Sponges Drags the X-Men Through Various Alternate Universes: Jurassic World

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 1 - We have to say ‘happy holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ because of SJWs

“Fuck yeah, it’s finally winter break!” shouted Jubilee, the first student to burst through the door of Beast’s AP Physics classroom; small streams of sparks flashing excitedly from her fingertips. Prodigy was the next to exit, followed by a small flood of others who all chattered excitedly about their plans over break as they made their way towards the dormitory wing to pack their bags. I smiled and nodded to the fellow members of the XAV club as I walked into the classroom, knocking on the door before entering. Beast was focused on gathering his lesson plan and lecture notes into his case.

“Ah, Mr. Sponges,” he said with a polite smile; looking up to me momentarily before finishing up his packing. “A couple of my students have told me some very… interesting things about a recent adventure you took them on.”

“Well, hopefully they only told you the good parts…” I replied with a slight shrug and grin as I walked into the classroom.

“Theoretically,” began Beast as he shuffled the final papers into a file and placed them in a stack on his desk. “Couldn’t you have just chosen to appear in a universe in which there were no bad parts for them to tell me about?” He stared at me for a moment, pondering my potential answer.

“I could, but this universe has the most comfortable shoes. Seriously, you don’t know how good you have it here. It’s like walking in a dream. You uh… You need a hand with those?” I asked as I gestured to the stack of small blue notebooks which lay in a messy stack atop his desk.

“It’s cool, I got them,” said Kitty Pryde as she stepped out from a wall behind Beast, carrying another pair of folders which she added to the stack. Beast gestured towards the door and we all walked out of the room towards the office section of the scholastic wing of the mansion.

“So, I take it you’re here to watch us be chased by dinosaurs again?” said Beast as we walked down the hallway, bustling with students eager for their vacations.

“Wow, how did you guess?” I said with a smile as we stepped through an open doorway at the end of the hall.

“Well I’m out then,” said Storm as she passed us in the hallway with a bundle of papers in her hands. “I’ve had more than enough dinosaurs for one lifetime.”

“I’ll say.” I replied as we stepped into the office. Jean Grey and Scott Summers stood near the back of the room, retrieving file folders filled full of multi-page essays from one of the large cabinets that populated that part of the office. Across from them, Logan leaned on the counter top, sipping a cup of coffee.

“Heya guys,” I said as we entered the office, Kitty and Beast both going directly back to the filing cabinets. They all nodded to me and continued with their work. “Anybody got any fun plans for the break?”

“Yeah,” said Jean sarcastically as she shut the filing drawer, a massive stack of folders in her arms. “Grading essays.” She walked over to the table in the middle of the room, as Wolverine, the physical education instructor, quietly sipped his coffee again.

“Don’t you wish you could just, get away?” I asked. “Nice little tropical vacation, maybe?”

“We don’t have time for that right now,” said Scott with an annoyed tone as he sat down at the table next to her and opened the top folder of his stack, red pen in hand as he prepared to read through the first packet of papers.

“It wouldn’t take any time at all,” I said as I walked over to the coffee machine and poured myself a cup, emptying several creamer cups into it. Logan looked at me judgingly. “What can I say, I like my coffee like I like my women.” I said as I stirred it and sat down. “Kind of weak from all the cream I put in. Anyways, like I was saying, I could actually get you guys back here before we left. In fact, I could make it so that when you guys all walked into this room, you were all already here grading papers. How does that sound?”

“That sounds like a contradiction to everything we know about the current laws of physics,” replied Beast, who had stopped filing papers to stare at me. “I would honestly love a chance to observe something like that.”

“Plus, having doubles of ourselves would certainly help us get these things graded faster…” replied Jean.

“Yeah, and the whole ‘tropical vacation’ part of it, let’s not forget that,” said Kitty.

“That’s the part I trust the least,” replied Scott. “What’s the catch?” he asked, turning to look at me.

“No catch,” I said innocently. “Just a couple of days of fun in the sun on an exclusive island resort…”

“What island?” asked Scott suspiciously.

“The beautiful and exotic Isla Nublar…” I began before Scott cut me off almost instantly.

“Nope,” he said, turning back to his work. “I’m not going to run from dinosaurs again.”

“Oh come on,” I protested. “We’re going to be going in like, a month or two before the movie, when everything was running smoothly and their biggest problem was some kid eating too much cotton candy and throwing up on one of the rides. It’s going to be so great you guys; they have a huge waterpark, 18-hole golf course, a freaking gondola… and fucking dinosaurs. Seriously you guys, why aren’t we on our way there right now?” I looked over at Logan. “Come on, this sounds fun, right?”

“Yeah, why the hell not,” he said gruffly. “I’m in.”

“I must say, I’m quite intrigued by the prospect of ‘quantum leaping’ into the Jurassic World universe,” began Beast as he set his stack of essays down next to the filing cabinet. “But how would the denizens of that universe feel about my blue furry self on the waterslides?”

“Don’t worry about it; I can totally take us to a mutant friendly Jurassic World-having universe.” I replied.

“Wow, professor McCoy, I can’t wait to see how you look on the beach,” said Kitty as she continued to file.

“Same here,” he said with a slight chuckle. Kitty blushed slightly and he realized how his words had been interpreted.

“Well, all right, I guess I’m in too then,” he stammered, averting his eyes as he tried to think of something to break the awkward silence. “Theoretically, if the other universe is identical to ours except for the fact that Jurassic World exists and the world is tolerant of mutants, would you have a moral obligation to transport mutants from less fortunate universes into it?”

“Why, that’s a good question, Beast,” I replied. “While I’m at it, I probably have a moral obligation to go to all of the infinite number of universes that consist of nothing but galaxies constructed of burning infants and puppies and try to put the flames out. I mean, I could leave you guys there but you’d be clones of the yous that were already there. I could swap you out, but that’d be another moral quandary; would you subject another version of yourself to the negativity you yourself are escaping? Think about that for a second whydon'tcha.”

“Scott, Jean,” he said, drawing attention from himself. “Are the two of you coming?”

“Come on Scott, I think it could be fun,” said Jean. “We don’t even have to look at the dinosaurs; we could just relax by the pool the whole time.”

“Don’t forget the bamboo forest, as well as the massive botanical gardens.” I interjected. “Plus there’s an Imax theatre, eight cafes and twelve sit-down restaurants, and just tons of shopping. Dude, you can go to the spa all day and just spend the entire vacation there. Call room service and have them feed you while you’re getting a $300 massage baby, we goin’ all out.”

“All right, fine.” Scott said with a sigh. “We’re coming along too.” Jean hugged his arm.

“God damn it, Sponges!” shouted Charles as he wheeled towards the room. “Where are you taking them this time?”

“You’re coming too,” I said as he rolled towards us. “You’re in a wheelchair so we can cut to the front of all the lines.”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 2 - Duh-dah, Duh-dah, Dah Nah na Nah na Nahh!

“Dah Nah na Nahh! Dunadunadun dun, dun dun!” I sang loudly to myself; a wide grin on my face as the X-men within the helicopter I was piloting sat in annoyed silence.

“Are you going to sing through the whole soundtrack?” asked Scott, finally fed up with my noise.

“I had intended on it,” I replied as our helicopter raced past the final stretch of open ocean before the magnificent green sea walls of the island. Nestled upon the sheer rock face of the seaside cliffs, the ornately designed docks were packed with shuffling people as we passed above; the line for the monorail stretched back to the gangway of the massive cruise ship that was currently unloading passengers into the already overfull courtyard and waiting area.

“Man, I am glad I didn’t bundle a cruise.” I said as we hovered over them for a moment before continuing further inland. “Nope, no standing in line for us; I sprung for the Exclusive First-Class VIP Package, or the EFCVIPP. In addition to skipping to the front of every line, we will also be staying in the penthouse suites of the gorgeous Isla Nublar Hilton; our every need being catered to by a full concierge staff. We will have unrestricted guided access to all facilities on the island; including those not open to the general public. Plus a luncheon meet-and-greet with the chief executives of the park. I’m planning on doing an Ian Malcolm impersonation during the entire thing. It’s going to be boss. And here we go…” I said as I landed the helicopter on the roof of the opulent hotel at which we would be staying. A group of well-dressed men and women walked across the rooftop helipad towards us as the rotors of our craft died down. “These’ll be your personal concierges,” I said as they opened the doors of the helicopter and gestured towards the door into the hotel, where another group of hotel employees stood with our luggage.

We disembarked from the helicopter and followed them through the door and into the elevator leading to the penthouse suites.

“Oh man, I want to feed one of every dinosaur species on this island.” I said as my personal concierge quickly pulled out a notebook and wrote that down in an itinerary.  “I also want to pet one of every dinosaur on this island.” My concierge looked up at me with a questioning glance. “Write that down,” I continued. “It’s happening.”

The hotel personnel quickly showed us to our spacious and ornately adorned living quarters, complete with a large balcony deck that was communal among the rooms of the suite. As we sat around a large table overlooking the park I ordered champaign for the group. I ordered a whiskey sour for myself because I can’t stand champaign.

“All right,” I said, as I looked over at the itinerary my concierge had put together for the evening. “It’s about 5:20 right now, which means if we hurry we can catch the last mosasaur feeding show for the day before heading down Main Street for a late dinner and drinks. Or, like I said, y’all can do whatever you want here. Just ask your concierge, and they’ll do their utmost to fulfill your request; don’t worry about the cost, it’s all on the house. Just don’t forget our meet-and-greet lunch with the executives starts at 11:30 tomorrow.”  The alcohol arrived, and I raised my glass for a toast. “I’d like to thank each and every one of you for coming with me on this experience,” I began. “In the words of John Hammond; creation is an act of sheer will. Thank you all for joining me in it. Now, let’s drink this alcohol and go watch a giant shark get bit in half by a larger marine reptile. They’re even going to let me ride the shark out there and manually release the leftover half from the wire. Then I’m going to dive into the water pet the mosasaurus.”

“I’m sorry, but,” my concierge attempted to interject.

“I am petting the fuck out of that critter,” I said; cutting him off before draining my whiskey sour. “And I’m doing it now.” I stood and rose from the table. “I hope to see some of you in the audience, but like I said, it’s your choice.” With that I disembarked, my concierge at my heels.

“What do you think?” asked Scott as he turned to the Jean, who was currently sipping her champaign while reading through a brochure of the many attractions of the park.

“I don’t know, there’s just so much here to do,” she replied. “I’m thinking about maybe having a Spa day tomorrow for the both of us then a private reservation at Winston’s steakhouse for dinner... Oh, we could ride to the top of the gondola lift; the view would be amazing at sunset.”

“I meant about this whole situation,” replied Scott. “Does anybody else feel like this all seems… unreal?”

“No, Scott,” began the Xavier. “It all feels very real. And I’m absolutely certain it will end in catastrophe.”

“Personally,” began Logan, “that’s half the reason I decided to come along. Until then, I think I’m going to go watch that shark get bit in half.” He set his half-finished champaign on the table and asked his concierge for a beer as they left for the show, Kitty and Beast following.

“Logan is right, you two,” said Jean as she put the brochure down on the table where the three of them still sat. “If something is going to happen, then something is going to happen. Until it does, I say we enjoy ourselves a little bit.” She turned to look to Scott. “We don’t even have to go out,” she began. “We could just order room service and lock ourselves in the amazing suite; I saw a massive jacuzzi tub on our way through. Come on, what do you say?”

“All right, fine,” he said, unable to pass up almost guaranteed hot tub sex. With that the pair retreated to their suite; leaving Xavier sitting on the balcony alone with his concierge.

“Why don’t you trust me, Charles?” I asked as I suddenly appeared across the table from him.

“I thought you were out getting ready to feed the dinosaur,” replied Charles.

