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BlackNoir

I don't understand how the story of Job isn't a fucking Christianity deterant

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So, God and the Devil are burning some Chiba and the Devil goes....See, that dude Job, he only likes you because you won't let me fuck with him...God, high a girraff puusy goes, Bruh....Dude is my bitch, do whatever you want....He ain't gonna leave me, do whatever but don't kill him...that's my bottombitch. So the Devil was like, fuck it...go hard or go to hell.....Kills this dude's family, his livestock, AND the goddamned servants...WTF did they do?  

Job still praised the lord.....So the Devil was like "damn, this dude is blessing whipped for real"  so he ruins his crops and gives him sores all over his body....His wife is like, "fuck that clown in the sky that never visits, stop sucking his dick" and the pussy is like "No, he is a good man, he's just a little troubled, I can fix him...he just needs love and loyalty"

So his friends sow up with some painkillers, and these smug biblethumping shitlords say "nah bro, you pissed god off...what did you do"  and he's like "nothing bro...I ain't did shit".....And they are like, whatever dude, he didn't kill all my kids and leave me with my bitch of a wife, so do you.

Now, the story I heard in chuch is that after the experiment was over, god returned all his shit....Well, that part ain't in the bible....So god, the entity that you've never seen, is such a lame ass dude that his homie can come over, point you out and he's just like "lol, fuck him up"

I dunno...I just can't blindly follow someone that fucking diabolical on a goddamned whim.

 

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10 minutes ago, Sawdamizer said:

The extent of my knowledge of Job... is what was included in Mission Impossible

I didn't know Will Arnett's character on AD's name was spelled Gob....wtaf,

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i like the south park episode of this being explained to kyle after seriously injuring his anus, to which he needed his cream and his butt pillow. 

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My favorite part of Job is his friend telling him "Well maybe you pissed God off actually"

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The story of Job and the prank that was pulled on Abraham to “kill” his son are the kind of stories that are supposed to be faith-affirming, but end up having horrifying implications of blindly embracing anguish. 

The Islamic equivalent of morally questionable stories would be the story of the man who killed 99 people (excluding the 100th person he killed, who was an imam who refused to accept the killer would be able to repent). He died on his way to repent, so heaven and hell wanted to play a spiritual version of Home Run Contest from Smash Bros where, if he was closer in meters to the mosque, he’d be forgiven for murdering 100 people. He was closer to the mosque so heaven welcomed a man that hadn’t done a single good deed in his life until he croaked close enough to a mosque for the angels to give him a passing grade for trying. 

It just made me think that awful people can be forgiven on a whim for heinous crimes just because of a half-hearted effort to repent while everyone else can be condemned for a few small misdeeds that go unaccounted for or for being devoted to a different religion. 

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1 hour ago, Chapinator_X said:

 the prank that was pulled on Abraham to “kill” his son are the kind of stories that are supposed to be faith-affirming, but end up having horrifying implications of blindly embracing anguish. 

Its weird how three of the world's largest and most influential religions all got their start when a dude was gonna kill his kid then decided against it and had to make up a story explaining it.

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9 hours ago, Chapinator_X said:

The story of Job and the prank that was pulled on Abraham to “kill” his son are the kind of stories that are supposed to be faith-affirming, but end up having horrifying implications of blindly embracing anguish. 

The Islamic equivalent of morally questionable stories would be the story of the man who killed 99 people (excluding the 100th person he killed, who was an imam who refused to accept the killer would be able to repent). He died on his way to repent, so heaven and hell wanted to play a spiritual version of Home Run Contest from Smash Bros where, if he was closer in meters to the mosque, he’d be forgiven for murdering 100 people. He was closer to the mosque so heaven welcomed a man that hadn’t done a single good deed in his life until he croaked close enough to a mosque for the angels to give him a passing grade for trying. 

It just made me think that awful people can be forgiven on a whim for heinous crimes just because of a half-hearted effort to repent while everyone else can be condemned for a few small misdeeds that go unaccounted for or for being devoted to a different religion. 

See, I really don't think this is the point.

We often lump all of the Abrahamic religions together, but pre-Christian Judaism wasn't a modern religion.  It was the contemporary to ancient Greek, Egyptian and Norse religions and share the same basic tenets, including deities who act unreasonably toward their followers and an overt connection between natural acts and supernatural forces.  Like its contemporaries, the religion as initially designed was meant as a mythological backdrop to explain and justify ceremonial rites and the social standing of the priest class.  As with all indigenous faith systems, there is a clear separation between the mythology and the practice of religion and, prior to Jesus of Nazareth, the words themselves don't hold ritual value except where explicitly being denoted as the word of God (like the ten commandments).

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All those people died... But here's 10 new kids to replace the dead ones. All better!

What about the original 10 kids?

Fuck them kids Blank Template - Imgflip

 

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On 5/26/2021 at 10:54 AM, Chapinator_X said:

The story of Job and the prank that was pulled on Abraham to “kill” his son are the kind of stories that are supposed to be faith-affirming, but end up having horrifying implications of blindly embracing anguish. 

The Islamic equivalent of morally questionable stories would be the story of the man who killed 99 people (excluding the 100th person he killed, who was an imam who refused to accept the killer would be able to repent). He died on his way to repent, so heaven and hell wanted to play a spiritual version of Home Run Contest from Smash Bros where, if he was closer in meters to the mosque, he’d be forgiven for murdering 100 people. He was closer to the mosque so heaven welcomed a man that hadn’t done a single good deed in his life until he croaked close enough to a mosque for the angels to give him a passing grade for trying. 

It just made me think that awful people can be forgiven on a whim for heinous crimes just because of a half-hearted effort to repent while everyone else can be condemned for a few small misdeeds that go unaccounted for or for being devoted to a different religion. 

Where did God sweep all the victim souls?

The Bible doesn't say.

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