So Demarco made a tweet earlier today about Uzumaki getting shitcanned...

[PokeNirvash]

Clearly he's joking, but as per the pattern, here's the big finale you haven't been waiting for! (Here's the first three for catching up.)

FENA: PIRATE PRINCESS IN AN INACCURATE NUTSHELL 4: ANOTHER CRAWLING CHAOS IN THE TAX WRITE-OFF BIN

(Picking up from where the last episode went off, chibi!Nyaruko finishes singing her show’s theme song for an increasingly bewildered Ryo, Ren and Shenhua.)
Chibi!Nyaruko: Hai yoru! (Oh!) Konton! (Nyaa!) Nyaruratoho! (Tepu!!)
Ryo: (glares)
Chibi!Nyaruko: Oh, Mahiro-san~!
Ryo: Who are you?
Chibi!Nyaruko: Blergh!!
(Nyaruko proceeds to vomit up a chibi version of Nyarlathotep, the one from Pop Team Epic season 2. It’s crying much like a baby would.)
Chibi!Nyaruko: You’re gonna help me raise this child!
Ryo: But I’m not ready for that level of commitment!
Chibi!Nyaruko: Fine! (eats Baby!Nyarlathotep)
Ryo: Noooo, our baby!!!
Ren: She’s getting in your head!
Shenhua: And your arm!
(Ryo looks down to find Chibi!Nyaruko furiously humping his arm, placing it in a super-tight grip.)
Ryo: Hnngh, my arm!!
Chibi!Nyaruko: Ooh, Mahiro-san, it’s so tight~!
Ryo: Why do you keep calling me that!?
Chibi!Nyaruko: Because I’m from a harem comedy anime! Insert unfitting pop culture reference here!!

(While they’re in the middle of… “fighting”, I guess? Fena, Shitan, Kei, Kan and Rubel rush onto the scene.)
Fena: Shenmue, we’re here to help-
(Before she can finish, Fena notices Nyaruko on his arm.)
Fena: Aww, that’s pretty cute.
Chibi!Nyaruko: Think again!
(Chibi!Nyaruko’s eyes flash and everyone in the area receives a glimpse of her true cosmic horror form. Everyone’s covering their eyes in terror.)
Fena: Ahh! Not cute! Not cute at all!
Chibi!Nyaruko: BRB, gonna eat out some dissidents! (sticks tongue out, then flies away)

(Later, after the sight of True!Nyarlathotep has worn off…)
Ryo: What should we do?
Rubel: If only Yukimaru were here…
(Yukimaru suddenly teleports in, then places his hand on Fena’s head.)
Yukimaru: And there you have it!
(Then he disappears with her.)
Rubel: Huh. Wonder where they’re going.

(Housing Complex C: that’s where they’re going. Specifically, Kimi’s apartment.)
Kimi: Welcome, to the Room of Infinite Bullshit!
Abel: The fuck does that mean?
Kimi: It means next year… w̵͎̩͚̲̅̆̏̀i̴̝̹̪̐͂̾̑͗͒͌͝l̶̩͇̲̙̪̹̲̇̎͋̽̋͌̑l̷̡̺̫̪̞̩̐̋͗͂͘ͅ ̴̨͎̣͔̥̜̭̂́͆̚ͅḅ̴̺̮̀̎̐̈́͋̈́̎͗e̷̛̜̕ ̶͕̖̣̗̇̈́̿̋̎͌̚ṭ̴̙̓̃͝͠o̸̟̓͘m̷̡͎̗̄̐ȍ̵͖̼̭̬̎̿͛̆̿̄r̸͍̫̼̱̦̺̻̹̀̑͂̀̈́̉̕͝r̷̛̖͎̞̬̱͆͂o̵̗̫̭̱̼̾̈́͛̿̓̅ŵ̷̡̼̟͕̬̟̦ͅ.
Abel: IT’S A WOT!?
(The door slams shut.)
Fena: So, what are we gonna do?
Yukimaru: I dunno. I usually don’t get involved until things are at their worst.
Fena: (beat) …So, we’re waiting for Abel-
Yukimaru: We’re waiting for Abel, yes.