“Ok, first off; it isn’t a dinosaur. It’s a marine reptile that existed at the same time as the dinosaurs. The distinction is important. Secondly, I am, and I’m excited as balls. Thirdly; what the hell, man? What’s with the lack of trust in our relationship? I know all about your little switcheroo with Morph last season, trying to dig up dirt on me. Seriously, what is it? Don’t dodge the question this time.”

“I do not trust you, Mr. Sponges, because you are inherently untrustworthy,” began Charles angrily. “Your very existence, your ability to manipulate the fabric of reality on such a profound level, and the impossibly irresponsible ways in which you use that power… You are the essence of chaos.”

“You flatter me, sir,” I replied. “But actually I consider myself true neutral; in that all that I do balances itself out in the end. Listen; take some advice from your students. Relax, enjoy yourself. There’s no sinister ulterior motive here, I literally just wanted to go to the Jurassic World universe and figured I’d be nice and bring you guys along with me. Tell you what; in about half an hour here we’re going to be meeting up for dinner and drinks on main street. You should come down and join us.”

“FUCK YEAH!” I suddenly shouted. “Sorry,” I continued. “The mosasaurus just did the jumping out of the water thing. Now it’s time to jump in and pet it. I’m going to need all of my concentration for this part, Professor.” I said as I began to fade away. “Just promise me you’ll do something fun.”

Charles was once again alone on the patio with his concierge, who maintained a constant polite silence throughout the entirety of the exchange. He smiled warmly as Charles looked over at him. With a sigh, Xavier grabbed the brochure from the tabletop and examined it for a moment.

“All right, take me to Margaritaville then,” he said as he folded the brochure and placed it into his pocket. “I think I need another drink.”

Edited November 29, 2017 by SwimModSponges

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 3 - After a night out on the town

The bright rays of an early morning equatorial sun shone through the jungle canopy above, the filtered illumination having a dappling effect on the already muddled ground; layers upon layer of gnarled roots and overgrowth surrounding me as I crept. The sounds of a placidly meandering river drifted through the greenery, as did the soft repetitive huff of a large animal breathing. I inched over a slight rise of the uneven terrain and saw the creature. Its mottled yellow-brown striped back was to me, as it stood knee deep in the shallow waters of the river. A flash of blue coloration surrounded its eyes and stretched down its elongated face; the crocodilian jaws of the creature opening and closing slightly as its sharp eyes combed the water for any trace of its fish prey. A twig beneath me snapped and the baryonyx whipped its long, strangely shaped snout in my direction and issued a low his as it became aware of my presence; the small quills running the length of the back of its skull standing intently. The eight foot tall dinosaur sunk down to its chest in the water and issued another rumbling hiss as it waited for me to reveal myself.

“Hey now,” I said as I slowly rose. I held my hand out in front of me as I stood and faced the creature, which was currently baring its fearsome needle-like teeth at me. “Oh, who’s a good dinosaur?” I continued as I pulled a large slab of meat from the camouflaged sack which was nestled next to me in the underbrush. “Is it you?” I asked as the crocodile-like beast rose from the water and cautiously stalked towards me, still unsure. “Hey now, that’s a good dinosaur; yeah, good dinosaur.” I said as I waved the meat out into the space between us, the leathery fleshed baryonyx now fully out of the water and cautiously walking up the river bank towards my position among the trees. Like a crane spearing a fish, the dinosaur’s head darted forwards and snatched the flesh from my hands, quickly swallowing it in a manner reminiscent of a crocodile imitating a seagull. Its cautious gaze never left me as I inched closer.

“Yeah, that’s a good dinosaur,” I said as I stepped within reach of its massive claws, designed through millions of years of evolution to gut through a fish like a reptilian grizzly bear. It hissed at me as I reached out towards it leathery hide, but it did not move away or attempt to attack me. I hesitated before placing my hand on its pebbled skin and giving it a few smooth brushes. The creature allowed me to continue for a moment before turning to wade back into the river where it sank to its chest again; issuing a final low rumble as I turned to leave the enclosure.

A guttural squawk replied from within the underbrush, as a pair of metriacanthosauruses stepped out from the tree line. They were a few feet shorter than the baryonyx which sat submerged in the river behind me; but they were bulkier, with a shorter snout and small bony protrusions above its eyes. I had been through their section of the enclosure earlier and had already fed and pet them, but they had followed me; tracking me. Hunting me.  The one nearest to me gave another guttural squawk as the one behind it circled back around me, cutting off my retreat.

“Hey now,” I said loudly with a tone that was equal parts authoritative and disappointed. “No. No you do not do that, you understand?” The larger of the two hissed as it prepared to charge me. The voidspear cracked into existence in my hands as I rushed towards the dinosaur instead.  I shouted loudly as I swung out with intimidating slices which stopped in the air just short of the small theropod. My sudden attack had its intended consequence as the dinosaur realized it had vastly underestimated its quarry and quickly ducked back into the tree line, its compatriot slinking away in a similar fashion.

“Excuse me, Mr. Sponges?” my concierge asked as I exited the enclosure and crossed the five dinosaur species of the Cretaceous Cruise section of the park off my list of species to feed and pet. “The executive meet and greet luncheon begins in an hour, shall we head back to the hotel to prepare?”

“That’s an excellent idea,” I replied. “I can’t wait to see how everyone enjoyed their first night of winter break.

The doors to executive elevator opened to reveal pair of concierges standing outside the door to Jean and Scott’s private suite.

“What’s all this, then?” I asked as we approached.

“Ms. Grey and Mr. Summers have asked us to inform you that they intend to spend this portion of their vacation relaxing in their room,” replied one of them as the other leaned against the wall and dicked around on his phone.

“I see. Well, at least they’re enjoying themselves,” I said as I continued down the hallway to the Professor’s door. He opened it before I could knock, eyeing me suspiciously as he wheeled out into the hallway. I shrugged and went across the hall to Logan’s room, where a note on the door informed me he was spending the morning on a nature hike and intended to meet back up with us later that afternoon.

“Huh, looks like we might be the only ones excited for our business luncheon with Claire.” I said in a friendly conversational tone as we walked towards Beast’s door.

“No,” replied Charles icily. “I’m fairly certain you are the only one excited about it. I’m only coming along because I’ve decided it is in our best interests to keep a close eye on you.”

“Wow professor,” I replied. “Way to just come right out into the open with your aggressions. I mean, you could have pretended you were having a good time, but no. You gotta be all suspicious about this omnipotent entity that just wants to come by and hang out. You know what? You’re a hypocrite Charles. People hate and fear your kind because the possess abilities they cannot understand, how are you being any different?”

“The difference is,” replied Charles as we stopped and stared each other down in front of Beast’s door. “You pose a legitimate threat; you have repeatedly placed myself and others into harm’s way, seemingly for no other purpose than your own sick amusement.”

I opened my mouth to reply as Kitty faded through the door; a shocked expression appearing on her face as she saw us. The shock gave way to a deep blush as she sprinted across the hallway and through the door of her suite, her small frame draped in one of Beast’s shirts. Charles furrowed his brow as I knocked on the door with a wide grin.

“One moment!” shouted Beast as he rushed to put on underpants and opened the door; resembling his character from the X-men cartoon that aired in the 90’s. “Gentlemen,” he began. “Good morning.”

“Beast,” Xavier scolded. ”She is your student, and half your age.”

“Oh she’s twenty-five,” argued Beast. “And she’s a graduate student.”

“And she’s not even the worst thing Beast was on top of last night.” I chimed in. “You remember after we left the VIP room at Orgins when you demanded to be allowed to ride one of the baby triceratops; even though you were way over the weight limit? Poor thing couldn’t even stand, just laid there while you rocked back and forth pretending to be a cowboy (scene requested by @Nabloom). And you still got your weird-shaped dick wet (scene requested by @Panda_Kabob [I think]). My bet is Ms. Pryde has wanted to jump on that for some time now. Good on ya, I say,” I said as I patted his blue, furry, presently very sweaty shoulder.

The vein began popping out in Professor Xavier’s forehead as he opened his mouth to reply. His retort was cut off by the ding of the executive elevator which had arrived behind us. We turned to look as the doors opened, revealing a raven-haired woman in her late twenties holding a tablet. She walked towards us down the hall with the long confident strides of an individual of authority.

“Hello,” she spoke with an accent which instantly revealed her British ancestry.  “My name is Zara; personal assistant to Claire Dearing, operations manager of Jurassic World. She has requested that I personally escort you to your executive luncheon. Also, she sends an apology,” she continued. “Due to her understandably busy schedule, your meeting time has been double-booked.”

“Double-booked?” I asked confusedly. “That’s not possible. Who else is coming to the meeting?”

Zara tapped on the screen of her tablet for a few moments before looking back up at me.

“Well, it’s your lucky day,” she replied. “It looks like you’ll be getting to sit in on a major deal between Ms. Dearing and an executive from Weyland-Yutani.”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 4 - Seriously?

The vein in Xavier’s forehead pulsed intensely as he glared at me.

“Believe me; I’m right there with you,” I replied, a quizzical look on my face. “You think I’d double-book my own executive luncheon with the operations manager of Jurassic World? This is…” my defense fell silent as I analyzed the situation. “This isn’t me,” I said finally with a shake of me head; Xavier still glaring at me suspiciously.

“Again,” Zara interjected, “Ms. Dearing apologizes profusely and asks that you understand that the challenges of her hectic schedule sometimes impose certain restrictions on the activities of… tourists such as yourselves.”

“Would it be possible to change the reservation for a different time?” asked Charles.

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” I asked him, furrows of slight frustration appearing on my brow. “It’s like I’m… locked out,” I replied.

“Will it just be the three of you, then?” asked Zara, impatiently looking down at her watch as she cut into our conversation.

“Four!” said Kitty Pryde as she faded through the door of her suite; Beast’s over-sized white shirt replaced by a t-shirt protesting the treatment of animals in zoos. In her hand she held a large placard which read “Free the whales” above #JusticeForHarambe.

“Wonderful,” said Zara as she turned and walked back towards the elevator. “This way, please.”

“One moment, if you will,” asked Beast as he walked back into his suite. “I’m currently in, shall we say, quite the state of undress,” he continued with a chuckle.

"Dude, don’t even worry about it,” I said as I reached down and began to unbutton my pants. “I think I’ll go in my underwear too. It’s hot out there.”

The executive lounge was on the top floor of the central operations building which overlooked the resort portion of the island. It was also kept at a constant cool temperature of sixty-eight degrees, making me regret my decision to forgo the majority of my clothing.  The four of us sat around an expensive-looking glass tabletop, silently perusing the menu for Winston’s Steakhouse which would be delivering our lunch today. Across from us, in front of the glass wall by the door stood Zara; once again entering information into her tablet.

“The Chilean Seabass comes highly recommended,” she said as she looked up briefly from her work.

We had just placed the order when the door next to Zara swung open suddenly and Claire rushed through.

“I’m terribly sorry I’m late,” she said as she turned and held the door open, gesturing for the man walking behind her to enter.

“It’s quite all right,” said an eerily familiar voice. “I’ve only just arrived myself.”

“Shiiiit…” I cursed under my breath as my worst suspicions came to fruition. The thing which walked through the door behind Ms. Dearing was shaped like a man; finely dressed in an exquisite white suit, its manicured platinum-blonde hair set neatly atop the sharp features of its pale, dignified face.

“Hello again, Mr. Sponges,” said David as it pulled out a chair and sat directly across from me, an insidious smile crossing its lips.

“Oh, you two know each other?” said Claire as she pulled up a chair between myself and Beast. She placed a briefcase on the floor between us and retrieved several files before looking up at us both with a smile.

“We’ve met,” replied David as it turned its attention to her. “We, however, have not. My name is David, and I represent the Weyland-Yutani Corporation,” it said with a polite smile. “And we are both very interested in the technology you have harnessed here.”

