"ImmortaliTEA: A Tale Steeped in Darkness" by Me pls give constructive feedback.

[schmahxgn]

Chapter I:

Sadgasms

 

Cadence Murphy had just gotten home from testifying in court against the person who ended the life of her husband and soulmate, Theodore Murphy as well as there unborn child they spent months trying to conceive; as a result of driving while intoxicated. To make matters worse, Cadence lost her left leg in the grizzly accident, and she was far from used to her prosthesis.

The perpetrator, Leon Foster, was an overnight billionaire due to his involvement in the design and manufacture of ‘luxury’ fidget spinners; ergo he bought the best attorneys in the state, as well as the judge, jurors, the state prosecutor, and as a result; all the prosecution’s witnesses. He was without a doubt guilty of driving drunk and vehicular manslaughter, but the whole of the court, save for Cadence, was on his side.

“Since you seem like an empathetic man, who feels great remorse for his actions,” the judge began, “I will give you a reduced sentence. One month in a twelve step program and court-ordered therapy. Case dismissed!”

With the bang of the gavel, Cadence’s psyche was shattered. She remained composed as she left the courtroom, and kept it together on the drive home, but when she walked into her apartment and closed the door, she broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

“I just wanted justice!” She shrieked, “Damn it all! Damn everything to Hell! Shit!”

She took off her prosthetic leg and threw it with full force, accidentally knocking down and breaking a framed photo of her and the late Theodore Murphy, instantly transitioning her rage into sorrow.

“Teddy,” she whispered, “I’m sorry, but I am going to come to see you earlier than anticipated.”

***

Over the week following that incident, Cadence sold as many items of value that she could. Her iPhone, iPad, laptop, TV, Lexus, any jewelry that didn’t have sentimental value, her Lexus. She took an Über ride to the restaurant where her and Theodore celebrated their last wedding anniversary, and ate six courses of posh gourmet cuisine accompanied with the finest 2002 dry pinot noir rosé money could buy. At the end of her meal, she paid her over three hundred dollar tab, and tipped one thousand five hundred dollars; nearly five hundred percent.

After dinner, she went back home for one last cup of tea. Her late husband loved tea immensely and collected so many rare and esoteric teas that he had to buy a massive trunk measuring five feet by three feet by two feet to store it all. Cadence opened the trunk and rifled through all the valuable teas her beloved coveted.

She found a 1972 vintage disk of Pu’erh, several chai from SriLanka and India, Alraune Black Tea, Amaranth blooming tea, Da Hong Pao; an extremely rare and pricey luxury tea from China that is typically only given to diplomats who visit there, but one item caught Cadence’s eye. A tiny black cylindrical canister only slightly larger than a thimble. Written on the lid in small, barely visible crimson letters was “Crowley & Deville’s Scarlet China Keemun”

She took the lid off the tiny canister and say tiny, bright red leaves. She moved in closer to take in the aroma. She took a whiff, and her pupils dilated. It was the scent of unadulterated Eros run amok. Like one’s first intimate sexual encounter with one’s soul mate. Cadence was overwhelmed by feelings of longing and carnal desire. Heart and moisture were building from within her. She began fondling her left breast with her right hand and massaging  her vulva through her black satin panties with her left, and quickly stood up and completely undressed, got in the shower to utilize the shower massage, and thanks to her heightened erogenous sensitivity, reach full climax eight minutes later, when it usually took twenty-seven.

“I need to brew that tea!” she exclaimed after getting out of the shower and towel drying herself, “Send me off with a smile...”

She put on her best black dress, put the kettle on, put the scarlet Keemun leaves in the teapot, when the kettle came to a boil, she poured the water into the pot and let it steep for four minutes. She then poured the tea into one of the finest porcelain tea cups they had been saving for a special occasion, and to her surprise it was blacker than liquid obsidian infused squid ink mixed into crude oil; but it was so velvety and seductive with a sweet, spicy, smokey, floral aroma. It was erotic, exotic, and made her womanhood quiver and throb.

Once she finished her orgasmic cuppa she was not only bathing in the afterglow, but actually drowning in it. With a smile on her face she reached for the black market revolver she had bout three days prior, loaded one bullet, put the barrel of the gun in her mouth, and right as she was pulling the trigger, an Asian woman with glowing red eyes, clad in all black appeared before her.

“Stop!” the woman exclaimed.

But it was to late. The revolver fired, and Cadence dropped the gun, and did the international sign for chocking, grabbing her throat unable to speak.

“Don’t worry!” the woman assured Cadence, “I know the Heimlich Maneuver!”

She grabbed Cadence from behind, put her arms around her, and trust. Cadence coughed up the bullet.

[1pooh4u]

I was gonna through an edit but I don't have time.  You used the wrong "there" a few times," their" is the one you were looking for which indicates possession.

I'm not positive on this but I think you use the semi colon a bit too much and maybe not correctly in each instance.  A semi colon brings together two independent thoughts that could, in and of themselves, stand alone.  The easiest way to tell if you're using the semicolon properly is to simply see if the thoughts make complete sentences upon separation.  I'll try to find an example.

 

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

[Hornshire]

Proof read it a couple more times, for some grammar issues.

 

The big thing We would say is that you do a lot of explaining, but not a lot of narrating. Even with words, show don't tell. The story should emerge from the details, not separate from it. The details themselves also need focus. If you're not using a description of something to set mood or progress plot, what are you doing with it?