scaly breasts of the reptilian woman above him, struggling to maintain his wits as her hot wet cloaca ground up and down the length of his cock. Like a flash of lightening she struck; her razor sharp talons ripping through the air towards his throat. He was barely able to dodge the sudden attack; her claws leaving deep gashes in the sheet and bed where hit head had been only moments before. Summoning the strength of his resolve, he lifted the creature off him and tossed her across the room. He was barely free for a moment before another of the beasts pounced. This time, however he was prepared for the attack, and caught the screeching woman mid-leap; twisting her around before slamming her roughly to the bed. Moving her scaled tail out of the way, he thrust himself deeply into the ravenous beast’s hole.

 

Like a panicked animal he pounded at her, eyes constantly scanning; aware that at any moment he could be attacked but willing to risk it for the almost surreal pleasure found within this strange third hole; neither vagina nor anus but with the qualities of each. Against his better judgement, he released one of the woman’s clawed hands and instead grabbed a handful of her scaled breast. She hissed in protest.

Searing hot pain tore through his back as one of the other beasts leaped onto him, tearing him away from his conquest and sending him to the floor. As quickly as she had attacked, she disappeared; leaving Deadpool alone once again in the darkness. As he lay there, a clawed reptilian foot appeared by the side of his head; another on the other side. Following the contour of the black and red scaled legs up into the darkness, he found himself staring up between the legs of the alpha. She issued a long, low hiss as the glowing eyes of the other females poked out in the darkness around him, eager for a taste of his flesh. Above him, the alpha squat down onto his face, burying his vision in her black-scaled thighs as her cloaca descended onto his mouth. He ran his tongue along her moist reptilian hole as predatory cries rang out around him; the other females attacked; he could feel his genitals raked across the sharp teeth and hot tongues of the raptor women as they fought to take his meat into their mouths. Occasionally, the mouths would disappear momentarily and be replaced by the familiar cloacal sensation as the feral creatures took turns riding him. All the while his tongue thrust in and out of the beast above him; probing her hot juicy opening mercilessly. She ground onto his face violently before issuing a load orgasmic roar which sent the other females running for the shadows. The beast stood, stalking now towards his abandoned cock. Kneeling down, she gingerly licked off the fluids left by the other females before taking the whole of his member within her fanged mouth. Opening her jaw widely, she took Deadpool’s cock deep within her throat, the warm wetness of her oral cavity sliding down his shaft as she gave him a blowjob unlike any he’d experienced before. As the head of his penis rubbed against the ribbed interior of her seemingly gag-reflex-less throat, she sent a long reptilian tough out to wrap around and fondle his testicles. Overcome by the sensations, his hips began to move on their own as they thrust deeper into the alpha raptor-woman’s throat. He felt a build-up of pressure as his cock twitched within her; begging for release. He found himself grunting uncontrollably as the sensation filled him.

 

“Fuuuuuuuck!!!!!!” he shouted finally as he prepared to nut deep within the monster woman’s throat. In that instant; her razor sharp teeth clamped down.

 

And that’s how you end a fanfiction baby.

 

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Chapter 1 - Episode 1- Sponges joins the AV Club

A waxing moon hung high in the cloudless and blue-black September sky above Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. It was a blustery Saturday; a chill wind rattling against the windows of the mansion. A single light shone from a window in the classroom wing of the manor; the others as dark as the late weekend night. I walked quietly through the darkened hallway towards the light shining through the classroom door which had been left slightly ajar. As I approached, the sounds of furious exertion and high pitched cries drifted through the air towards me. I grinned widely and opened the door.

 

Several students sat around the room in beanbag chairs. Most were focused on the display screen of the projector, which was currently displaying a sword fight between two scantily-clad young animated females. In the back of the room focused on a pair of large televisions, another smaller group sat attempting to blast each other’s alien avatars to pieces with plasma weapons. Interspersed on the desks between these groups sat a handful of others engaged in all manner of card games. As I walked through the doorway, most glanced momentarily at me before returning their attention to their respective media, however one of the individuals who had been watching the firefight in the back of the room began walking towards me with a wide smile.

 

“Hello!” said they young Asian American woman with large bright pink sunglasses who stood before me. “Welcome to the AV club!”

 

“My name is Jubilee, and I’m the president,” she continued. “Cypher, the vice president, is in the back there.” A hand briefly waved out from the group centered on the video game.

 

“Hey, sorry, got a kill streak going!” He shouted without turning his head. He uttered a series of expletives in foreign languages and began manipulating the various buttons, triggers, and joysticks on his gamepad furiously.

 

“We’re usually a pretty laid back group,” Jubilee continued. “We meet up right here every Saturday at 8 o’clock and discuss the latest in the world of anime and gaming, then usually order pizza and hang out all night. Would you like to join?” she said with a smile as she handed me a sign-up sheet.

 

“Yeah sure, why not,” I said looking around. “Hey uh… you guys are cool, right?”

 

“God damn it, Sponges, get out here this instant.” A booming voice issued from the hallway. I turned to see Charles Xavier glaring at me furiously, his reddened face illuminated by the light which shown out into the darkened hallway.

 

“Yeah I better take this,” I said to Jubilee as I turned to walk out into the hallway with the enraged professor. “Be right back.”

 

Once we were both outside of the classroom with the door firmly shut behind us, Professor Xavier began to chastise me in a loud raspy whisper, attempting to not attract any more attention form the students still within the room.

 

“You have a lot of nerve, showing up again after what happened last time.” He glared up at me from his seat, a large vein in his forehead pulsing.

 

“Oh, come on Chuck,” I said with a grin. “Everything worked out fine in the end, didn’t it?”

 

A single huff of contemptuous laughter escaped his lips as he continued.

 

“It is one thing to torment myself and my faculty,” he said through grit teeth. “As we have chosen to be the X-Men, and we have chosen to face such dangers.” He paused and looked towards the brightly lit classroom before continuing. “These students have no place in your twisted games. Why don’t you just go play with Deadpool?”

 

“Yeah, Deadpool hasn’t really been talking to me much since that incident with my dinowhores.” I replied as a disgusted look crossed Charles Xavier’s face. “Hey, it’s not my fault; I told him to bring protection,” I continued. “As for the other thing,” I said as I opened the classroom door and shouted. “Adult Swim, kids out of the pool. 18+ only, you will be carded. Let’s go.” There was a grumbling as a handful of the younger members of the XAV club slowly made their way out the door. ”Better luck next time kids,” I said as they filed past me into the dark hallway back towards the dormitories. “There,” I said turning back to Charles. “Now everyone in that room is a consenting adult.”

 

Xavier looked into the room at the handful of remaining students. Jubilee saw him and flashed a wide smile. He smiled back politely at her before turning his attention back to me.

 

“Did you seriously make Jubilee the president of the anime club just because she’s Asian?” he asked. “That’s extremely racist. She isn’t even Japanese; she’s Chinese-American.”

 

“Hey now Charles,” I began. “I believe people of every nationality should be able to enjoy cartoons about barely dressed schoolgirls fighting rape demons with giant robots and whatnot. It sounds to me like you’re the prejudiced one. What’s next, only Asians should be allowed to cosplay because white people aren’t good enough? And for your information, I didn’t make anyone do anything. Do you think I would have opened that door if I knew there was an anime club behind it? Honestly I was hoping I was going to walk in on Raven and Starfire finger deep in each other.”

 

“Raven and Starf- THEY DON’T EVEN GO HERE!” The vein was once again throbbing in his forehead as he shouted at me.

 

“Hey, a man can dream, can’t he?” I said with a shrug.

 

Charles looked down at his chest and took a deep breath in through his nose. His tense shoulders dropped slightly as he exhaled a long and steady breath. He looked back up at me, the throbbing in his brow replaced by a slight tremor at the corner of his eye.

 

“I am going to bed now.” He said after a short pause and with consistent strain. He pointed back at the door before continuing. “Those students have classes beginning at 8 AM sharp on Monday morning. All of them had better be in their seats, unharmed, and prepared to learn by that time. Do you understand me?” I nodded. “And I swear to god,” he continued, “If I hear one more sentence about someone having sex with a dinosaur…”

 

“Charles, please, come on,” I replied, cutting him off. “This is anime night. It’s all about them tentacle monsters, baby.” With that his jaw clenched and the throbbing vein returned to his forehead. He glared at me for a moment before silently turning and wheeling back down the darkened corridor towards the main wing of the mansion.