(Meanwhile, in the courtyard outside building C, the others are relaxing the best they can, listening to an old-school radio.)
DJ Voiceover: No, I don’t think it’s sexist to say the word “misogyny” is constantly overused and misapplied.
Mr. Koshide: Hey.
Ryo: Hrmn!?
(Outside are Mr. and Mrs. Koshide, maniacally grinning with blood staining their clothes and knives in hand because fuck subtlety and façades, this is a parody rewrite!)
Mr. Koshide: Can Yukimaru come down and die?
Ryo: The sign says “No Solicitors!”
(It does. It has zero effect. Within seconds, Ryo and Mr. Koshide are trading blows with one another, the former with his martial arts and the latter with his sick-ass Cthulhu knife. Neither seems to have any effect.)
Mrs. Koshide: And suddenly, we’re in a video game.
Kan: I like Dig Dug.
Chibi!Nyaruko: (suddenly appears) And I like Doki Doki Literature Club!
Ryo: I’m a fan of the Yakuza seri-gah!
(Chibi!Nyaruko dynamic entries her way right into Ryo’s gut, blowing him back before dropping down to face Mr. Koshide.)
Mr. Koshide: Great Old Ones, what is this thing!?
Chibi!Nyaruko: I’m your onee-sama~. (knocks Mr. Koshide to the ground.)
Mr. Koshide: (pomf) W-What are we gonna do on the ground, onee-sama…?
(Chibi!Nyaruko then opens up her mouth. Distressingly wide. And there’s, like, so many teeth and tentacles.)
Chibi!Nyaruko: O̸̹͈͓̒̈̾͐ͅO̷̦̠̟̍̒̿̾͠H̴̤̟̮͐ ̵͕̩̘̃̑̌̚͘N̵̪̞̈̐Y̶̟̭̠̓̍͋́̚Ȧ̶͓̅͒͝Ȁ̵̬̖͌͝ͅ
Kan: Now tape it!!
(Kan punches Chibi!Nyaruko in her oversized jaw, knocking her off of Mr. Koshide.)
Chibi!Nyaruko: Ah! Fuck! Do you mind!? I don’t come to your work and knock your patrons out of your mouth.
Mr. Koshide: Wait, you can’t do this! I worship your kind on the daily!
Chibi!Nyaruko: But I’m not Cthulhu, now am I?
Mr. Koshide: Oh, cool. That’s fine, then.
(Chibi!Nyaruko unhinges her jaw and swallows Mr. Koshide whole, taking some time to get him down her gullet. Karin records this and uploads it to Japanese PornHub in record time. The title: “Cultist Vored By A Lesser God Than His”.)

(With that done, Chibi!Nyaruko transforms… into Flash!Nyaruko. She looks like she normally does, but is animated in Flash, a la her 2011 series.)
Flash!Nyaruko: And now I-!
Kei: Hey, you annoying brat!
(Flash!Nyaruko turns around to spot Kei, standing behind her with his sword drawn. This is the first time this has ever happened.)
Kei: This is the only cool thing I’ll ever do. (tilts blade) There is no joke.
Flash!Nyaruko: (grins) Respect.
(Then Kei rushes over and stabs her.)
Flash!Nyaruko: BARBATOS!!
(Get it, because she says random Gundam names whenever she gets hit? ISN’T THAT WACKY!!?!?!)
(Anyways, Kei keeps stabbing her over and over again, only to collapse once finished.)
Kei: Happy Memorial Day, you dumb bitch…
Flash!Nyaruko: (stands up, unharmed) And congrats on graduating to you.
Kei: Thanks… (coughs up blood.)
(Just then, Yukimaru teleports his way down.)
Yukimaru: What was that about graduating?
Kei: Now you show up…
Flash!Nyaruko: Oh hey, Yukimar-
Yukimaru: (glares) You’re gonna fucking die. (teleports away)
Flash!Nyaruko: Oh… Guess I’ve got a problem, then.
Abel: (jumps down) Make that two problems!
Flash!Nyaruko: Oh hey, Abel.
Abel: I’m gonna do you a fuck!
Flash!Nyaruko: …Excuse me!?
Abel: NEVER!!
(Abel turns Super Simp and kicks Nyaruko straight into the dirt.)
Abel: Look how yoked I am. (spits) Straight up cock diesel.
Flash!Nyaruko: …can I just swallow the wife now?
Abel: No.
Kimi: (relieved) Yes!
Flash!Nyaruko: (on knees and pleading) Pleeeeeese??
Abel: Yes.
Kimi: (despairing) Noooooooo!!
Mrs. Koshide: What are they even talking abou-
(Flash!Nyaruko then consumes Mrs. Koshide. It happens so fast most people don’t even notice.)