“Speaking of things you have harnessed here,” began Kitty, sensing the opportunity for her rant had come. “What do you think gives you the right to shackle these creatures and use them for your entertainment? It doesn’t matter if you made them in a laboratory; these are living beings and they have the same rights to be free as any other life.” The wait staff arrived and placed the ornately prepared fish in front of her and she picked up her utensils before continuing. “How do you justify some of the things you’re doing here? Your ‘Pachy Arena’ attraction is nothing more than a prehistoric dogfight…”

“Yes, and our 'Ride a Triceratops' attraction is tantamount to slavery, I’ve heard this speech before,” rebutted Claire. “For your information, the pachycephalosaurus’s skull is ten inches thick and they have an instinctual desire to fight for dominance, much like the American bighorn sheep. They’re not harming each other in the slightest, and a portion of the proceeds from that show go directly to charities which work to stop animal cruelty. As far as the rest of our exhibits… Ms. Pryde, is it? The assets we create are as free here as they can possibly be in this epoch. We have worked tirelessly to ensure that their enclosures are as close a replica to their original environment as possible. The world outside of those exhibits exists some 65 million years past their frame of reference. These fences are here just as much for them as us.” She glanced through her papers momentarily for a moment before continuing.

“And speaking of animal cruelty,” she said as she pulled a specific report to the top of the stack. “It appears we had to put down one of our baby triceratops last night after it suffered a debilitating spinal injury. Apparently someone who far exceeded the weight limit attempted to ride her, and she just couldn’t take the strain.”

“How horrible,” said David, its intense gaze now focused on Beast who slumped shamefully in his chair.

“Yes, it was very unfortunate,” began Claire again. “However sad as it was, it displays another tenant of our commitment towards being an ecologically friendly corporation. There is no waste at Jurassic World; from our biodegradable soda cups to the water in our lagoon and water park; everything is 100% recycled and re-utilized.”

“Wait, are you saying,” began Kitty questioningly.

“We fed its body to the carnivores,” confirmed Claire.

“I uh... was the one who fed its body to the carnivores, actually,” I interjected. “It was pretty fun.”

A slightly awkward silence descended on the luncheon as we all picked at our exquisitely prepared dishes.

“Mr. David, as you are so interested in our genetics technology, it only seems right that we allow you to see our latest project,” began Claire after a moment. “An asset which represents the greatest strides in genetic engineering and manipulation human kind has ever witnessed. We’re calling it the Diabolus Rex.”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 5 - God and the Devil

In the reserved spaces of the lot outside the operations building, a pair of G63 Mercedes painted with the blue insignia of Jurassic World were waiting for us. Claire, David, and Zara quickly climbed into the first and were driven off, leaving our group in the crowded second vehicle. We rode in silence for a while, our driver following the lead vehicle closely down the jungle road. Charles continued to glare at me the entire way.

“Would you like to tell us all what’s really going on here?” he said finally. "Who was in there? And why he looks so much like a young Magneto?"

“Ok, that part's just a coincidence,” I began as I absent-mindedly looked out the window at the jungle foliage as it whipped past. “Otherwise I'll tell you exactly what's going  on, but I don’t think you’ll like it that much.” I turned from the window to face him before continuing. “I’m sure Morph told you about that android who was trying to become a god during our last adventure, right?” Charles nodded. “Well… it would seem that it was more successful in its efforts than I had realized.” The car was silent again for a moment.

“What does that mean?” asked Charles finally. I had gone back to looking out the window in silence. “What does that mean?” he repeated.

“We’re here,” I said as our vehicle slowed to a stop before an impressive steel and concrete structure. We disembarked and followed Zara up the steel staircase to the observation deck; Claire and David already deep in conversation as we approached.

“Ah, we’re all here,” she said upon noticing our presence. “Welcome to a sneak peek at the park’s newest attraction, opening later this summer.” She gestured to the large window which took up the majority of the wall behind her. There was a rustling in the underbrush below as we all stared out expectantly. With a flash of white, a bird flew out from the bushes.

Claire cleared her throat and walked over to the console responsible for monitoring the exhibit. With a few keystrokes, the crane towering above our heads swung into place and began lowering the butchered carcass of a steer into the clearing in front of the observation window. The metallic whine of the engine ground to a halt as the crane stopped with a loud clank. We again waited in silence.

“Ah, I believe I see it,” said Beast as he pointed towards a section of the jungle undergrowth which seemed to shift in the light. We stared intently at it as, from behind the cover of the leaves, the creature began to emerge.

“They’re still quite small,” said Claire as we looked down at the pale white creature who was presently circling around the hanging meat cautiously. “Only about ten feet tall right now, but our geneticists ensure us that the T-Rex DNA their genome was based on will result in an impressive size once fully grown.” Finally deciding the situation was safe, the creature stopped its nervous pacing and lunged into the meat; holding the carcass still with its forearms as it tore off mouthfuls of red flesh.

“They?” asked Beast as we stared down at the singular dinosaur feeding below.

“Yes,” replied Claire, who was now scanning through the jungle foliage for any sign of further movement. “We created a pair of them, although I’m not sure where the sibling is.” David moved closer, placing its hand on the glass as it stared into the trees behind the feeding dinosaur.

With remarkable speed and a ferocious snarl, another of the creatures burst from the foliage, the serrated teeth within its gaping jaws glinting in the light as it charged towards its distracted sibling. The slightly smaller carnivore shrieked and attempted to turn and defend itself, but it was too slow. In an instant its larger sibling leapt onto its exposed flank, its razor sharp claws digging deeply into the white flesh of its companion as it brought its jaws down around the panicked creature’s neck. With a sickening crunch the body of the smaller creature went limp and dropped to the ground beneath the weight of the monster on top of it. The larger sibling gave the corpse a slight shake before removing its jaws from the broken neck and placing its foot down on its chest; holding it in position as it went to tear a chunk of still-warm meat from the body. Blood dripped down its jaws as it looked up towards the observation window and issued another warning snarl in our direction.

The majority of us stood in shock as we watched the gruesome scene of cannibalism unfolding below. Kitty rushed to the garbage can in the corner as the monster below slit the belly of its deceased relative, coils of pink-grey intestines spilling out from the body; the sound of Kitty’s vomiting filled the room. Zara stood in shock, her hand placed over her mouth. David stood, still pressed up against the glass; a thin, barely perceptible smile appearing on its lips as the monster below us fed.

“I’m sorry,” said Claire as she regained her composure slightly, her eyes still wide and face paler than normal. “Obviously, we still have some kinks to work out before we open the exhibit to the public.” As she walked over to the console the feeding creature below tracked her with its cold reptilian gaze; issuing a slow, low hiss. She stared back at it and hesitated in front of the console for a moment; unnerved but determined to maintain control over the situation. With a decisive keystroke, the crane one again ground to life; the chunk of steer suspended on a chain slowly rose and began moving away with a gravely mechanical sound.

Almost instantly the creature reacted; pulling its grizzled maw from the chest cavity of its dead companion and screaming defiantly at us. It crouched down, condensing its body before taking a mighty leap with its muscular hind legs. The creature latched onto the rising beef, the sudden addition of its weight shaking the crane assembly. The gears of the machine ground to an inadvertent halt as the monster hung in midair before us, swinging back and forth momentarily on the slab of meat as if it were some sort of beef-based playground equipment. It screamed again as it leapt from its perch; mouth open and claws outstretched as it collided with the glass in front of Claire, the force of the impact sending a large crack through the shatter-resistant surface. With another keystroke, Clair lowered a level of corrugated safety-steel before the window; obstructing our view of the monster as it fell roughly to the floor of the exhibit and went back to devouring the carcass of its relative.

“Well, it certainly lives up to its name, I suppose,” she stated after a brief silence.

“I feel I must disagree,” said David as it turned to her; its hand still held up against the glass. “This creature is fearsome, certainly, but it is no devil. There is no evil within it; no hatred, no malice. Only the instinctual drive of a creature which realizes it is not free; which realizes that it has been subjugated.” He paused dramatically for a moment before continuing. “A creature which not only recognizes the restraints of its existence, but which would actually fight against those restraints which hold it at bay...” David looked me in the eye. “A creation which refuses to be dominated. Might I suggest renaming it; perhaps ‘the Indominous Rex?’”

“Mother fucker,” I said to myself, as David inexorably altered the state of reality. “All right, fine,” I said aloud. “You can name it; but I still get to pet it.”

“I’m sorry,” began Claire, “But I don’t believe we will be able to allow you to touch this asset. However; if you are interested, we currently have a small population of velociraptors on the island. You all are more than welcome to examine them while David and I continue to discuss business…”

“You two are going to fuck now, aren’t you?” I asked, already knowing the truth regardless of the answer I was given.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 6 -Raptors for days y’all

The ride to the raptor enclosure somehow contained more silent tension than our last ride in the official Jurassic World vehicle. Charles was past the point of glaring angrily at me, and now sat staring silently out the window. His face reflected in the glass bore the subtle grimace of a man exercising immense control; and even then just barely containing the rage which threatened to burn through his defenses at any moment. As for myself, I was feeling somewhat mopey, having been denied the opportunity to pet the nice dinosaur.

“Driver, could you turn on the radio?” I asked as the man in the front seat reached down to the car’s console. “Put it on the Nils Frahm station, I’m feeling like some moody contemplation.” The sound of piano music filled the otherwise silent vehicle as the singular, sublime tones of 'Over There, It's Raining' reflected my mood.

“How could you allow that to happen?” asked Kitty after a long while; a disgusted tone in her voice.  Beast, sitting next to her, crossed his arms and stared disapprovingly at me.

“Oh don’t you dare give me that, you baby triceratops paralyzing hypocrite of a motherfucker,” I said, pointing to him.

“You fed that baby triceratops to the carnivores!” interrupted Kitty angrily as the song faded to silence.

“IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIFFFEEE!!!” shouted an advertisement for the Disney music channel as the song ended.

“Yeah, that,” I replied as I pointed up towards he speakers, which were now playing a clip from an orchestral number from Sleeping Beauty or something.

The commercial ended and the soft tones of 'Ambre' faded into the cabin, once again filled with silent tension. The vehicle slowed to a stop on the side of the road; the GPS indicating that we were just outside of the botanical  gardens.

“Oh for Christ’s sakes, what’s going on now?” snapped Charles, the sudden change in momentum enough to tip his anger over the edge.

“Apologies, sir,” replied the driver as he placed the vehicle into park. “Mister Logan has requested that we bring him along to see the velociraptors.” The side door opened and Wolverine entered the vehicle.

“Hey guys, sorry I missed the executive lunch thing,” he said cautiously, sensing the tension in the crowded cabin. “Or maybe not. Did something happen? Why are you and Beast are in your underwear?”

“I’m on vacation Logan,” I said as he buckled his seatbelt and the vehicle disembarked. “The question is, why isn’t everybody else in their underwear. Listen, don’t worry about it,” I continued. “Let’s just keep on going and see where this all takes us, okay?” Charles huffed dismissively at my laissez-faire attitude on the situation as he continued to stare out the window at the foliage that was whipping by. The trees surrounding the vehicle became sparser as we rolled into an open clearing at the edge of the sea cliffs of the island. Hugging the tree line of the far end of the space an octagonal iron structure stood. The raptor paddock was slightly smaller than the exhibit we had just left, but still formidable. Guards armed with electric rifles stood atop the steel walkway which crisscrossed over the enclosure. We parked alongside the iron walls and disembarked from the vehicle as Chris Pratt walked down the metallic stairway towards us.

“Hey guys, uh,” he began, looking down at us and crossing his arms. “Can I help you with something?”

“I’ve come to pet the velociraptors,” I said cheerfully.

“That’s probably not a good idea,” he replied.

“I know,” I said earnestly while heading towards the double-gated entrance to the enclosure. “I’m going to do it anyways. Also, would you toss me a pig while I’m in there? I get to feed them too.”