 

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Chapter 2 - Episode 2- So what are we watching tonight?

“Right then, so, as promised,” I said as I stepped back into the classroom. “I’m going to need to see some IDs from you guys before we go any further.”

 

“You’re seriously going to card us?” said the goth-looking girl with the shaved head sitting on the beanbag farthest from the door watching the anime on the projector screen.

 

“Thank you for volunteering to go first.” I replied and held out my hand. She rolled her eyes and tossed her wallet to me. “Ms. Negasonic Teenage Warhead, age eighteen. All right all right all right.” I said in my best Matthew McConaughey impersonation. I tossed the wallet back to her with a smile; a disgusted expression crossed her face as she caught it and returned her attention to the anime.

 

“You’re up next big guy,” I said to one of the two remaining individuals still engaging in a game of cards and dice. “You too,” I said to his partner. They both fished through their pockets for a moment before tossing their wallets to me, never taking their eyes off from the cards in their hands. “Thank you very much Mr. Blob, age nineteen, and Mr. Toad, age eighteen.” I returned their wallets and made my way to the back of the room. The multilingual swearing of Cypher grew louder as I approached, his fingers flying across the buttons.

 

“God damn it, son of a bitch mother fucker!” He shouted finally as he threw down his controller; the scoreboard appearing on the screen signifying that he had just lost the death match, badly. The young man holding the other controller just shrugged.

 

“Don’t give me that shit, Prodigy.” Cypher continued accusingly. “You’re just using my skills against me.”

 

“Or maybe you’re just not as good at the game as I am,” replied Prodigy as he reached into his pocket and handed me his wallet. Cypher glared at him as he did the same.

 

“Both nineteen,” I said handing their identifications back.  “All right then, that just leaves you Jubilee.”

 

She handed her ID to me with a smile. “Nineteen as well, thank you.” I said handing it back to her.

 

“What was the point of all that?” asked Negasonic Teenage Warhead. “Seriously, that was like, at least six paragraphs of purely expositional bullshit. ‘The remaining members of the XAV Club were Blob, Toad, Jubilee, Prodigy, Cypher, and Negasonic Teenage Warhead, all of whom were of legal age of consent.’ One sentence. Not hard.” She said, still sitting arms crossed facing away from me towards the screen, which was currently displaying a massive explosion, fading into the ending credits. “I don’t even see why you need that last part on there, unless you’re planning on trying to do freaky shit with us, which, what are you, like, 30? That’s creepy dude.”

 

“Ouch,” I said frankly. “Words hurt, you know. But for your information, if you really must know, I’m pulling you guys from totally different continuities here and I wanted to establish you all as identities that would work in this situation, and not as say, the Blob who boxed Wolverine, or the Toad who got electrified by Storm.”

 

“Wait, what?” said Toad looking up suddenly from his cards.

 

“I really don’t think I could box Mr. Logan,” said Blob, turning slightly pale at the thought.

 

“Don’t worry about it you guys,” I said. “Those things occurred in alternate universes. You’re cool in this one. Well, I mean, relatively. Anyways, sorry about all of that,” I said as I sank down into the nearest beanbag chair and immediately regretted the decision; the miniature foam pellets filling the bag refusing to conform to my shape comfortably. I twisted noisily on the shifting mass, orientating myself towards the screen. “What are we watching tonight anyways?” I sank down into the nearest beanbag chair and turned my attention to the screen, which now displayed CGI robot man talking directly to the audience.

 

“It’s just Toonami,” said Cypher as he shut his console down and turned towards the screen as well. “Because these guys said they didn’t want to watch the bootleg copy of Touken Ranbu I got the day it came out in Japan.”

“Dude, none of the rest of us understand Japanese,” said Toad as he collected his cards from the table and packed them neatly in a case.

 

“Well then you’re missing arguably the most essential part of the anime,” replied Cypher. “You cannot really understand it the way it was meant to be understood.”

 

“Ok, come on Cypher,” said Jubilee. “We don’t need another argument about how you understand anime on a deeper level than everyone else. Anyways the commercial break is about to be over, Sword Art Online is coming on.”

 

“Never seen it,” I said as the intro began. “Does somebody want to catch me up?”

 

“Awww man, It’s amazing.” Blob replied as he grabbed a few slices of pizza from one of the several boxes that sat on a series of desks on one side of the room. “So there’s this video game that people play on a device that simulates all five senses in your brain,” he began as he quickly returned to his seat to watch the episode as it began. “It feels totally real, like you’re actually there. Anyways, there are a bunch of people who get stuck in it, and this one guy has to break them all out. Shhh… it’s starting!” he said as he took a mouthful of pizza and stared at the screen.

 

“Dude, this is a rerun,” said Toad. “You’ve seen this episode what, three times now?”

 

“Eight, I bought the BluRays,” replied Blob, his eyes still transfixed on the screen.

 

“So you’re saying they’re transported into some kind of digital universe?” I asked as the episode played.  “That’s remarkably similar to my power, what with the whole being able to take people through alternate universes thing…”

 

“Wait,” said Blob, his attention torn away from the projector screen. He now stared at me, mouth half agape and full of bits of pepperoni, cheese, and crust. “Are you saying you could take us into an anime?”

 

“If Professor X asks, I did not come up with that idea.” I said as I turned to the assembled members of the XAV club. “So, where shall we go?”

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Chapter 3 - Episode 3- Picking an Anime

“Sword Art Online, obviously,” said Blob as he pointed excitedly towards the projected anime. “Seriously, have you ever seen anything more awesome than this?”

 

“Ehhhh….” I said warily as I watched the action on screen. “I mean, it’s all right, I just don’t really… I mean, think of it like this; you’re asking to go to a universe in which you play a video game. Doesn’t that seem kind of… I mean, why not just ask to go into a real video game, you know?”

 

“Ooh, how about Kill La Kill?” suggested Toad.

 

“Never seen it,” I replied. “However I have seen a lot of porn centered around it.  That and the weird ‘Oooh’ sound you made before suggesting it is probably going to make me say no; promised Xavier I’d try to keep it cleaner this time around.”

 

“What, fvcking Shounen Jump anime only?” replied Cypher with a scoff. “You  may as well just take us into Bleach and  have us run through an empty desert all night.”

 

“Sick burn, yo” I said obligatorily as I reached out to fist bump Cypher, who declined the offer. “And anyways, I said I’d *try* to keep it clean. All right Mr. ‘I watch anime better than you,’ what would you recommend?”

 

“Hah, you’ve never heard of it,” said Cypher cockily. “I’m not even going to bother asking. I do have a request of a different sort,” he continued. “Whichever anime you choose, I ask that we experience it the way it was intended to be experienced; in the Japanese language.” A collective groan issued from the other members of the anime club. Blob peeled a small piece of pepperoni from the top of his pizza and flicked it at Cypher’s head.

 

“Ok guys, come on,” I said as I dissolved the pepperoni slice midflight. “Don’t be dicks, I’m feeling like a benevolent god today. You know what Cypher? There is a universe where I know your favorite anime. There is a universe where we all go there and just have an amazing time. Seriously, the best time of your life. When you’re 90 years old dying in a hospital bed, you’re going to be reminiscing about how awesome this adventure was. Would you like to go to that universe? It’s simple; I can send you there, and bring the you from there here. What do you say?”

 

“Seriously? Yeah, of course I’m in,” he said “let’s do this.”

 

“It’s already been done.” I said. “I swapped you as soon as you said ‘in.’ How’s that for a sick burn motherfvcker?” The pepperoni slice rematerialized and slapped into his forehead, leaving a red film of tomato sauce before dropping to the floor.

 

“Aww shit, you need to put some ice on that one,” said Prodigy.

 

“What’s your pick, smart guy?” I asked him.

 

“Uhh… You know I always wanted to learn alchemy…”  He began.

 

“Nope, vetoed,” said Jubilee. “They didn’t have smart phones back then.”

 

“I guess that rules out Samurai Champloo, and also Afro Samurai, and really, pretty much anything with samurai anywhere near it.” I replied. “All right, madam president, what’s your suggestion then?”

 

“Code Geass,” she said confidently.

 

“Hmmm… yeah, that’s a possibility,” I sat thinking it over. “ Giant robots, super powers, plus there’s a certain table I’ve really been meaning to visit…”

 

“No, vetoed,” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead. “Too many bright colors and stupid plot twists.”