(One magical girl-style transformation sequence later, Flash!Nyaruko comes into her true form: the 2012 anime version of herself.)
Nyaruko: I am best girl, and you will condone everything I say and do~! (winks)
Kaede & Enju: (pissed) YOU ATE OUR MILFBAI-!
(Nyaruko smacks them aside with her crowbar.)
Kaede & Enju: Oh…
Abel: Now you shall feel the wrath… of SUPER ABE-!
(Same with Abel.)
Abel: Augh…
Rubel: I won’t let you cause this complex any further grie-!!
(Same with Rubel.)
Rubel: Ungh…
Nyaruko: And now I’m gonna start a tournament arc! Later, losers!! (flies off)
Kaede: (helps Kan up) By the way, we’re friends now!
Kan: But we’re foreigners…
Enju: Most of us are!

(Meanwhile, Nyaruko whizzes around the docks of Kuro/Shirosaki, creating the tournament floor. Thanks to her crowbar, it looks like that one unflattering illustration of Jason Demarco.)
Nyaruko: Mmm, this will age well.

(Meanwhile, back at the complex, Yukimaru steps out of Kimi’s apartment in Super Simp/Sanada mode.)
Yukimaru: Hey guys, I’m out of the Iyoyoloki Soyohosu realm. Anything happen?
(The first thing he sees over the balcony of the complex is the courtyard on fire, littered in fish and animal corpses.)
Yukimaru: …Abel. What did you do?
Abel: Nothing…
Yukimaru: Abel, what did you do?
Abel: Nothing!
Yukimaru: What. Did. You. Do!?
Abel: I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!!
Yukimaru: I don’t have a mother.
Abel: …neither do I. (sheds tears while dramatic music plays)
Ryo: By the way, we lost Fena, so-
Yukimaru: But then what are we in!?
(He teleports out, then back in with Fena. She’s dressed in Victorian-era British fashion, frills and parasol and all.)
Yukimaru: It has been fixed.
Fena: Hey, everyone, check it out! I’m from Unicorn!
Shenhua: No, you’re from our show.
(Shenhua places her hand above Fena’s chest, and her lady garb turns into a similar rural Chinese dress to hers.)
Fena: Neat!
Kimi: Okay, so do we have all our problem-solver items?
Makuba: You bet. (holds up the Eden stone)
(At the same time, Ren holds up both the Dragon and the Phoenix Mirrors.)
Kimi: Sick. (smiles, then holds up the jar containing her “Mommy”)
Yukimaru: Now, onto the tournament!

(Meanwhile, at the tournament, Nyaruko is visited by a certain somebody…)
David Zaslav: Hey, are you owned by Warner Bros. Discovery? (revs up fiscal chainsaw)
Nyaruko: Nope!
Zaslav: Ah, no worries. (lowers chainsaw and leaves)
(Fena, the Goblin Knights, Ryo’s team, Kan and Rubel are there watching Zaslav depart. All but the latter two are glaring at him. All except for Karin, who’s smiling a little.)
Karin: I like that guy’s weapon.
Nyaruko: Welcome to the NGPX, everybody! Here are the brackets!
(The bracket consists of one match: Nyaruko vs. Yukimaru.)
Rubel: Wait, how is this a tournament?
Nyaruko: Hey, don’t hate the sport! Hate the system…
Kirie Goshima: What about-
Yukimaru & Nyaruko: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Kirie: Eh, they’re never gonna release my show anyway.
Yukimaru: All right, let’s go, Nyaruko!
Nyaruko: With pleasure!
(Nyaruko charges at Yukimaru and whacks him over the head with her crowbar. Bloody results ensue.)
Yukimaru: Augh!! Ow! I quit! Fena, get ‘em!
Fena: What!?
Nyaruko: NANI!?!
Yukimaru: By next September.