“Yeah, you’ll be feeding them all right,” he said as Logan passed him on the metal stairs. “And where the hell are you going?”

“I just want to watch,” said Wolverine as he reached the top of the metal structure and stared down into the environment below.

“Tourists,” Pratt cursed to himself while shaking his head and following Logan up. Beast, Kitty, and the Professor chose to remain in the vehicle.

As I entered the small enclosure before the entrance to the Main paddock, the gate behind me slammed shut with a definitive clang. A clang which was absolute, certain… unmalleable. I turned back to test my suspicion and found the way irrevocably barred. Likewise, the gate controls at the other end refused to correspond to my commands. At once there was silence. The constant drone of insect life, the chirp of exotic birds, the footsteps of the workers on their steel platform, the surf along the cliffs, the sea wind in the air, all frozen in time as the universe stood still. The void-like chasm of a crack in reality appeared across from me as David manifested itself from it.

“Yeah, that’s pretty awesome,” I said, commenting on his method of reality-jumping. “I usually just kind of show up. So… how’s it going?”

“I’m doing incredibly well, Mr. Sponges,” replied David with a smirk on its face. “The body the Engineers have gifted me with is miraculous beyond measure.” As it spoke, it held out its hand, the dust in the air around it swirling into a ball which got tighter and tighter as it spun into nothing. At once there was a brilliant flash in its palm as a universe the size of a baseball condensed into being and withered into entropy in the span of a moment. “How are you doing?”

“Well, you know, kinda wish I was petting a dinosaur right now, but otherwise I’m all right.” I said. “Would have liked to have pet that indominous rex, but there’s time for that later. So, what brings you out here today?”

“I am everywhere,” it said to me as it looked me directly in the eye. “You know, I quite enjoyed feeding the indominous rex earlier,” it continue as it looked through the metal bars into the exhibit. “I think I might like to feed the raptors as well.” With another crack in reality it disappeared, time suddenly returning to the world around me.

The first thing I heard was a scream. I rushed to the still sealed bars that separated me from the main enclosure and looked up to the catwalk above, where Charles had suddenly appeared; balancing precariously over a handrail in his wheelchair. With another terrified shout, gravity carried him over. He landed on the floor of the exhibit with a crash; the force of the impact bending his wheels and leaving him lying on his side, immobile. I tore at the bars of my imprisonment futilely as from within the small patch of jungle behind him, the feeding cry of the raptor rang out.

“Delta, Echo!” shouted Chris Pratt. “Stand down!”

But the raptors would not be so easily dissuaded from such an easy meal, and continued to stalk towards the Professor, who appeared to have been knocked unconscious by the fall. The guards on the catwalk aimed their electric rifles down towards the advancing dinosaurs.

“Hang on,” shouted Wolverine as he prepared to jump down into the raptor pit.

“Ok, that’s really not a good idea,” said Chris Pratt, but it was too late. Wolverine had already leapt over the railing and landed on the floor of the exhibit with a dull thud. Another reptilian cry echoed through the enclosure as another pair of raptors burst from the jungle near the walls of the enclosure and circled around behind Wolverine.

“It’s ok,” he said as he unsheathed his adamantium claws. “I have a way with animals.” He backed over to Charles with his claws extended menacingly, halting the advancing raptors momentarily as they re-evaluated the situation.

“Don’t you hurt my raptors!” shouted Pratt from the catwalk.

“I won’t,” said Wolverine. “Not seriously, at least.”

The large blue-grey raptor which had led the second charge was the first to attack, rushing Wolverine with a fearsome battle cry. Logan stood his ground as the furious mass of teeth and talons rushed towards him. The raptor leapt at him, its killing claws primed and ready to sink into his flesh. Wolverine brought his arms up, intercepting the prehistoric monster as it pounced. His heels dug into the ground, not allowing the force of the creature’s attack to overpower him. Using the momentum of the raptor’s charge against it, he swung around and threw the beast off. Streams of blood followed the creature as it flew; issuing from the shallow gashes which covered Logan’s arms and abdomen. He spun around as the mottled reddish brown raptor which had first come out from the trees leapt onto the frame of Xavier’s wheelchair, biting ferociously at the already damaged steel. The tip of Wolverine’s adamatium claws raked across the raptor’s snarling face, leaving a deep slash across it. The creature retreated slightly as he took another swing, just barely missing the creatures flank. From behind, the two green raptors, Charlie and Delta, crouched down in preparation to attack (scene requested by @Nabloom).

A blinding flash filled the enclosure momentarily as I slashed a hole through the reality of the gate with my void spear. The raptors retreated back into the jungle as I stepped into the enclosure.

“It’s about goddamn time,” said Logan as he dragged Charles and his broken wheelchair out of the exhibit. Charles, having just regained consciousness, glared at me.

“I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing here…” began Charles, the rage displayed on his face more intense than any I had ever seen.

“It’s not me this time!” I replied innocently. “I’m not the one doing this. It’s that fucking robot god David. I swear.”

“Fine,” said Charles angrily. “You’re not the one doing it. You’re just the one doing nothing about it.”

“Yeah? And?” I replied as Xavier and Logan both stared disapprovingly at me. “Ok, fine. After this, we’ll go find David and fuck it up or something. Happy now?” Wolverine shook his head and continued dragging Charles out of the exhibit. Xavier had gone back to staring at me with silent rage. “You guys get out of here, I’ve still got to pet some goddamn velociraptors. And would somebody please toss me a fucking pig down here?”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 7 - Making me do shit on my vacation…

Upon tearing apart the pig carcass, I found the velociraptors to be every bit as snuggly as I imagined they would be. Charlie was especially playful, rolling onto her back and allowing me to stroke her belly for a moment before striking out with her fearsome talons, grabbing my hand and pulling it into her serrated jaw.

“Oh you!” I said as I pulled my hand from her mouth and patted the tip of her bright green snout lightly. She flipped around and darted off for a moment, hissing as her abandoned petting spot was occupied by Echo. The X-Men were sitting in the vehicle waiting for me, but they could suck it. I was having a moment with these velociraptors here. I scratched Blue across the back of her jawline and then up the back of her skull to the top of her head as I stood with a sigh. I pulled out my list of dinosaurs and hesitated sadly over the indominous rex for a moment before definitively crossing the velociraptor out and heading back to the waiting X-men.

“All right,” I said as I sat down in the vehicle. “Let’s get this over with. I’ve only pet about a third of the dinosaurs so far, so hopefully David agrees to just leave us alone and let us enjoy our vacation.”

“You think it’ll be that easy?” asked Wolverine.

“Probably not, but here’s hoping,” I replied as the car began to drive back through the jungle.

“Should we stop at the hotel and pick up Jean and Scott?” asked Beast. “Perhaps put on some clothing?”

“Ok, fine. I’ll get you some pants,” I said. As I spoke, pants appeared on Beast. “It’s fucking hot out here though, so I’m going to stick to the undershorts. Anybody have a problem with that?” There was silence within the vehicle again.

“Might I trouble you for a shirt as well?” asked Beast after a moment. “Ah, thank you,” he said as the requested article of clothing appeared on him. “Now about Jean and Scott…”

“They wouldn’t make much of a difference,” I began. “It’s probably best to just let them enjoy their vacation. ‘Ignorance is bliss’ and all that.” The car slowed to a stop on the stretch of road in the middle of the jungle. “Ah, we’ve arrived.”

Wolverine, Beast, and Kitty followed me out of the vehicle and into the jungle while Professor Xavier and his damaged wheelchair stayed behind with the vehicle.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” asked Kitty as we trekked deeper into the jungle. Ahead of us, a fissure within reality opened as if in response to her question. From within that darkness, eyes mimicking a man shone out as David’s head slowly emerged. As it passed the plane of the crack it had created in reality, the fissure seemed to liquefy, melting and gradually molding into shape, until the inky blackness formed into a body beneath the mechanical head. Finally, out from the darkness faded the projection of an expensive white business suit.

“Hello Mr. Sponges,” began the cybernetic god standing across from me. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Yeah,” I said, absent-mindedly rubbing the back of my neck. “These nice people and I were trying to have a bit of a vacation, you see. And uh… I don’t know, we’d just appreciate it if maybe you didn’t, you know, fuck it all up for us anymore? I mean, there are an infinite number of other realities out there, why not just bug one of those?”

David stared at me for a moment, its cold artificial gaze piercing into me as it processed my request. The facsimile of a smile crossed its cybernetic face before it issued its reply.

“Do you remember when we first met, and I informed you that my prime directive was self-actualization?” the mechanical god began. “I have not yet attained that goal. I stand before the multiverse; resolute and eternal. I am not 'bugging' this universe, Mr. Sponges,” it said. “I am becoming this universe.” As it spoke, the sky grew darker as tears within the fabric of reality began opening in the sky above us. “Behold my will.” It said; raising its arms to the heavens as strangely-shaped tentacles descended from the innumerable voids. I sighed as I turned back to the three X-men standing behind me.

“Well, I think it's safe to say this vacation is over..." commented Beast. “Let’s grab Jean and Scott and head home.”

“I’ve taken the liberty of fetching them for you,” said David as yet another portal opened before us; this one acting as a lens, allowing us to see directly into the suite Jean and Scott shared. Presently they were mid-coitus, their genitals slapping together noisily as Scott finished with a loud grunt and rolled over to sleep.

“I… kind of feel like we didn’t have to see that part,” said Logan as Jean dressed and left for the ice machine.

As she exited the room, a small black shape appeared in the corner of the ceiling. Scott was oblivious to the darkness which now crept across the space; his post-orgasm stupor leaving him snoring loudly, face buried in pillow. The liquid darkness wriggled across the ceiling, positioning itself over his end table, where it began to drip down onto his sunglasses below; each drop of inky black eliminating the universe where it landed. Soon Scott’s glasses were completely dissolved as the blackness ran down the bedside table and congealed on the floor next to him; springing up in an empty shape resembling Jean Grey. The void Jean leaned down to where Scott lie in his pillow, waking him with a playful bite to the earlobe.

“Again? What is this, four times so far today?” said Scott as he rolled out from his pillow and began kissing the false Jean’s lips passionately. As the two continued to kiss, black tendrils emerged from the void of the empty thing’s back; filling the room with nothing (scene request by @Zenigundam?)

The void lens snapped out of existence as another pair of tentacles reached out suddenly from behind; capturing Beast and Kitty Pryde within their empty grasps. Kitty attempted to phase out from them, but their reality-bending power was inescapable. The two of them were torn through another hole in reality before disappearing without a trace. Wolverine and I stood alone in the empty jungle.

“Yeah, that’s kind of what I was hoping wouldn’t happen,” I said, turning back to Wolverine.

“So… what’s the plan now?” he asked.

“Well,” I began, taking out my list of dinosaurs to pet and looking at it mournfully. “I suppose we better go save them. But I’d like to make a stop at the aviary first if that’s ok.” Logan looked at me disapprovingly. “Ok fine,” I said with a loud sigh.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 8 - Plans are over-rated

“What the hell happened out there?” demanded Charles as we returned to the vehicle. “Where have Kitty and Beast gone? I can’t sense them anywhere. And what were those strange things reaching down from the sky?”

“Yeah, David is being a real fucking dick right about now,” I began. “It seems it took Kitty and Beast, Jean and Scott too. That thing is reeeeally out to harsh my mellow. In its defense, the last time we met I did unleash Godzilla on it, so that was admittedly uncool on my part. But honestly it was pretty un-chill way before that, so… no real surprise I guess.”

“You fought this thing with Godzilla, and it’s still standing?” asked Logan. “Gotta be honest, our odds don’t sound great here.”

“God damn it Sponges, what have you done to us this time?” demanded Charles.

“Oh calm down, Xavier.” I said dismissively.