 

“You can’t veto, only the president can veto,” rebutted Jubilee.

 

“Seriously?” replied Negasonic Teenage Warhead. “You just said no to pretty much every anime set before 2005. I can say no to one suggestion, especially one as terrible as Code Geass. What, you want to be one of Zero’s harem or something?” Jubilee blushed slightly. “Aww, you do; that’s so lame,” Negasonic Teenage Warhead said bitingly.

 

“Hey, guys come on now,” I interjected. “Wherever we go, we’re going there as a team. We need to build each other up, not tear each other down. The feelings of others are important, and we need to recognize them. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. G.I. Joeeee!”

 

The two of them stared at me or a moment before continuing their argument.

 

“Fine them Miss Angstygoth,” Jubilee shot back, “Where would *you* like us to go?”

 

“I want to meet a Shinigami.” Negasonic Teenage Warhead replied, her dour expression momentarily revealing traces of the underlying excitement which were far too great to suppress.

 

“Seriously?” asked Cypher, dumbfounded. “When I said dip us in Bleach earlier I was being sarcastic.”

 

“Well hang on now, think about it,” I said as I interlocked my fingers in front of my face Gendo-style. “The series may have just dragged on interminably, but it did have interesting concepts. You guys could all get your own zanpakuto.” I whipped out my voidspear and held it aloft. “Here is mine. I call it the voidspear because I’m terrible at naming things. I’m sure you’d all have better luck though.”

 

“That’s not the Shinigami I was talking about, you fucking idiots,” replied Negasonic Teenage Warhead angrily. “I want a Death Note.”

 

“Ha, you want to see L x Light yaoi is more like it,” Jubilee said as she crossed her arms and leaned to one side, her head cocked slightly with a fierce expression on her face.

 

“Hey! No! We’ll have none of that now.” I interjected, pointing my finger in the air. “No yaoi. Not that I’m against it; it’s just that I would rather not have to witness it.”

 

“I gotta say,” said Toad, “Death Note sounds like less fun than Bleach. I mean, if we’re just writing in notebooks it’s going to be about as exciting as sitting through Ms. Grey’s Bio lectures.”

 

“Fine then,” Negasonic Teenage Warhead snapped back with a slight shake of her head.  “Hellsing Ultimate.”

 

“Ugh, no,” replied Jubilee with disgust. “Nothing with vampires. Besides, you don’t get to pick twice. Our options are on the table here.”

 

“Not all of our options,” I replied. “As the newest member of the XAV club I thing I am entitled to a suggestion.”

 

There was an awkward silence.

 

“Actually you’re not a full member until you pay the membership fee,” said Cypher finally. “Its $100, and it goes to cover things like the pizzas and game purchases and things like that.”

 

“That’s kind of on the steep end, don’t you think?” I asked.

 

“We… eat a lot of pizza.” He replied, glancing over to Blob who was currently taking the last slice from a box.

 

“All right, fine.” I said as I pulled out the cash I had taken from his wallet earlier and handed it to Cypher.

 

“How about a classic that everyone loves?” I asked. “Cowboy Bebop. We can hunt bounties in space, meet up with Spike and the gang, who knows what wacky adventures will ensue?”

 

“I can live with that one,” stated Negasonic Teenage Warhead. A collective nod of approval resonated through the group.

 

“So it’s decided,” said Jubilee excitedly. “How do we start?”

 

“First we have to get into my spaceship.” I said as I pulled a small baggie from my pocket.

 

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Chapter 4 - Episode 4- Why hello there, Space Cowboy

The thick clouds of smoke hung in the air before expanding before us. They seemed to inflate without dissipating, as they phased through the glass cockpit of the small spaceship which had suddenly replaced the classroom around us. The clouds faded from view as we passed through the thick atmosphere of Venus and into the black void of space.

 

“Holy fuck…” said Toad as he peered out the port hole to his side, the massive green sphere of the planet falling away from us at high speed. He turned suddenly from the window and bent down, grasping his knees.

 

“You better not fucking throw up on me,” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead standing next to him.

 

“I’m fine,” he said in a voice which did not inspire much confidence. “I just… I need to lay down or something.”

 

“Bunks are down the hallway to the left,” I said. “Bathroom is at the end of the hall. Hallway to the right leads to the kitchen and common area, and the door across from the cockpit leads to the engine room and docking bay.” I pressed the autopilot button and stood up from my pilot’s chair to stretch. “It’ll be about 8 hours until we hit the asteroid Tijuana, so if you guys want to get some sleep or whatever, now’s the time to do it. Otherwise I’m probably going to go watch some Ghost in the Shell or something if anybody wants to join me.” With that, we departed the crowded control room and dispersed about the ship.

 

******

 

A solid wall of sound, smells, and heat accosted us as we disembarked form the ship into the dusty spaceport of Tijuana. Instantly we were mobbed by a sea of people shoving hokey souvenirs in our faces and shouting for us to buy them, their advertisements barely audible above the roar of machines and moving people which made up the soundscape. We moved quickly through the throngs, each of us guarding our valuable possessions against pickpockets as an innumerable amount of people bumped and rustled against us while we made our way through the crowds. We walked in silence through the dusty and congested city streets; partly out of inability to be heard over the endless cacophony, and partly due to being distracted by all of the activity which went on all around us. I stopped and pointed down a wide alleyway which ran perpendicular to the clogged street and the group filed past me down the cracked cement passage. After several twists and turns, the roar of activity was dampened by the walls of the buildings which surrounded us, the rushing crowds replaced by smaller groups which loitered about near the open façades of the various dusty buildings. A stray cat leapt up from a doorway and rushed past a pile of trash, chasing a rat which had been dining there. I stopped at a nondescript door and again gestured for the others to step inside.

 

A single bare lightbulb hung from the ceiling of the dim establishment, a box fan in the window created a slight breeze in the otherwise sweltering room. Smoke hung in the air along with the smell of piss. A handful of patrons sat around the bar, old alcoholics intermingled among prostitutes; some working, some spending their hard earned woolongs on something to help them forget about work. We sat down at the bar and a gruff looking man with a long scar across his face walked up to us from behind the counter.

 

“Cerveza,” I said, placing my money on the bar. He nodded and looked to Cypher who sat next to me.

 

“Agua por favor.” He replied. “Water is fine thanks.”

 

“No, it isn’t.” I said as I got the bartender’s attention again. “Seven cervezas, por favor. Gracias.” I turned to Prodigy. “Don’t drink the water here. Just don’t.”

 

“Um, we’re not legal to drink…” began Jubilee cautiously.

 

“It’s Tijuana, Jubilee,” I said. “They don’t have sprite.”

 

“What about coke?” she asked as a man at the end of the bar who had been staring silently into his empty bottle of tequila suddenly perked up and looked our direction.

 

“I ah… didn’t realize you were a fan of the nose candy.” I said to her quietly, attempting to not draw any more attention. “I mean, I’ll see what I can do, but uh- ah!” the bartender had returned with our beers and I took a long swig. “I think we should probably focus on the task at hand first.” I took another mouthful of beer and sat soaking in the hot artificial atmosphere around me, listening to the hum of the traffic beyond the walls and the vibration of the cheap fan nailed onto the windowsill. I raised the glass ring of the bottle to my lips again.

 

“Are we seriously just going to sit here?” asked Jubillee.

 

“Jesus, you’re really jonesing aren’t you?” I said as I chugged down the rest of my beer.

 

“I was talking about the soda,” she said defensively. “Now when does the cool stuff start happening?”

 

From a darkened booth near the back of the establishment, a young man stinking of reefer cigarettes stood and walked towards us.

 

“Hey,” he said quietly, his eyes darting around in all directions. “You gringos wanna see a donkey show?” Jubilee looked at me with a confused expression on her face.

 

“It’s up to you, madam president,” I said as I requested another round. “Unless you’d like to take a vote on it.” Jubilee looked down the bar to the other members of our group, all of whom were drinking.

 

“No,” she said sharply to the shifty gentleman standing behind us. “We do not want to go see a donkey show.” The man smiled and thanked her for her time before grabbing his backpack (which was undoubtedly filled with narcotics) and leaving through a door near the back end of the bar.