TO BE CONTINUED

Fena: NOOOOOOOO!!!
(Or not. Fena goes Super Simp, which in her case involves being possessed by the spirit of Helena.)
Nyaruko: Wait, wasn’t she goofing off in England befo-ah!!
(Fena rushes over and bitchslaps Nyaruko, reverting her to her Flash form.)
Flash!Nyaruko: Oww…
Fena/Helena: Get lost, you cretin.
Flash!Nyaruko: I’m no cretin… You’re a cretin!!!
(Flash!Nyaruko grabs her crowbar and transforms it into a sword, preparing to run Fena through.)
Fena: (depowers) Oh god, I killed us all!
Yukimaru: No, Fena…
(Yukimaru gets in front of Fena, after which he’s impaled by Flash!Nyaruko’s sword.)
Yukimaru: …just me.
(Yukimaru collapses to the ground, dead. Flash!Nyaruko collapses as well, having been stabbed by Yukimaru’s own sword in the process.)
Fena: NOOO!!!
(Just then, Nyaruko stands back up, having returned to her 2012 form.)
Nyaruko: JK, not dead, LOL.
Rubel: NOOOOO- (gets knocked out by Nyaruko’s crowbar)
Nyaruko: NO! Enough of that! Now listen up! Y’all have been belittling me since before I got here! Ranked me a worse anime of 2012 than Eureka seveN AO!? I’m Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, motherfuckers! So Cthulhu on fucking Earth, you better recognize the crackle of my raw, SSSSEXUAL energy, and line your Crunchyroll Original asses up so I can-!
Ryo: BODY CHECK!!
(Using the ultimate move he had to learn twice in Shenmue III, Ryo steps into the ring and bodyslams Nyaruko hard enough for her to start disintegrating on impact. In her final moments, the ending theme to Nyaruko-san season 1 starts playing.)
Nyaruko: (mentally) Mahiro-san… I’m so sorry… I never got to have your babies…
(With those last thoughts, Nyaruko disappears. Forever.)

(Back at Housing Complex C…)
Fena: Shenmue beat Nyaruko-san!!
Ryo: But at what cost?
(Using the Eden Stone, the Phoenix and Dragon Mirrors, and her “Mommy”, Kimi summons Franz.)
Ryo: Oh right, no cost. Hooray!
Franz: I’M FROM EDEN AND WHAT IS THIS!?
Ren: Bring back the deads!
Franz: DONE!
Kaede & Enju: Give us girlfriends!
Franz: DONE!
Yukimaru: I’m gonna stay dead.
Franz: DONE!
Fena: What!?
Yukimaru: You’re the main character now… (fades out) (then back in) I meant “for now”.

(Housing Complex C ending theme plays)

Fena: Wow, what an adventure! I wonder what’s next for us…
(Ryo places his hand on Fena’s head, smiling. After a beat, the smile fades.)
Ryo: We’ve been written off.
Fena: …What?
Ryo: We’ve been written off.
Fena: You’re kidding! After all that!?
Ryo: Yeah… Sorry.
Fena: But… B-But [as] is gonna produce more original anime for us to interact with, right!?
Ryo: Yeah, but… no.
Fena: …oh.
(Everyone looks down in awkward silence. But then, in a puff of pink smoke, someone appears: Nemuri Kayama, a.k.a. the R-Rated Hero, Midnight.)
Midnight: By the way, I never died. (struts away)

[continued apologies to team four star]

Edited May 28, 2023 by PokeNirvash