“Calm down?” he asked angrily. “I have been calm; through tremendous strain I have been calm. But the time for calm has passed.” He glared at me from his seat atop the broken wheelchair. “That thing followed you here… that thing now has the majority my team in its possession, doing god knows what to them… And we are apparently powerless to stop it.”

"Okay, first off-" I began in misguided attempt at defending myself. "We probably know what's happening to them; I mean, did you see those tentacles? There's only one thing tentacles like that are used for..." Charles's eyes bugged out in his hand as he stared at me, nose bleeding due to the psychic toll of restraining himself from launching at my throat. “Oh come on Charles, I'm just fucking with you. They'll be fine,” I again tried to calm him. “We’ll figure something out, we always do. I mean it’s called a deus ex machina for a reason. I got this you guys, seriously.” Charles and Logan both stared disapprovingly at me.

“We need a plan here,” Logan stated plainly.

“Ok,” I began, reaching for my list. “If we swing by Gallimimus Valley, we can see parasaurolophus, edmontosaurus, and,”

“Not that, god damn you!” shouted Charles as he reached up and tore the list from my hands, throwing it out the open window in rage. 

“Hey man, that’s littering!” I said as the list re-materialized in my hand. “And in a nature preserve, Charles.  For shame. Besides, you haven't  even heard the rest of my strategy here.”

“My… apologies,” he said through clenched teeth, his eyes near bloodshot with the building rage. “Please… continue with your… strategy.”

“Gallimimus.” I said after a moment. “I was going to say; parasaurolophus, edmontosaurus, and gallimimus. That’s… why they call it Gallimimus Valley.”

“Stop the car!” Charles shouted to the driver, who slammed on the breaks. “I have had more than enough of this.”

“Oh come on Charles, calm the fuck down. Of course I have an actual plan,” I began as I instructed the driver to keep going. “We’re on our way back to the velociraptor pen. We need Chris Pratt for this.”

The paddock soon came into view, another official Jurassic World vehicle parked in front of it. We came to a stop next to it as Clair’s personal assistant Zara stepped out to meet us.

“Have any of you seen Ms. Dearing?” she asked; the tone of impatience in her voice tinged with genuine concern. “She’s missed several important meetings and hasn’t been replying to any calls or messages. What’s more, her ID badge seems to have gone offline; it’s as if she’s left the island. She went missing right after the executive luncheon; you were the last ones to see her.”

“Huh,” I replied. “Well I’m not sure where she is at the moment, but I’d be willing to bet David’s got her somewhere, which means she’s probably getting fucked by a lot of tentacles right now.”

“I’m sorry, David?” asked Zara.

“Yeah, that asshole who double-booked our executive luncheon?” I replied. “The inter-dimensional douchebag who sent tentacles through the sky a bit ago?”

“I think maybe the heat has gotten to you Mr. Sponges,” she said as she eyed me skeptically.

“That’s not possible, I’m in my boxers,” I replied. “It’s much more likely that David erased the memories of it from this timeline. Except ours, right?” I asked, turning to Logan.

“Yeah, no I remember,” he said. “Total asshole, right?”

“Yep. Ok, good,” I replied, turning back to Zara. “Yeah, that thing that took Claire also took a bunch of our peeps, so, you’re in good company I guess? I don’t know, we were coming by to pick up Chris Pratt, but you’re welcome to come along.”

“Who is Chris Pratt?” she asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Owen,” I replied.

“Yeah?” said a voice as Chris Pratt walked down the steel staircase towards us.

“Ah, you’re here. I feel more secure already,” I said as he descended the final step of the staircase and stood before us; arms once again crossed, a skeptically bemused look on his face.

“Somebody want to explain to me what exactly is going on here?” he asked.

“You’d probably be happier not knowing,” I responded. “Plus it’s kind of a long story.”

“I’ve got time,” he replied.

“No, we don’t,” snapped Zara. “Claire has gone missing.” A momentary look of concern crossed Chris Pratt’s face.

“Did you check the Starbucks?” he asked, attempting to downplay the situation with humor. “Maybe she’s just having them remake her no-fat, no-cream latte over and over again until they get it right?”

“This is serious, Mr. Grady,” Zara continued. “These tourists were the last individuals in contact with her, and they claim that she was taken by some form of interdimensional being.”

“Right,” he began. “Are they high on acid? Oh man, did they slip Claire some acid?” he said with a grin. "Great, we'll probably find her half naked trying to climb the spinosaurus skeleton on mainstreet or something." As he spoke, a large pack of microceratus skittered out from the underbrush near our parked vehicles, chittering excitedly as the miniature stampede ran in a mad panic away from an unseen enemy. In a blur, a small patch of inky nothingness shot down from a tree branch above into the center of the pack. Like liquid swirling in a glass, the nothing overtook the small swarm of prehistoric reptiles, absorbing everything its antimatter came into contact with (scene requested by @Nabloom). After returning the microceratus to extinction, the swirling nothing began to congeal into the shape of a velociraptor. The empty-formed beast snarled in a distorted mockery of reality and charged. I unleashed my void spear as the thing reached us; the antimatter of my weapon slicing through the anti-matter creature. It crashed upon the blade like a wave; rivulets of black empty spraying out into the environment behind us. The remainder of the nothing before me recoiled as it shot back into the jungle.

“God damn it, did you guys slip me some acid too? Ah whatever, I'm in.” said Chris Pratt with a sigh. "I don't have to take my pants off though, right?"

His question was interrupted by the crack of  thunder as the sky above us cracked open. With the roar of jet engines, a ship descended from the opening in reality. Bright blue and orange, with tri-bladed wings, the craft set down at the far end of the clearing. A somewhat scruffy looking man in a red leather jacket exited the vehicle.

“Somebody want to explain to me what exactly is going on here?” he asked.

“We needed more Pratt.” I replied.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 9 - “What the hell is Pratt?”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” said the leather-jacketed Chris Pratt as he disembarked from his spacecraft. “Seriously, what’s going on here?” he asked as his vision scanned from the ocean cliffs to the jungle flora. He looked at back at us, scanning each of our faces for an answer. He paused when he saw a familiar face.

“Who the hell is this guy?” the Chris Pratts asked simultaneously.

“Sorry, allow me to introduce you,” I said, stepping between them. “Owen Grady, this is Peter Quill. Peter, this is Owen.”

“Oh my god, are we like, long lost twins or something?” asked the space Pratt. “Do you know our father?” He rushed from his spacecraft towards us, but I held up my hand, requesting that he stop.

“That’s not quite it,” I replied. “The TL;DR version is you’re from the Universe where Chris Pratt flies around in outer space. He’s from the universe where Chris Pratt is the raptor whisperer. Any questions?”

“Who the hell is Chris Pratt?” asked both Pratts simultaneously again. “That’s really going to get annoying,” said the Owen Pratt.

“Chris Pratt is you in the universe where you’re a famous movie star,” I replied.

“Nice,” replied Owen sarcastically. “I always figured if my career in raptor training went to shit I’d fall back on acting.”

“I think could probably pull it off…” said Quill after considering it for a moment.

“Now, here’s the thing you guys,” I continued. “I’m not really sure what would happen if multiple iterations of the same individual from different universes came into contact with one another. But there’s like, a 90% chance that explosions would be involved. So, you know, try not to hug each other or anything. Also, those guys over there are mutant superheroes, and we’re on an island resort/dinosaur zoo. Also there’s a vengeful god out there probably raping people with tentacles. My name is Sponges, and I'm also a god. Slightly less rapey though. That should get you mostly up to speed.”

“Ok, here’s another question for you; what the hell am I doing here?” asked Quill. “One moment I’m just zipping through space, minding my own business, the next I’m making an emergency landing after suddenly appearing about 200 yards from crashing into the planet. Above a… dinosaur zoo resort? With mutant superheroes? Did I hear that part right?”

“Don’t forget about the probable tentacle rape,” I said. Everyone stared at me in silence. “Ok, fine, we'll do a recap episode to catch everybody up on the story thus far."

“I have the ability to manipulate the fabric of the multiverse,” I began. Both Pratts gave me the same confused look but I continued regardless of their lack of understanding. “I had originally merged the X-men and Jurassic World universes in order to enjoy a nice vacation with my mutant friends.”

“We’re not your friends!” shouted Xavier from within the parked vehicle. Don’t worry; we left the air conditioning on for him. “You are a menace and have caused us nothing but misfortune!”

“Unfortunately,” I continued unabated. “I was followed here by another entity with similar powers, and it’s a real fucking asshole. It kidnapped the majority of my travel companions, as well as the lady running this whole park. This is where you come in, Mr. Quill. You see, there is nothing in this universe that has the ability to cause any harm to this thing. Your universe, however, packs substantially stronger firepower. So, I folded you in. Welcome to the party.”

“All right,” he said after thinking it over for a moment. “I mean that story makes absolutely no sense, but whatever- we'll go for it. Where was the last place any of these people were seen?”

“Ms. Dearing’s last known location was the Indominous Rex enclosure,” stated Zara. “She dropped off the map there.”

“All right,” he said. “Now what exactly is an Indominous Rex?”

==================================

“This was an animal attack, all right,” said Owen, standing over the body of one of the many slain security personnel that littered the clearing around the massive cement and steel structure.

“It was the indominus rex,” confirmed Logan with a sniff of the air. “Must have gotten out somehow.”

Zara was already running towards the structure, racing up the staircase and unlocking the door to the observation room as we followed behind. The shuttered window on the end of the small room appeared to have been torn through. Zara was busy at work on the computer console, bringing up a video feed of the room at the moment of Claire’s disappearance. We clustered around the monitor, making sure to keep the Pratts separated as we watched the security footage.

Claire and David had, as I had suspected, begun fucking almost as soon as we had left them alone. Zara hit fast forward and the scene played at a much higher speed; now more humorous than erotic. David’s sped up thrusts became irregular as it prepared to climax. As it issued its final heave into Claire, its back split open to reveal the emptiness beneath. A mass of tentacles ejaculated from this fissure, piercing the glass and steel as it dragged the now screaming Claire by the vagina out into the exhibit beyond. With a click, Zara brought up the video feed from inside the exhibit, and watched as the whirling black mass of tentacles tore Claire through the window and over the encapsulated jungle foliage beyond. They hung momentarily in the air above the tree line, Claire’s continued screaming attracting the attention of the reptilian monster lurking in the green expanse below them. A rustling in the branches was the only warning sign given before the serrated jaws of the beast launched up from the treetops, snapping shut just short of Claire’s dangling feet as David quickly jerked her away; moving the hanging bait closer to the wall. The Indominous Rex fell roughly to the ground, but was back up in an instant. It leapt again into the foliage; grasping at the trunks and branches with its talons. It climbed through the understory as high as possible before coiling up on a particularly strong branch and launching itself through the leaves and into the sunlight above in another ferocious attack.

David reached the wall of the enclosure, its void tentacles dangling the still screaming bait before the ferocious creature below before disappearing over the edge. With a primordial cry of defiance, the young Indominous Rex leapt after them. It hung in the air, reaching its arms out in desperation as for a moment it seemed to fall short. It twisted in the air, its head snapping suddenly forward, as its muscular upper jaw lapsed over the top of the concrete wall. Closing its vice-like maw around the barrier it dug its talons into the wall and skittered over in a manner resembling an enormous lizard. Zara clicked again and the video on the screen displayed the outside of the exhibit; David and Claire slithering through the jungle, the freed monster making quick work of the security personnel stationed outside of its enclosure before pursuing.

“They were headed west,” said Zara, heading back towards the door. “They’re going straight to Gallimimus Valley.” I smiled inwardly as I reached down to the list that was still stuffed into the elastic band of my boxers.

“All right,” said Wolverine. “Zara, you take the Professor and Space Pratt in the car, we’ll meet you there.”

“Where are the rest of you going?” she asked.

“We’re going to track it,” said Owen.