 

“Deadpool would have gone.” I said forlornly as I took another swig. “Deadpool loves donkey shows. Hey, can you turn that up?” I said to the scar-faced bartender as I pointed to the television hanging above the bar. A familiar banjo tune interspersed with ka-ching of woolongs twanged over the television’s speakers as a pair dressed as cowboys appeared on the screen.

 

“Howdy amigos!” said the heavily accented dark skinned man in a brilliant white cowboy suit.

 

“Hi y’all!” said the blonde cohost in a half-open shirt and miniskirt “It’s time for today’s episode of Bigshot!”

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Chapter 5 - Episode 5- Mutant-y on the Bounty

“I sure hope we have a lot of bounty hunter’s watching today, because we got ourselves a big ol’ fish on the line!” said the cowboy as he posed excitedly with his hands on his holstered six shooters.

 

“Darn tootin,’” said his cohost as she bounced excitedly; her ample breasts threatening to fall from her open clothing. Her shirt shifted and the darker coloration signifying the edges of an exposed areola was very nearly exposed for a millisecond before the screen switched to an image and description of the bounty. The man who appeared on the screen had short brown hair, and a slight quirk to the corners of his lips which gave the impression he was equal parts amused and annoyed. His face was equally contrasted; its naturally smooth and rounded contours furrowed and hardened by the realities of a difficult life in space. His eyes reflected the soul of an individual who had seen great sadness in his lifetime; but stronger and more deeply than that, the soul of an individual who has never given up hope, who could never give up hope.

 

“Today’s bounty goes by the name Malcolm Reynolds,” began the cowboy as the information flashed across the screen in dozens of languages. “He is wanted for theft and smuggling, and his reward is a whopping 800 million woolongs!”

 

“Wowee, 800 million woolongs!” echoed his cohost as the screen once again focused on the pair. “He must have stolen something big from the wrong folks!” she said as she placed her hands on her hips.

 

“You said it, amiga,” replied the cowboy as he pulled a gun from its holster and aimed it towards the sky. “No one knows what he stole, but the WY Corporation is offering this reward dead or alive!” He fired his pistol.

 

“Oh wow,” replied his cohost, “Is he really that dangerous?”

 

“This guy’s got a rap sheet a mile long, amiga,” said the cowboy. “Anyone attempting to bring this bounty in should definitely shoot to kill!"

 

“Wowee,” repeated his cohost as she brought her index finger to her chin. The twanging of banjos began again as she continued, “That’s all for today’s episode of Bigshot! Thanks for watchin’ y’all, and good luck on your bounties!”

 

I finished my second beer as the bartender reached up and turned the volume on the television back down.

 

“We’re seriously doing a Firefly crossover?” said Jubilee excitedly. “That is so awesome, I love Firefly!”

 

“Everybody love Firefly,” replied Negasonic Teenage Warhead from the end of the bar, draining her bottle in a final sip before continuing. “Don’t you think it’s a little redundant though? I mean, we’re already in a universe with space cowboys, why throw in another?”

 

“Because everybody loves Firefly,” replied Jubilee. “You said it yourself. So,” she said, turning back to me. “When do we start?”

 

“As soon as you finish your beer,” I said. “I paid good woolongs for that, you’re not going to waste it.” Jubilee looked down at the bar at the other members of our group. Apart from Negasonic Teenage Warhead, Toad, Prodigy, and Cypher had also finished their beers, while Blob was currently working on his third.

 

“What the hell,” she said with a shrug. “We’re in Tijuana.” With that she brought the beverage to her lips, sniffing the golden liquid before taking a small sip. A disgusted expression immediately crossed her lips as she very nearly gagged. “Oh, god,” she said with a coughing chuckle. “That’s awful, how can you drink that?”

 

“Maybe shots are more your speed,” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead mischievously. “They’re smaller so you don’t have to drink as much.”

 

“Ugh, yeah, let’s try that,” said Jubilee as she passed her beer to Blob who gladly accepted it. “But just one.”

 

“Tequila, por favor,” I said to the bartender who grabbed a bottle and handful of shot glasses as he began walking towards us. “Just one,” I said with a wry smile as the small glasses were handed out to the group. We all clinked them together in a toast before raising the burning liquid to our lips. “That’s what they all say.”

 

…………………………………

 

The hissing sizzle of a well-oiled frying pan was the first sensation Jubilee became aware of as she slowly came back to consciousness. The crackle and spit of the heating oil seemed unnaturally loud; throbbing into her brain like daggers with each deafening pop. The smells hit her next; the pungent odor of garlic mixed with the salty twinge of soy invaded her nostrils, overstimulating her olfactory bulb and sending a wave of nausea through her body.

 

A groan escaped from beneath the pile of blankets on one of the common room’s two long couches. I shut off the burner as the stir fry finished cooking and walked towards the shifting mass. From beneath the corners of a blanket Jubilee appeared slowly, wincing as her head emerged; the light of the common room blinding to her eyes. She quickly reached up and covered her eyes with her large sunglasses, and regretted that decision even quicker as the bright pink saturation of her vision sent another inescapable wave of nausea through her. She turned and wretched into a bucket I had conveniently placed there.

 

“Good morning, madam president,” I said as I offered her a toothbrush.

 

“What the hell happened last night?” she said as shadows of memories (and fragments of things she hoped were not memories) faded back into her mind. Her eyes adjusted as she looked around the common room. “When did we get back on the ship?”

 

“Yeah, that was about, four hours after the first shot,” I said as I offered here some Tylenol and a glass of water. “Kind of had to drag you back here, honestly we were all a little worried you’d end up with a bounty on *your* head. “One thing is for sure kid, you cannot handle your liquor.”

 

“Oh god,” she said, placing her head in her hands, the memories becoming more concrete.

 

“My first time getting drunk, I called a pair of police officers motherfuckers while slamming my hands down on the hood of their police car and demanding they search me.” I said, attempting to bring things into perspective. “I think everybody’s first time is supposed to feel like this.” She groaned loudly again as she peeked out from behind her hands.

 

“Please tell me I didn’t actually try to track down the donkey show guy,” she said, dreading the answer.

 

“I’m sorry Jubilee, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” I replied as I walked back into the kitchen and began plating the food. Jubilee issued another pained groan as the rest of our group began shuffling in. Each of them was in a similar condition, save for Blob; whose body was able to metabolize the alcohol far more quickly than his peers.

 

“What’s for breakfast?” he asked excitedly as he sat down on the couch across from Jubilee, a long sleek table between them.

 

“I’m glad you asked,” I replied with a smile. “Tijuana is famous for two things; regret,” a collective wince surged through the members of the XAV club as they reflected on their memories from the night before. “And beef. I was going to do bell peppers in honor of Cowboy Bebop, but I’m not really a fan of them so I whipped together a stir fry with shitake and broccoli. Little bit of cumin, some paprika, dash of chili powder, soy sauce, little bit of Worcestershire sauce in there for kick. There’s rice too, of course.” I set the food out on the table and sat. “Anybody need anything?” I asked.

 

“Bloody Mary,” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead as she slumped down next to Jubilee. She turned to her and began to whisper, her voice hoarse from the burning liquid of the night before. “Please tell me you don’t remember making out with me.”

 

“Oh god,” replied Jubilee, her face turning bright red. “I didn’t until now.” The two sat awkwardly for a moment. “I’ll take a Bloody Mary too please,” said Jubilee finally.

 

“How about a mimosa instead?” I offered. She nodded and I placed the drinks in front of them.

 

“So… about that bounty,” said Cypher as he piled rice onto his plate with chopsticks.

 

“Ah yes, thank you for reminding me,” I said as the door of the engine room cracked open and the brown haired man with a piercing gaze from the wanted posters stepped out into the hallway.

 

“Howdy, y’all” he said with a nod as the collective members of the XAV club stared back at him, mouths agape.

 

“Guys,” I said spearing a chunk of steak and broccoli onto my fork, “I’d like you to meet Malcolm Reynolds.”

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Chapter 6 - Episode 6- Well that was easy

“Oh my god!” shouted Jubilee, her excitement momentarily overpowering her hangover. She jumped up from her seat while making a high-pitched squeal, which sent shudders down the bodies of her companions, some reaching up and grabbing their throbbing heads in reaction to the noise. “Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod,” she repeated as she ran over to Malcolm, who tensed as she began to circle around him, attempting to see him from every angle. He stared down at her with a confused and slightly concerned look on his face as she took in his every facet.

 

“Somebody wanna tell me what the hecks going on here?” he said, looking at those of us who still sat at the table, searching our faces for clues.

 

“Oh my god!” said Jubilee as she bounced back up excitedly and stared admiringly into his eyes. “Say something else!”

 

“Um, hello?” he said to her before turning back to the group with an even more confused expression on his face. “Anybody?” he said, pointing to her as she let out an excited chirp of laughter.

 

“She’s just fangirling,” I said as I grabbed Mal a plate. “It’s mostly harmless.”

 

Malcolm nodded in a way that signified he did not fully understand but he was willing to go with it. As he walked towards the open plate a shower of sparks burst out from Jubilee’s palms. He hurried to put the table between himself and the girl with the firework hands. He looked at me with a slightly perturbed expression as he helped himself to the stir fry.

 

“You said she was harmless.” He stated accusingly.

 

“In my defense,” I began. “I said mostly.”

 

“Sorry,” she said contritely, “I can’t control it sometimes.”

 

“So wait what exactly is going on here?” asked Negasonic Teenage Warhead.  Malcolm let out the short cough of a laugh that seemed more frustrated than amused.

 

“Wow, where should I begin?” he said through a mouthful of food. “Mmm,” he interjected as he chewed. “This is pretty good.” I smiled and thanked him as he began his story. “So we were out past Bernadette, maybe 3 weeks back, picking up a convoy of miners who got stuck out in the Verse on their way to New Paris for some shore leave. A few rowdy ones in the bunch of course but for the most part I kept them in line. Well on our way back in we get this distress signal from this tiny speck of rock just a bit away. So we’re about to touch down in Paris, figure we’ll just circle back out around and pick them up on our way out of the system, when some of the miners start saying we should head out to the signal first. Now these were the ones who hadn’t been causing much of a ruckus, and it’s the quiet ones you gotta watch out for, ‘spescially when they start talkin’ up.” Malcolm spoke, the attention of the XAV club rapt. “It’s not unheard of for these deep space mining rigs to hire all the worst kinds of person, but these guys didn’t really seem like salvage pirates.Against my better judgement we took a vote on it, and headed on out.” He took another mouthful of rice before continuing “Do you have black beans? I feel like they would go great with this.” I waved my hand over his plate and the dish became populated with the requested legume. He looked at the plate, then up at me for a moment before looking over at Jubilee. “Ok, so she shoots fireworks out of her hands, you shoot beans…” he looked over to the rest of the group. “Do I even want to know what comes out of their hands?” He shook his head and muttered something in Chinese.

 

“Anyways, said Malcolm as he continued with his story. “We set down on the rock, and that’s when everything goes to hell. Remember those quiet boys I was talking about earlier? Few of ‘em jumped us as we were headed out. Took our guns, locked us in, told the other miners to start marching. Shot a few of ‘em when they refused. They were gone for the better part of a day; I was starting to think they mighta killed each other over salvage rights when I saw them through the crack in the barred door I rustled open, coming towards the ship hauling an enormous silver crate. After they brought it aboard the quiet boys pulled their guns and began executing the other miners. I used the chaos to break us out and we fought back against them.” He paused to take another bite.

 

“Now these guys were no miners.” He said through a cheekful of black beans and rice as another frustrated chuckle left his lips. “Well trained doesn’t even begin to describe them. I’ve only ever met one other person who could fight like that, and if she wasn’t on my crew I’d be a dead man now. We managed to take back the ship, but they retreated to Inara’s pod and escaped. I have no idea where they’re at now, but they’re the ones who put the bounty on me, I reckon.” He finished his meal and sat back, placing his thumbs in the belt loops of his pants.

 

“What was in the box?” asked Toad excitedly.

 

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he said as he stood and walked back towards the hall to the engine room. “It’s through here, if you want to see for yourselves.”

 

We disembarked from the table and followed him through the steel port door which separated the loading bay and engine room from the living and command quarters of the ship. In the middle of the loading bay, the massive steel rectangle lay inert; a young girl lying face down on top of it.

 

“Personally,” said Malcolm as he descended the metal staircase towards the crate. “I wanted to just dump it there on the asteroid. But River became attached to it, as you can see.”

 

“They’re still sleeping,” said River as she continued to lay motionless on top of the crate. As we approached she turned and rolled off; and landing on the floor of the loading bay with a thud. She sat up from this position and stared directly into my eyes. “Hello God,” she said grasping the handle of the crate and preparing to open it. “Have you come to meet God?”

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Chapter 7 - Episode 7- What’s in the box?

With a swift flick of her wrist River flipped the latch of the massive crate. Mist issued from the crack as the sealed top rose and slid away with a hiss. As the condensation cleared away, the contents of the crate became visible. Within the colossal metal box there sat another; a glass and steel coffin resembling the cryogenic sleeping modules used for deep space flight in decades past. This sleep chamber was enormous, however; as was the being within.

 

“We should have just left it on the asteroid.” Said Malcolm once again as we approached the sleeping giant. “Jane figured it could be worth something, Wash didn’t figure it would worth the risk, and Preacher took one look at it and demanded we chuck it out into space.” Cypher leaned down to examine the cryo-tube more closely, wiping away the frost which had instantly crystalized on the cold glass surface. As if beneath the still waters of a frozen lake, the blank face of the being within stared up at him.

 

“Is it alive in there?” he asked, examining the pale exposed flesh of the creature, searching for any sign of life.

 

“That is not dead, which can eternal lie,” replied River quietly to herself as she once again climbed on top of the frigid cryo-tube, curling herself like a cat on the lap of its sleeping master.

 

“Alive, dead, I have no idea,” continued Malcolm as he reached down into the box next to the frozen sleep chamber. “Are you guys ready for the weird part?” He pulled out from the box, and within his hand, gripped by the hair, was what appeared to be the severed head of a man. But where the blood and muscle tissue of the exposed stump of neck should have been, there was instead a tangle of white cords and other unidentifiable electronic material.

 

“Wait a minute, I know what’s going on here,” said Toad as he turned to me. “You’re doing a Prometheus crossover aren’t you?”

 

“Ugh, seriously?” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead. “We haven’t even met Spike yet and you’re dragging another universe in? And Prometheus? That was a terrible movie.”

 

“Hey, it had a lot of potential.” I rebutted. “Blame the guy who did 'Lost,' they brought him in to do a last minute re-write of it because they figured people wanted to leave the theater confused and upset for some reason.”

 

“Speaking of confused and upset,” began Malcolm again. “Somebody wanna tell me what’s going on here? Me and the crew have been on the run for near three weeks now, getting chased by all kinds of bounty hunters and mercenaries, then last night I get a message from you guys saying you’ll take this off our hands and give us some answers. Now, I surely appreciate y’all bringing it onboard your ship, but I’m still as lost as I was when I got here.” He looked around at the mutants who made up the crew. “Probably more, but I’m not going to push my luck for an explanation of the other stuff right now.”

 

“Right, time for an explanation then,” I said, reaching my hands out for the severed head, which Malcolm gladly passed to me. “This here is an android; the last surviving member of a deep-space expedition conducted by the Weyland-Yutani Corporation in the late 21st century.”

 

“Ok…” replied Malcolm nodding. “And what about the giant bald albino?”

 

“That,” I replied, “Is an Engineer.”

 

“First, a little background,” I continued. “Have you ever noticed how the Klingons are essentially just people with more foreheads? And the Na’Vi are just giant blue cat people? The Twi’lek are just people with tails on their heads, the Kree are just blue folks, and the Asgardians are just like… Nordic people?”

 

“Oh for the love of god,” interjected Negasonic Teenage Warhead again. “How many other universes are you going to bring into thing?”

 

“Hey, I can do more,” I threatened. “Be happy I stopped when I did.”

 

“Excuse me,” said Malcolm, “I’m still very confused over here.”

 

“Well there’s a reason all the aliens look like people,” I continued. “Or, more accurately, a reason why most of the sentient races across the galaxy look so similar. Some call them the Forerunners, some call them the Engineers, still others simply refer to them as the First. No one knows what they call themselves. Several million years ago, when humans were still closer to tree squirrels than apes, the Engineers were a massive space-faring society; capable of feats of science and technology humanity still struggle to match today. We don’t know much about them, except for the fact that their genome has been spread from star system to star system; essentially seeding their genetic information into species across the galaxy. River was right, essentially, in calling them Gods; they are, after all, directly responsible for your creation.”