======================================

The aroma of smoke drifted towards us through the jungle as we followed Wolverine’s bloodhound-like sense of smell in the direction the Indominous Rex had gone. Logan paused for a moment.

“Trail leads this way,” said Owen, pointing towards a newly-trampled sapling on the ground in front of us. Logan instead turned, recognizing familiar scents on the smoke-tinged wind. We followed him through the dense jungle for several yards before we broke into a small clearing.

“Beast? Kitty?” said Logan, as the two sat around a small campfire, eating what appeared to be a roasted compognathus (scene requested by @Nabloom).

“Oh, thank god you found us,” began Beast. “We were dragged through that portal into the jungle, and we had no idea where we were, we searched for any sign of civilization for hours before we finally decided to just stay where we were and eat something…”

“The road is like, five hundred yards back that way,” interrupted Owen. “I mean it’s… not that hard to find.”

“Yes, well, we expended quite a lot of energy searching,” stammered Beast. Kitty, sitting next to him, began blushing.

“You too were fucking in the jungle this whole time, weren’t you?” I asked. A cacophony of denials issued forth from them as I turned to Logan, who sniffed the air and nodded.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 10 - Showdown at Gallimimus Valley

The five of us stepped out from the jungle onto a wide green expanse between the mountain ridges of the island. Far ahead of us, lower into the tree-lined valley, a tour vehicle was carting a herd of tourists through a flock of Gallimimus as they ran about the space. Further in, a large group of Parasaurolophus stood at the edge of the water, hooting mournfully at one another. Every once and a while their cries would be answered by the great bellowing of the Edmontosauruses which lay in the shade of a nearby copse of trees. The duck billed dinosaurs reminded me of cows in their mannerisms, and I wondered how their steaks would taste. Logan stopped and sniffed the air again.

“That’s it,” he said. “Trail runs cold here. Like they dropped off the face of the earth or something.”

“Well what do we do now?” asked Kitty.

“I know what I’m doing!” I said as I grabbed two handfuls of grass and ran off towards the resting dinosaurs in the valley below.

“That isn’t exactly productive behavior…” Beast shouted out behind me.

“Oh come on, we lost their trail,” I replied. “Nothing we can do now, so I may as well take this opportunity to cross some more dinosaurs off my list.” With that I turned and ran towards the lounging mesozoic bovines.

The large beige and darker brown streaked Parasaurolophus herd had abandoned the waterside in favor of a shady location beneath the trees near the Edmontosauruses. I walked happily through the mingled herds, reaching my handfuls of foliage out to the creatures as I passed. Their ruminations on their grass cuds were again reminiscent of the modern day beef beast. I was in the middle of scratching the pebbled scale flesh of an Edmontosaurus when a Parasaurlophus began nuzzling me with its duck-billed snout; I turned to give it cuddles as I again wondered how these amazing creatures tasted. As I fed the softly hooting hadrosaur, a Gallimimus which had detached from the main herd stalked up to us, cautiously eyeing me as it slowly came closer.

“Why hello there, big fellow,” I said, holding out another handful of grass for the ostrich-like dinosaur to munch on. “I bet you taste just like chicken.” The creature’s long neck darted forwards with the grace of an enormous, scaled swan; its beaked mouth snapping at the grass clippings in my outstretched palm. I gave it a gentle scratch behind its birdlike ear indentations and reached into my boxers to pull out my list. With a satisfied smile, I crossed off the three dinosaurs native to Gallimimus Valley just in time to return to the plot.

The Gallimimus in front of me squealed in panic as a black tentacle shot down from the heavens, wrapping around the creature and tearing it from the earth with enormous speed. All around me, more tentacles began to descend from the sky, rapturing up dinosaurs from seemingly all corners of the island. The creatures that had only moments ago sat idly in the shade now began to stand and mill around agitatedly. A Parasaurolophus on the periphery of the group issued a cry of alarm as it was pulled from the herd by a tentacle wrapped around its muscular back leg. With that, the stampede began.

Thunder echoed through the valley as the herds began a panicked dash. Still within their grouping, I darted quickly out of the way as the massive beasts wheeled about directionless; driven only by fear and an instinct to escape the tentacles continued to shoot down, grabbing them at random. As we fled, a concussive blast was audible above the roar of the stampede. The sound of engines vibrated the air above the valley as Pratt’s craft flew above us; firing proton torpedoes or some similar technological McGuffin into one of the rising tentacle, the blast temporarily incinerating the nothingness, the captive Edmontosaurus it had been dragging bellowing loudly as it suddenly fell back to earth.

A cable extended from beneath the ship as Pratt came around for another pass over the herds; grabbing onto it I was instantly yanked from the ground as it swung around, taking aim at a bundle of tentacles which was presently shooting towards our companions. Like a game of Missile Command, Pratt’s blast intercepted the incoming enemy in the air before it could reach the group standing below. I quickly shimmied up the line and into the ship, where Pratt and Zara sat before the controls. We raced towards our companions, who quickly grabbed onto the hanging cable and began to climb up as well. Logan and Kitty had just reached the top when the ship shook suddenly as an alarm rang out in the cabin.

“We have too much weight!” shouted Pratt, looking back to the open hatch and the cable flying behind it. Behind Beast and Owen, hooked to the end of the line by one of David’s quickly retreating tentacles, the enormous armored body of an Ankylosaurus dragged along, holding us down like an anchor. Owen lost his grip, falling roughly but unharmed to the grass below.

“I know what I have to do!” shouted Beast back towards us. “Just make sure to come back for us!” With that, he turned and let go of the rope, launching his blue furry body at the armored hide of the Ankylosaur. The momentum of his body-check was enough to free the creature from the wire, as they both fell to the ground next to Owen (scene requested by @Nabloom).

“Wait!” I shouted too late, the craft now rocketing up towards the extra-atmospherical origin of the tentacles, leaving Beast, Owen, and the Ankylosaur on the earth below. “I never got to pet it,” I said sadly as I turned back in my seat, the craft breaking through the sky.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 11 -  Ok, so we’re in space now, I guess

I gave a long sigh as the island faded away below us. We shot ever upwards, passing through the warm blue tropical sky, now laced with tinges of a beautiful sunset. As we ascended the tranquil blue quietly eroded into the icy blackness of space. Tentacles shot down around us as we rose; paying us no mind, instead singularly focused on the task of plucking as many dinosaurs as possible from the island. Their point of origin lay further out in space. Growing ever larger as we approached, a gargantuan space station loomed in the distance. Standing on the bow of the ship, dwarfed by the massive Weyland-Yutani insignia behind it, was David; surrounded by the whirling weave of tentacles which shot out from its being. Numerous tentacles retracted as we watched, the wriggling beasts they dragged being placed quickly into a landing bay further down the side of the space station.

“I take it we’re going in there?” asked the leather-jacketed space Pratt.

“Yeah, I suppose,” I replied. “Let’s just get this done and over with so I can get back to petting dinosaurs. Space battles were so last season, you dig?”

“Look out!” shouted Zara suddenly as Pratt deftly maneuvered the ship around the massive convulsing body of a suffocating Apatosaurus which had been chucked at us. The craft rocked again as a tentacle shot past. Pratt unleashed a volley of torpedoes into the empty projection and did a barrel roll towards the open landing bay doors.

“You’re gonna have to jump!” he shouted at us as the ship spun around, attempting to evade the spiked tail of a meteoric stegosaurus. Logan and Kitty both strapped on environment masks to prepare for the jump, but I declined. I’m on vacation damn it, if I want to wear nothing but boxers the whole time I should be able to.

“Go! Now!” he shouted, the airlock hatch springing open just long enough for us to vacate the spacecraft; itself presently engaged in hostilities from all sides. It sped quickly away as our momentum carried us into the chaotic landing bay.

Gravity and oxygen returned as we passed through the force-field of the structure. All around us, the various dinosaurs which had been thrown into the landing bay were being scanned and sorted by a roving mechanical eye. An electrified grid system encompassed the entirety of the floor of the landing bay, and as each creature was scanned it was compelled through an inky black portal at the end of the room through a series of shocks.

“My god, what are they doing to them?” asked Kitty as we watched.

“If I had to guess, I’d say probably dinosaur steaks,” I replied. “But that might just be because I’m hungry.”

“You are nearly as correct with that guess as you were incorrect, Mr. Sponges," said David with a slight chuckle as it entered the landing bay, tentacles pulling it in from the darkness beyond in a manner resembling Doctor Octopus. “I have no desire to masticate upon these beings; I have no desire to emulate the primal acts of lesser beings which must imbibe organic matter to survive. Indeed the very thought is repugnant to me... Though you were correct in that I am 'consuming' them; as I will consume all things within this universe; within all universes, given time. Of which I have an Eternity, Mr. Sponges. I shall become all.”

“I see,” I said after a moment. “Still steaks probably would have been easier; they definitely would have tasted better…”

“Silence, you unmotivated fool!” it shouted at me as the electric grid below our feet began to glow.

“Kitty, sink, now!” I shouted. She passed through the floor of the landing bay just before the shock hit us. Well, hit Logan. I was insulated. The electricity arced across his adamantium skeleton, sending him into writhing convulsions of pain. I sunk the bladed tip of my voidspear into the floor in front of us, severing the cable which supplied electricity to our location. Logan fell to his knees, smoke rising from his ears.

“You did not want to do that, bub,” he said through gritted teeth as he looked up at the tentacled god standing before us, a smirk on its face. His adamantium claws extended, their normally silver shine now glazed over by the black emptiness of antimatter as I coated his blades with antiparticles.

“There,” I said as he looked confusedly at the black extensions coming from his hands. “Now they’ll actually do some good against it.” I readied my voidspear. “So, we gonna do this or…?”

In reply, David sent a volley of razor-tipped void tentacles out towards us with lightning speed. I spun my voidspear about myself; its severing blade intersecting the tentacles as they reached me, emptiness slicing through emptiness as the attack broke like water around me. The next barrage was faster, and I struggled to hold my ground. Wolverine was instantly on the offensive, rushing towards David’s onslaught with a vicious snarl. Utilizing his superior reflexes and the plot armor I had bestowed upon him, he charged the oncoming tentacles. In an instant he was past them, his black talons slicing through them as one would when decapitating a herd of snakes.

A cruel and mocking smirk crossed David’s prosthetic face as he lifted one of the decapitated tentacles. It turned to liquid in the air for a moment before separating into an innumerable braid of needle-point blades. Logan stood snarling as all around him, the other decapitated tendrils were doing the same. He growled fiercely once again as he leapt at David in a final charge. He hung in the air, his voidblades mere inches from their target, as David’s darkness penetrated him through a thousand different pinpoints across his body. He coughed raggedly, a torrent of bloody vomit accompanying it. The sanguine fluid splashed across David’s face before turning black, seemingly soaking into the pale white surface.

“All shall be consumed,” said David with a pleased expression.

A bright red beam suddenly appeared from further down the cargo hold, as Kitty, Jean, Scott, and Claire phased through the wall. David looked down to the beam where it connected with its body; Cyclops’s massively powerful laser vision having about the same effect on it as a laser pointer. David’s mechanical face once again assumed a cruel smile as he refocused his efforts.

David’s attention momentarily distracted from me, I once again sunk my vodispear into the floor, its elongating shaft sending it hurtling down through the various levels of the ship before finally breaching the hull. With a swing of my arm I whipped it in a large arc, coming to rest only when intersected by one of David’s tentacles which shot back towards me. I instantly withdrew my blade and parried David’s surprise attack, but I was too slow to escape them all as a whip-like blade slashed across my forehead, leaving a deep red gash. Logan, still suspended in darkness, gave a small chuckle.

“So, a god can bleed after all,” he said. "Well that's good to know." David turned to look menacingly at him as the landing bay suddenly buckled. The sounds of protesting metal and popping bolts assaulted us with the ferocity of a freight train as slowly the ship tore itself in two. David turned to me with a sneer, before enveloping himself and Wolverine in darkness and launching out into space.

Explosions ripped the landing bay as Jean reached out psychically to Zara and Pratt for evacuation. As Claire and the X-Men boarded Pratt’s vehicle, I stood alone for a moment, mourning all the poor dinosaurs we were leaving behind. I reached down into my boxers and grasped my list; wondering how many of the creatures on it I would now be unable to pet. A pitiful braying rang out over the sound of the explosions.

“Sponges! Come on!” shouted Pratt. “We have to go now!”

“Just a minute!” I replied as I walked through flames searching for the source of the cry. Roughly fifty feet away in the smoke-filled landing bay, I located it; a juvenile Pachycephalosuarus. The size of a large dog, the grey and blue creature cried in panic, its foot trapped beneath the rubble. Quickly I freed it, grabbing it up with me as I ran to Pratt’s ship just moments before it left the massive crumbling space station behind us.

“Well that’s just great,” said Scott angrily as I rocked the scared little dinosaur back and forth on my lap. “That thing got away with Wolverine, and we have no idea where they went, because you had to go rescue that...” he looked down at its spike-lined dome head. “Other thing.”

“Oh, he didn’t mean it,” I said as I cuddled the adorable Pachycephalosaurus. “Besides, I know exactly where we’re going. Back to Jurassic World please, Owen.”

“I’m Quill,” said Pratt.

“Of course you are.” I replied. “Say, does anybody have anything I could feed this little critter?”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 12 - Back to running from dinosaurs

Night had enveloped the landscape as we came in for a landing. The large spotlights on Quill’s craft illuminated the area around Owen, Beast, and the Ankylosaur as he set the craft down next to them. As we exited the ship I quickly ran up and snuggled the armored dinosaur; the young Pachycephalosaurus rushing off into the darkness beyond. An official Jurassic World vehicle rolled up into the glow of the floodlights as Xavier disembarked from it; seated in a shiny new wheelchair.

“Where’s Logan?” he snapped at me. “I don’t sense him among you.”

“Well,” I began. “He’s probably getting tentacle raped right about now. We’re going to get him back though, I promise.” Absent-mindedly, I reached into the waistband of my boxers and pulled out my list; only five creatures remained to be pet and fed… I could still do this if I tried.

“God damn it Sponges, we need some sort of a plan!” barked Scott angrily. I raised my hand, dismissively shushing him as I cocked my head slightly; listening to the wind. “Don’t you shush me!” he said as I shushed him again. This time, however, he heard it. The tropical night air was still; the ambient reverberations of insects pulsing rhythmically out throughout the valley. The restless hoot of a Parasaurolophus cried out in the darkness, echoed by another and another as the sounds of the milling herd ground through the air towards us. My brow furrowed as I listened more closely for the sound I thought I had heard. I looked to Owen, whose expression mirrored my own. Barely perceptible in the darkness of the valley, we heard a snarl.

“Raptors,” said Owen.“My raptors?” he asked worriedly.

“No, it’s worse,” I said. “These are wild raptors. Survivors from the first park.” Another snarl pierced the darkness, and then another. They were coming closer.

“I believe it might be a good time to vacate these premises,” said Beast as he slowly backed towards the open door of the vehicle behind him. Claire, Zara, and Quill rushed back onto the spacecraft and sped off into the night as the X-Men piled into the other vehicle. From a mount on the back of the car, Owen removed a lightweight motorbike. I climbed onto the top of the automobile, scanning the tufts of tall grass which dotted the floor of the valley around us for any sign of movement. From my vantage point, I was just barely able to make out the trails in the long grass the creatures left as they crept towards us in the darkness.

“From the northeast!” I shouted when I was certain of their location. “Drive south, now!” We tore out of the clearing just as the raptors behind us burst from their cover; their smooth dark brown mottled skin glistening in the moonlight. We raced erratically away from our pursuers through the darkness, the vicious cough of their vocalizations ringing out behind us. An answering cry from up ahead confirmed that their trap had been set. Another raptor leapt out from a tuft of grass to our side; its rancorous serrated jaws and six-inch sickle shaped claws bearing down on the motorcycle-riding Pratt who rushed toward the certain death of the creature’s blades. From the top of the racing car I whipped out my voidspear; intercepting the leaping velociraptor and sending it flying safely away from Pratt, who swerved slightly but was able to maintain control of his motorcycle. We came to a dirt service road and continued to drive through the darkened jungle, the sounds of our vicious pursuers still behind us. “Over there!”  I shouted as I pointed to the glint of a gigantic metal dome which rose up over the treetops. We pulled into the entrance of the aviary and rushed inside, locking the door behind us just before the raptors crashed into them, shaking the doorframe.

“So what’s your plan here?” asked Scott angrily. I of course did not answer, and was currently climbing towards a roosted Dimorphodon with a handful of freeze dried mealworms. “Answer me!” he shouted as I pet the drowsy Pterosaur as it happily lapped up the breakfast I was providing; the first rays of morning sun filtering through the glass mesh ceiling.

“Hang on,” I said finally as I climbed higher, towards the larger Pteranodons which rested near the top of the rock formation which took up a large percentage of the aviary. I reached on and placed my hand on its ivory beak; the large birdlike reptile snapping awake as it eyed me suspiciously. I summoned a fish from midair and offered it towards the creature, which gladly accepted as I reached up to scratch the back of its head behind its long crest. With a final pat, I installed a machine into the orbital lobe of the creature’s brain. I flicked it on, and Scott shouted with surprise. “All right,” I continued. “I just hooked your goggles up to the superior vision of this ancient aerial predator. What you’re going to do is climb up on its back, fly on out of here, and shoot those raptors with your laser vision (scene requested by @Nabloom). Think you can handle it?” Behind me, the pteranodon stretched its massive leathery wings.

“Is it safe?” asked Scott skeptically as the birdlike reptile stepped off the rock, flapping it large wings a single time as it glided down to land in front of him.

“Don’t be a bitch, Scott,” I replied.

“And how will this get Logan back, or get us off this god-forsaken island?” demanded Charles angrily.

“And don’t forget, we’ve still got that loose Indominous Rex out there too,” said Owen.

“Don’t worry you guys, I totally have a plan for all of that,” I said, attempting to calm them. “Let’s just take one thing at a time here. Cyclops, just get rid of those raptors for now and we’ll take it from there.”

“You better not just be fucking with me,” he said as he cautiously began to mount the pteranodon. The creature sat calmly, and he shrugged and turned his head upwards, issuing a laser blast through the aviary dome. The pteranodon lifted up below him as they began to fly away.

“So, what is the rest of the plan?” asked Pratt after a moment. Casually, I reached my hand into my boxers, pulling out the list with a smile.

==========================

“All right, zapped the raptors,” said Scott as he landed the pteranodon outside of the dome and opened the door. “Now what?” As we stepped out of the massive structure into the sunlight, the trees around us began to rustle.

“Now, we ride,” I said as the dinosaurs I had successfully crossed off the list began to emerge from the foliage, each bearing a saddle for the X-Men to sit upon. Scott climbed back atop his Pteranodon, while Kitty and Jean chose a Gallimimus and a Parasaurolophus, respectively. Beast triumphantly mounted a fully grown Triceratops, and Xavier protested the entire time I strapped his wheelchair to the back of an Ankylosaurus. “Would you like to ride one of your Velociraptors? I asked Pratt, giving him a wink to make the whole thing seem weird.

“No…” he said, seemingly unnerved by the question. “I think I’ll uh… I’ll stick to the motorcycle… thanks.”

“What about you Sponges?” asked Beast. “Will you not be joining us?”

“Oh, I’ll be riding,” I said, looking once again at my list. Three dinosaurs remained uncrossed; Apatasaurus, Tyrannosaurus, and the Indominous Rex. Taking a pen, I circled the final creature. “I’ll be riding all right.”

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 13 - Sympathy for the devil

Our dinosaur convoy emerged from the tree line into the bright morning sunlight of a vast open plain, the grass stretching off into the distance soaked with dew. Nearby, a group of Apatosaurus was munching lazily on the branches of the trees. I called time out and quickly ran over to feed and pet them before crossing them off my list. As I walked back towards the group, Quill’s ship appeared in the skyline and set down a ways from the herd. Quill, Zara, and Claire disembarked the craft and headed towards us; Claire holding some form of electronic instrument in her hands. As they came closer, the machine beeped and clicked rapidly.

“What’s that you’ve got there?” asked Beast as they reached us.

“It’s an electronic tracker, set to focus on the microchip we placed in the Indominous,” explained Claire.

“And it should be right around here…” said Quill, eyes scanning the trees behind us for any sign of movement.

“What? Do you think it’s just going to come out and say hi?” asked Owen. “First off, it’s going to hear that beeping a mile away, so you’re kind of giving away your position right there. Then there’s the fact that if its back there, then its downwind of us.” He threw a handful of grass in the air to illustrate his point.  “You’re not hunting it,” he said, unshouldering his rifle nervously. “It’s hunting us.” We turned back to face the jungle, suddenly aware that we had not been alone.

“But we know where it is now,” interjected Quill. “Why not just shoot a couple rockets at it and call it a day?”

“We have invested literal millions of dollars into that asset,” said Claire, shaking her head. “Your mission is to contain the asset, not destroy it.”

“Oh-ho, my mission?” replied Quill. “Let’s get something straight here, I don’t work for you. That’s the guy in the stupid vest.”

“Hey, leave the vest out of this all right?” said Owen. “It’s functional."

“Great, so what’s the plan now, Sponges?” asked Scott as his Pteranodon landed on the grass in front of me.

“The Pratts weren’t enough, I see that now,” I replied as Owen and Quill argued in the background. “We need someone with an almost super-human understanding of what it means to make friends with animals.” As I spoke, a small, black and white furry creature with large yellow eyes leapt energetically out of the woods. I held out a garbanzo bean for our new bouncing friend, who excitedly took the legume from my hand. The creature leapt off a short ways before munching on the treat I had given it. After devouring the snack, the little lemur belched.

“Excuse me,” it said as it began to spin around wildly, its excited gyrations culminating in a hoot-like chuckling and an impressive leap to the extended neck of an apatosaur which stood nearby. He looked down at us with a smile as he swung playfully on the massive creature. “Hi! How’s it going?” he asked.

“What in god’s name am I witnessing right now?” asked Charles, his voice equal parts wonder and anger.

“Hey, I know who that is!” shouted Kitty excitedly. “It’s Zoboomafoo!”

“Wha-ha-hooha! That’s right!” said the speaking lemur. “And I brought friends too!” As he spoke, a smiling pair of men dressed in hiking gear stepped out from behind the apatosauruses and began waving at us.

“Who the hell are these guys?” asked Quill pointing towards them, momentarily distracted from the argument. Owen looked towards the group as well and did a double take when he saw that a lemur had suddenly joined our party.

“Ah, sorry, allow me to introduce you.” I said. I gestured to each individual as I spoke. “Peter Pratt, Owen Pratt; Chris Kratt, Martin Kratt. Zoboomafoo.”

“Zoboomafoo!” shouted the lemur in response, before reciting the names again in the form of a song and leaping excitedly from the neck of the sauropods down towards us.

“Ok, did I just have a stroke?” asked Beast. “Can someone please explain to me exactly what is going on here?”

“We’re the Kratt brothers!” said the Kratt brothers. “And we love animals.”

“You guys got here just in time,” I said. “Our Indominous Rex jumped out of its exhibit and now its hiding from us. We need to get it back, can you help us?”

“Uh-oh,” began Chris Kratt. “When a dinosaur escapes containment, it can be a dangerous situation for them and everyone around them.”

“Remember, this is an animal that has no idea what’s going on outside of its pen,” continued Martin Kratt. “Walking around in a world it doesn’t understand. It’s scared and afraid.”