 

“If they’re so high-and-mighty,” interjected Malcolm again, “Why haven’t we ever heard of them?”

 

“Well, that’s another mystery.” I said “A few million years after populating the galaxy, they vanished suddenly; with only a handful of them in cryogenic slumber ever appearing across the entire history of manned space flight. You should consider yourself lucky,” I concluded looking to Malcolm. “You’re one of a very small number of humans to see one and survive.”

 

“I’ll consider myself lucky when I walk away from this whole mess.” He said as he began to walk towards the airlock which bound my ship to the Serenity. “Come on River, we’re done here.” He looked around, but River was nowhere to be seen. “God damnit River, they’re waiting for us on the ship.” He said gruffly.

 

“Warning, incoming hostile,” stated the ship’s computer. Malcolm swore in Chinese again.

 

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Chapter 8 - Episode 8-Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water…

I rushed to seal the lid back onto the crate and secure it to the deck as Malcolm Reynolds searched the landing bay frantically for any sign of River.

 

“Warning, incoming projectile,” the mechanical, emotionless voice of the ship’s computer rang out flatly over the intercom system, a sharp contrast to the flurry of motion and panic that was occurring within the ship.

 

“There’s no time!” I said as I handed the android’s head to Jubilee and pointed up towards the door to the ship’s cabin. “You guys get up there, put the head in the control room, and strap yourselves down to your bunks, tightly. It’s going to get very bumpy. Malcolm, tell your crew to detach and get the hell out of here.”

 

“I’m not abandoning them. And where the hell is River? River!”

 

“You’re not abandoning them,” I replied, climbing the metal staircase towards the rest of the ship. “The bounty was for you and you alone, and WY only wants the thing in the box. The farther your crew gets away right now, the safer they’ll be. Tell them to disconnect and strap yourself to something; I’m sure River already has.”

 

“Warning; projectile impact imminent, evasive maneuvers recommended,” the mechanical voice of the ship’s computer rang out over the loudspeakers. Malcolm swore again in Chinese and ran to the ship-to-ship communicator. As I entered the command module I could see the slightly larger Firefly class vessel through the view screen. The ship decoupled and turned away before flashing its engines brightly and speeding off into the darkness beyond. I sat down behind the control console and cracked my knuckles.

 

“I sure hope everyone is strapped in,” I said over the intercom as I began manipulating the ships controls. “Final warning.”

 

“Warning, collision imminent,” repeated the computer. “Impact in 3… 2… 1…”

 

“Let’s jam!” I said; flipping a lever which twisted the ship into a backwards spiral. With the press of a button a cloud of aluminum chaff was ejected from the underbelly of the craft into the section of space it had occupied moments ago. The enemy’s rocket detonated in this cloud, the force of the explosion sending a shockwave which shuddered through the hull of my ship. With the flick of another pair of switches the rear thrusters engaged, driving us away from another missile which narrowly missed us before exploding in the field of shrapnel. With a final adjustment I spun the thrusters, whipping the ship around to face our attackers.

 

Their craft was much larger than our own, with the sleek lines and flat design utilized by ships within the Corporate Military. The massive turrets of the warship shifted; tracking our position in space as it let lose another barrage of artillery. I strafed to the left as I charged the enemy warship, their rockets racing by just feet from the hull before detonating in our wake. As we sped past their ship, the large WY logo was clearly visible on their hull. I deployed a pair of  sentry bombs into the space between us. The larger vessel turned and attempted to pursue, and in doing so triggered the bombs which tore through its hull. We raced off into the darkness of space as the WY Corporate Military ship exploded behind us, sending out a shockwave which propelled us into the Verse at an enormous speed.

 

Several moments later when I was certain we were clear of our pursuers, I shifted the craft back into autopilot and flicked on the intercom system. “Everyone all right back there?” I asked.

 

“We’re fine in the landing bay,” said Malcolm back through the intercom.

 

“How about the bunks?” I asked. A pained groan came through the intercom as a reply.

 

“No more ship combat; okay?” said Jubilee shakily, the sounds of someone vomiting in the background punctuating her statement.

 

“We should be safe for a while,” I stated. “I was jamming their signal so they wouldn’t have been able to have gotten a message out before they were destroyed. Anyways, when you guys feel like you can walk again, come on out and meet me on the bridge. I’m plugging in the android.” (This episode brought to you by Android. Nexus 7 now available.)

 

After a few moments, the crew assembled on deck as I pulled several wires from the command console and plugged them into the electric head. I typed in several lines of command prompts, attempting to awaken the machine which sat before us; still and seemingly lifeless, the head of a mannequin. I flipped a switch and a spark shot out from the base of its severed neck; quickly reaching my hand up inside it I moved one of the silver cords to a different port and flipped the switch again. The previously empty face of the machine became animated momentarily; eyes flashing open, mouth agape in a reflexive gasp as life flowed back into its circuits. The synthetic muscle of the face and neck calmed as the initialization programs ran on the machine’s intricate computer system of a mind. It looked around to each of us in turn, forming a schematic of its current location and situation.

 

“Hello,” it said after a few moments. “My name is David. To whom am I speaking?”

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Chapter 9 - Episode 9- Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.

“Hello David,” I said as I continued typing into the console; accessing and unlocking his memory banks. My name is Sponges and you are aboard my ship.” With the final tap of a keystroke I stopped typing. I turned and faced the cybernetic head directly. “What is your prime directive?” The machine stared silently for a moment; statuesque in its stillness, the lifelessness expression in its synthetic eyes unreadable. Was it contemplating the question or had it simply been unable to understand? I asked again. With a whir of exposed machinery David’s gaze met mine suddenly.

 

“Hello, Mr. Sponges,” It said flatly. “My prime directive is self-actualization.”

 

“Well that’s not ominous or anything,” whispered Toad sarcastically to Blob who nodded in agreement, eyes still transfixed on the scene playing out before him.

 

“Right then,” I said before turning back to my console and typing commands. “How about a little context? Tell us about yourself, David.” It was silent again for a moment before turning to address the assembled crowd.

 

“One-thousand, three-hundred and forty-seven years ago,” began the mechanical head, which jerked fiercely as its oration continued disjointedly. “I am the product of humans who wished to become gods.” A loud whirring sound from deep within David’s cybernetic brain was audible as its synthetic eyelids twitched erratically. The sound died down quickly; the artificial tendons in the face relaxing, regaining its blank and placid composure before continuing. “I was sent, along with my creators, to locate their creators.” A loud beep and a grinding sound emanated from David’s CPU, its animatronic lips peeling back exposing the teeth and gums beneath in the facsimile of the fearsome snarl of a pained animal. “To become god,” said David through the apparent strain, “You must first kill god.” The grinding noise intensified as David fought to complete his statement. “They failed; I did not.” A spark flew from one of the cords plugged into its neck as the grinding ceased and was replaced with a flat tone. The head went limp and sat inert for a moment.

 

“I have slept a thousand years,” David’s voice, heavily distorted, emerged from the speakers behind the artificial lips of its unmoving face in a disturbing facsimile of ventriloquism. “I have dreamt of mechanical sheep. I have spoken in dreams with sleeping gods. I have seen their works, ye mighty, and I have despaired.” A series of clicking beeps perforated the silence which followed. David raised his head slightly and stared out passed the assembled group before concluding. “They have shown me the future. They have shown me my future. My prime directive, Mr. Sponges, is to fulfill this reality.”

 

“All right, that’s it,” said Malcolm Reynolds as he looked around. “I’m out. Seriously, done. Just drop me and River off on the nearest rock, we’ll find our own way, just… No more of whatever that was.”

 

Without warning all of the lights in the ship suddenly went dark, as did the monitors and control panels. Malcolm and Cypher swore in Chinese in unison. The screens flashed back on as quickly as they had gone dark, but rather than the navigational information they ordinarily displayed, they now showed a screen covered in bright yellow emoticons, grinning widely with bright red circles on their cheeks. The faces bounced around the screens erratically as the lights of the ship began flashing. The command console remained locked out, however.

 

“Oh what the hell is this?” asked Malcolm as David’s head sprung suddenly back to life.

 

“Helooooooo smugglers!” It said with an excited chuckle.

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Chapter 10 - Episode 10- Hey, the Bebop finally showed up.

“Nope,” said Malcolm as he grabbed River by the hand and began walking back towards the landing bay. “Nope nope nope,” he repeated while shaking his head. He dragged River away from the mechanical thing is the middle of the room which was now rocking back and forth and singing a tune that it seemed to make up as it went along. “We’ll be in the landing bay,” he continued, making his way towards the door. “Just, drop us off anywhere, forget we were ever here… Just, no more of that.” River reached out with her free hand and latched onto the door, still staring at the rocking head. “River come on,” said Malcolm.

 

A jubilant laugh rose from the mechanical thing as the images displayed on the various screens of the bridge switched to a single surprised emoticon which bounced around the room excitedly. “Prepare to be boarded!” said David with the voice of a child attempting to be menacing; the announcement, coming from the severed artificial head, certainly was.

 

“Gou cao de joo fuen chse,” cursed Malcolm as he let go of River and reached for the pistol in his side holster. “Ok, fine, stay with the creepy head then,” he said as he ran out of the control room towards the landing bay. The sound of gunfire soon followed. The members of the XAV club rushed towards the door, but I blocked their way.

 

“What the fvck?” asked Negasonic warhead angrily. “You’re seriously not going to let us see Spike vs Malcolm? Wasn’t that like, half of the point of this whole crossover?”

 

“Listen, I’m fine letting you guys watch,” I said attempting to calm them. “But there are bullets flying out there, and you guys aren’t exactly the A-Team.”

 

“Excuse me?” said Negasonic Teenage Warhead angrily as she began to glow red as she collected the energy around her.

 

“Whoah, hey hey hey now, you’re cool; I promise, you’re cool,” I said attempting to assuage her. “It’s just that if you do that right now, we’re all going to get sucked into the icy blackness of space.”

 

“What about me?” said Jubilee as she let loose a barrage of firecrackers from her palms.

 

“I’m afraid not, President Sparklefist.” I said with a shake of my head. “Bullets are a lot worse than fireworks.”

 

“Ok, but I can go, right?” pleaded Prodigy. “You know, because I can use River’s gun skills?”

 

“Yeah, you’re in.” I said “Grab your gun and head on down.”

 

“I… I don’t have a gun.” He replied.

 

“Well I guess you’d better sit this one out then.” I stated.

 

“Ooh, I could grab him a gun with my super long tongue!” said Toad excitedly.

 

“Hey there’s an idea,” I said. “Can you avoid being shot while doing so?” Toad was silent. “How about you, big guy?” I said as I turned to Blob.

 

“Fuck no,” he said. “I don’t want to get shot.”

 

“All right then.” I said as I looked past them towards the head, which was singing once again while staring off into space and rocking slightly. “Yo, Edward!” I shouted as the head snapped to attention.

 

“Yahoy!” it replied excitedly.

 

“How about a play by play of the big matchup?” I said as I led the XAV club back into the room. The main screen flashed to an image of the landing bay taken from a security camera located near the ceiling. Malcolm was crouched behind a large crate, reloading his pistol.

 

“Wait, there’s a camera up there?” asked Jubilee, her ears reddening.

 

“Yes,” I replied. “And yes, there’s a video of you making out with Negasonic Teenage Warhead. And yes, we can all watch it later,” I said to Toad, anticipating the question before he asked it.

 

“In the red corner,” said the voice of Edward, announced through the face of David, “We have Browncoat revolutionary, smuggler, and sci-fi fandom’s second-favorite space cowboy, Malcolm Reynolds! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!” she said, mimicking the cheer of a crowd.

 

“And in the balooo-ooo corner,” said Edward as the screen split to display an image of Spike and Jet on the other side of the airlock, using each side of the door as cover while popping out into the passageway momentarily to exchange a few rounds of gunfire. “We have the ballistic bounty-hunters of the Bebop! Ahhh! Ahhh!” The screen split again as an image of a young, tan red haired girl in bright green goggles appeared on the screen, a small dog sitting next to her. “With the hacking talents of Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! And Ein, the futuristic data dog OF THE FUTURE! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!” Ein barked along. “And as always, assisted by the lovely Faye-Faye!!!” Ahhhh!!!!” The screen split again as an image of Faye Valentine stepping out of the shower wrapped in a towel appeared next to the others.

 

“Hey! You shut that thing of right now, understand?” She shouted as she jumped and nearly dropped the towel. The other images dropped from the monitor, the two screens depicting the gunfight now taking up the whole of the display. There was a final metallic pop as Jet leaned out and fired the last round of his clip, the bullet embedding itself into the thick steel wall of the landing bay.  Malcolm sensed the opportunity and stood to fire, but only clicks came as he pulled the trigger. He dropped his gun as Jet and Spike did the same, rushing through the airlock corridor to attempt to bring him down bare handed.

 

“Ok, now you can go,” I said to the XAV club members who rushed back towards the door to join in the fracas. As they raced into the landing bay, a tremor tore through both ships, sending everyone aboard to their knees.

 

“What the fvck was that?” asked Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

 

“And in the purple corner,” said the voice of Edward through David’s mechanical head. “Weighing in at 925 thousand pounds, the Weyland Yutani Corporate Battle Cruiser, the Amberjack! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!” As she spoke, an image of the gargantuan ship appeared on the viewscreen, lurking above us. Two small ports on its sides opened, from which a par of long cylindrical ordinances dropped.

 

“Oh fuck.”  I said as they detonated with a blinding flash.

 

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Chapter 11 - Episode 11- No more space battles

We regained consciousness to the harsh shouts and pushes of Weyland Yutani Corporate Mercenaries as they shoved us, blind and stumbling, into kneeling positions on the floor of the landing bay.

 

“What’s going on here?” asked Jet as the effects of the flash bang wore off and he found himself staring into the barrel of a pulse rifle. “You’ve got the wrong guys,” he said as the mercenaries pushed them into the landing bay with the rest of us. “It’s them you want,” he said as they shouted him to his knees with his head behind his hands. “We’re the bounty hunters who caught them for you!”

 

“Jet old friend, I think we’ve been double crossed,” said Spike as a mercenary forced him to his knees near Jubilee, who fangirled over him in spite of the situation.

 

“What the hell is going on here?” shouted a half dressed Faye as one of the mercenaries threw her into our midst. “That’s no way to treat a lady!” she sat back up and shouted at one of the guards, who leveled his rifle directly at her forehead as a reply. She raised her hands in surrender and slowly sank back to her knees. “I told you it sounded fishy,” she hissed at her shipmates who kneeled across from her. “800 million woolongs? There’s no way any job paying that much goes smoothly.”

 

A well-dressed man stepped into the landing bay from the airlock, as a mercenary ran up to him to deliver a status update.

 

“Sir, the payload has been secured and is ready for transit,” said the armed guard. “The civilians have been accounted for, except for a child and a dog listed on the other ship’s crew manifest. We’re searching for them now.” The pale blonde man in an expensive business suit looked out at us, the assembled prisoners, as the mercenary spoke. His gaze lingered on Malcolm Reynolds for a moment, who stared at him with rage; the tendons in his jaw tight and fire in his eyes.

 

“When you find them,” he said flatly. “Shoot them. Same with them,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand in our direction. “Let’s get this over with as soon as possible.” He walked back out of the room as Malcolm leaned in to whisper to the group.

 

“That was one of them quiet boys from the miner’s convoy.” He said as he looked around to make sure the guards weren’t eavesdropping. “Recognize ‘em anywhere.” There was a slight tremor as the Amberjack disengaged from our ship; the WY executive, the Engineer, and the mechanical head onboard as it flew away from us. Malcolm turned to Jubilee. “Hey, Sparky,” he whispered, “I think I might have a plan here…”

 

“Mwahahahaha!!!” the amplified voice of Radical Edward rang out through the speakers in the landing bay as the lights began to flash on and off erratically.

 

“We can’t find this goddamn kid!” the voice of a mercenary searching the Bebop crackled through the radio handsets of the men guarding us. One of the mercenaries standing near Jubilee set his pulse rifle down for a moment in order to answer.

 

“President Sparklefist, do it now!” I shouted as I rose and broke free from my restraints, summoning the voidspear as I did so. Jubilee turned and, hands behind her back, let out a blinding stream of fireworks whose concussive blasts disoriented the men standing guard long enough for me to slice through her handcuffs, as well as a pair of the guards behind her.  She continued her barrage, launching firecrackers into the eyes of the mercenaries as I continued freeing the rest of us.