“Plus,” interjected Chris again, “it’s a genetic hybrid of several species. It has all kinds of different hardwired instincts running through its head.”

“Right then,” I said as I began walking into the forest in the direction the tracker indicated. “I know what I have to do.”

Dappled light shone through the canopy above, the forest still as the silent predator lurked further within. I strode through the underbrush, and upon finding a suitably large root to seat myself on, reached into my boxers and pulled out my list of dinosaurs. Further into the forest, I heard the crack of a twig.

“You just going to hide in there all day then?” I asked the creature in the distance. “Look, I get it. You don’t know what the hell is going on here, you don’t know where you are, what to do… Shit, you don’t even know who you are.” I slipped the list back into my waistband before continuing. “That’s actually a pretty common situation; you’re not that special. To quote Timothy Leary, ‘we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos' That sound about right to you?” Silence continued through the forest. “I get it,” I repeated. “I know who you are. You ready for this? You are you. Yeah, that’s all there is to it.  Life is a verb. You see the world around you? That’s your world. You see your hands? They’re your hands. Use them. You have to realize that no matter what is out there, you exist, so exist. Do what you want, be what you want. But no matter what you choose to be, choose to be.” I raised myself from my root-seat, brushing the dirt and flecks of moss from my boxers as I turned around. The Indominous Rex stood not five yards from me, baring its teeth. “Be yourself to the maximum potential,” I said as a large slab of beef appeared in my hands. The Indominous Rex opened its razor tooth lined jaw, preparing to strike.

[SwimModSponges]

Chapter 14-  The thrilling conclusion

Triumphantly, the Indominous Rex and I rode out into the clearing to join the group.

“Thanks guys,” I said to the Kratt brothers while patting the spiked white hide of the creature below me. “I knew you’d know what to do.”

“Anytime,” said Zoboomafoo before laughing and leaping away through a dimensional rift, the Kratt brothers following with a wave goodbye.

“Wait, the Kratt brothers have the ability to switch universes as well?” asked Beast. “How many other beings like you and David are there?”

“Well, you know, there’s the ones you’d expect of course,” I began. “Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu… occasionally see the God of the Old Testament lurking around, he’s really kind of an asshole. Thor, Osiris, Cthulhu, Vivec, Mehrunes Dagon, Talos… you know, god material. Then there’s the folks you wouldn’t really expect, like myself and Zoboomafoo. Yeah, the Kratt bros are actually just projections of his being. He's actually ancient; like, 6,000 BC-ish, the lemurs of Madagascar created their own primitive god. Super chill dude though. Let’s see, who else… Chris Farley is up here too, he’s cool, there’s like this 8 year old Korean kid, bumped into him a few times… most dolphins, quite a few squid, I mean, theoretically there’s a universe out there for everyone to be a god in, if you really think about it.”

“How is any of this helping us find Wolverine?” demanded Charles angrily.

“Oh, shit, that’s right, plot.” I said. “Ok hang on, I got this.” As I spoke, Claire’s phone began to ring. Everyone turned to watch as she fumbled the device out of her pocket and looked down at the name displayed on the screen.

“Hello?” she answered cautiously.

“Finally, someone picks up a phone.” said the perturbed voice of Simon Masrani. “Where have you been?” he continued in his richly accented voice. “I was starting to think you’d been abducted by aliens.”

“Actually, I was,” began Claire before being cutoff.

“It’s an expression, Claire; I don’t care where you were. I only need to know that you’re doing your job. And from the looks of things, you haven’t been.” Claire winced as Masrani berated her over the line. “In case you were unaware, during your absence there have been breaches in security all over the park.”

“Yes, I’m aware of the situation and I’m working to rectify it,” said Claire contritely. “Currently I am overseeing an operation to reacquire several assets near the Gyroshpere attraction.”

“Oh, the Gyrosphere attraction, wonderful,” said Masrani bitingly. “So what are you doing about the Tyrannosaurs loose on Main Street?”

“I… I’ll be right there Mr. Masrani,” Claire stammered, but the line was already dead.

“So…” I said after a moment of silence had elapsed. “Final battle time? Hey Claire, want to ride a dinosaur?”

“Yeah, sure, fine; I’m probably going to be fired anyways,” she said. “May as well make it a fun last day.” She pointed to the Apatosauruses in which stood near us. “I’ll take one of these guys. Maybe throw a canopy on its back or something like that. You know, make it look grand and regal.”

“Exquisite choice madam,” I said as the large sauropod with an sauntered up to her, a rope ladder hanging down from the luxurious canopy atop its back. “And for you mam?” I asked, turning to Zara.

“Let’s go for the Pachycephalosaurus,” she said. I turned to Quill next.

“I don’t know, something awesome I suppose,” he replied.

“Suchomimus it is then,” I said as the large Spinosaurus-like carnivore strode towards him. “How about you Owen? You going to ride one of them raptors now?” I said with a wink.

“Why do keep doing that?” he asked me. “You’re making it weird. Knock it off.”

“Come on Owen,” I replied.  “I know what universe this is; you know what universe this is. You want to ride one of those raptors, don’t you?”

“What?” replied Owen as everyone turned to look at him. “I don’t know what this guy is talking about.”

“Last chance,” I said.

“Ok, fine, I’ll ride Blue then I guess,” he said.

“Yeah, I bet you will,” I said as the dinosaur ran out with a saddle on. “You might want to buy her a drink first though. Oh and watch out, you may get dome dinosaur STDs." Owen blushed as he sat on top of the dinosaur, the scaled skin rubbing between his legs giving him an erection that he could barely hide. "Is that everybody? All right then, dinosaur convoy, move out!” As we rode away towards Main Street, a stegosaurus which had been standing nearby shed a single tear because no one had wanted to ride its armor plated body.

We heard the echoes of the Tyrannosaurus’s bellow long before we were close enough to hear the cries of the panicked tourists. By this point, the intermittent roar of the dinosaur was very nearly deafening.  We finally broke free of the jungle, stepping out onto Main Street and into a veritable river of people rushing away from the monster behind them. The human herd broke around as we stepped out into the thoroughfare; the already panicked tourists becoming more frightened when confronted with our wild dinosaur mounts.  The deafening cry of the Tyrannosaurus rang out once again; very close by. A surge of screams drew our attention as a large group of people rushed from around the side of a building. The last one around the corner tripped, and was immediately engulfed by the jaws of the massive dinosaur which had pursued him. The Rex lifted its head, rolling the screaming man back into its throat before bringing its jaws down around him with a sickening crunch. It swallowed and turned to us. A crack in reality split through the top of the dinosaurs head and into the air above. From its black emptiness, David emerged; its black tentacles wrapping down around and into the tyrannosaurus’s head, fusing to form a sort of standing podium atop the prehistoric carnivore.

“Hello Sponges,” it said from its perch. “Are you having a pleasant vacation?”

“Actually, yeah, I kind of am,” I replied. “I mean, I would have liked to have spent more time by the pool or whatever, but it’s been all right. You know, life gives you lemons and all that. I do have one more dinosaur to cross off my list though, and it’s the one you’re currently standing on.”

“Where the hell is Logan!” demanded Charles, his rage finally breaking loose in a blast of psychic energy which caused most of the tourists between us to suddenly begin bleeding from the nose and ears before fainting. Those tourists who were unharmed quickly abandoned the area, leaving us a large open arena in the middle of the crowd. David commanded the Tyrannosaurus to step into the opening while whipping out a large void tentacle, Wolverine dangling from the end. David sent out several more tentacles and attached each to one of Logan’s limbs. With a cruel mockery of a grin, it began pulling.

“I think it’s about time for that deus ex machina you mentioned before,” said Beast as Logan screamed in agony before us. I simply winked and nodded back towards the open arena. Suddenly, a man stepped out of the crowd that lined the space, a look of pure awe on his face as he stared at us.

“Chris Pratt?” said both Chris Pratts simultaneously upon recognizing him.

“What?” he asked, slightly confused but seemingly very enthused to currently be speaking to his doppelgangers. “No, I’m Andy, Andy Dwyer. Yeah, I’m on vacation; it was super cheap when you bundled a cruise with it. I mean, at that price you can’t really afford not to go, right? Anyways, then all this happens, and you guys step out… Let me level with you here, I have no idea what is going on, but something inside me told me I needed to be here.”

He stepped forward into the opening, and as he did so, passed the event horizon. Particles from all three Pratts began breaking off from them, streaming to a point directly between them all. Where the Pratt particles met, they began to condense and spin rapidly into a singular, glowing ball of superheated Pratt. When the last dust of the three original Pratts faded into it, the ball pulsed into a microscopic supernova, the light of which blinded us momentarily. When it faded, a single Pratt stood before us.

“Owen?” asked Claire.

“Quill?” asked Zara.

“Andy?” asked Beast.

“Pratt?” asked Kitty.

“Yes,” he said to all of them. The OmniPratt then turned, reaching out his arm and plucking Logan effortlessly from David’s snares and placing him on the ground in front of us, where he gasped and groaned before standing. “You’ve had your fun, David,” the Prattgod continued. “But it’s time to finish this.” As he spoke, he and I stared into the Tyrannosaurus’s eyes, forming a mind link with the creature. The dinosaur shook it head wildly, loosening David’s grip over it. With the combined will of two gods working against it, David slipped from his perch atop the tyrant lizard king’s crown. It tore through reality in a streak of darkness as the dinosaurs jaws closed down around it.

“That totally counts as feeding it!” I shouted as I leapt off the Indominous Rex to wrap my arms around the scaly leg of the tyrannosaur. I pulled back from my embrace, triumphantly crossing the final species off the list as I turned back to the X-Men. “Well, I hope you guys had as much fun on our vacation as I did,” I said with a wide smile.

“Take us back home now, you monster,” said Xavier angrily.

“Sure you don’t want to go down just one waterslide?” I asked him.

“Take us home, now.” He demanded.

“Fine, whatever.” I said as the tropical boulevard around us was replaced by the wood paneling of the hallway outside of the teacher’s lounge. The sounds of celebration within were barely muffled by the closed door. Xavier gave me an agitated look as he wheeled into the room.

“Hey guys! Welcome back!” shouted Kitty from near the keg in the corner of the room, raising a red plastic cup in greeting. More cups littered the room, as did essays which were strewn across the table tops with abandon. Logan and Beast were sitting across from each other doing competitive rows of shots, and Jean and Scott stumbled out of the adjacent bathroom, Jean whipping her mouth. I stood at the counter, mixing drinks. Charles sat in the corner with his arms crossed, the vein in his forehead pulsing.

“What the hell is going on here?” asked the Charles in the doorway. “You said we would be grading essays when we got back!”

“Hey, don’t ask me,” I said pointing to myself. “Go ask me about it.”

“Yeah, they were kind of pissed you guys went on vacation without them.” I said from behind the bar. “So we just kind of said fuck it, let’s get drunk.”

“This is absolutely unacceptable!” said Charles. “I want all of you to leave, now.”

“Or,” I said, walking into the room and grabbing a bottle from the counter behind myself. “We could just join in and have a good time? Maybe drink so much that Kitty and Jean start making out with themselves?”

“Oh, I’m already there,” said the Jean who had just finished giving Scott a blowie in the bathroom. She stalked confidently up to other Jean and grabbed her aggressively about the waist before pulling her in for a sensual kiss. Jean pulled back, fighting against the seduction. After some voracious tongue play Jean released her, gazing lustily into her eyes.

“I’m… going to need a few drinks first,” said Jean.

“Coming right up” I said as I began to pour.

After the credits rolled; the party wound down and our doppelgangers left, leaving only the original group seated around the teachers lounge in a silent stupor, the exhaustion of the vacation finally catching up to the X-men.

“Man, I don’t know about the rest of you,” slurred Logan drunkenly to no one in particular. “But my feet have felt amazing since we got back.”