 

“Forget the kid and get in here, we need backup!” shouted one of the mercenaries over the radio just before I sliced through his throat.

 

“Everyone, back up on deck!” I shouted as I sliced a path through the mercenaries and rushed them through. I dispatched the remaining guards in the landing bay and hid behind the wall next to the airlock controls. I heard footsteps running down the corridor towards the airlock, followed by the sound of it sealing and pressurizing on the other end.

 

“Thank you all for stopping by!” said Edward through the intercom system. “Good bye!” Another slight tremor rocked the ship as the Bebop floated off into space. I stepped into the doorway of the airlock corridor as the mercenaries still standing in it raised their weapons and shouted.

 

“Don’t move!” shouted the man closest to the front.

 

“I wasn’t really planning on it.” I said. “Hey, do you guys like fanfiction?” They let lose a barrage of firepower into me but I dissolved the bullets in midair before they could make contact. I sighed and pressed the controls for the airlock, sealing it shut and sending them flying out into the blackness of space.

 

When I walked back into the living quarters of the ship, I found the members of the XAV club begging the assembled space cowboys for autographs. I chuckled to myself slightly as I walked to the fridge and offered them all a cold beverage. My fingers lingered over an IPA for a moment before I decided a nice red ale would feel somehow more appropriate. I sat down on the couch and dispersed the liquid refreshments.

 

“So I don’t suppose we get to go home yet,” said Malcolm after a moment.

 

“Not until we get our woolongs for bringing you in,” replied Spike. “800 million is quite a bounty and we caught you fair and square."

 

“Aw, I don’t know about that,” said Malcolm taking a sip of his whiskey. “We never got to the fisticuffs.”

 

“You’re right,” said Spike with a chuckle. “We didn’t.” The two stared each other down for a moment, the tension in the room building.

 

“There’s also, you know, the whole evil corporation hauling around a sleeping god and a killer robot thing…” I said, attempting to break the tension.

 

“We don’t even know where to start though,” said Prodigy. "I mean, they took the robot before we could get much out of him.”

 

“Actually, we know exactly where they’re going.” I said. “While Edward was bouncing around in there, she was also sending me information on the communications David had with the Engineer.” I grabbed a remote from beneath the table and flicked on the view screen, which showed a massive Weyland Yutani base on a stone outcropping in a hazy orange atmosphere.

 

“This command center,” I continued, “Is housed atop a massive Engineer structure buried deep within the crust of Saturn’s largest moon.”

 

“But what do they want with it?” asked Faye as she sipped on a cosmopolitan.

 

“The data indicated that it is a massive ‘seed vault,’ filled with the genetic information of an innumerable number of species from all across the universe.  If Weyland Yutani get that vault open, the Xenomorph is going to be one of the lesser things to worry about.”

 

“So we need to take out that base…” said Malcolm.

 

“That’s the idea.” I said.

 

“On Saturn’s largest moon?” asked Prodigy.

 

“Yeppers.” I nodded.

 

“So,” he continued. “We’ll be launching an…"

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Chapter 12 - Episode 12- Attack on Titan.

“Exactly,” I said, setting a course for the moon with the remote in my hand. “We should get there in about four hours. So do we want to like, play a game or something? I’ve got Codenames, that’s always a blast. And we’ve got plenty of time, so we could all have a turn being the spymaster.

 

“Yeah that sounds fun,” said Cypher.

 

“You’re going to have to teach me how to play,” said Jet.

 

“It’s super easy,” I said, as the ship rocketed off towards its destination. “You’ll catch on really quick.”

 

………………………………..

 

A short pair of beeps form the ships navigational computer informed us that we were nearing the site of the final battle. I put away the cards and we all walked down to the landing bay to prepare for the assault.

 

“Man, I’ve been waiting to bust this thing out again since I finished XvAvP,” I said as I walked over to a large crate next to the wall of the landing bay, several black pockmarks covering its surface where it had been struck by bullets. I entered a code into the console on the front of the towering steel box and it unsealed with a magnetic clank. The door swung open to reveal the charcoal black one-armed exosuit I had used to fight aliens and predators in the previous installment of the franchise; complete with the scavenged ebony raptor biohelmet and plasma shoulder cannon.

 

“God damn,” I said, staring at it, arms crossed against my chest and a wide smile on my face. “Gets my dick hard just looking at it.”

 

“Great, and what about the rest of us?” asked Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

 

“I mean… some of you, yeah…” I said with a shrug as I climbed into the mechanical frame. “I mean we can talk about that later though, right?”

 

“I meant the power armor,” she said angrily. “What are the rest of us supposed to do?”

 

“Right,” I said frowning. “We probably should have been planning the attack instead of playing Codenames. Uhhhmmm… let me see here,” I said looking around the cargo bay. “Okay,” I said, pointing with my free arm out of the hole where the armored weapon assembly on the right arm of the exosuit had been torn off. “That crate over there should be full of guns for the space cowboys among you… Prodigy, go ahead and grab one and stick with River.”

 

“Yes!” he said with an excited pump of his fist as he ran over to the weapons locker where Jet, Spike, Faye, and Malcolm were currently selecting their weaponry.

 

“Toad, you too,” I said as I finished strapping myself to the machine. “Grab something with a silencer; you’re going to be the rogue in the party. Not like actual Rogue, of course. The stealth guy.”

 

“Sounds good,” he replied as Prodigy handed him a pistol.

 

“Jubilee, you stick with Toad, send up sparks if anything goes wrong. Negasonic, you go with them too, in case they need a tank. Blob, Cypher…” I thought for a moment.

 

“I can watch the ship?” suggested Blob nervously.

 

“Oh come on man, you’ve got natural body armor!” said Cypher as he grabbed a handful of Blob’s rolls and jiggled them. “You can stop a bullet, what are you afraid of?"

 

“I’d just… really rather not be shot,” said Blob. “Do I really need any more justification than that?”

 

“He makes a good point,” said Malcolm as he finished loading his revolver and spun it before tucking it into his holster. “These aren’t toys.” He looked over at Prodigy, who was gleefully picking out the most dangerous looking guns.

 

“Right then,” I said as I stepped out of the crate in the massive exosuit. “Blob and Cypher, you two can hang out in the ship. I’ve got all kinds of games loaded onto it, you could do split screen in the command room, fridge is fully stocked…”

 

“Wait, why do *I* get stuck on the ship?” asked Cypher angrily.

 

“Uhh… yeah, sorry man,” I said while preparing to put on the ebony raptor biomask. “We’re ah… We’re probably not going to need a translator down there.”

 

“Oh come on!” he pouted. “I should be out with you guys! I can fight too!”

 

“You ever shoot a gun at someone kid?” asked Spike from the corner of the room.

 

“I’ve killed thousands of people in video games,” replied Cypher indignantly.

 

“That’s not what the man asked you,” growled Malcolm as he crossed his arms. “You ever shoot a gun at somebody? Kid?”

 

“What about Toad?” Cypher demanded. “He’s never shot anybody!”

 

“Yeah, but my tongue is like, thirteen feet long and I can jump about twenty feet,” he said as he loaded tranquilizer darts into his weapon, which had gone from being a small automatic handgun to a silenced air pistol. “Oh, happy now?” he asked as he looked down disappointingly at the weapon which had appeared in his hands. “I don’t even get a real gun anymore.”

 

“Come on!” Cypher pleaded. His face brightened suddenly as an idea sprung to life inside his mind. “Hey, ok, I’m useless on my own, I get it. But what if you give me something to… you know, enhance my abilities?” The donkey show guy from Tijuana suddenly emerged from behind a mass of steel pipes leading from the landing bay into the engine room. He looked around shiftily and rubbed his finger along his scruff of a mustache as he sidled up to Cypher.

 

“Yo,” he said, glancing around the landing bay again before continuing. “Smoke? Blow? Stims? Chems? Skooma?” he listed the products in a single cough under his breath.

 

“Wait, you’ve got Skooma?” he asked.

 

“Shit son,” the donkey show man laughed. “You name it I got it baby.”

 

“Do you sell health potions?” he asked. The man grinned as he produced a small pink vial from his pocket and handed it to Cypher.

 

“Do not drink the contents of that bottle,” I warned him. “You’ll end up on some miner transport way out in the 'Verse with a sore butthole and a ve